Back in May 2014, we discovered a kitty had started living in our dog house.  After I started feeding her and gaining her trust, I discovered she had a couple of kittens in there with her.  I had my sons bring the entire dog house in, because it wasn't safe for them to be out with raccoons, etc and I didn't want anything to happen to them.

After bringing them in, we discovered not two but four kittens.  They were about a week old maybe two.  They were just starting to open their eyes.

I swore, after having to put my Jazzy cat down in 2012 that I'd never have any more animals because I cannot take the loss when they leave me.

Everyone told me this was meant to be and that I was the perfect person to have these babies in my life, having always been an animal lover and especially kitties.  Knowing it would be costly, I decided to keep all five kitties.  I knew they were meant to be with us and they were so adorable we fell in love with all of them.  It's amazing how they're all so different and have unique personalities.  I knew at some point I'd lose them, but by then they'd be older and we will have had many years together.

We've named them all, I've bought them collars, I've had the momma kitty spayed, the two boys neutered and had the girls scheduled to be spayed, one yesterday and one today.  Jilly and I connected from day one.  She was a sweet baby girl, with different coloring than the others, she had a black nose and a very pink mouth.  She loved to snuggle from the beginning and loved to be petted and would meow, meow, meow because she didn't want the attention to stop.  She was also the one always getting into things she wasn't supposed to get into.  She was an absolute joy to have around and I loved her so much!!

Yesterday (10/30/14), I took my little girl in to be spayed.  The vet recommend the time and, although, I felt guilty about it I knew it was best for them to be spayed. I told her momma and brothers and sister we'd be back after work.  When we got there, their OPEN sign wasn't on so I took Jilly out of her carrier and held her for a bit and hugged her.  When I took her in, I told her I'd be back after work to pick her up.  I called the vet after a couple of hours because I hadn't heard from them.  They had called my home phone, rather than my cell phone and said she was doing great and was waking up.  The vet was busy and would call me back.

When she called, she told me she had bad news.  My little Jilly had died.  As she was waking up she went into respiratory failure and she couldn't revive her.  I couldn't believe it!  How could that happen?  It's a routine surgery these days!  What was I going to tell her momma and siblings?  What was I going to do without my Jilly, she's only 5 months old (almost 5-1/2).  I was at work and absolutely devastated.  My little girl was gone!

A couple of women from work brought me home, I woke up my sons who are young men now, told them and they went with me to say our final good-byes.  It was so hard to leave my baby girl there!  She was so beautiful and sweet!  I cried all day yesterday, felt sick to my stomach and had a headache from crying so much.  I felt so guilty for taking her in, even though the vet told me it was time to take her in.

I've been feeling a little better today, but still haven't had an appetite.  Now tonight, I'm crying again and can't imagine life without my Jilly.  Who would think a 52 year old woman would be so attached to her furry baby and it would be so devastating?  I am absolutely devastated and heartbroken.  Yes, I have momma and her three siblings and I love them too.  Jilly, was special and was the light in our family.

I know time heals, but I am so devastated right now, I don't know what to do!!  Does anyone have any suggestions?  I'm back to crying and know I'll have a headache the rest of the night!

RIP my sweet, sweet Jilly!  I love you so much and I am so sorry!!  So very sorry!! In hindsight I should have left you at home!  I am so, so sorry my sweet baby girl!!  

Jilly 2014.jpg 

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Oh how awful,.  Just for a routine spaying.   What on earth happened.  I can't tell you how sorry I am -   and I feel your shock.   And how unfair.  You took those kitties in and gave them
a loving home , how wonderful it was of you to do that.  And of course you would think they would be around for many more years, who wouldn't.  For that to happen is beyond belief.   I don't know what to say -     I feel so terribly sad for you.  I know how I would feel, just devastated.
Please come back and talk some more if you feel like it, as you're amongst friends and all who read this share your grief, and again I'm so very sorry.

PS  I've just seen the rest of your post, it didn't come out at first, and the photo of your
darling little Jilly.   There is nothing to blame yourself for, nothing.  At the very least in her short life she had unconditional love and comfort from you.  You saved her and the rest of her family and brought them into a home with love.  Without you they probably wouldn't have had it.   

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Thank you Kate!!  I wish I knew what happened, but I don't.  The vet says it must have been an allergic reaction to the anesthesia.  I don't really care at this point!  I just know that she's gone and I feel so bad for her and for her momma, siblings, me, my boys, my dog!!  I have to find a way to stop crying!  I don't know how I'll be able to go to work on Monday if I can't figure out how to get through this horrible, horrible guilt I'm feeling. Needless to say, her sister didn't get spayed today and I don't know how I'll ever be able to take her in!!

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So sorry for your loss.  She is a beautiful animal.  I understand your devastation, but nothing you could have done.  You were doing what most pet owners would do, getting her taken care of.  It is so unfair and makes no sense.  There are no words...  only time..   if that helps.    Again, so sorry, there are no words of comfort.  Just know you can get all the support you need here..and NO, nothing wrong with a 53 yr old feeling like that!  She gave you unconditional love and some animals have such a strong bond with their owners.

Dali, as much a daughter as any human...  pure love
Until we meet again


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Thank you.
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I'm so sorry for your loss. The pain of losing our little babies is unbearable. Sometimes that's can be so negligent.. I'm trying not to get angry at the vets because I know that they are here to help animals but sometimes they just seem like they don't care or do a half job. Your kitty is so beautiful may she rest in peace.
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I'm so sorry for your loss. Jilly was a beautiful girl.

Mommy will always love you and keep you in her heart, my dear sweet Raven.
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i'm so sorry for your loss.  she looks so much like my Penny - my tiny tiger.  it's hard to wrap your head around the thought that they're gone - especially when it is so sudden and you feel like there was no reason for it.  please don't blame yourself - this is not your fault.  guilt seems to be a common theme when you lose someone you love.  I hope that you're able to find some comfort in your memories of your sweet girl.
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Oh I know how you feel. We know these things happen. They happen to humans as well - in routine things. But it causes deep anger. Anger at the vet and at yourself. I'm there now myself. I'm 70 years old and suffering from the loss two days ago of my dog.

But you and I both have been through this process many times and we know we just have to give it time. I have trouble eating too and lost weight this week. I'm half sick and in my case, it's a lot of guilt. But I suggest you try and look at the good in your relationship with your baby and try not to dwell on your anger and guilt. When you feel it coming on, pull a rubber band on your wrist to bring yourself back to thinking what you might have learned from this and know you have no guilt in this - none at all. You did what you felt was right for your baby. And it "was" right and in all likelihood it would have happened with any vet. Of course, it may not have. But none of that is your fault

Fortunately, you have other pets that need your love and attention. And you have your sons for support and help. So think of those things too. I'd give anything if I could have afforded a vet for my Pepper and had her put down by her vet. And I would have given anything to have some real support here with me. So don't overlook what you "do" have.

I know you are hurting. But each day will bring a degree of healing. And you'll always have the memory of your baby. No one can destroy her memory inside of you.

I'm truly sorry for your loss and know that as I type this, I'm in the throws of grief too.
Pet Parent to a wonderful diabetic cat, Buddy. He's all I have left and spoiled rotten. I've had a chain of pet losses the last few years and it doesn't get easier.
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Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement.  Today was a little bit better day, however, I still cannot stop thinking about my little Jilly.  The house seems so quiet without her.  She was the life of the party for the short time she was with us.  It feels like the light has left my home.  Her sister has been meowing a lot today and I feel like she's looking for her.  There is no way to explain to her family what happened.  I feel like they're afraid of me now.  Like I'm the bad lady that is going to put them in that carrier and then they won't come home again.  They snuggle when it's bedtime, however, if I want to pick them up they run away. I can's say I blame them and hope in time I earn their trust back.  I don't know how I'll ever get her sister, Marley, spayed.  After this I don't think I can do it.  We'll see how it goes when she's a little older and bigger I guess.  I know it's the best, but now I'm fearful she won't come home either and I don't think I could stand it, if it happened again.  :-(

Ski1944, I'm so very sorry for your recent loss.  I get it 100% and I thank you for your support during your time of grieving.
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Peace be with you.

You are not alone. I know it feels unfair to have only had her for such a short period. I know how you feel. Your feelings are you own. And even while my other cat is in my lap trying to make me feel better, I'm still mourning Napolean.
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