Jacqui

This is probably the 2nd post I've ever made here.


I had a sad moment yesterday. I felt it start early, and I couldn't pull myself out of bed until the middle of the day. When it got close to the evening, I figured I'd distract myself and get into the room we used for storage. We were planning on moving into a new rental home soon, and I figured I'd repack some things, organize them better since my boyfriend did most of the packing last time since he worked from home and I didn't.

I found a frame I hadn’t seen before, but I think I remember my boyfriend saying someone gave it to him. I think it was my mom. 
It said “I love my rescue” on it.
I never got to put a picture in it. 
I mean, I’m sure I could have used it in the future, but that was for her. That was a frame bought for Sawyer. 

I ended up standing at the trash can for a while and I realized it was one of those "now or never" moments. I dropped it in there as fast as I could. I saw a plastic bag from the grocery store still sitting on the counter and I ran for it, threw open the cabinet door and I grabbed everything I could that had been sitting in there since September. Flea and tick medication, heartguard, her steroids and antibiotics from when she started to become noticeably off, her fluid meds for her tummy. Pumpkin digestion treats, her favorite apple treats, her hip and joint treats we got when we thought it was originally her knees that were the cause. I tied off the bag, stuffed it into the trash and ran into the bathroom. 
I cried. I hadn't done that for a while.

I kept her toys I had in there, though. Some toys I can’t give up. 
There’s more good memories in those.

I still haven’t gotten her a nice urn or memory box. 
She’s still in the white plastic one they sent her back in. 
She deserves better, but I’m just afraid that when I pick one it won’t be good enough. 

I'm just still a little lost. 

I'm just still in shock how there are abusive, sick people out there that don't deserve to have a pet that have been able to keep their animal longer than I have.

11 months. That's all I had. 

11 months, for a dog that was maybe 2 years old. I just wanted a bit more time.

I miss her, so bad. 

 

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Bellas_mom
Jacqui, I am so sorry for your loss.  Your baby is so cute.  I too lost a little one too soon.  My kitty Bella was just 3 years old.  

Parting with things that brought them joy and helped take care of them is not easy.  It's another reminder that they are no longer with us. It's too bad that you threw the frame out.  You could have still used it as a memorial to Sawyer.  I have both my babies in special frames that I will never get rid of.  I think we all go through the pain of deciding that to do with everything.  I donated her medication back to her vet to give to someone that couldn't afford medication for their little one, although I did keep one of her empty pills bottles.  Bella was always so thoughtful and helpful, this seemed to be the right decision.  I donated some things to the shelter, but kept her favorite toys.  I also foster so many of her things will be used for kittens, and many things I had before Bella came her but there are some items I bought just for her.  I did put a few things away which I will take out again when kittens come, but I still have her basket of toys and a few other things in my living room.  I can't imagine what the room would look like without them.

We all grieve differently.  Some people need to keep things while others feel they need to get rid of things because they are too painful to keep.  You need to follow your heart and do what you feel is best, although decisions are never easy to make. 

I'm sure you will find an urn or box when you are ready.  Something will pop out and your heart will tell you it's the right one.  I don't think that any one would be a wrong decision.  Follow your heart.

Whether a little one has a full life or a short one, the pain is the same and goes just as deep.  We miss them just as much and are heart is breaking as much.  I too wish Bella would have had more time and wish she were still here.  It just doesn't seem fair.

I hope you can find peace with the memories you have of Sawyer.  It's all we have.

hugs
Bella's mom


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camunki
Jacqui, i am so sorry for the loss of your Sawyer, and especially at such a young age...that seems to hurt even more. I too, lost my Dakota at only 4 1/2 y/o many years back and feel she was jilted on life.  Please know that you threw away things, cuz that is how you were feeling at the time....and please know that down the road take the time to pick up a nice urn for your Sawyer, look at different ones and take your time. My Munki passed away on Dec 3rd 2015 and I am still in the process of finding her a good urn, I want a particular style, etc...for now she is resting next to my Daizy (who also passed away last year)......and the pics you posted of Sawyer are beautiful....maybe get a nice picture frame and hang them up when/if you feel comfy. Please know you are not alone...

Cam


 
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Ell99
dear jacqui - sawyer is so beautiful. im so so sorry for your loss. yes its just so unfair. sending you big hugs ( im also grieving ) but on this forum i also feel for everyone and i do feel your pain.  elle x
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lilsam1208
I'm so sorry Jacqui. She is a beautiful baby and she looks so sweet. We lost our Sammy just a few days ago and I know exactly how hard it is to find their things in the house. It's heart wrenching. I have thrown some things away already and I did exactly as you did, burying things in the trash and feeling like I would be overcome by the heartbreak of it. I'm sending you big hugs. Hubby and I feel your pain. You're not alone in this.
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LUCYLULU
Oh Jacqui~  I am so sorry for you-- especially for losing Sawyer so young. What a beautiful girl. It's always their eyes. She has such soulful, deep set dark chocolate/expresso brown eyes. I so wish you had more time. But for those short 11 months, you gave Sawyer all of the love that she never had before.

You're right about how evil, abusive people. Many times they live long lives and have dogs that sadly live out their long lives tied to a metal chain next to a tree. Ugh.

I wish I knew how to comfort you. Your heart told you it might be time to remove some of Sawyer's things/medicines. They can be reminders of the difficult end of her time with you. Hopefully, you will be able to recall the happier times in your much too short 11 months. You shared a lifelong bond. Sawyer is with you always & forever.  Extra hugs, Kasey
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Beaglemomma
We ALL do this at different times.  For me I had to do it right away, the memories of looking at her things was just overwhelming for me.  Not that I could EVER forget my Molly, but had to do it fast.  No right or wrong.  Molly came back to me in a "plastic box" too and I flipped.  Not good enough for my girl.  Never thought they would even do that, I wasn't given a choice.  Made my husband go to the mortuary and they had a nice selection of lovely wooden boxes and they took care of transferring her for us.  NOT A SMALL THING and you are right, nothing is good enough, but a choice must be made.  I still can't look at her photo album.  Just too painful.

I am so sorry that you are going through this impossibly hard time.  Please know that here you are among friends and we all understand.  Take care and maybe talking more on this wonderful web site might help you some.
Capture.JPG 
janice
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winstonsmom12
Jaqui  I am so very sorry for the loss of Saywer.  We all know the awful pain of losing one we love more than life itself.  I kept all od my Winstons things, even his food.  Time lessens our grief.  But there is still a huge hole in our hearts.  Best of luck  Sue
Susan
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elliemeewiz
I'm so sorry for your loss of Sawyer, she was so beautiful. It takes a long time to come to terms with the loss of a loved one if we ever do completely. I haven't thrown out anything of Wiz' or my other babies for the most part. Unless it was something soiled etc. I put away his medical treatment things the first day because it was too painful to look at them. Some I will give away soon to the dvm prolly or they will expire. You don't have to throw things out. You can keep some things and remember her that way too. Some of the beds and toys I have I had when I first got Tess years ago. I still have a little basket she loved to curl up in when she was a kitten. 
My beloved sweet Tess August 1999 - February 21 2001
My beloved loyal Byron March 1998 - April 28 2008
My sweet beloved girlie Angelina April 2001- September 2012
Me & my sweet beloved Wizberry forever 1998- April 21, 2016
My sweet beloved Snow Goddess Sybil girlie April 2001- May 11,2018
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Jacqui

I was trying to hold off on responding for a while. When I was typing my post out, I started getting kind of upset and I knew that if I came back too soon I wouldn't be able to say much. 
So, I'm here now. Thank you all for your support. 

@Bellas_mom: Losing a little one so early hurts, I'm sorry she was so young. At the time, I felt throwing out the frame was the right decision, and even now I feel comfortable making that move. I saw that frame more of a gift while she was alive, that we never used, and using it now just didn't feel right. I plan on eventually getting an urn that has built in frames, so that way I can use is as a display and a home. The medication was months old, and I finally got myself to do something about it. There was no doubt that all the pills were expired, or close to it. But for future reference, thanks for letting me know, I had no idea that was even an option. I couldn't donate the beds that I had, as for had many accidents while going through her pain. We of course washed them every time, but we didn't really feel comfortable donating constantly soiled bedding. As for the rest of her toys, I did temporarily watch my friends dogs and I offered her the remaining toys I was willing to part with. We do plan on getting another dog in the distant future, so we have kept some things like crates just in case. Thank you so much for your kind words, and I agree, memories are all we have. 

@camunki: Thank you. It makes me a bit more comfortable that I'm not alone in my confusion and stress of finding my girl a nice urn and resting place. I hope you find one that connects with you best. You're in my thoughts. Thank you. 

@Ell99: Thank you. She was (and to me, still is) a beautiful pup. She had such a shiny coast to be proud of. Hugs to you to, as well. <3

@lilsam1208: I'm so sorry you've had to experience a loss, especially so recently. I really appreciate you giving me words of comfort in your time of grief. As I mentioned earlier, I still haven't come to feel sorry about the things I did choose to throw away. I believe I made the right choice, and I hope you find you did as well. I'm sending thoughts to you and your hubby. 

@LUCYLULU: She made the most expressive, goofiest, and sincere faces I've ever seen a real animal make. It was like you could talk to her just with her expressions, and you just knew how she felt. The beginning was hard, I'll admit. I wasn't used to young dogs and I was so nervous trying to house train her, and she was so nervous because I was nervous and it was such a goofy frustrating cycle but we all did it and we started our routines and we were a...calmer family. Haha. I sometimes get sad knowing that she didn't come immediately to a house with a private backyard, but we gave her several walks every day and we played fetch and rested outside in the large areas of grass besides the condo and I believe she still had a good time. Thank you so much. 

@Beaglemomma: There were certain things we had to do immediately. We tossed her beds (they had been soiled and washed too many times to feel comfortable about donating them), we broke down her crate, and we put all her toys in a bin and put them into the storage room. We talked about it on the 2 hour drive home from the animal hospital (only one with an MRI), and we didn't waste time cause we knew it had to be done. Everything else was a bit...harder...because they weren't things out in the open. They were all in a cabinet and we'd just get brief glimpses. I felt it was just...time. I imagine the plastic box was only because of how big the hospital was (at a university) and that was just the standard considering how many...well...clients they see. My friends family got a nice ornate box, but it came from a small town vet. The one thing that was very nice was that they also send a clay paw print mold, which we thought was kind fo funny since we tried to do that for an ornament that Christmas before and it wasn't working. I have a collection of pictures also, and unfortunately some social media (like Facebook) tends to show you memories of past postings, so I get to see a picture of her show up every now and then without preparation. But sometimes I do find myself looking through her photos and laughing at all the goofy faces she's make. I hope you can find some peace and I hope you'll  be able to open that album again. Your beagle baby, Molly, has such a sweet face. I'm sure she was an absolutely lovely girl.
@winstonsmom12: I'm so sorry for your loss. Time does help, but sometimes time takes longer than we expect. Thank you so much, and my thoughts are with you of sweet Winston. 

@elliemeewiz: There are some things I do have. I kept her first chewy bone among other toys that survived the chewing and the shredding during her playing. Beds I had to remove, but crates I kept for the future. Her collars I kept as well. I have both the one we bought her and the one we adopted her with. I plan to make a shadow box when I'm ready (and maybe after we move one more time. It's a bit easier to be in this house, as we had just moved into this rental the August before she got sick. We only had a month in this house, and (although I hate to say this word here) luckily we didn't have any memories here. There were no spots or places that we associated with her yet, so it made it a bit easier to go about our day, although the overall memories of her were what made it hard. Thank you for your thoughts. <3

Here is the card and pawprint we has received (and weren't expecting) when she came home:
[image] 


And still one of my favorite expressions she's ever made. She looks like a cartoon character.
 [image] 

Wow that was a lot of typing. Thank you again everybody. I appreciate the time you took out of your day to send me thoughts and wishes. <3 Your families (both human, furry, scaley, and all of those in between) are all in my thoughts as well. 

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jimmy17
Jacqui, I am so, so sorry for your loss.  How unfair that you had such a short time with your beautiful Sawyer - she should have had a long and wonderful life with you.  I wish I could wave a magic wand and bring all our babies back to us,  but just know that you gave Sawyer a lovely life, you can tell just by looking at her photos that she was so contented.  It is 6 months since we lost our dog Jim, and although I still cry most days I am just thankful that he came to share our life.  I still have all of his things, but each time I go to sort them out, I keep putting it off.  With hindsight, I think it would have been better to have given them away earlier - but one of these days I will find the strength to do it.

                                                                 Wishing you peace,  Jackie
J Taylor
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camunki
Jacqui, that was nice of the vets to give you the paw print and the card. When I received mine from the vets, i hung the card up for i think 3 months, it just helped me heal, then I put it in all of my pets "Memorial box"..........with the paw print, i painted the "nail tips" the color of my dogs coating and put a glaze over the front and back to keep it looking shiny and new. And i am so glad you are getting alot of responses to your initial post as I am sure it helps a bit with the healing process and your beautiful Sawyer.

Cam


 
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dkinney
Jaqui,
I'm so sorry about your sweet Sawyer. She is beautiful. We lost our sweet Corgi, Jenny, back in January. I still haven't found the strength to throw away her dog food. It has been sitting in the large plastic dog food container since she passed. I also still have her treats, heartworm medication and even some ice cream in the refrigerator she hadn't finished. Maybe I will be able to throw it all out soon. I guess it makes a person feel like they're throwing out their pet or something. Every time I start to I just feel like it's still a part of her. We aren't supposed to "get over" losing a pet. I believe they are in our hearts and they will always be a part of us. I also believe we will see them again. Take care Jaqui. Please know you aren't the only one going through this. We feel your pain. God bless. (((HUG)))
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elliemeewiz
I'm glad you kept some of her things.. I wish I had more of my furbabies stuff.. a shadow box is a great idea- I'm going to do that too. I have been doing memorial paving stones and other stepping stones. I'm not well and right now someone has torn the roof apart and they're hammering away- really awful for me and Syb and Wiz' spirit if he's here. It was unexpected. That picture is adorable <3 I wish I had paw prints too.. I don't think they even did that when many of my furbabies passed.. wish I had it for angie and wiz at least, but we always took them home and no one mentioned it.. 
My beloved sweet Tess August 1999 - February 21 2001
My beloved loyal Byron March 1998 - April 28 2008
My sweet beloved girlie Angelina April 2001- September 2012
Me & my sweet beloved Wizberry forever 1998- April 21, 2016
My sweet beloved Snow Goddess Sybil girlie April 2001- May 11,2018
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