ClaireT

Lost my best friend max Thursday night.  He played in the park. He had dinner.  He died.  13 yr old puppy.  My son, his gf and I think we are going crazy. I lost my parents. I did not feel this. I’ve never felt this.  My heart is in pieces.  How is this ok??  I cry. And cry. Then laugh, then try and go about my day and I cry. I feel like I don’t know how to live in this world without him. I’m a therapist. Lol. And I’m so lost.  The nice man came to get him.  I literally got sick. Is this normal?? It better end because I have a big life and responsibilities. I can’t just cry.  But I can’t stop. 

glad you are all out there.  This sucks 

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Buddy_Mama
Hi Claire: I’m so sorry about your Max, and I’m glad you’re here. This is a great place to vent feelings that don’t even seem to make sense, feelings that others in our lives may not know how to react to, or may not want to hear at all - yet when we’re trying to cope with profound grief, what we need most is someone to listen, understand, support, and not judge.

Believe me, you’re not alone in what you’re feeling or doing. You, your son and his girlfriend are not crazy; what you’re describing are very normal feelings and reactions to shock and grief. I lost my Buddy in early March, and I too felt debilitating shock, disbelief, disconnect, deep deep sorrow, and guilt over many things (including that I felt worse, cried more, etc. than when I lost my dad a year and a half ago). Lost. And much more.

I too got sick the night I lost Buddy, though my circumstances were a bit different. We brought him to the emergency vet hospital late on a Saturday night, and came home less than 2 hours later without him. When we got home, I was in a daze, then I hallucinated for what felt like hours, then got sick, then laid down and took a nap from physical and emotional exhaustion. It’s the body trying to cope and adapt, not knowing (yet) how to do it.

I too have felt that I literally don’t know how to live without my boy. He was my world, my best friend, my reason to get up in the morning, my reason to have a schedule and purpose in my day.

I can tell you that the intensity of what you’re experiencing does ease, eventually. It may feel like it will never let up, and that having to go on with life feels fake and like a betrayal to our baby who’s gone... but it will get better. I promise. Slowly and gradually, it will. I still have moments where I break down and cry, get angry that my boy was taken so suddenly and so young, but those moments are no longer happening multiple times every day. We have an impressive ability to heal from trauma, with time and support. That’s why it’s so good to come here - you can express what’s inside to get it out of you, and receive support from others who know exactly how you feel and are on this journey of loss too.

Sending you hugs...
Cindy (Buddy’s mama)
My baby Buddy 5/4/10-3/7/20, rescued March 2011
My sweet Mandy 11/27/91-11/2/10, rescued November 1992
My beautiful Barney 4/28/73-9/7/92, adopted May 1973
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ClaireT

Thank you.  Really.  It’s surreal. I’m a therapist. He was a therapy dog.. suicidal and depressed teenagers.  I know all this but I need to hear it in this context, because it feels foreign to me. Very odd. Every first is nauseating. People are coming by and knocking and leaving cards and flowers and food, and he’s not here to bark. I want to yell at him to SHHH.  But I am also stunned by how many people in his 13 yrs this little fluff ball touched so deeply.  It’s incredible.  

I hope I can get to grateful soon.  Again, thank you.  I need to invite people to the memorial Monday night. How do I do that?? Can I???   Especially since virus erases in person memorial.  Which truly sucks. 

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Buddy_Mama
My heart breaks for you, and I’m even more sorry for the loss of Max - since he was a therapy dog, I’m sure that means that lots of people are heartbroken at his loss. You’re right, the shock of this kind of loss feels so surreal, and all the firsts are agonizing.

I hope you were able to have Max’s memorial tonight, hopefully by Zoom or another online method, so that as many people as possible could participate. But even if you couldn’t do it tonight, one good thing about online is the flexibility of scheduling. And when it’s safe to do in-person gatherings, you can do that too, even if has to be months from now. He will not be forgotten in the interim.

I know how much this sucks. *Everything* about this sucks. At my lowest moments, I’ve told myself that it all comes down to: I have no choice but to accept the situation. As much as I hate it, as much as I cry and rage, as much as I want it to have never happened. It’s a challenge that life has presented to me, and I can either remain in an indefinite state of disbelief and non-acceptance and sadness... or I can decide to work my way back to the happier person I was when my baby was still with me - for his sake, for his memory, to honor all the wonderful time we had together.

It’s been really hard to think and act in those terms, but I’m gradually getting better at doing this. I hope you’ll be able to do this too. Please keep coming here when you need perspective and support. Hugs...
Cindy (Buddy’s mama)
My baby Buddy 5/4/10-3/7/20, rescued March 2011
My sweet Mandy 11/27/91-11/2/10, rescued November 1992
My beautiful Barney 4/28/73-9/7/92, adopted May 1973
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snrein1016
Hi Clair. My heart goes out to you. As you know, the pain does ease. It took me several weeks to get any sense of normalcy back in my life though. It just takes time. Blessings to you.
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kikis_mom_1118
It is very, very painful in the beginning. Then it gets a little better as time goes on. I have had monthly relapses for the past 5 months. I'm having one now watching a movie with a dog in it. Ugh...it just sucks and there is nothing I can do about it but continue to move forward. 
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lotusbunny
I cried more losing my 12 year old dog Gandalf and then my 1 year old dog Luxor more than I ever cried for my grandparents or over some boy breaking my heart. I literally threw up when I came home from the vet without Lux because I was so sick to my stomach. Your reaction is completely normal, and I am so sorry you’ve had to experience this. It’s a pain that I would never wish on anyone.
It’s been 5 months since I lost my Luxor, and I still don’t quite feel mentally stable. But I promise you that some sense of normalcy returns. Take care and please allow yourself to mourn.
-Kitty
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Yaoyao
I'm so sorry for your loss, I just lost my baby yesterday morning, it came very sudden. I came home to an empty apartment and I felt so sick physically, I couldn't face anything that reminds me of home, which is everything, so I just sat on the floor facing the kitchen oven and cried. I lit sx candles for him later in the day to honor him, since I won't have his ashes back for another few  days. Today is day 2 without him, I feel worse and can't do anything but think about him. I swear I can still hear him. I don't know if I'm losing my mind. 
I guess it's normal to feel this way when we lose our babies. I'm sorry to say that but didn't feel this heartbroken when I lost my grandparents. I've never experienced heartbroken that hurts so bad. Like someone literally cut a hole in my heart and the hole is bottomless. 

I hope you will feel better tomorrow, and I hope you'll have the support you need. 

I'm so grateful to find this community. 
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Buddy_Mama
Extending a hug of solidarity to Claire and all of you who have responded to her post. We all share a gut-wrenching sadness that's hard to describe and even harder to cope with. One day, one hour at a time... <3
Cindy (Buddy’s mama)
My baby Buddy 5/4/10-3/7/20, rescued March 2011
My sweet Mandy 11/27/91-11/2/10, rescued November 1992
My beautiful Barney 4/28/73-9/7/92, adopted May 1973
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Bebot
Hi Claire,
i understand how you feel. I had my boy for 14 years. Its been 3 weeks now and I'm still miserable.
i still cry everyday. Sometimes I'm down, sometimes i miss him, sometimes I'm mad cause he's not here beside me. All this mix emotion that's hard to handle. In short my heart is so heavy. You are not alone. Im so sorry for your lost.
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Faceinyou
Sorry about Max, 
your pain will lessen . There will be times that you find the pain is still there but a whole lot less often. You will never forget Max. You are bound by love. I asked my sled the same question as you. Why after having lost relatives ...does this hurt so much more almost? Well I have no 1 answer but part of it is that unconditional love ...that special way an animal is....no questions ...no judgement...just love. Max is ok. He’s peaceful ...you on the other hand ...remember this . Max wouldn’t want you a wreck!!! That’s how they are. They put you first!! Sound familiar ? He’s want you to be ok....doesn’t mean dont grieve! You have every right to miss him.... try to remember he’d want you to be ok. That’s why maybe we miss them so much?  Take care of yourself best you can and hang in there. You never lose the love but the pain and sting lessens with time. Wishing you the best.
toby’s dad.
Toby’s Dad
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