rosies_mom
this pain is unbearable. i left for work on my birthday last week and my rosie was fine, in perfect health.  when i came home later that day, she was shivering in pain. after two ER visits, the surgeon told me she needed emergency surgery as her back legs were paralyzed from a herniated disc. there was the chance she would get a rare disorder where the spine starts to slowly die, but seeing it was rare, i opted for the surgery.  three days later, the surgeon confirmed she had the spine disease which caused her spine to die, and there is no recovery from this, it is terminal.  on 9/11, we had to put her to sleep.  to make matters worse, i suspect my new room mate who moved in the week my rosie became paralyzed, and he possibly could have kicked her.  

i am in such grief, such agony.  why??  why did this have to happen?  she was more human than anyone, she was that dog that people offered to adopt from me, she was so special. 

i'm in agony.
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mymilo
If your roommate did kick her that is truly horrible. Some people just don't realized that's our pet is our four legged baby. I know how much I miss and feel like I loss one of my kids when my Milo pass Sept. 14, 2014. I still can't sleep or eat. I cry all the time, he was one of the best thing that ever happen to me. I wish I can tell you it will get better, because right now I don't know if it will. We'll just have to hang in there and be sad together.
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rosies_mom
thank you, milo's mom, for sharing with me.  the same day i got my PhD diploma in the mail, is the same day i got my rosie's ashes in the mail.  i'd rip up my diploma into a million pieces in a heartbeat if it meant i could have my rosie back.

i'm so angry every time i look at her ashes....she should be curled up under my arm, not cremated.  
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KrisO
My heart goes out to you.  I also lost my Corgi to IVDD a degenerative disc disease on Sept. 9.
She started out trembling with pain from a compressed disc in her neck. After I brought her to the vet and she was diagnosed and given pain medication.
I found a site for IVDD treatment and if treated in a very specific manner for 6 to 8 weeks she could have improved and been able to live an active life for a number of years.

I have the same guilt.  That I made such errors in trusting the vet clinic.  The vet diagnosed and set as treatment 24/7, extreme limits to activity. Potty breaks only.  But, he had a very young back room staff, that were basically  babysitters and either didn't read, understand or have the experience to follow the treatment.  In 2 days she went from improvement to so much pain I had to make the horrible decision that is so hard for us.  What I saw on the last day, my inability to comfort her due to her pain, the fact that I should have taken her home the 1st day of improvement rather than leaving her one more day for some young girls to make worse.  I found they were taking her for walks even though her pain was severe and obvious.  There was no professional monitoring of what they were doing.  I just can't forgive myself. For being afraid to put my hands on her to comfort her. I was so afraid I would make her pain worse.  

I will relay to you what a therapist communicated to me.

"Why wouldn't anyone forgive themselves?  Accepting that we are human and leading human lives matters a lot.  Everyone proves they are human everyday.  I don't like how human I am at times, but I am."  What he was trying to tell me was that we can judge in a negative way how human we are. How we react with guilt and anger at ourselves.  But, in the end we are just human.  We are not above being human, we aren't all knowing, it isn't possible to be perfect in a human world.
This hasn't helped me yet - with the pain, with the loss, with the anger, with judging myself at fault for what happened. 
I just hope over time it will help me minimize the self-hate for not doing better for someone I loved so much, who gave me such joy, and filled my life and home with brightness and light.
The picture and sounds will never leave my mind.  But maybe I can start to bring forward the special hours and days, the walks in the woods, to soccer games in the yard, curling up on the floor in front of the woodstove with her by my side.

I send my love to you and the hope we can both find peace in the fact that we did love them and tried our very best to deserve them in our lives.  

Kris

Kris Olsen
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rosies_mom
Dear Kris,

thank you so much for sharing your story with me, i am so so sorry for the loss of your beloved Corgi.  and thank you for sharing your therapist's words of wisdom.  i, too, beat myself up over every decision i made from the moment i came home to find her in pain....the "what-ifs" i replay over and over....i try to replace that agonizing week of unknowns with the happy memories....

it was a week ago she died on my chest.  

oh the despair.  
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patent123
Rosies mom

I to put my beautiful best friend to sleep on 9/11 from a ruptured spinal disc.  I'm taken over with guilt and pain.  I know how you feel 100% I am SO SORRY for your loss.  I am also struck with guilt unlike you I couldn't afford surgery and I hate myself that I couldn't do more to help her...even if I did try meds and therapy.  Tell yourself what I tell myself.  We had this many amazing years she knew I loved her and she loved me someday we will be together again.  Most importantly take the time to heal no matter how long it takes, cry, scream, and let it out.  When your ready do something to honor your pets memory. Thats what I plan to do and its helping ease the pain.
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rosies_mom
Dear Patent123,  

thank you so much for your heartfelt reply. and i am so sorry for the loss of your best friend!!  our babies are in heaven frolicking together, pain free, happy, not paralyzed, but 100% able to run, jump, move around without assistance!  happy!!

 to tell you the truth, i could not afford the surgery either....it cost me almost $5,000 and it ended up killing her.  i am looking for a second job to pay off this debt in 6 months.  

your kind words mean a lot.....and do not hate yourself...our babies know we did everything we possibly could within our power...look, i did surgery and it did nothing but take her life.  i will take comfort in knowing our babies are safe and whole, pain free, and happy.......


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MurphysMom_0831
rosies_mom wrote:
Dear Patent123,  

thank you so much for your heartfelt reply. and i am so sorry for the loss of your best friend!!  our babies are in heaven frolicking together, pain free, happy, not paralyzed, but 100% able to run, jump, move around without assistance!  happy!!

 to tell you the truth, i could not afford the surgery either....it cost me almost $5,000 and it ended up killing her.  i am looking for a second job to pay off this debt in 6 months.  

your kind words mean a lot.....and do not hate yourself...our babies know we did everything we possibly could within our power...look, i did surgery and it did nothing but take her life.  i will take comfort in knowing our babies are safe and whole, pain free, and happy.......




Hi Rosie's Mom,

I'm so sorry for your loss of precious Rosie. I fully understand how you feel about trying to hard and it not working anyway. My Golden Retriever Murphy went into an animal specialty hospital June 6. On June 11 they told me the only way to figure out what was wrong and cure him was to do surgery June 12. They did, put in 2 feeding tubes in his belly to try and get him nourishment, he was having hyperbaric oxygen therapy, multiple IV medications, everything possible that could be done. I was allowed to visit him on June 16 and he wasn't himself at all. He laid on the floor next to me so I joined him there for an hour. On June 17 his head doctor called and said he had taken a wonderful turn, was up and asking to go outside, bright and cheerful, taking walks, etc. He was to come home June 19 and I was so excited! At 2:30 in the afternoon on June 18 the doctor called and said to get there immediately. Murphy was dying and would soon be in terrible pain. I rushed to his side. He was wheeled into the Quiet Room as he could no longer get up or lift his head but he did wag his tail at me. His kidneys were failing, everything was crashing. I stayed with him for awhile and then he was put to sleep in my arms. Fortunately he seemed very peaceful the entire time I was with him. I spent over $13,000 for those 13 days and question myself constantly about having done the right thing at every turn. Did I agree to too much, should I have brought him home when I visited June 17, and on and on. I hope he knows I did everything humanly possible to save him and that I didn't abandon him there where he would have been so frightened.

I read what the therapist said to Kris. I hope some day I can forgive myself. I love that boy more than I've ever loved before and it has destroyed me. I hope you can find peace knowing you did all you could.

Blessings,
Murphy's Mom (Kathryn)
"Sometimes there is a dog who is so special, he is able to wrap himself so completely around your heart it is impossible to tell where you begin and he ends."  For My Beloved Murphy, 08/31/2004 - 06/18/2014


http://rainbowsbridge.com/residents/MURPH121/Resident.htm


http://s327.photobucket.com/user/kathrynbrown1626/library/?sort=6&page=1
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rosies_mom
Dear Murphy's Mom,

Oh, i understand your sorrow and second-guessing!!  Your beautiful boy Murphy and my precious Rosie do know, I believe, we did all we could for them. I'm so so sorry for your loss. I have never, in all my living life, experienced such sorrow, loss, and grief.  Knock on wood, I have not lost anyone close to me (parents, siblings, friends) but I imagine the grief is similar.  I cry every day and call out for my Rosie...some moments I'm so angry....some moments just awash with such anguish.  I am alone and without her, my alone-ness is compounded 500 fold.  she was my everything.  

Murphy, Rosie, Milo, Kris's beloved Corgi, Patent's best friend, and all beloved pets are playing in heaven, pain free, and happy.  

-Rosie's mom
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patent123
Rosies Mom-

I admire the fact that you tried every effort even if it didn't give you the cure you needed.  Sometimes we have to try everything in our power if we don't we beat our selves up later and get stuck on the "WHAT IF".  The thought of our friends running together though is amazing.  I often picture here having a new friend and potentially a new family up where ever she may be.  I even hoped she did someone knew to sleep with at night just so shes happy.  Saying good bye to a pet is hard...letting them go under tragic circumstances I think is even harder.  We plan to do something to honor our pets memory.  I've thought about leaving a Bucket of toys/treats at the dog park with a little sign and photo .  She loved playing and meeting new dogs so it seems fitting.  We also have a wickless candle we put her collar around and turn it on each night.  Its little things like this that have helped us cope with her being gone.  Maybe you can do the same?  You sound like an amazing person though and clearly you tried everything in your power to fix a terrible situation.  I know your Rosie admires you for that...I do.
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rosies_mom
Dear Patent123,

thank you for your heartfelt words.  I appreciate it tremendously.  i like the idea of a wickless candle and putting rosie's collar around it...it will illuminate her spirit in this empty room.  

i am thinking about volunteering at a shelter here, maybe walking dogs.  

thank you again, Patent123. have a safe and restful weekend.

-Rosie's mom
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rosies_mom
rosie.jpg my beautiful Rosie 
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patent123
Rosie reminds me very much of a dachshund I had growing up! Such a sweet face Rosie has.  Volunteering at a shelter is an excellent idea.  We are doing it also (I work at one part-time/when they are under staffed) Its a little sad because sometimes certain ones remind you of your friend but its very rewarding.  Its  a nice way to make another animals day just a little better while they wait to go home.


I hope you have good weekend as you deal with everything.  We are all thinking of you and Rosie.  

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