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I_Will_Love_You_Forever

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Reply with quote  #16 

Hello My Little One,

I have been missing you so much today. I miss you running down the stairs with your squeaky that was as long as you and you would run so fast without letting go of it. I want to see you again and do that again. I missed you this morning. I thought you would come popping out of the blanket and then roll on your back. You weren't there. You don't know how hard today was without you. I've been crying all day. Since I woke up. It's doesn't seem real that you are not here. You were meant to live a long time. I never thought I would lose you so young and so soon. We didn't have enough time together. I'm glad I spent 24/7 with you and your brothers. I had that much more time to be with you, but it will never be enough because you are gone. 

Please come back to me. I want you here. I'm sorry for what happened. I don't why. It was a bad mistake. I had so many plans for you and your brothers. Your birthday is coming up. I got a birthday wish for you from Petco and I broke down in tears. 

This just can't be possible. It has to be a bad dream that hasn't gone away yet. I hope I can wake up one day and you will be there again and I will realize this really was a bad dream.  It's not possible going through the day without you. It was always the 3 of you, a little pack. You were the leader. You were such a great leader. I learned a lot from you. I learned how much love a little dog like you could give. You gave me more love than any other human. Your unconditional love could fill all the oceans and seas on the Earth. 

I am really sad these days without you. It's so unfair. I don't know why your little life was taken. I think sometimes I did something wrong and now I have to pay for it. But why did you have to pay? You never did anything to anyone. You're a cute humble little dog who never asked for much. You were happy playing with your toys and giving all us affection. I miss that. 

I want to you remember I love you always. You are a special little man to me. Your love meant everything. I can't help to feel sad that I am missing you. If I keep this up, my health will fail and I will be joining you. I know you want me to be happy. I have to be honest. I can't be my happiest as long as you are not here with us. 

I'm thinking about all the time. I wish I could see you again. I want you here. I struggle without you. I am lost. 

Please know I will never forget you. You are with me always. I will never let go of you. 
Mom is in tears. I am going to let you rest. I love you so much it's immeasurable. 

I Love You forever and ever,

Mom

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I_Will_Love_You_Forever

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Reply with quote  #17 
My Baby,

I want you back more than anything I've ever wanted. Please come back to me. I can't bear it without you. It gets harder everyday. Your mom is in dire pain not having you here.

I'm not accepting that you're really gone. I'm reminded of you morning, noon, and night. I'm hurting bad. I need you here.

I love you my sweet little baby,

Mom
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Benis_mom

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Reply with quote  #18 
I'm so sorry you have to go through this.  I was riddled with confusing just like you are.  It felt like someone ripped the most precious thing in my life out of my hands.  How could that happen?  I've lost a lot of weight, too.  And I couldn't sleep.  I was so scared to wake up in the morning and realize Beni was dead like it was just happening for the first time.


A couple of my other dogs have suffered. One stopped eating, lost a bunch of weight, and is shaking and scared when she is typically a calm dog.  She is Beni's daughter. She watched her mom and worried about her the whole time she was sick and having her gone was horrible for her.  I've been watching her dwindle away and our other dog, who is the same age as Beni and grew up with her, he also is suffering.  He doesn't eat much, mopes around, and is getting gray hair on his face.  


I realized that if I didn't pull myself together, more bad could come to me.   So, I focused on trying to sleep.  I was sleeping only two or three hours a night because I forced myself to stay away until I just passed out. I was afraid to wake up and go into an immediate distress realizing that Beni died.  So, I decided to try to go to sleep thinking about Beni so when I woke up, I would remember she was not with us. My first night sleep of 2 hours, I woke ok. It hurt, but it wasn't like a truck plowing over me because I did remember she was gone and didn't have to figure it out the hard way.  The next night, I thought about her again, and after a couple of hours of sleep, I woke calmly again.  The third night, I actually slept all night!  I was still heart broken in the morning, but my body felt a ton better as did my mind.  I've been sleeping through the night for 4 nights now. It's remarkable how much better I feel.  I still cry every day, sometimes for hours, but I am getting around and functioning again.  


I started cooking again 4 days ago. The two dogs who were so heart broken came in the kitchen with me to watch and got tastes.  I ate and while I did, I gave them food off of my plate.  They never get food off my plate so it was a big treat and really cheered them up. I've taken them for walks and played with them and they are feeling better.  The girl who wouldn't eat is eating full doggy meals now and even gained 1/2 pound already!


You asked about Beni's death but I can’t talk about it. It is very painful to me and I struggle with the decisions I made.  I will tell you that we didn't know she was ill until she collapsed.  She was a happy, energetic dog. When she collapsed, we took her to the hospital emergency.  It was 58 days after the day she collapsed when she died.  In that time, she had to go to the hospital five times and stay with strangers who did painful procedures on her to try to cure her. We believed them in their confidence every time they told us they found the cure. But every time the tests and treatments caused her so much pain and every time their cures failed. I wish she could have gone quickly, in peace and without pain.


It is so hard to not blame myself.  Like you, I see how all the decisions I made contributed to her death and I try to work it out in my head why this happened to my precious innocent baby.  Like you I am overwhelmed with guilt and blame.  My husband is also. He still cries so deeply for her. He also struggles with the guilt.  Tour husband must feel horrible, too.


But we thought about this:  Beni loved us dearly and she trusted us.  She knew our hearts and knew we were doing everything we could to save her.  She knew we love her deeply and how very important she is to us.  She wasn't ready to go and neither were we ready to let her go.  And we realized that the decisions we made were always for her healing and if we made other decisions she still wouldn’t have made it. We made the best decision we could with the information we had. Just like you did.  We questioned the options and were cautious and made decision.  We did our best and even though we actively made decisions that caused this outcome we didn't do anything wrong.  We didn't do anything wrong and so we shouldn’t feel guilty and we shouldn’t blame.


So, my husband and I did speak about the things that happened with the vets; the mistakes they made that caused her to get worse and the injury they caused her. We were angry and heart broken.  We shared our guilt with each other and tried to comfort each other. We had to talk it out with each other to get it out of our heads.  But when we were done, we agreed we wouldn't talk about those things ever again. They did not good to us and only hurt us.  Instead, we are focusing on each other and our other dogs just as Beni would have wanted us to do.


Neither one of us feels like anything has any meaning anymore. My husband has an important job making important decisions at a big corporation. Yet he goes to work each day feeling his job is so irrelevant now that Beni has gone. Yesterday, Sunday, the day we usually relax, we spend the whole day working outside making the dogs yard just perfect. It started out with replacing a sun shade that got torn during a storm on Saturday. That was all we planned to do only because it needed to be done right away.  But it ended up a complete overhaul. We just kept going and going.  At first, I felt sad at because Beni wasn't there with us, and everything I used to do was for her care and comfort, but then we got inspired to do more just like we used to when Beni was with us. It felt good to think about her while we were working and let her memory inspire us in the same way that her companionship once did.


I hope that you and your husband will soon be able to forgive yourselves, too.  You didn’t do anything wrong.  Vets always say how simple dental work is and how routine it is.  I know you didn’t know that vet, but it was a routine appointment so of course you didn’t cancel it or give it another thought.  You didn’t do anything wrong.  You couldn’t have possibly known what would happen. 

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I_Will_Love_You_Forever

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Reply with quote  #19 
I am trying to forgive myself for contributing to my dog passing. I made a horrible mistake and I am living with regret and pain. I try not to blame myself but I can't help think of how lonely and scared my dog may have been and then he lost his life because I let him down. I failed him.
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I_Will_Love_You_Forever

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Reply with quote  #20 
Dear Little Baby,

Mom is so lonely without you. I'm trying to accept you are not here. It's not easy. I am so sorry. I never meant for this at all to happen. You were not supposed to be at that place. I made a big mistake and it cost you your life and I cannot forgive myself. I know if I put some thought into it you would be here. I think about you all day. I never stop thinking about you. I want to bring you back, I want to go back and have a few minutes to pay more attention and you would be here. I know it. It was because I neglected to keep you home. I wanted that. I planned it. So, how did I ever allow you to go there? I'm sorry my baby. I did everything I could for you when you were here. Always on top of your heart worm test and meds, flea and tick, gave you the best food, never overfed you, never table food, made you clothes, bought you sweaters and jackets, bathed you with your favorite coconut oatmeal bath, washed your bedding regularly, kept your drippy eyes clear, held you, and loved you so, so much. 

I love you so much. I want you here with your funny antics. I want you here with your craziness. I miss the fun you brought to this home. It's been too quiet. The fun is gone. I hope wherever you are you are healthy and having fun, if there is such a place. It's hard for me to believe sometimes there is a place when I know you are in a box. 

I don't how I failed. It's like a mystery. I can't figure it out. I don't feel like you are really gone. Sometimes I think you will come running down the stairs and peek your little head through the railing. Sometimes I think you will pop your head out from under the blanket in the morning. Then I really know you're not here. I'm having trouble accepting that. I just want one chance to fix it. I need one chance. Only a couple of minutes will do. This entire situation from the start to when I lost you was totally unnecessary, there was no substantial reason. It was elective. That's why I know you could be here. You were not in need of surgery or had a life-threatening emergency. This was voluntary that's why I don't understand why it went that far. It was supposed to be called off.  

My sweet little one, I wish I could bring you back. I love you so much. I hope you knew that and know that now. I find it hard to sleep and eat since you are gone. I don't have much enthusiasm for anything. It's not the same without you peeking your head around the corner to give me that cute little look of yours. It's not the same without you following me everywhere I would go. I look for you, but you are not there.

I love you always and I will never forget you. 
Please forgive me.

Love, 
Mom


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I_Will_Love_You_Forever

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Reply with quote  #21 
April 20, 2019

Today is my little Porter's birthday.

Today would have also been my little Parker's birthday. 
 
I always loved celebrating the shared birthday of these two wonderful Chihuahua-Beagle brothers. Parker's favorite gift was always a squeaky. Oh how he loved his squeaky toy as long as he could play with it before his bigger brother Leroy the Beagle, the squeaky hog, would take it away. That wouldn't last long for Leroy.  We would make sure Parker got back his birthday present. Leroy already got his own squeaky a couple of months before on his birthday, but he liked the challenge of grabbing Parker's new toy. Porter doesn't play with toys. He is happy just sitting by the window where he is everyday now. He watches everything and everyone.
 
I loved watching Parker and Leroy play tug of war with the new squeaky and other squeaky toys. As with all squeaky toys, eventually the squeaker would come out or stop squeaking and then their mom (me) would sew in a new squeaker. 
 
I have made sure that two of Parker's favorite squeaky toys are going to be preserved. Leroy won't be missing these two, he has enough of his own. So I am saving his duck and crocodile. Both of these still squeak. Parker was a small dog. He wasn't able to chew on them hard enough to break the squeaker, which is a nice thing. 
 
I will cherish these two toys in remembrance of him. I sure miss that little guy. I wish he was here for his 7th birthday. I want to hold and hug him again. It's not the same without him. Nothing's been the same. I wish this awful thing never happened. 
 
Parker, wherever you are, Happy Birthday, love Mom
I Love You
I miss you
xxxx oooo
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I_Will_Love_You_Forever

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Reply with quote  #22 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Benis_mom
I'm so sorry you have to go through this.  I was riddled with confusing just like you are.  It felt like someone ripped the most precious thing in my life out of my hands.  How could that happen?  I've lost a lot of weight, too.  And I couldn't sleep.  I was so scared to wake up in the morning and realize Beni was dead like it was just happening for the first time.

A couple of my other dogs have suffered. One stopped eating, lost a bunch of weight, and is shaking and scared when she is typically a calm dog.  She is Beni's daughter. She watched her mom and worried about her the whole time she was sick and having her gone was horrible for her.  I've been watching her dwindle away and our other dog, who is the same age as Beni and grew up with her, he also is suffering.  He doesn't eat much, mopes around, and is getting gray hair on his face.  

I realized that if I didn't pull myself together, more bad could come to me.   So, I focused on trying to sleep.  I was sleeping only two or three hours a night because I forced myself to stay away until I just passed out. I was afraid to wake up and go into an immediate distress realizing that Beni died.  So, I decided to try to go to sleep thinking about Beni so when I woke up, I would remember she was not with us. My first night sleep of 2 hours, I woke ok. It hurt, but it wasn't like a truck plowing over me because I did remember she was gone and didn't have to figure it out the hard way.  The next night, I thought about her again, and after a couple of hours of sleep, I woke calmly again.  The third night, I actually slept all night!  I was still heart broken in the morning, but my body felt a ton better as did my mind.  I've been sleeping through the night for 4 nights now. It's remarkable how much better I feel.  I still cry every day, sometimes for hours, but I am getting around and functioning again.  

I started cooking again 4 days ago. The two dogs who were so heart broken came in the kitchen with me to watch and got tastes.  I ate and while I did, I gave them food off of my plate.  They never get food off my plate so it was a big treat and really cheered them up. I've taken them for walks and played with them and they are feeling better.  The girl who wouldn't eat is eating full doggy meals now and even gained 1/2 pound already!

You asked about Beni's death but I can’t talk about it. It is very painful to me and I struggle with the decisions I made.  I will tell you that we didn't know she was ill until she collapsed.  She was a happy, energetic dog. When she collapsed, we took her to the hospital emergency.  It was 58 days after the day she collapsed when she died.  In that time, she had to go to the hospital five times and stay with strangers who did painful procedures on her to try to cure her. We believed them in their confidence every time they told us they found the cure. But every time the tests and treatments caused her so much pain and every time their cures failed. I wish she could have gone quickly, in peace and without pain.

It is so hard to not blame myself.  Like you, I see how all the decisions I made contributed to her death and I try to work it out in my head why this happened to my precious innocent baby.  Like you I am overwhelmed with guilt and blame.  My husband is also. He still cries so deeply for her. He also struggles with the guilt.  Tour husband must feel horrible, too.

But we thought about this:  Beni loved us dearly and she trusted us.  She knew our hearts and knew we were doing everything we could to save her.  She knew we love her deeply and how very important she is to us.  She wasn't ready to go and neither were we ready to let her go.  And we realized that the decisions we made were always for her healing and if we made other decisions she still wouldn’t have made it. We made the best decision we could with the information we had. Just like you did.  We questioned the options and were cautious and made decision.  We did our best and even though we actively made decisions that caused this outcome we didn't do anything wrong.  We didn't do anything wrong and so we shouldn’t feel guilty and we shouldn’t blame.

So, my husband and I did speak about the things that happened with the vets; the mistakes they made that caused her to get worse and the injury they caused her. We were angry and heart broken.  We shared our guilt with each other and tried to comfort each other. We had to talk it out with each other to get it out of our heads.  But when we were done, we agreed we wouldn't talk about those things ever again. They did not good to us and only hurt us.  Instead, we are focusing on each other and our other dogs just as Beni would have wanted us to do.

Neither one of us feels like anything has any meaning anymore. My husband has an important job making important decisions at a big corporation. Yet he goes to work each day feeling his job is so irrelevant now that Beni has gone. Yesterday, Sunday, the day we usually relax, we spend the whole day working outside making the dogs yard just perfect. It started out with replacing a sun shade that got torn during a storm on Saturday. That was all we planned to do only because it needed to be done right away.  But it ended up a complete overhaul. We just kept going and going.  At first, I felt sad at because Beni wasn't there with us, and everything I used to do was for her care and comfort, but then we got inspired to do more just like we used to when Beni was with us. It felt good to think about her while we were working and let her memory inspire us in the same way that her companionship once did.

I hope that you and your husband will soon be able to forgive yourselves, too.  You didn’t do anything wrong.  Vets always say how simple dental work is and how routine it is.  I know you didn’t know that vet, but it was a routine appointment so of course you didn’t cancel it or give it another thought.  You didn’t do anything wrong.  You couldn’t have possibly known what would happen.



Hi Beni's mom,

It sounds great that you can move forward. I barely cook and it's been almost 4 months. I think it's great that you and your husband communicate so well, and that your husband can show you comfort and support. My husband is not like that. He doesn't show his feelings. I had to ask him to understand what I am going through and that I need his support because I am doing this alone. We have no children.  We have our 2 other dogs. Yes, it is very hard not to blame ourselves. I know for sure that if I had kept my dog (Parker) home that day and called it off, he would be here. I personally had no plan to do that dental and I didn't feel comfortable with that office. I wanted to return to our first vet. My guilt has not gone away. I have only been sleeping better for the last week. I went over 3 months with too much or  too little sleep. Not enough food. I'm still not back cooking or back to a daily routine. This has hit me like I was hit by a bus. I have so many regrets.  It was such an easy fix and Parker would be here. I just had to say no. You read my posts. I don't know what happened. My husband was okay bringing him there because he initiated the appt. He felt comfortable with the dental. I had bad, bad feelings from the beginning and yet I somehow slipped up and he went and never came home. You're right, it's supposed to be routine. I don't get it with that vet. I was told he didn't do everything possible to save my dog and keep him breathing.

Anyway, there are things we can't control and we make decisions we think are right at the time. It's what I did not do that I live with. I did not keep him home. I have some bitterness with my husband since he set it up. He doesn't feel guilty at all. I am riddled with guilt and regret, and I miss that little boy so, so much. I find it hard to stay downstairs because it reminds me of him and I want to look for him and then I get upset with myself for letting him to there. This vet couldn't save my dog?  He took his time to call with the bad news.  My dog was frightened and petrified which he wrote in notes, so what kind of vet doesn't call the owner to tell them their dog is in panic mode? Any caring vet would ask me if I wanted him home or to continue. My dog went into cardiac.  Yeah, of course, if he's scared to death it makes sense. My dog was only 6 and he was healthy. That vet had nothing to say to me. Never gave me an explanation and didn't apologize.  There were many missing important details, and laws he broke. I found out too late they lied and withheld info from us before the cleaning.  I'm hoping by tomorrow I will finally finish the state complaint and get that out. Next will be court. Then comes the bad reviews everywhere I can. I want to get justice for Parker. This vet has turned my world upside down and has ripped out a part of me. I will be writing him a letter and let him know how sneaky they were and how he has changed my life. Parker was the pack leader so his absence is very obvious.  I am now seeing a grief counselor with my husband to help me release my guilt and ease my sorrow. 

I'm glad to hear you are working on memories of Beni and thinking of the good times although you mentioned you feel like there's not much meaning anymore in anything. I feel like that, too. I'm kind of just floating here. I don't feel grounded like I was before this.I have no routine anymore. I do think of Parker all day long. I'm early retired so I'm home a lot and it's hard to not be reminded. I still have his brother, they were very close. 

Thank you for sending your thoughts and letting me know how you are doing. I hope we all can easily move forward. I wish you good memories of Beni. 



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I_Will_Love_You_Forever

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Reply with quote  #23 
I miss you Parker. It's over 4 months now. It's been tough for me. I find it hard to understand why and how this happened. Trusting a professional isn't always a guarantee as I am learning in a gut-wrenching way.  I think about you all the time.  You were always the leader. I was one of your followers. I hope you are happy where you are. I want you to know that I am missing you.


To My Dear Little Parker,

Would you know my name

If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?
I'll find my way through night and day

Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees
Time can break your heart, have you begging please, begging please

Beyond the door there's peace I'm sure
And I know there'll be no more tears in heaven

I Love You and I miss you,
Mom


(some verses omitted) Songwriters: Eric Patrick Clapton / Will Jennings
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I_Will_Love_You_Forever

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Reply with quote  #24 
My Dear Little Parker, My Baby,

I want you to be happy wherever you are.  I'm thinking of you every day. I miss seeing you at the top of the stairs staring down at me, waiting to be by my side. I miss seeing you running down the stairs on 3 legs with one of your back legs up in the air. I could never figure out how you and your brother did that. 

Every morning I think I'm going to see you jumping out from under your blanket. Then I remember you are not here.  I try to go through the day being strong. When it's time to eat I think I'm going to see you jumping up to bite your brother's ear and his leg doing your crazy thing as usual. Then I don't see you here. When I take your brothers out, I think you will be running up to me, the first one to be ready to go. I don't see you there. At night when I tuck in your brothers and kiss them goodnight, I go to look for you to give you a kiss, too.  You are not there.  The sadness sets in every time I think I will see you and you are not there.

Your absence is very noticeable at home. You were always the leader. First to be ready for everything. I never had to call you and wait for you. You were always there like a soldier saluting his captain. You were always there when I needed comfort. You would give me your little loving kisses and if you could I know you would have wrapped your little arms around me. Instead I would wrap my arms around you and hug you, my little boy. 

I wish you could have talked. Then we could have discussed your visit to that place and you probably would have said to me, "Please Mom, I don't want to go. I'm afraid. I'm scared. Please don't let me go there. Please Mom." I would have listened, and you would have saved your own life. You would be your own hero. I wish I was your hero. I'm sorry I let you down. I didn't hear your voice. Maybe you were telling me, and I didn't know. I should have been your voice. I was supposed to protect you. It hurts me that I feel I failed you. 

I want you here where you belong. You belong with your best friends, your brothers. I let them take you away from them. All I ever wanted was to take care of you the best I could so you could live a long life. You deserved to live your life. You loved living. Everything made you happy. You didn't ask for much. You gave more than you asked for. I wish I could see and hold you again. I miss you so much. 

I am sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry. 

I Love You,
Mom
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I_Will_Love_You_Forever

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Reply with quote  #25 
Dear Parker, 

Mom is still feeling very sad about losing you. There are times I can't stop crying. I am trying to be strong like you always were. Things are not the same without you. Your brothers spend their time looking out the window. I know you would be everywhere I went. Your mom is not eating well. I don't have a routine anymore since you are gone. A routine seems out of place. You were part of my routine. You would have liked it the other day. It was sunny and perfect for you to sunbathe on the deck. I missed seeing you out there. I wish I could make this better and be like it was before. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to forget you and overlooked my intuition which was telling me it was all wrong. I didn't pay attention. You were gone just like that. For no reason. For a voluntary procedure that you didn't even need. I can't make it right again. I want to see you again. I want you here to cuddle. I need you here. You were our leader. There's no more fun without you. It doesn't seem the same. You belong here. I feel so responsible that I had choices and all I had to do was say NO and you would have stayed home that day. I had no plans to have you go back there. 

Please remember that I love you forever. Please forgive me. I don't know what happened. I wasn't paying attention. Oh how I wish I had. I wonder how I could let this happen. I never wanted it in the first place. Forgive me if I failed you.  You know I always took very good care of you and your brothers. Never missing your heart worm or tick meds. Always made sure you were up to date with your vaccines and rabies. I always fed you one of the best foods with the best ingredients. One of the reasons why you were so healthy and full of endless energy. I hope wherever you are it's a place I can come see you when my time is up. No one knows for sure if there is a place. That makes me sad that there may not be one.

I'm sorry my little boy. Your mom loves you so much. I'm crying every day for over 4 months. I get nothing done. It's like I am standing still and not moving. 

I miss you and love you forever and ever,

Your Mom
xxxx oooo
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I_Will_Love_You_Forever

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Reply with quote  #26 
Hi Parker, My Little Baby,

I'm missing you so much it hurts. I'm still crying that you are not here. I wish we could be together again. I look for you all the time just because I want to see you here. I want to tuck you in at night. I want to walk you around the yard and let you run around without your leash. You never strayed. You always stay close to the house. Last summer the three of you sneaked out of the house because your mom or dad left the door partially open. You were the only one to not stray. You came running up to your dad to show what good little boy you were and to let us know your brothers were away from the house. It's like you were telling us you didn't mean to leave the house and you were sorry. We found your two brothers down by the corner sniffing and smelling everything. It was so good of you to let us know you all left the house. If you didn't come to us we wouldn't have known any of you were missing until we went in the house later on. You saved your brothers again. The time before that when you saved them was when that huge Rottweiler charged at all of us and you took off barking at that dog and chased it away. You were our hero.

You will always be my hero. I love you so much. I miss you every day. We all miss you.


I wish I could hug you and hold you.  I love you forever. 

Your Mom
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I_Will_Love_You_Forever

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Reply with quote  #27 
My Little Parker,

Today was another hard day without you.  Mom couldn't get it together.  I cried most of the day.  I keep thinking how unfair this was to you.  I know you would have never wanted to go there if you could speak. I should have been your voice.  I wish I could turn back time.  

Please give me a sign in a dream or something. I need a message from you that you are not disappointed in me.  I keep your brothers close to me. I watch over them, but not as good as you did.  I saved your favorite squeaky toys.  I will make sure they stay the way you left them.  I am so sorry.  Please come to me in a dream.  I need you to show me you are not mad at me. 

I love you so much it's hard to sleep sometimes because I think of you.  I wish you were here with us.  It's so unfair what happened to you.  I need to know you are okay wherever you are.

Please be happy as you always were. Such a happy little boy.  I keep hoping this is just a bad dream. I need a good dream, one with you in it. I want to see you happy.

Mom thinks of you everyday. It's not hard to think of you.  I miss your craziness and unique personality.  You cannot be replaced.  Please baby, let me know how you are. I'm missing you.

I LOVE YOU FOREVER AND EVER,

MOM
XXXX OOOO
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I_Will_Love_You_Forever

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Reply with quote  #28 

My Dear Little Peanut Parker,

I remember the first time I met you. I was fostering for the dog rescue. I had just adopted your Beagle brother, Leroy from them a few weeks earlier. They told me there would be 2 little boy puppies who had just been neutered. That was you and your brother Porter.  Wow, you were both so small. You were in a crate and needing to be watched as you awoke from the sedation and to be taken care of until you were adopted.

You and Porter were brought in the house and it was quiet when you both arrived. We wanted your stay to be very comfortable. I checked on you both periodically to make sure you were okay.  We were upstairs and we heard screaming and crying. It was very loud. We couldn’t believe it could be one of you, or both. Such little dogs and such a loud cry.  I went downstairs and you were still groggy. It was your brother, Porter who was crying. He must have been so scared, just waking in a strange place. I thought we should bring you upstairs so you could rest a little more. Porter can have a loud and screechy cry. After all, you were both Chihuahua-Beagles.

It suddenly got very quiet downstairs. From screaming and howling to silence.

I went downstairs to check. It was quiet. Porter was not in the crate. It was locked. I couldn’t figure out where he went.  I looked under the blankets, he was not there. Then I thought, was he in that crate when I went back upstairs?  Yes, he was in the crate, so where was he?

Now it became a mystery.  I couldn’t figure out how a dog could get out of a locked crate.  I looked around and didn’t see him.  Then I walked a little farther. I almost passed him by.  Where was Porter?  He was rolled up in a ball in my laundry basket, cuddled under the clothes.  It was so cute!  He was so small, maybe 9 or 10 lbs the most.  Here he was cuddled in the laundry basket. But wait!  How did he get in there with the crate shut closed?  Your Dad said he didn’t put him there. It was a mystery for almost a day. We took him upstairs with you, Parker, who had woken up and you both cuddled together and went to sleep. Leroy was close by. Leroy had new friends! New brothers!  Well, not officially, but at least temporarily. 

The next day we looked at the crate and to our surprise, there was one small metal bar on the side that was missing. It didn’t seem like Porter could get through that small spot.  There were no other bars missing. How do you like that?  Porter was so small, like a Houdini, he squeezed through that small opening on the crate.

When we were upstairs with the two of you after you recovered, you were the 2 cutest dogs I’ve ever had.  So close with each other and almost pocket size at that time.  We kept taking care of you. You both became friends with Leroy. He was lonely before you were here.  Parker, you and your brother played and played, you wrestled with each other and it was all in fun and love. Then Parker you soon became close with Leroy. Oh, how you 2 would play together. Leroy is a sweetheart. He was so much bigger than you, but he never let his strength take over, he never wanted to hurt you. He let you win many times.

A month went by and the rescue asked me what I was doing with the 2 of you. They had people asking about you. I asked your Dad. He wasn’t ready for 3 dogs. He thought having company for Leroy was a good idea, but 3 was over his limit.  I was concerned if I gave up both of you or one of you, that you may wind up in a bad house where people could misunderstand you, have less patience, and may abuse you. I could not let that happen. I had to keep both of you. I knew I could make this the best home for you and the 3 of you would never be lonely.

I explained to Dad that I didn’t want to split you up. You brothers were very close. You were so young and you were both all you knew.  I convinced him that 2 of you was like 1 of Leroy, so It was like having 2 dogs.  I said how much I loved you both and how hysterically funny Porter was going in and out of the laundry basket ever since the first night. I couldn’t let either of you go. I loved you both. He finally said it was okay and you both could stay!  I was so elated.

My family. Big brother Leroy and his 2 little brothers, Parker and Porter. What a team you made. So much fun for all of you together.  It was the start of a beautiful brotherhood and family for us.  Adopting you Parker, and your brothers Porter and Leroy was the happiest time of my life. You all made me very happy.

I remember your brother Porter, aka Little Houdini, frequently making the laundry basket a cuddling place.  I remember when you and Leroy hit it off and how you both played as if you knew each other since birth. What a perfect friendship!

As the years went by, we faced some hardships. Your brother Porter at 10 lbs, was savagely attacked on our property by a 110 lb dog who jumped the decking from the neighbor’s house across the street. That morning Dad was walking Porter on our property when this happened. This dog came out of nowhere. Your Dad swiftly picked up Porter in his arms, but that dog wanted Porter. He grabbed Dad’s arm and Porter with his mouth and would not let go.  I could hear Dad yelling. I came running out and he handed me bloody Porter with 3 large holes on his side and holes on the top of him. He was in shock.  

We rushed your brother to our favorite vet, your “pediatric” vet who neutered you. It was his day off, but he happened to be in the office. What a stroke of luck. I don’t know where else we could have gone. He cancelled his outside plans to save Porter’s life, putting tubes in the 3 big holes where he could fit 2 of his fingers in each.  For the next month we had to flush him with medicine.  I didn’t know if we were going to lose him.  Parker, you were so gentle with your brother. You groomed him and kissed him and cuddled with him to make him feel loved and not alone. You were such a loving, beautiful dog who showed so much care when it was needed.  It was your love Parker, that helped your brother Porter heal.

A year or so later, Leroy got sick with gastroenteritis. We thought we might lose him. While he was being treated, Parker, you did nothing less than make him feel good and happy. You knew he was not well and stayed by his side. You groomed him and made him feel so loved.  You cuddled next to him so he would know you cared. Leroy didn’t need his medicine anymore.  It was your love Parker, that made Leroy well again.

Over the years I watched you and you brothers grow a little more and become much closer. For a while you and your brother Porter, would wrestle and play. I had so many videos of you 2 and it was so cute. So lovable. Never any intent by either of you to hurt the other. Always a kiss from you afterward.  You and Leroy became great friends. I remember the times you sat on the floor next to the sofa while Leroy looked down and you would jump up, with your little head and bite his ears. Teasing him and getting him to howl. This would go for at least an hour. Then you would jump up on and off the sofa as if you were doing tricks on a skateboard. Leroy would try to catch you and you would quickly jump off, but then back on again, a tug on his ear and his leg, and you were back on the floor. Leroy could have kicked your butt if he wanted. He didn’t. He loved your playfulness. It was your sign of love to him. So many times over the years I watched you 2 play like that. When it was time for dinner, you’d grab his ear and/or leg and the craziness began. Then Porter would come behind Leroy to join in the fun and jump on him.  Poor Leroy, he would get teased from both of you, but he loved it. Sometimes I would take my time to feed you guys, just to enjoy watching this craziness.  It was all for love.  Everything you did was for love. This playfulness between the 3 of you never ended. You were like puppies who never grew up.  It wasn’t that long ago when you were all playing like this. You played like this up until the day we lost you.

There were times you and Leroy chased each other around the house and in the basement. You had the advantage of being small, you could slip under the table, under the gym equipment, able to hide from Leroy. After the play was over, there you were again, kissing Leroy, showing your affection as you did every single day of your short life.

Then there were the times you and Leroy fought over a squeaky toy. Leroy, the squeaky hog would always win. I told him many times to let you keep it. He had so many of his own, but he enjoyed the challenge taking it from you. All the times we were all resting in the living room. Your brothers lying down. Mom and Dad watching TV. There you were, with your endless energy, wanting to play. Kicking out your little back feet, jumping forward with your front feet, trying to get someone to play. You wanted to play all the time. You were a very happy dog. Never tired. Always upbeat. Up for anything.

I remember years back when you weighed a little less and you were very spry, you would jump from the floor onto the stove and counter top. One time we found you in the sink!  You, a small little dog with amazing energy to jump that high.  How many times did we find you on the table, the tall pub style table?  How about the time we came home and the 3 of you ran from the kitchen?  We knew something was up.  I put a box of cereal on the counter. I think this is the first time you jumped up there. The giveaway was the inner plastic bag on the floor.  Not one morsel in it or on the floor.  You must have been the one who jumped up, knocked it down, and the 3 of you had a feast.  That was the only explanation.

How about when we were out one day, and we let you guys run loose around the house?  You jumped on my nightstand and then on top of my dresser.  Your nails scratched the tops.  It seemed important then. Now I cherish those scratches. I’m glad I couldn’t get them out. They will stay with me forever as long as I have this bedroom set.  My little boy, I remember you every time I see them. A reminder of my super dog.  We didn’t want you to hurt yourself by jumping so high or maybe burn yourself if you landed on the stove again, so we put up locking gates.

What a wonderful brother you were. Always there, always caring for them.  Always loving them and giving them comfort.  I don’t remember you ever getting sick except the time you got an IM vaccine and you were in pain. You were always a healthy dog.  You were unselfish.  You gave yourself to your brothers when they needed someone. You proved to be a terrific friend, brother, and son to us. Your affection and love for us, your Mom and Dad, was just as strong as it was for your brothers. You sincerely loved all of us. You REALLY loved all of us.  I knew then and I still know now, what a wonderful giving brother and son you were. That’s why I took so many pictures of you when you were kissing us all. 

Parker, you never asked for much. You loved finding a small crumb on the floor, it was a highlight of your day. It didn’t take much to make you happy. I’d see you peeking around the wall while I cooked, not only to watch me, but to see if you could catch a tiny crumb or morsel.

Oh, Parker, how smart and sharp you were. On the way back from walking you in the yard, you would tug me and pull me toward the driveway pavement.  I didn’t think of that, but you did. The grass would be wet from rain or with snow and ice, and you walked me to the dry area.  So smart of you. I didn’t even think of that.

I have always thought of you like this. I always knew what a special dog you were. I wanted to spend more time with you, until you were old and gray.  I wanted to be there with you if the day would come when you would need love and comfort from your brothers.  When they could give it back to you.

One day, we were walking all 3 of you and a huge Rottweiler, at least 110 lbs. charged at all of us. We were scrambling to get the 3 of you away and make sure the dog would not hurt any of you or chase us. Porter and Leroy were barking. There were only 2 of us trying to keep the 3 of you calm to get away.  You got loose from your harness. I panicked, thinking you may get hit by a car. What did you do?  You barked and barked as loud as your tiny 13 lb. body could and then you chased away that Rottweiler!  You chased it till it ran with its tail between its legs.  My little hero.  You were our hero that day. Something I never saw you do and something I will never forget.

It was just last summer when the 3 of you somehow got out of the house. One of us left the door ajar. You, only you, stayed on the property. My honest little Parker. You came up to your Dad to let him know you were out and I know you were giving him the message that your brothers were not around.  I believe you were trying to talk to us.  Because of your warning, we were able to find your 2 brothers down by the corner and get them safely home.  If it wasn’t for you, I don’t know if either of your brothers could have gotten hit by a car. You came to us right away. Another time you were our hero. I am going to miss those times. 

Every day is empty in this house without you. The pack leader, affectionate and loving brother, the fun-loving, happy little boy. My sweet little peanut.

My angel.  You were taken way too soon.  On Christmas Eve, one of the worst days to lose you.  Holidays will never be the same.  Every day I feel I miss you more and more. I can’t explain my little baby, why this happened. I don’t know myself. I do know it should have never happened. Every day is a struggle without you.  Now I am facing the hardest time of my life.  

Parker, how will we manage without your love?  Your love that healed, that soothed, and made us whole again. Your tender love that filled our entire home.  Parker, we need you here now for Porter.  He needs your love. We need you to watch over your brother Porter who is being treated for pancreatitis.  He needs your love and kisses. You always made it right.

Please always remember that I love you and never meant for you to be harmed. I did everything possible to protect you since you were a pup.

I miss you so much.  I can’t change what happened. Oh, how I want to, but I can’t. It is very unfair. Your life was taken from you.  You were not sick. You were very healthy and very young, only 6 years old.  So unfair. 

I want to see you again at the Rainbow Bridge, if there is one. I hope there is.  I am counting on it.  I want to be reunited with you again, My Little Baby, My Peanut Parker.

I LOVE YOU FOREVER,

MOM

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I_Will_Love_You_Forever

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Reply with quote  #29 

My Sweet Little Parker,

I wake up every morning with a pain in my gut knowing I will not see you.  Your brothers wake up with vigor and energy.  I think I am going to see you and you're not there. No matter how sunny or nice of a day, it doesn't feel like the sun is shining.  The light you shined has been darkened here.  I look forward to going to sleep at night. It's the only peace I get.  When I awake in the morning, the dread of you being gone starts all over again.  I just don't understand.  I don't know why you are gone. It doesn't make sense. You were not sick. You were taken away. 

My Little Angel, I want you to be here. I get upset with myself knowing I had choices.  Why didn't I keep you home that day?  Everything would be normal.  I am not the same anymore. I am missing a part of me and inside I feel numb. I am upset with myself.  I could have you here. I did a bad thing. I had a premonition something could go wrong there. I question myself every day what I was thinking.  I am still not pleased with your Dad since he had the idea and he brought you there.  Things between us are shaky.  It's not the same as before you were gone. 

I wish I could have my old self back and things at home were like they were. That would only be possible if this never happened or if I awoke and you were here again.  I know that's not possible. That's what hurts so much. I feel like I will never see you again.  I didn't keep you safe, though throughout your short life, I tried so hard. I looked ahead about things that could go wrong and I kept you from harm so many times. Why did I fail this time?  I need to protect you.  I am so sorry. Sorry is not enough.  Please do not be angry with me. As you always did,  please give me your unconditional love.  I may be asking for a lot because I failed you.  I don't know what to say anymore.  Know that I am broken-hearted and grief-stricken for over 5 months and it doesn't seem to get better. 

It all seems wrong that you are gone and I am missing you.  This should not be happening.  Remember that I always loved you.  My days seem to drag on without you. I feel lost without you. You were the energy in this home, the pack leader, the spirit, the laughter, and the shining light that gave all of us hope and filled us with passion.

My Little Baby, I Love You forever and eternally.  I hope there is a time we can be together again.  I'm not sure if that exists, but I sure do hope it does.

I LOVE YOU MY LITTLE ONE, FOREVER AND EVER,

Your Mom

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I_Will_Love_You_Forever

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Reply with quote  #30 

To My Sweet Peanut,

Today was a cold and rainy day. I tried very hard not to cry because I don’t know if it can make you upset. I don’t want you to feel bad for your Mom. I feel bad enough about what happened. I still try to understand Parker, why I let you go there.  You were so frightened. I knew that. Please don’t be upset with me. I think you will find it in your big heart to know your Mom would never let anyone harm you on purpose.

I’m taking very good care of your brothers. I don’t want them to be because I know they miss you.  They don’t know where you are. I know for sure they want you here, as much as I do. I’m so very sorry my little boy. I am crying now. Thinking of you makes me happy, but also sad since you are not with us.

Yesterday something happened. I don’t remember a time when Leroy had drippy eyes, but Leroy had drippy eyes for some reason.  You were the one who always had that.  You had no health issues. That was the only thing you ever had. I shared my eye drops with you. You were always such a good sport to let me give you the drops before bedtime. You were smart enough to know they made you feel better. I used the same drops for Leroy. His eyes were cleared up today.  I wondered if he had the drippy eyes because you were here, coming through him. I hope that was you.

Was that you, Parker?  Please give me a sign. I need to know if it’s true thats your spirit could be here with me. 

I miss you so, so much.  I wish I could bring you back. So many times, I don’t believe any of this is true, that you are not here. My Little Peanut, what has happened to you is so unfair. I still don’t understand. You were not meant to be gone this soon. You were so young and so full of life.

I miss taking you for walks. I miss hearing your little bark and howl. I miss you cuddling next to me and showering me with your kisses.  I miss seeing you at the top the stairs when you would be the first to put yourself to bed. I miss tucking you in at night and giving you a kiss goodnight. I miss everything.

Always remember that I Love You and I will never stop. I miss you every single day.

I Love You always My Little Peanut.

Love, Mom

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