Catawampus
I lost my little kitty girl 3 months ago but the pain endures. I thought I was getting better after crying for weeks on end but the other day the tears started flowing again. It feels as bad or worse than the days following her passing. I don't know what to do. I'm so riddled with guilt and blame, questioning my choices, blaming myself for decisions I made or didn't make. 

She was my constant companion after my divorce. She was with me through that pain and our bond only strengthened. I spent more time with her than any other. I work from home so we were together constantly and we relied on each other, knew that we were each other's world.

But I failed her. I couldn't save her. In the end, after weeks of declining health and vet visits and a final declaration by the vet that she should be euthanized, I made the decision to end her suffering. I told myself after my first kitty died several years ago that I would not let her suffer the same fate, that I would not be so selfish and let her linger like my other kitty. The regret and guilt over that haunted me for years, still plagues me. But now I wonder if I had only let her stay with me a little longer, maybe she would have started eating again. Maybe she would have gained her weight back. Maybe the fluid in her belly would have gone away on its own. Maybe.

The tears don't seem to stop. The hollow pit in my stomach and the emptiness in my chest only seem to get larger. When I try to imagine my life without her I break down and sob. I want her back so desperately. I want to hold her and kiss her and tell her how much I love her. How sorry I am for the times I raised my voice and lost patience with her. I want so much to have just another day with her. 

I find myself lately petting the air where she often laid, imagining she's still there. Last night I slept with her urn and a photo of her next to me. The loss and grief are unbearable. How can I possibly do this without her? She was more important to me than anyone else in my life. I just miss her so much. Hard to see the words on the screen through the tears now. 

Thank you for reading.

John

My precious baby...

fiona-2.jpg 


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KimR
John,
You are not alone. I feel exactly as you describe about my cat, Gwen, who died 4 days ago. I had to make the decision to euthanize her after her battle with kidney disease and heart disease. She stopped eating and the vet thought she was starting to get fluid in her lungs.

You could not have restored her good health. The love you shared saved her from an ordinary life. You gave her an extraordinary one.

I wish I could help more. I will just say, hold on. Few people get the gift of love you had. You get to keep it forever and you will again be with your precious baby, never again apart.

Praying for you,
Kim
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LUCYLULU
John~  I am so very sorry. Your girl is so beautiful in the picture. The heart & soul connection is so often in their eyes. Her light green eyes are very special. Somehow...we have all found our way to this forum...thankfully.  Not sure I would have made it this far without this place of empathy, understanding, and sharing with other people who are grieving beyond measure.

I understand the replay. It's been 3 months for me too.  I spent the last 10 days with my girl Lucy and decided to end her pain vs. 1 or 2 long term surgeries with later, uncertain grafting. She was in pain, no quality of life, not eating, etc. I felt that she was letting me know 'it's OK to let me go'. I still try & dial back my decision. Was I too sleep deprived? Was I selfish? She was my constant companion-- just like your girl. On the day I brought Lucy, I almost cancelled. That's the wondering-- just as you describe. Would she have rallied again? Maybe b/c she might try for me. Ugh. Could she have gotten better? No-- but?  Might she have been able to walk or sit again without so much pain? No-- but?  Sorry I am ranting about my own girl.

This is about Catawampus. Hope I have her name correct.  Only sharing my guilt & replay because I/we understand here. It's almost like a movie that keeps playing & replaying in your head. Trying to wrap my mind around this thought::: somewhere-- in our rational brains-- at the moment that we made the decision, we made the loving, realistic choice(s) for our girls because we did not want them to suffer anymore. My friend told me to 'follow your heart-- it knows the way'. May sound kind of trite but I think it's true. You chose for her & not for you. And your vet told you it was time. It's just that afterwards, when we miss them so very much, we wish we could go back & change things-- for one more day-- or two or ten days. 

My wish for you is the same for everyone here. That we can all find more moments of peace & fewer moments of torment. And getting little signs from your beautiful girl can help. Keep an eye out & an open mind to Catawampus coming through~ her spirit letting you know that she is still with you. She will always be with you John because she is part of your heart & soul forever.  Hugs, Kasey


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phalaris14
 Dear John ( never thought I would start a letter with that salutation) It is uncanny how my life mirrors yours. It has been eight weeks today. My Lady was my partner in crime. It was us against the world. From what you are saying... I believe you did the right thing. Any decision based on "true love " is always the best.
  I carry Lady's ashes with me when I go for our walks A year ago I would have thought this insane. Today, it is what helps.   It is doing these things that help  that leads to acceptance.I cannot get my head around the idea of dealing with that which is "no longer." Every time I think about it... I let out a sigh from deep within  and just shake my head from side-to-side. Doesn't compute. So you are not alone in your bewilderment  The loss of such a dear one is hard enough . Don't let your feelings of guilt make it any worse. Hope it helps.
                                Bret

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tinarealtor
I know that pain and only animal lovers can related. People think I'm crazy because I break down just at the mention of my boy's name (he is a Doxie who died this past Saturday). I am grieving him more than I've grieved some humans.....I just miss him so incredibly much and it hurts so badly.
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Catawampus
Thank you all so much for replying. It makes coping with the loss a little easier, knowing there are others who understand the grief (although I wouldn't wish this deep pain on anyone). Today was another bad day. Lots of tears and missing my little girl so much it's hardly bearable. My apartment is so empty without her.

It helps to read your stories that so closely mirror my own. We're all so connected by our losses. We understand each other and I don't feel judged for carrying this grief so deeply and for so long. The sadness helps me feel closer to her. Part of me worries that when the day comes I no longer cry for her, that I will have betrayed her memory. That our bond will no longer be as deep and unfaltering. I realize this is all part of life and loss, but going on without her beside me just doesn't feel right. It feels like a life less lived. She helped define me as a person. She gave my life meaning and purpose. Just not sure how to go ahead without her next to me.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story and offer your condolences and compassion and thoughtfulness. I can't fully express just how much it all means to me.
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jimmy17
I just wish that the word `maybe` didn`t exist.  We had to have our 17 year old dog pts almost 10 weeks ago, and yes, he was a grand old age - he just deteriorated so quickly over a few hours that we had absolutely no choice other than to make that heartbreaking decision. 
 He was our baby - no kids - and life is just so unbearable without him, but even though we made the right call I still find myself thinking of all the `maybe`s`. Did we let him go on too long, should we have delayed the decision, was there anything we missed in the days or even hours leading up to his last day?
  I really think grief and guilt are like 2 sides of the same coin, and what it really all comes down to is that we just want them back with us. I also feel a sense of betrayal when I find myself doing something `normal` - like how can I be doing this when I`ve lost my best friend? I`m just so very glad to have found this site - its helped me more than anything else, including family members.
              Hugs, Jackie.


J Taylor
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JerseyNonna
john, so sorry to hear you lost your best friend.  what you are experiencing is something we all seem to be.  we begin to feel "ok" getting through each day and all of a sudden we're back to crying with an overwhelming feeling of sadness.  these "waves" as i refer to them go from small pond like ripples to huge tsunami waves that hit us and just keeps knocking us over and over almost end over end in grief.  anything can set these episodes off from seeing another pet, thinking of them, heck walking down the dog treat aisle at Walmart nearly always does me in as well as their "service dogs welcome" sign because roxie was my dear service dog for near 7 1/2 years.  we've all felt the guilt that grief brings but if you look into your heart you already know you did the best you could and your friend left knowing how much you loved and love them still.  please john know that she is still with you and has not gone far at all.  the love you two share would never be broken by her passing but look into your heart and you will find that she left her love right there for you to keep feeling as strongly as when she physically was with you.  when roxie passed i thought surely my heart was broken and I've come to realize i was right in one way - when roxie was about to cross the bridge she left her love for me in my heart but took a piece of my heart with my love for her to bond us further together.  i was wrong in thinking my heart was broken because roxie would never do harm to me...she just wanted something of me with her until we meet again when my name is called.  the book "healing pet loss" by Marianne soucy is a wonderful book that helps us understand that our beloved friends don't leave us at all.  i hope this helps and you are in a most wonderful place with the most compassionate humans I've ever met.  many many hugs
JerseyNonna
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Catawampus
Thank you Jackie and JerseyNonna. Being here helps. I've spent the better part of the morning wandering from room to room, alternating crying and feeling empty and desperate for the pain to go away. So much emptiness around me and within me. I keep reliving all the times I should have been a better parent to her. I was wholly devoted to her but I could have done more. The self-doubt is eating at me.

I'm sorry that you're both going through the same grief. It's such a devastating time. The heartbreak is unbearable. The maybes and what ifs haunt me. Just when I think I can't cry any more, more tears come.

Thank you both so much for the thoughtful words and the kindness you've shown amid your own sadness. You don't know how much it's truly appreciated.

John


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Larah
I understand.....I lost my beautiful German Shepherd 2 wks ago.I had her for 12.5yrs.She was my soul.She was there through my divorce,when I adopted my Son by myself with no family around,when my Son who is 4yrs old now had so many health challenges.My dog held all my love.I miss her so much...Prayers for Strength and acceptance that she isn't suffering.

May your pain be lifted as well.

Larah
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Larah
I understand your pain....I just lost my German Shepherd 2wks ago.SHE was my Soul.I had her for 12.5 yrs.My heart understands.
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Catawampus
Hi Larah,

I'm so sorry for your loss. Our companions provide us with such unconditional love and support. They are always there to share our joy and ease our suffering. They ask us for nothing other than our love. We are devoted to them and they to us. Saying goodbye is by far the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. The grief just lingers. I have good days when I think I'm finally getting better and then I'm suddenly hit with the grief all over again that stops me in my tracks.

I hope you can find peace and joy soon, even if only during small moments throughout the day. I wish that for all of us going through such a painful loss.

Take care,

John


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tamtam34037
John, I just lost my cat today after 4 yrs.  I'm hoping it gets better.  
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