Cassies_mom1
I've been hanging around this site since my Cassie died.  Back in April. I always feel such comfort when I read everyone's post.  I know I am not alone.  
My little sweetie came to me 15yrs ago. I thought it was a baby crying it turned out to be a tiny kitten, her eyes weren't even open.  I took her to the vet and they said they didn't have the man power to keep her alive.  They would have to just put her down.  I just couldn't have that happen the poor little thing hadn't even had a chance at life so I took her home put her in a box with a heating pad next to my bed and bottle fed her every 2hrs.
I usually was not a patient person but from day one there was nothing I wouldn't do for my Cassie.  As she grew older we developed a very close bond. She would bite anyone who got to close to her except me.  I was the only one she wouldn't bite. She loved me so much, just as much as I loved her. As she continued to get older I could tell she wanted to cuddle with me but she didn't know how. She would jump on the couch next to me and I would gently nudge her to my lap.  While still standing on my lap she would just bury her head in my stomach.  I would gently stretch her legs up to my chest and hold her. After months she started to lay like a baby with her little head and paws over my shoulders.  We would go through this routine everyday sometimes 4times a day until she got comfortable crawling up to my shoulders. By doing all this with her I thought I was helping her.  I never realized she was teaching me how to love also. I never realized I was opening my heart to a point of such raw unconditional love. 
She was always so healthy. When you get a cat that young and watch it grow threw all of their stages. I guess I started to think she would be with me forever.  I had 2 other cats that in their elder years they came down with diabetes and died within 1yr. Cassie was the last one I had left. She seemed so healthy. One day she had blood in her feces. I immediately took her to the vet. They said she had no infection and she would be fine.  I use to tell Cassie I wanted her to say with me for quite a few more years.  That I loved her so much.  Sometimes I would imagine her gone and I would just start crying and I would just shake myself back to reality and say " she is fine, I'm just letting my imagination go to the dark side"  It really scared me to think of life without my Cassie.  
2 months after that visit to the vet when they said she was fine.  It took about 1 week for me to realize something was very wrong with Cassie.  It was 2 in the morning and I could hear her throwing up.  I jumped out of bed to find her throwing up green stuff (bile) my poor Cassie hadn't been eating good for about 4dys. So I knew that green stuff was bad.  I rushed her into emergency she was moaning all the way.  They took x-rays and did blood tests.  I was so shocked when they told me she had cancer in her kidneys.  One of them was twice the size that it should be and it was pressed up against her stomach preventing her from eating.  They told me they could prescribe steroids they might give her some relief and an appetite enhancer but they would not be able to save her.  That she might have a week left.
I was so grateful I still had her for a week but she was not the same Cassie anymore.  She was in pain and she tried climbing on me for me to hold her and love on her the way we did for years and I would hold her and try to hold back the tears because I knew I only had DAYS left with her. It broke my heart to see my baby lay around so lifeless and there was nothing I could do. She always love to sleep with me.  She would snuggle up right next to my thigh and during her last days she tried jumping up on the bed and didn't have enough strength.  I heard her fall on the floor.  I jumped up and picked her up and she cuddled next to me. All the time my mind kept telling me these were my last days with her.  The next morning I woke up and she was at the foot of my bed moaning. I knew I could not let her suffer anymore.  The pills weren't working anymore.  I took her to the vet and told them to put her down.  My husband and I drove around for 8hrs after we put her down and when we finally got home and got ready for bed as I was stepping into my bed in my mind I could hear my Cassie's meow very loud over and over and over.  She sounded scared and she wanted me to help her.  I felt she on the other side of an invisible wall. I felt so helpless and I just started talking to her telling her everything is alright, I'm right here, just go to sleep. I just got into my bed and cried. I have read all kinds of things on this site and that our sweet fur babies spirits will try to contact us. I truly believe that. I have felt Cassie snuggle up to me in bed so many times.  I just talk to her and tell her I know she is there and I love and miss her too.  Another thing I have heard here is that sometimes we come across the "Love of our lives" I truly believe that about Cassie she will always have a piece of my heart that no other fur baby will ever have. All I have of my Cassie are her pictures, ashes and hair clippings. I do wish I had something way more tangible
but I guess that impossible.
Mama misses you Cassie.  I will love you forever. Thankyou for showing me how to love.    

             
Beatrice Eaton
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pannklaus
That is a beautiful tribute to Cassie and how she taught you to love as she was loving you.  As you know, once we open our hearts to a precious fur baby we are making ourselves vulnerable to the intense grief that occurs when we lose them.  I agree that Cassie will always have a special piece of your heart.  My Lenny will always have a special place with me even though I also will always love the other fur babies I have had in my life.  Since you have been in this group for awhile, you know the intense grief and various tragedies that so many people are dealing with. No one ever wishes to join this group but it is a comfort to know that others are experiencing the same things and we are not alone.
Patsy
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Cassies_mom1
Hello Patsy,
Thank you for your message. I am so grateful for the beautiful lessons I have learned in my life because of having Cassie in my life.  I have since gotten a new cat and she is young and precious.  I love just looking at her in amazement. Her beautiful little personality.  I did forget one day that she was not Cassie and I swiftly picked her up and tried to place her on my shoulder and my little Maggie freaked out.  I couldn't believe I did that.  this is a new relationship I have with Maggie and I just try to give her the space and love to just be herself.  I still love and think of Cassie everyday.  I have a picture of her along with her hair clippings and I talk to her everyday.  I kiss her picture every night when I go to bed.
Thank you again for reaching out to me.  I am so grateful for this site.  Grief is so accepted here. I can cry and hang on to my Cassie's memory as long or as hard as I want to. 
I know you loved your Lenny dearly.  I wish you happiness. 

Bea

Beatrice Eaton
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