mamajlo
A beautiful site and all of you with heartache.  I wish I could say one thing to help someone.  I wish someone could say one thing to help me.  I have not only having a hard time coping with the loss of my girl, but coping with the guilt that I....ME...MYSELF, took her in to be peacefully PTS.  I won't go into the complete novel that I could write, but here is my long story short.

Delilah Rose. A pitbull boxer mix, I have had her since she was 3 months old.  She was my Mother's Day gift in 2010.  On September 3, FIVE days AFTER I made the appointment, she went to lay in the lap of God over the bridge and run free w/her sister.  Delilah was only 10.5 years old, she was a sweet, funny, jumpy and uber loving girl.  Over the past couple of years, her health, I can't say was diminishing, but wasn't top shelf anymore.  Another thing that wasn't letting her live her best life, was the fact that she lived primarily, about 80% of the day in our lower level.  I have another dog and 3 cats.  Going back a couple of years, Delilah and her new sister were bff's, couldn't break them apart.  Until one day, we literally couldn't break them apart.  Delilah, my alpha, had decided she was the only dog to be and became aggressive.  Well, I love all of my animals, so we worked out a routine, one dog in one dog out one dog upstairs one dog downstairs.  I say the lower level is a fun place, it's the man cave, video game room and craft room.  We didn't do ENOUGH down there to keep her regular company.

To try and wrap up the novella....Delilah had harmed her 1st sister who is over the rainbow bridge hopefully with her now, 2 different times.  None bad enough for vet visit, my mom worked at one and told me to clean it, keep it clean and applied some topical assistance.  The new girl, attacked twice, both extensive vet visits.  My old neighbors dog, attacked in the middle of one of those, vet bill, nothing too extensive.  My friend who brought her dogs, shi-tzu's, every weekend, attack, wouldn't let go, extensive vet visit. she was holding her dogs in another room, thought it was okay.  My girl wanted to see her her dog yipped at her and bam, grabbed the paw and wouldn't let go.  I thought she was going to have the County come and take my girl.  They did not.  I thought it was time due to her aggression but then changed my mind.  I LOVE MY DOG.  Instead, we started searching for trainers, rehabilitators, etc. high and low I tell you.  All said, too old, no aggressive dogs, etc.    So we stuck w/what we have been doing to keep her w/us.

Fast forward 5 months.  She starts not eating, have bloody watery explosions.  I freak out take to vet, spend good money on labs, etc.  She is okay.  She is getting up there but seems happy and active.  The pottying all over was a little concerning that she couldn't hold, but we moved on.  The blood seemed to disappear.  The pottying seemed less.  Then she came up one morning and my cat was near her while she was eating and she attacked him.  The cat survived w/minor injury.

i made the appt for cat to be seen and appt for my girl to go that day.  I had 5 days.  I was so afraid she would kill a cat, bite one of my children if they walked by while she was eating, having water or even just stunned her, would she attack?!  Will she bite me if I correct her?  I cried those whole 5 days.  I cried the whole way there the whole the whole way home and since then.  I lack sleep and an appetite.  I thought with her age, her minimal health issues and the fact that she is getting worse in aggression it would be best to let her go peacefully now before something else happened w/another pet or God forbid a child.  but i swear she loved us and would never harm us.  but some people say, as they get older, their brains may change, it's in their genetics, etc.  It was my decision, I had days to change it, the vet asked if I was sure through tears I said yes then I left and just screamed why why why did i do this all the way home through this very minute.  i can't go back.  i can't change it.  my girl is gone.

i do believe she has sent me signs.  unfortunately, i think i saw some signs telling me to go back and that's all my pain and guilt.  i saw them.  i should have turned around and gone home.  but she has sent me signs.  when we left i had bundled some of her short hair into a tissue in my pocket and lost it and cried my eyes out.  yes, there is some to collect form her chair, her bed.  but i think she saw my heartache.  it was windy.  she has short hair.  never have i ever seen a bundle of her hair blowing around on my deck, at that stopped right at my feet.  my brother told me she is telling me that she is okay and she loves me.  i pray to God that was what she was saying and that she will be at those gates the day i go to enter.  

if you have read all of this.  i applaud you.  maybe this was more for me.  but i just wanted to really know if anyone has been through anything similar.  Bless you all and bless your fur babies.

xo
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Sayuri
I am so sorry. Right now it may feel you didn't do the right thing, but she could've been taken away and she would've felt abandoned. I think that's a worst feeling. Prayers. My girl suffered alone. I wish I had been able to hold her in my arms when she died at the hospital. Prayers
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mamajlo
You are right, she could have been taken from me.  One of the reasons we did this now.  I try to look at age, health and the aggression all balled into one and not just the one particular reason.  I honestly feel she could have given us some more time and memories, but I was reluctant after so many chances.  People tell me it is okay.  It is right.  She knows I love her.  I love my children and was slightly anxious if she did something to them.  Or harmed even worse a cat or guest, etc.  You are right, she could have been taken from me.  She was surrounded by love and prayer and I begged her sister to meet her at the bridge and when I said it out loud the lights flickered in the room.  Emotional.  Crushed heart.  Guilty conscience.  I pray out loud to her for her signs and her forgiveness and to watch over us.  I have to believe that she will.

Thank you for your words.  

I am so sorry about your baby.  I certainly imagine your grief.  Many blessings to you and your fur baby(s).

xo
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Sayuri
About four weeks ago, I took one of my dogs for a vet appointment, he had been seen there for years. I always told them all my dogs were rescues and skittish. Kabuki is 14, and I told the vet he was showing signs of dementia. Vet was petting him, tech tried to do a bear hug restraint, but when vet tried to get needle in to get blood, Kabuki turned and tried to grab tech.

The other vet/owner sent me a letter that they were cancelling my other appointments, one for a 15 yr old dog in his last few months, and a 15 yr old cat, and they wouldn't see me any more bc Kabuki bit the tech. Which was a lie. We all laughed bc Kabuki turned and try to grab her bust. The tech didn't say she was in pain, or needed to go to ER. My husband replied to him and basically told him to go to hell. That he didn't care for my animals that are dying. I had already decided that if they sent animal control, I would take him to be put to sleep. I wouldn't have allowed for them to quarantine him for days, or put to sleep themselves.

Your girl had too many incidents. She needed to go peacefully. She must've felt your love at that moment.
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mamajlo
I have found a new vet and I hope you have as well.  She is amazing.  We spoke briefly when I took the cat in about the dog and she agreed w/old age and aggression.  When I took her in to go, the vet was HORRIBLE.  (Not the new one, I took to our past vet she had only been once b/c we moved.)  They made us wait outside almost 30 minutes until they had an empty room.  They were unsure and as much as I was unsure I told them everything I had tried to find her a loving home and then I was worried someone would use her for bait b/c probably to old to fight a real dog fight.  She also agreed but she indeed felt bad about it.  However when they first took her out to start her port.  I heard laughing from the back room laughing from the front waiting area while I'm in literal hysterics.  They were supposed to have lit a candle and asked everyone to be quiet, I'm assuming they did not.  She came in and said she cannot undo this am I sure.  I wish to God I had said no I'm not sure, let me take my drunk baby home (from the first meds they gave her).  She kept trying to crawl to me her wee tail would wag a bit.  Jesus God I feel I failed her immensely.  I know I did this b/c of her past mistakes, we thought we had something good going but it seems every so often something happens and I don't truly fear she would harm us but I don't know.  Sad thing is now I resent the cat.  We've only had him since the very weekend in February that she attacked my friends dog, got the day before.  Ugh.  I'm heart broken and grief ridden.  I think I made the right choice.  I don't know if I will ever recover from the doubt though.  

Thank you for chatting and seeing it from an outsider, I do believe if I saw someone else's given so many chances and it kept happening....
It's just that her health and other habits seemed like they were improving.  You should have seen the last few days we were all with her non stop, her happiness her activeness, the kisses.  Ugh.  Crushed.
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