I'm sorry for the long post but I'm just over come with guilt and need to get every thing out. I don't want to eat, I sit and shake from grief, I go to sleep but just wake up and cry, my face burns and I've been crying so much my eyes are having trouble focusing. I loved her so much and I failed her, I didn't keep my promise to keep her safe. It would of been 3 years that I have had Murdock (Dock) and Dixie in August. All I can think about is how I could of stopped this from happening, everything I did wrong, and how afraid she must of been. Two weeks ago I started having a Neighbor come over and walk my dogs during the day when I'm at work. She came over a month before starting and I showed her the dogs, she saw the cats walking around, and I told her not to worry if she heard birds upstairs because they are in a closed room. Why would she open the door anyways, right? the dogs had free roam of the house and wouldn't be in any of the closed rooms. I kept them in my closed room in there cage when I wasn't home and let them both fly around my room when I was. She forgot that they were there, she didn't even remember them. On Thursday of this week I came home late to find my door had been opened and left open. I rushed up to check to make sure everything was okay and I saw both of them just sitting in their cage. I thought everything was fine till I got closer and saw the blood on Dixie's wing. I called the 24 hour emergency vet and rushed them both there. Murdock looked fine but I brought him just in case and to support his friend. The vet said it was a bad injury and we started going through our options. Euthanasia, bandage and antibiotics/pain killers, take her home, leave her there? She was alert ands moving and still trying to fly. I was hopeful and the vet said there was a chance she could recover and that the main thing that could kill her now was stress. She said she would be okay with her going home with us if we brought her back tomorrow to she how the wing was healing. They bandaged her wing and we took her home. The vet tech's used medical tape to create these false pull taps so she would bite at that and not the bandage. When we got home at 1am she had slipped out of her bandage, I took her back and they redid it and I got her an e-collar too so she couldn't get the banged off. They put medical tape around the edge and pull taps on that too. After about an hour I figured she wasn't going to get out of her cast. I kept her in the smaller travel cage for safety and kept the sheet I had over it for traveling over it so she could try to relax and rest. When I checked up on her at 3am before going to bed for a little myself she looked alert but like she was trying to fall asleep before I moved the sheet cover her cage to check on her. I really thought she was going to be okay. I told her I loved her and I would see her in the morning. When I woke up at 7am to check on her she was gone. She had pulled off one of the pull tabs on the e-collar and it was lodged in her beak. I don't think it happened long before I woke up. I'm so heart broken, she survived the cats attacking her from the outside of her cage, lived through the stress of having her wing wrapped, only to suffocate on a piece of medical tape that wasn't even necessary for her recovery. She must of been so afraid. I should of put her to sleep peacefully when I had the chance. I should of stayed up with her all night to be sure she would be okay. I didn't know she would be able to pull off and choke on the tabs, I don't think the vet techs thought she would either. She was such a sweet bird and me and Murdock miss her so much. I feel horrible for what she went through. If I didn't get a dog walker she would still be alive. If I was more clear about which room the birds were in she would still be alive. If I left you at the vet then maybe they would of saw you choking, they could of saved you. If I put her to sleep at the vet then she wouldn't of had to suffer anymore. I'm so sorry Dixie, I wish I could do this all over again. I hope you are with out pain and flying free somewhere. I love you Dixie. I'm going to miss how you would wait for me to get Murdock before you would step up on to my hand, you were such a sweet shy girl. I'll miss you looking down at me from the bird play shelves above my bed. I'll miss your songs in the morning and seeing you and Murdock fly around my room together. Murdock is doing okay, he is still eating but isn't noisy or as playful outside of the cage like he was when you were here. I've given him lots of treats, a new toy that's meant to comfort birds (its green like you), and let him sit on my shoulder but I know he's grieving too and don't want to push him. I hope He and I can both recover from this one day. I hope I can forgive myself someday.
If I'm being honest, I am afraid to share this. Today is my first day on this site and although everyone seems really supportive I'm still scared. I feel like a failure as a pet mom and don't think I could handle anyone tearing me down further. This is one of the sites I found that helped with grieving. I called a pet loss grief line yesterday and it helped to talk it out. I hoping sharing on here may help me too. I wanted to share a photo of Dixie but was having trouble resizing the image. If I figure it out ill post it here. She was this cute little green and yellow parakeet with indigo cheeks. Thank you for your support.