KMKatherine

I'm sorry for the long post but I'm just over come with guilt and need to get every thing out. I don't want to eat, I sit and shake from grief, I go to sleep but just wake up and cry, my face burns and I've been crying so much my eyes are having trouble focusing. I loved her so much and I failed her, I didn't keep my promise to keep her safe. It would of been 3 years that I have had Murdock (Dock) and Dixie in August. All I can think about is how I could of stopped this from happening, everything I did wrong, and how afraid she must of been. Two weeks ago I started having a Neighbor come over and walk my dogs  during the day when I'm at work. She came over a month before starting and I showed her the dogs, she saw the cats walking around, and I told her not to worry if she heard birds upstairs because they are in a closed room. Why would she open the door anyways, right? the dogs had free roam of the house and wouldn't be in any of the closed rooms. I kept them in my closed room in there cage when I wasn't home and let them both fly around my room when I was. She forgot that they were there, she didn't even remember them. On Thursday of this week I came home late to find my door had been opened and left open. I rushed up to check to make sure everything was okay and I saw both of them just sitting in their cage. I thought everything was fine till I got closer and saw the blood on Dixie's wing. I called the 24 hour emergency vet and rushed them both there. Murdock looked fine but I brought him just in case and to support his friend. The vet said it was a bad injury and we started going through our options. Euthanasia, bandage and antibiotics/pain killers, take her home, leave her there? She was alert ands moving and still trying to fly. I was hopeful and the vet said there was a chance she could recover and that the main thing that could kill her now was stress. She said she would be okay with her going home with us if we brought her back tomorrow to she how the wing was healing. They bandaged her wing and we took her home. The vet tech's used medical tape to create these false pull taps so she would bite at that and not the bandage. When we got home at 1am she had slipped out of her bandage, I took her back and they redid it and I got her an e-collar too so she couldn't get the banged off. They put medical tape around the edge and pull taps on that too. After about an hour I figured she wasn't going to get out of her cast. I kept her in the smaller travel cage for safety and kept the sheet I had over it for traveling over it so she could try to relax and rest. When I checked up on her at 3am before going to bed for a little myself she looked alert but like she was trying to fall asleep before I moved the sheet cover her cage to check on her. I really thought she was going to be okay. I told her I loved her and I would see her in the morning. When I woke up at 7am to check on her she was gone. She had pulled off one of the pull tabs on the e-collar and it was lodged in her beak. I don't think it happened long before I woke up. I'm so heart broken, she survived the cats attacking her from the outside of her cage, lived through the stress of having her wing wrapped, only to suffocate on a piece of medical tape that wasn't even necessary for her recovery. She must of been so afraid. I should of put her to sleep peacefully when I had the chance. I should of stayed up with her all night to be sure she would be okay. I didn't know she would be able to pull off and choke on the tabs, I don't think the vet techs thought she would either. She was such a sweet bird and me and Murdock miss her so much. I feel horrible for what she went through. If I didn't get a dog walker she would still be alive. If I was more clear about which room the birds were in she would still be alive. If I left you at the vet then maybe they would of saw you choking, they could of saved you. If I put her to sleep at the vet then she wouldn't of had to suffer anymore. I'm so sorry Dixie, I wish I could do this all over again. I hope you are with out pain and flying free somewhere. I love you Dixie. I'm going to miss how you would wait for me to get Murdock before you would step up on to my hand, you were such a sweet shy girl. I'll miss you looking down at me from the bird play shelves above my bed. I'll miss your songs in the morning and seeing you and Murdock fly around my room together. Murdock is doing okay, he is still eating but isn't noisy or as playful outside of the cage like he was when you were here. I've given him lots of treats, a new toy that's meant to comfort birds (its green like you), and let him sit on my shoulder but I know he's grieving too and don't want to push him. I hope He and I can both recover from this one day. I hope I can forgive myself someday. 

 

If I'm being honest, I am afraid to share this. Today is my first day on this site and although everyone seems really supportive I'm still scared. I feel like a failure as a pet mom and don't think I could handle anyone tearing me down further. This is one of the sites I found that helped with grieving. I called a pet loss grief line yesterday and it helped to talk it out. I hoping sharing on here may help me too. I wanted to share a photo of Dixie but was having trouble resizing the image. If I figure it out ill post it here. She was this cute little green and yellow parakeet with indigo cheeks. Thank you for your support.

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Sampson
Please don't worry about sharing my dear. You are among friends and people who understand your pain. I read through your story twice and this was in no way your fault. I have tears in my eyes just thinking of everything you've been through. Your dog walker shouldn't have been in your room, never mind leaving your door open. There was no way you could possibly foresee that happening. In addition the vet tech should have been more careful with the medical tape and pull tabs. I would suggest letting them know what happened so they are aware this can happen. Above all what I want to tell you is that Dixie knew you loved her J do she had a good life. When you described her singing and flying around your room with Murdock I thought "there was a happy girl". Sadly accidents can happen and this one was so tragic.
My deepest condolences on your loss.
Sam
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Jessiesmommy
Ohno, this was not your fault!! if the vet techs couldn't forsee it you can't blame yourself. I posted
earlier about losing my beautiful sweet girl cat this morning and I am a wreck too, I have cried all day and like you I am feeling so mad at myself for not seeing she was sick, not preventing this. I feel like a failure too that I couldve donesomething anything else ...though I am reminding myself that I love her so much and if there was any way I saw this coming I wouldve prevented it...and you need tell yourself that too. I am not going to stop beating myself up yet but I think its part of this horrible process. Much love to you and Murdock on the terrible loss. I feel your pain :(
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KMKatherine

Sam, 

Thank you for your message. I had mentioned to the dog walker early on that sometimes Chloe (7 year old beagle) likes to go upstairs and lay on my sisters bed if the door is open. She said that she was looking for Chloe and decided to check the rooms upstairs. when she opened my door and the cat ran in she decided to leave it open because she didn't want to lock the cat in. The more I think about it though the less I believe that. Chloe is a noisy baby when someone walks into the house and will make her presents know. I collected my key back from her, I cant trust her around the fur babies now. I know she didn't mean to cause Dixie's death but I just cant risk it with the dogs, cats, and Murdock. I have called the vets office and let them know what had happened. I originally called to just cancel my follow up appointment and tell them she had past. A few hours later when it really sunk in how she had really passed I calmly called them back and informed them that it can be fatal to place the pull tabs on the inside of the E-collars. They connected me to a manager to tell them what had happened. She said that she would talk to and inform the vet of what had happened and would call be back. This was Friday when I had called up haven't received a call back yet. I want call back and make sure the message was given to the vet and her team because I don't want another person or pet to experience this. I going to give it another day or so. The vet I saw was one of the night shift vets and the manager was part of the day shift and I don't know what days they work so they may of just not met and spoken in full yet. 

I was very calm when taking in to the dog walker and the vets office. I'm trying not to hold anger towards either of them. No one meant for this to happen and I'm not one to take my emotions out on others. It can be hard though to not feel resentment towards them though, that's just going to take time for me to work through. Its only been three day so I just need to give everything time. I don't want the negative feeling I have towards myself about this to harm someone else.  

-Katherine

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KMKatherine

Jessiesmommy wrote:
Ohno, this was not your fault!! if the vet techs couldn't forsee it you can't blame yourself. I posted earlier about losing my beautiful sweet girl cat this morning and I am a wreck too, I have cried all day and like you I am feeling so mad at myself for not seeing she was sick, not preventing this. I feel like a failure too that I couldve donesomething anything else ...though I am reminding myself that I love her so much and if there was any way I saw this coming I wouldve prevented it...and you need tell yourself that too. I am not going to stop beating myself up yet but I think its part of this horrible process. Much love to you and Murdock on the terrible loss. I feel your pain :(
 


Thank you for your message. I saw your post when I first joined yesterday. I'm so sorry for your loss. Its true, If either of us new what was happening or going to happen we would of done everything we could to prevent it. Cats are very good at hiding when they aren't well and she already was a picky eater, there was no way that you could of known. I hope we can both forgive ourselves one day. Part of me know its not true when I tell myself I'm a failure for letting this happen but its hard not to believe that after losing someone you cared about. I do agree that its sometimes just part of the process and it hurts that it is. I hope that you will find peace one day and I will try to do the same. 

Katherine 

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KMKatherine

Dear Dixie,

Today was better. I got to spend a lot of time with Murdock yesterday and had him out for a couple of hours today too. He is still isn't the same with out you here Dixie. I can tell he missis you, we both do. Its still really hard when I first wake up in the mornings. Your cage is at the foot of my bed and your play shelves sit above it so its the first thing I see when I wake up. It brings every feeling flooding back,. Dispare, anger, hopelessness, and fear. The fear that this could happen to Murdock some how. I have tried so hard to prevent what had happen from happening, and it didn't work. I check my door multiple times before leaving, I make sure I can find the cats so they aren't around your home, but I missed something. I missed that the people I bring around could cause this. I worry someday either I will slip up or someone else will again. I love Murdock and after what happened I wondered if I should keep him. If he might be happier and safe somewhere else. That it would be selfish to keep him in a place where something so horrible could happen. But I don't think that would help him. I care about him and I know that you do too still. What happened was a tragic accident and could happen where he may go. I know that if something were to happen to him here I would get he help, that he is fed, has hours of fly time outside of his cage, and that he is so loved here. I don't know if I were to find him another home that he would ever have that forever. He is part of my family, and I will make sure he is happy till he joins you one day Dixie. Its hard without you here but thank you for letting me be apart of your life here on earth. I don't know what happens when we leave out body's here on earth but I hope that one day when I pass on I am able to see you again. I hope that you are no logger in pain and can no longer feel the fear you experienced here on earth. It maybe a long time till I can see you again but I hope that what I write here goes to you somehow, I hope you know that I still think of and care for you. I'm looking at Murdock as I type this, he was doing his little head bob dance but has now gone back to eating treats. He has gotten more curious  about the little tend I put in your cage. Its the toy meant to comfort him. He hasn't go into it yet but I think hes going to try in the next few days. For now he's just sticking to pecking on the outside of it. I hope it can give him some sort of comfort. It can be hard for me to look at him using part of your play set to clean and ruff the feather on his face. You both used to do that to each other. On the day I want to look at Parakeets to bring home the lady at the store asked if I saw the two Parakeets cleaning each other. It was you two. You both were being trained together and would follow each other around the cage. There were many birds in the cage with you two, but there you were, just siting together and cleaning each others heads. I love and miss you Dixie, even on the days when the tears stop flowing. Although that wont be for a while. I hope you know that is doesn't mean that I don't miss you, I always will. I just hope to smile more when I think of you someday. I love you Dixie and I hope you are resting easy now 

With love from your friends back on earth 

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COOKIES4
Catherine I hope you can hear this I'm talking it in I'm crying about your parakeet it's an awful story and John and Vera emailed me so that I could help you because I had a cockatiel with the little orange cheeks and his name is Sparky and he was 28 going on 29 initially everyone and on his Monument thinks it was 29 Going on 30 but I found out yesterday looking at one of Sparky's pictures that he really was almost 29 Sparky was a smart loving child of ours I've been with him longer than I was even with my first husband and now I'm married and we're together 18 years and I wasn't even with my parents at home that long because I left the house early he was Jim in our child here he was our baby he talked he played music and saying songs to is YouTube songs what happened with him was I had really no clue he was sick but he did have a bad pressure sore on the bottom of his foot and you know he's a cockatiel and he has a little orange cheeks and he gets his longevity from the cockatoo the big white bird the only thing we really noticed and he was baby he was never left alone when he was out of the cage he was eating his food right there with us I wasn't really letting him fly much anymore he couldn't even really get a lot of flight anymore he was not sick but he did have the bad foot and I put moleskin on his white perch for a pressure sore that he had and I was very careful cuz I know how easy it is for them to catch their nails on things to get things in there because they bite everything and I did put the tape on there and was constantly taking a cuticle scissors and cutting every little bit of extra strand on the tape so there's something for you to understand now with burdock he needed his nails cut but that certainly could have been what made my birdie Sparky pass away he had a little bit trouble going through pools the night before because he would always turn around and he was sitting in my hand all the time when we watched his videos and he's been doing that a little more the night before he really didn't go much but there was some very dark stool on my sheet on the corner and I still haven't even been able to change my sheet in that area we put something over the rest of it he has been gone 3 months when you talk about your baby what I think is yes the vet should have known that I really don't believe in colors or any of that I had a parakeet with a tumor or female years ago I raised parakeets I had 12 or 13 and I did not want to call her on her her name was Jade and that was because of the very reason you're talking about I unfortunately didn't know that much then but I did leave her in there and she suffered for a long time with her partner Jeremy and the babies were in another cage I do not know how you could have possibly known unless you would read up on collars and fabric but I did know how easy it was for Sparky to buy things or to catch his nails and things now they have to Murdock I would not let her fly fly free unless you really are careful which it seems like you are Let Her Fly when you are there with the door shut get a lock on the inside of the door if you want to make sure that none of your cat's accidentally get in there my belief is cats and birds don't mix that's just my belief but obviously it's works for you you have dogs to just be careful of how they can get in there you did the totally right thing with the dog walker the dog walker should never have allowed that you were very trusting I do think that you do have some recourse with the with the vet my Sparky went to a 24-hour vet when he passed in my hand what happened with Sparky again it's I've been on my computer that day I really haven't been on it so the night before he went night night we slept in the room with us everything seemed all right except I knew I was concerned about what I did see come out of his event I've got a lot of mistakes here Catherine I'm going to try to correct him I am talking it in I have been crying day and night about my baby I'm still not over it I have a good friend I'm at there that's been helping more than one and there's only one other mommy there that has a bird and her name is Mary and her baby is feathers if you wanted to visit feathers Rainbow Bridge Memorial and Sparky has his I think I blame myself too because I didn't check him hardly at all that next day and I usually go in there or Jim goes in there but we had someone doing some stuff on her computer and you know it was like that remote and 445 hours they were doing that to try to correct my laptop which I almost never use it's almost like I feel my higher power blamed me for getting on the laptop that I've only had out once or twice or which way since then I've got tons of pictures I could barely look at them but the worst of my story is when I went in there to take him out he was panting really bad I can't get the image of him panting out of my eyes I can't he was leaning against his favorite Baltoy he has babies he's named him he has Rags that he knows what they are he said if you're happy and you know it clap your hands so this is what I'm talking about I looked at him and I can't be gone even though I knew how old he was almost 30 or 28 almost 29 I just thought this can't be I took about I hold him until he passed in gym and I sprayed is that because he had a whole bunch of stool coming out of his vet which tells me he had to be blocked up somehow or he could have had stomach cancer someone mention I really don't know what's wrong so we kept him there I put him in a box he was in his box with his favorite blanket in there over at a receiving blanket he had his special Bounty paper towel wrapped in that and he was kept here it was a holiday it was December 28th of one 7 and then he went from the 24 hour emergency clinic who took very good care of him every time we called they would say he was okay and my husband went over there two or three times to change the things that we wanted him buried in rather cremated in and that the person that did him even more wrong than me and my guilt was a 24-hour no sorry was sorry Metro Animal Hospital and crematorium in Plainfield Illinois I would like everyone to know who they are because instead of cremating him which they promised me it was a hundred and eighty to cremate him but the hospital gave it back the hospital did nothing when I talk to this woman at Metro Animal Hospital her name is Lisa they are owners she swore to me that she would cremate him in his special box I really felt that even though we believe they're dead then that my babies Sparky saw every bit of it Sparky was not cremated in his box she did not tell the right person or didn't give a darn about it and he was cremated in a cup a metal cup fair so that he saw what they did I do believe he saw I believe his Spirit was looking over it and he was terrified I just know it I feel it and another thing as far as your cat my girlfriend's cat when I was younger I live with three girls got into my parakeets cage my parakeets name was Tinker years ago I'm way past in my young 20s and her cat killed my bird I have to share this with you I don't know what else you want to do but that was something I had years ago that just came back to me the other day I would just say be very careful of Burdock I cannot tell you about your other Grandma animals but it is not your fault it is not your fault I don't you could not have known I didn't know about him but even then I still carry gills and I'll be real honest with you I still think it was my fault that I didn't know he was sick the night before or was he or was it because I didn't go in and check him usually we check him constantly we save money I'll be right there daddy will be right there he said Daddy he said Mommy so bless you you could write me if you want I would just stay be very careful now and I would definitely get back to that animal hospital and tell them that Veterinary Clinic tell them what you feel and I don't know what liability they have but my disability lawyer my husband and I are both on disability told us that they really in the case of my in the case of my Sparky he was not alive I'm repeating because I'm talkin it in I have a sore mouth and I'm crying in your case your baby was alive so that's up to you what you say or do they insisted at my vet hospital who did absolutely nothing wrong that I get the 180 back that they share the cost with the the crematorium I didn't want it I didn't ask for it but I got it back and it really gave me absolutely no comfort in the only knowing that I got it back but the person that was a mantis about me getting it back was a crematorium she threw that in my face that's my story my name is Joan or Joan and Jim his name is Sparky and I don't think I'm going to edit any of this cuz it's way too long and I'm not feeling well I'm crying now for your bird and I'm going to send you a picture with this if I could get it in of Sparky if you want your picture resized I'm repeating because this is typing in wrong stuff you sent it to Jenny she will resize anything you want and then you'll be able to show us your picture cuz it is hard to resize I'm going to send my pictures of him to you now please feel free to write me and if you do want to private message me that's fine but I think you could just do that here my private messages closed now I think they go ahead and share of a lot of wonderful people here wonderful people here and they will help you as they've helped me and thank you my name is Joan
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