JaspersMom
Hello everyone. I haven't been here for awhile, as wonderful and healing of a site as this is, sometimes you have to just step away, for just a bit, and it has been over two years since I lost the little love and light of my life, Jasper. I found some pictures of my sweet boy the other day when he was just a kitten, what a wonderful but bittersweet find it was. I started taking pictures of these photos with my phone, and Jasper's eyes seemed to just jump right through the lens, and look into my very soul. I began thinking and pondering about what had happened in the two weeks before he became so very sick. I truly do believe now that he knew that he was going to leave me and this world, and he must have felt this in his very being, and so he started saying goodbye before our actual separation.

Jasper was always very sweet and affectionate, but in the two weeks before I lost him, he became even more so. There was just something quite different about him, he was eating well and drinking well, but his whole demeanor had changed, and I had no idea why. He seemed to make eye contact with me so much more, he would take those beautiful emerald green eyes of his and look right into my eyes, as though he was trying to tell me something. Many times, I would be reading or on the computer, and I would look up, and there would be those amazing eyes just gazing up at me ... he knew.

I remember one morning, I was so very tired and completely worn out from working so much, so I just lay back on the bed, and there he was, he had jumped up and laid on my chest, and our breathing seemed to coincide in the same rhythm, and he started purring ever so sweetly, and he did not take his eyes off of me for the longest time, maybe, just maybe, he was taking a picture in his dear little heart, because he knew that we would soon be saying such a sad and unexpected goodbye. We always had such a beautiful and special connection, but this was different, this was so touching, so precious, and so surreal.
,
I have very often heard that our little ones do know when they are about to take their journey across the bridge, I just wish I had known. Grief is exhausting, just look at me, over two years down the road and my tears still fall like rain. You seem to be doing so well and then all of a sudden, you are taken back to that very last day. "Love knows not it's own depth, until the hour of separation." I know my Jasper knew he was leaving, if only I had known my sweet baby was saying goodbye to me. I miss him so much, my life could be measured in the before and after, how I wish I could turn back time and be in the before. I suppose we all wish that, the joy they bring into our lives is like no other, and the pain we feel when they leave is unbelievable and cannot be put into mere words.  

I miss you so much my sweet baby, and I am sending lots of love and light clear across the rainbow to you, catch it, hold it, and never let it go, you know I will never ever let you go. Wait for me Jasper, and just know that every day that passes by, brings me one day closer to you.  





Pamela Lynne Crawford
Quote 0 0
CKMP
JaspersMom
This is absolutely beautiful and heartwarming while the tears fall.
Wishing you all the best through this journey.
Quote 0 0
Beaglemomma
Oh my.  Talk about tears falling.  You should write a book my dear.  My Molly crossed the bridge last Thanksgiving and I am still sobbing daily.  You are so right about that last day hitting you like it does.  I will never be the same.  So many reminders.  I still can't look at her photo album.  My husband put together a video that he finds comforting so without thinking I sat down to watch it.  OMG. I saw maybe 2 SECONDS of it and I had a total meltdown and was a wreck for days.  Her beautiful face just does me in. I used to kiss her so much we joked that she should have been called "The Sponge".  When I post a picture here, I look at the size, but not really at her sweet face, I just can't take it. 

I am wishing all of us, who are gaining some distance from the event that forever changed our lives, PEACE and the assurance that we will surely see our sweet babies again, just not soon enough it seems.

My heart goes out to everyone who finds themselves a member of this community that we never wanted to be a part of.  Know that you are not alone.
Head.JPG 
janice
Quote 0 0
Ell99
der jaspers mum. i am so sorry to read of the loss of your beautiful jasper. another beautiful/sad story of  losing our best friend. this is a hard road- i must be honest. this forum has helped me to know i am not alone. you have come to the right place. elle xx
Quote 0 0
Bailey15
I was so sad to read your story of Jasper - so beautifully written. I do understand what you mean about feeling okay and thinking that you are doing well and then something brings back such a strong memory and you are right back to feeling that aching sense of loss. I also believe that we will see our dear friends again.
Hugs, MJ
Quote 0 0
lizzie_252
JasperMom, thank you for writing so beautifully about your beloved Jasper.  I too feel now, after six weeks of her passing, that my little Zizi was trying to tell me that she would be leaving soon.  In the week before her getting sick, she had become more affectionate and followed me around more then usually.  Even if it was becoming difficult for her to climb the stairs, she would come upstairs to sleep near my bed, something she never did during her fourteen years with me. She was always sleeping downstairs and would just come upstairs to wake me up in the morning.

I regret  now that I did not pay more attention to these signs and did not spend more time with her.  I noticed she was more lethargic and slept almost all the time but attributed this to her just getting older.

I miss her very much and I hope I will see her at the Rainbow bridge one year.

Liz
Zizi mom
Quote 0 0
Mistysmama
Jaspersmom, what you just wrote was so beautiful. It made tears come into my eyes.

I think they do know. It's what I call the "Song of Forever". My Misty sang it too....once in deep winter, just before Christmas, as we sat together listening to classical music, and months before I knew there was anything at all wrong.
Then about a month before she passed, there was a morning when we woke together, and I sensed some special 'grace'. I cannot describe it properly, but all was so very well, and incredibly beautiful. And it made no rational sense. I shrugged it off, though wondered what it was. At the time I had no idea she was literally dying from Hemangiosarcoma.
And even when I knew, at the end there was a strange grace and peace, not of this World, which seemed to surround us.
I honestly think their Souls have an arrangement with ours, through Love. They don't come to us by accident.
Hold the love like a little light. It is all you have, or will ever have, to find your way home.

Misty's Blog..a Dogfight with Cancer http://www.mistysblog69.blogspot.co.uk

Misty's life after death: http://www.dog2spirit.com
Quote 0 0
mybaby1robert
Peace to you friend.  We are full of loss and sorrow and we have the experience of the best of grief.  Our love for these wonderful creatures is a treasure and our grief for the loss is the soul holding on to them.  They are ours forever.  I hold on everyday and bless the day God gave me Robert for a while to love.  A little longer would have been ok.

Roberts Mom
Quote 0 0
elliemeewiz
I'm so sorry for your loss of jasper, he was an angel.. I often wonder too what they know.. I'm not sure if wiz knew or not. It is only about 7 weeks almost for me.. I can hardly believe I  have to get through the rest of my life without him.. he was my rock. 
My beloved sweet Tess August 1999 - February 21 2001
My beloved loyal Byron March 1998 - April 28 2008
My sweet beloved girlie Angelina April 2001- September 2012
Me & my sweet beloved Wizberry forever 1998- April 21, 2016
My sweet beloved Snow Goddess Sybil girlie April 2001- May 11,2018
Quote 0 0
Kathleen
I am so sorry for your loss JaspersMom.  I lost my 14 year old dog Taffy about a week ago, and yes she definitely knew she was leaving me, I however, could not accept it at the time.  She passed away in my arms with me talking to her and petting her and begging her not to go.  I need so much to believe she is waiting for me over the bridge.
Donna Greg
Quote 0 0
Brodiesma
Jaspersmom,
What a beautiful post that was (I am now in tears for the 5th time today).  Jasper was an absolute little angel and I feel your pain and hope that you get the comfort from all your friends on this forum that I have gotten.

I had a very unusual experience with my Brodie ... now that I look back on it, I know he too was telling me he had to go.

Brodie was 18 and had been suffering with Canine Dementia for about a year.  He would have "spells" and just when I thought 'this is it', he would rally.  This was 12 months of an excruciating emotional roller coaster for me, and I devoted every hour of the day to his comfort, love and happiness.

As a bit of a back story to what happened exactly one week (to the very hour) that Brodie passed:
The only person Brodie loved as much as me was his Grampaw.   The day after my Dad died in 2003, Brodie was sitting on the bed and he looked at me and I said "Where is your Grampaw?"....this was something I used to say to him all the time and it would result in him madly dashing to the front door, barking like a mad fool.  This time, however, he simply raised his head and looked directly up at the ceiling...and didn't budge...just stared there as if he could see something (someone?)

I have had several very incredible experiences of my Dad connecting with me since he died so whenever Brodie would have a "spell" I would ask my Dad to somehow help Brodie cause I was so afraid of losing him.  Not once or twice, but literally dozens of times, whenever I would ask, within hours Brodie would snap out of his spell.  It was beyond coincidence. 

So on that night, exactly 1 week before I lost my baby boy, I was putting him out to pee at 2am.  It was a horrendous thunderstorm that night and rather than put him out in the backyard on the wet grass I let him out through the garage to the driveway as there was a little overhang there to shield him from the rain. 

Brodie had been less and less "aware" and "responsive" recently, usually just kind out staring into space and looking somewhat confused. 

However, when he came back into the garage he stopped dead in his tracks and stared up at the corner of the ceiling.  I stopped dead too.  He then proceeded to follow something with his eyes and moved his head slowly from the left corner of the ceiling right along to the right corner.  It was as if he was gazing at something that was moving along the ceiling.  He then turned around and stared right into my eyes, totally focussed and alert (something he hadn't done in months).  He had an expression on his face that I can only describe as resolve and concern.  Kind of like, "Mommy I have to tell you something, but it's going to upset you".  I had a chill run through my body and I said softly "Do you see Grampaw?  Do you have to go?"  He continued to look right into my eyes as if trying to communicate a message....and I knew.

Well, over the next week things started to decline rapidly.  The day before I lost him, I was laying with him and crying as I could just feel that he wasn't going to rebound this time.  He was curled up in his bed breathing fast and shallow, but he opened his eyes and deliberately and ever so softly, put his paw right in my hand.  It was such a human gesture, I fell to pieces.

It's been 3 months and I am still haunted by those last days and frankly, I'm starting to think I always will be.  In my case, time does not seem to be healing, but I truly hope that it does for you.

In the meantime, be kind to yourself and know that we all feel your pain.
Every tear is a prayer.
Quote 0 0
ahartofilis
Jasper's Mom,
          Time can often bring us a sense of clarity that once eluded us. Our grievous journey has been long and painful indeed. You lost your beautiful 'Sailor Kitty' too young dear Lady and how I understand the angst this brings. Yet through the tears of grief, months go by, more tears and then this deeper insight.
           Your baby Jasper coming to you with those beautiful emerald eyes to penetrate your heart and soul. How I feel for you. Your message is beautiful and sad yet he came to you to remind you of those last days and why he just had to gaze into your eyes and savor every minute left with you.
           I feel that our beloveds do know on some level that they must leave this earthly life. It brings to mind how often I would look into Coco's eyes those last few weeks. There was that typical Lab sadness but also something more. She had had enough of the pain and the life here which brought it. Perhaps it is a little bit different for me because I knew that her days were numbered. My grief had already begun before she left. Yet it was nothing compared to how I was to feel without her.
              Your precious boy is planted firmly in your heart and soul. You were and will always be his wonderful, loving Mom and he is so very fortunate to have you. This reality is not all there is in life. I have faith in the 'things unseen' and I know that one day you will be reunited with your 'Sailor Kitty'. He was making sure to memorize every detail of your face!....................Please take care and many hugs to you.............Sincerely, Andrea.
Quote 0 0
GunnersMama
I'm so sorry for your physical loss of Jasper. There is a lady named Brent Atwater that is very good and had talked about this subject. She has a Facebook page and videos on YouTube that might help. Just know that your baby is always with you.
Quote 0 0
JaspersMom
Hi Jasper,
It's mommy. I was just reading over some posts that I had previously written to you, and this one struck a chord and so resonated with me. You were always so sweet and affectionate, but in the two weeks preceding our sad goodbye, you were even more so. I would often look away from what I was doing, and be met with your gaze, those beautiful eyes of yours filled with such spirit. I miss you so much my little one, the years may come and go, but you have never left my heart. I will never forget that morning when I lay down on the bed and was totally exhausted and not feeling well at all, how you jumped right up and lay on my chest, and our breathing synchronized into one, and all of a sudden, I felt so much better, and you gave me the strength, and the courage to continue on.

I sure could use some strength and courage right about now, with your little sister PT so sick. She does seem to be hanging in there, and thanks be to God, we had Christmas together, bittersweet of course, but I am still so thankful for every single day. I suppose it is all perspective, after I lost you my sweet boy, what I would have given to have you back for even one more day. Now with PT, every single day is a gift and I am so grateful. I do think you knew that you were going to make your journey across the bridge long before I did. I only wish I knew that you were saying goodbye. You are so dear to my heart my little one, keep watching over us, I can still feel you so close. I am so thankful you came into my life, even for just a little while, and I am so thankful you chose me ... love you to the rainbow and back.
Pamela Lynne Crawford
Quote 0 0