Leeno
My chihuahua died 3 days ago and I feel such unimaginable guilt and grief.  She was my baby and I left her at the vet - in visible respiratory distress - staring at me from an oxygen box that was doing nothing for her.  She was restless and pacing with a respiratory rate of 45.  I left her like that.  I feel like she just gave up when she saw me just leave her and walk out the door.  I told myself I will go home keep busy and they will fix her.  I didn't make it back home for 10min when I got the call that she coded and they were working on her.  I am in total disbelief.  She has had a chronic cough for years and whenever I took her to vet - it was always the same answer.  They presumed it was chronic bronchitis and put her on antibiotics.  I stopped taking her in for the cough because how many times can a dog be put on antibiotics.  The night before she died - I gave her a bath & she coughed on some water.  Her cough was worse that night and she was wheezing.  I was thinking aspiration pneumonia.  The vet told me she had a very loud heart murmur and thought she went into heart failure from undiagnosed CHF.  I can't help thinking that her choking on water pushed her heart over the edge.  I keep thinking - she would be alive if I hadn't given her a bath.  I should have demanded her to be taken out of oxygen tank and held her.  Instead - that is the last image of her in my mind.  Her in distress, panting.  I'm an ER nurse and I kept thinking - if a person looked like she did - we would not just watch her like that.  I'm mad that they didn't immediately intubate her.  II keep thinking - if only I had taken her in sooner - before she was in such distress.   I miss her terribly and I don't know what to do.  I cry all day and can barely get myself out of bed.
cc
Quote 0 0
mrcatsam
cc,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your chihuahua. Sometimes, when these things happen we mull over what we could've done rather than where we are now. Nothing you did was out of malice. You gave her that bath because you loved her, and wanted her to be clean. You left her at the vet because that's what the vet told you to do. Please don't think I'm saying "Don't worry about it," because that's absolutely not what I'm saying. Though you did nothing wrong, you have a right to be mad at yourself, or the vet, or even me for telling you this. I won't tell you what to feel, but I hope this helps you. 

You have us if you need any consolation or have any questions.

sincere condolences,

Sam
Samuel
Quote 0 0
Leeno
Thank you for the words.  I know I didn't act with malice but it still is hard thinking of the way I last saw her.  And honestly - I didn't need to give her a bath.  She had one 2 days prior.  I was giving my other dogs a much needed bath and was to return to work this past Monday so I figured I would rinse her down again.  The vet thinks that wasn't the issue.  She was in failure and a severe heart murmur, common with her breed.  Unfortunately I have had such awful experiences with veterinary medicine that I don't find peace in anything they say.   I realize that many people love there vet and I'm not saying they are all awful, but I have about zero confidence in the ones I've seen.  I think sometimes my feelings about that are because of being a ER nurse for 15+ yrs and I compare veterinary medicine to human medicine and the 2 are worlds apart.   
cc
Quote 0 0
Pennysforevermom
My heart aches for you. I experienced the same thing 2 months ago. My baby was diagnosed with CHF and I gave her a bath. She started wheezing and I rushed her to the vet. She had to be placed in an oxygen cage. I healed from that experience because she pulled through and I was able to bring her home. I almost collapsed from grief at the vet when I found out that her bath triggered her breathing problems. I spent two months showering her with love. She passed away suddenly on Saturday. I understand your grief. You bathed your baby because you love her. We didn't know. I'm so sorry and I understand.
Quote 0 0
Leeno
The vet determined she ruptured her heart from undiagnosed CHF.  At this point - none of that matters because she's gone.  My boyfriend keeps telling me to "snap out of it."  I'm on this blog because I WANT TO snap out of it.  I want to feel normal - want this pit in my stomach to leave - to cook again which I love - but all I do is cry.  I don't have control over it.  I believe in God and believe this was his will - that we don't have control of when and how we die.  This is not a comfort right now - I try - but everything reminds me of her.
cc
Quote 0 0
BoxerMomForever
Leeno, I am very sorry for your loss. That is heartbreaking but please don’t blame yourself. I’m sorry she went undiagnosed.  That is sad.  Losing a pet is very hard and it takes time to grieve.  I’m so glad I found this wonderful community here, it helped me when my girl passed in October.  I hope it helps you as well.  People are so caring on here.  
Linda *Mom to two boxer angels* Lily {White Girl} 6/22/09 - 10/14/19 Ginger {Flashy Fawn Girl} 6/4/97 - 5/28/09
Quote 0 0
Leeno
My baby did go undiagnosed - which yes is sad.  But up until her last day - I don’t feel like she lived in pain.  Yes she had a chronic cough.  But she was active & playful & a part of me is happy I never went down the Med route.  Meds are hard on pets & unfortunately all too often vets just want to cash in on your pets expense.  I have to believe - my mother in heaven who suffered immensely with CHF & heart valve issues - was looking out for my baby.  She used to tell me “I know I shouldn’t have a favorite - but out of all the dogs - Bella is my favorite.”  This has been an awful ordeal - but I have to believe It’s Gods plan.  
cc
Quote 0 0
VR
Am so sorry for your loss!  Reading your post really hit home with me... I had to board Lily (shih try) for several weeks while I was in the hospital. I just imagined her sweet little face alone in a cage.  When I picked her up, she was skin and bones and was very skiddish. It broke my heart.  She had congestive heart failure that got worse when I boarded her.  At any rate, I made the decision to put her down. I feel terrible... like what if I was wrong?  What if I hadn’t boarded her?  I had her for 12 years and my life feels so sad and lost without her.
Quote 0 0
Olgita256
My sincere condolences.    I lost my boy over 2 years ago.   I was an emotional mess.  He was 15 1/2 a Pomeranian.... had him since he was 3 months.  I write to give you hope.  It took me 8-9 months to feel a bit better.  Lost 15 lbs in a matter of 4-5 months.  Sought counseling... he was diagnosed with Cushings... was on harsh meds.. the what if’s were killing me.   Two years later there is not a day I don’t think about him.   I have let go of the what if’s and I’m able to reminisce about the good times    Time helps... your heart will heal.  While I was at work I would run to my car at least 3-4 times a day and cry my heart out.  I would come home and kick my pillow and scream and cry.   Don’t let anyone tell you to “snap out of it”.  My sister would roll her eyes when she’d visit and saw how I was.  I would suggest don’t try to hold your feelings... it’s a process.. cry when you need to.  Find a place to scream, kick or just talk to her as if she was stil there listening.   I know right now it feels as if you will never heal but I’m here to tell you that you will.  I will say a prayer for you.  
Quote 0 0
VR
Awww! Thanks so much for your kind words and support... they really mean a lot to me!  I had a Pomeranian that I adored.  They are the smartest, sweetest dogs ever. I was devastated when she died.  At any rate, I know that time helps... easier said than done.  I can’t believe how much I miss her and how painful this is... it feels unbearable at times.  She was a stray but she saved me.  So thanks again... not that I ever wanted you to suffer but it does help that you’ve been there and survived 🙏
Quote 1 0