Thanks in advance for reading. I just want to get this off my chest.
She was 19 years old. I'm 26- so she had been a constant for most of my life- childhood through adulthood. She was very sick toward the end. I tried what I could to help her get better (vet prescribed antibiotics for an infection) but she just wasn't improving. I had to force feed her as she wasn't eating, and give her the meds, which she didn't like. I feel terribly guilty about that, b/c I know it was upsetting for her. I just wanted so badly for her to get better. She didn't seem to be suffering, though she didn't seem particularly happy at the end, not as much purring. I am just glad she's in peace, now. I don't know what that means- I'm not a religious person, but I am trying to think of it like that.
Now she's been gone, almost a week. I keep thinking WHAT IF in my mind, like if I had been able to do something differently and she'd still be alive. I know this is pointless thinking. But it feels like it's destroying my mind, these feelings. I would give anything to be able to go back in time and do things differently. I guess this is "bargaining".
I have been paralyzed with sadness since it happened. I have been to work, but felt like a ghost, like everything was surreal. I was aware I was not doing a good job. I also didn't care. I've been laying in my apartment, alone, doing mostly nothing. Crying sometimes. Had to call in sick to work one day last week b/c I felt too miserable. I have barely been eating. My sleep is sporadic and I have dreams constantly of her still being alive, of me still trying treatment to help her. I wake up and feel punched in the gut by reality.
I want to be able to function again without feeling like my heart is broken. I want to stop feeling guilt. Does any one have any suggestions for how to move on in my life? I don't want to forget her, I know I never will, but I want to be able to feel okay.
TLDR: I'm very sad. Any tips to get over the loss of a dear pet?