Its so hard, and I, too, never imagined how devastating it would be to lose a pet. I put my sweet baby Beowulf, a 9 year old bullmastiff, to sleep on 4/24 due to congestive heart failure caused by cancer, and at times, it’s surreal and at others it finally registers that he’s gone which gives me a panicky feeling. I have flashbacks of how he’d look around our house...like in the spot his bed using to be, I picture him curled on it. At times, I close my eyes, and the imagine of him laying there dead on the floor of our vets office flash through my mind. The overwhelming grief comes and goes although it’s not an all consuming pain now. I still can’t sleep though; sometimes I’m up for days at a time.
Surreal, shockingly surreal. As if you’re walking around in another dimension of the world you used to know. Like everything has froze in time and you’re on the outside looking inside a place you don’t belong. Like everything is more “ wrong “ than it ever has been. Like surely this HAS to be something that can’t really happen, because, you don’t know how to make it through, if, it, really, did.
My world, for weeks
But the first several weeks were the worst by far
There is now, after almost 19 wks, an internal acknowledgement that yes, it was time for her to leave me. I still cry every night, and like you, struggle with sleep. And I have a hard time with the last living image of her, the last movement of her body.
But I do feel her presence, sometimes soo strongly. I would do almost anything to actually bury my head in her neck though, and kiss her big beautiful face, every inch of it. She was amazing and I will always be the mommy that bottle fed her from birth, the luckiest of all
Lynn, Tankie’s mom, forever