Millie18 Show full post »
Millie18
Mill,
I pulled out your class crate to help Virginia place in her car to get a better idea of how much bigger the crate for Winston needs to be and I realized I hadn't touched your nose work crate since July 2018 and it made me sad. I've also been cleaning out closets and shelves and thumbed through the binders I kept for all of you in my office. You only have 1 small binder, Snoopy and Chuck have 1 each and then there were Roman's large binders - 6 of them. I thumbed through her last year's paperwork.  It all hit me at once that Roman was sick a lot and especially during those last months. She clearly wanted to die and there was nothing I could do about it even though I tried so hard. I don't know how many times we were at the vet's after Snoopy left during her last 6 months. In the month leading up to Roman's death, it became clear that she was going down fast. Her depression completely took over until she passed away. Your cancer I know I never would have caught regardless. There were some odd behaviors, but nothing that anyone would have said was connected to cancer.

I keep thinking that I want to make room on that shelf and throw away all of your binders, but I just can't, so I've just rearranged them and tidied them up. I'm thinking one day I will want to go through them to really see what was happening with each one of you.  All in hindsight to relive your lives. Maybe it will help me with that book I still want to write.

I broke down yesterday realizing how much I had kept it together for her for 11 years of ailments and for you during your last 2 months. I'm definitely gun shy about getting another dog, but I look every day at my rescue notifications. I feel myself growing ready. I saw a rottie today that really struck me. She looked close to Roman with a big smooshy face. She had been beaten on a regular basis and locked up in a crate 24 hours a day. She looks terrible, but she felt very familiar. I don't think any of you had been beaten, but just something about her. Luckily she is with a rescue now. I know I could help her but have no income, so I can't do it now. I will keep tabs on her. Please look out for her and please guide me. I need you and Roman to steer me in the right direction.

My next home project will be to create shelves for you all with your ashes and photos. Virginia helped me look for shelves that would fit in the living room. I can't wait to have one designated area for all of you.

I hope you are at peace and are enjoying your new life with all of your favorite foods <3

Your folded up crate, untouched.
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Diana

Mom to Millie, Roman, Snoopy & step sister to O'Boy
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Sil
Diana - Millie's mom,

Millie will guide you, she will know when the "right moment comes" - I really believe that "somehow they send us a fur baby our way, sometimes, when we least expected".  

My beloved Sol "has visited me in my dreams".  And, it is almost the same dream, where "I'm standing and just call his name and out of the blue he appears, and he looks so happy to see me".  The odd part is, I'm in different places/locations and suddenly, I just start calling  - "Sol, Sol and he appears".

We need to believe that our beloved fur babies are "healthy and strong, running and eating all of their fav foods".  Many hugs

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Millie18
Sil,

So sweet of you to stop by 💖

Yes, Millie will send me one. I'm financially not in a position to take a pup in, plus my stepmom is needing more and more help, including a surgery at the end of the month. It's fine that I'm dog free right now and for a while longer.

I check the rescue sites to see what kinds of dogs speak to me. I know I won't be able to do a larger dog as long while I am living alone. I've been helping neighbors and friends with theirs. My neighbor had work done on her house last week and being that Yoda is a very nervous and barky guy he stayed with me for 3 days and he did great. He was so polite, calm and quiet. It was good for both of us. He's just a tiny little thing. It made me aware that I wouldn't want such a tiny, fragile little guy. I'm just too clumsy.

Winston came over a few times to explore whether I could housesit him at my place. It's much more difficult with him because of his animal reactivity and the park across the street plus all of the crazy squirrels that use my side fence as their freeway. I would have to barricade all windows in the living and dining room 😜. So, I'm exploring what might come next...
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Your dreams are just amazing! They sound so wonderful 💕😊

I had a dream the other night with my ex-boyfriend who passed and we had 3 large senior dogs (I had 3 senior dogs at the same time before Millie). 1 of them passed away in what appeared to be an elevator as we went to the ground floor. I'm assuming that while we were back on this earth the elevator signified rising up. I didn't see that pup or the ex in the dream again, only the other 2 seniors. Snoop and Roman tend to appear in my dreams more often than Millie does. I don't feel Mill as much anymore. I think she knows that everything is ok without her. Roman was the protector, so she comes often and Snoop stops by to be goofy and comical, probably also attached to Roman most of the time. I just go with the flow, wherever they need to be is fine 😊


I'm hoping you and your beautiful girls are all doing well. They're growing up now. Are there personalities changing I found with the big dog there were distinct change intervals, becoming calmer at each one. At 5 we were finally on the same page 😁👍


Diana

Mom to Millie, Roman, Snoopy & step sister to O'Boy
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Millie18
My sweet Millie,

1 year 8 months.
I usually don't register the months anymore, one just runs into the next. It feels like forever regardless. These are scary and anxiety-inducing times, so your loss is hitting me so hard today. It's overwhelming, but deep down I feel confident that I'll be ok. My life has always been a challenge. My head always just above water and I have made it through each time.

On the one hand I wish you were here and on the other I'm glad you're not here to be around with me worrying focusing on daily survival. Just don't stay too far away and give me a wink every now and then so I know I'm on the right track.

Tell all the doggie and kittie spirits (I hope you get along with them now) around to look after their people to guide them through this quagmire that all of us humans are going through.

I just realized why I've been especially weepy today. In addition to your passing and the crap hitting the global fan, it was exactly 8 years today that my dad died.😒

I miss you my little Millie Moo 💖❤🌹
Diana

Mom to Millie, Roman, Snoopy & step sister to O'Boy
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Millie18
Oh boy, 1 year and 10 mths already. We're moving ever closer to that 2-year mark now. It feels like you've been gone 10 years or more. I've started forgetting so many things about you, but luckily many memories remain. I've started cleaning up the back yard. I'd left it unattended ever since you left. I didn't have reason to be in the back. I missed you being there. It's served only as the breezeway between the garage and the house since you've been gone. Winston left the state, so I took in many of his mom's things, including a patio set and a wonderful burbling fountain. It has inspired me to make the yard a fun place to be again. I will also set up a doggy memorial with a sculpture and native plants. I will continue to make it a dog-friendly place. Hopefully you'll come to visit.
I'll miss you, my little moo girl. I know you would love lying out in the sun now  <3

Dog bust.jpg  fountain.jpg
Diana

Mom to Millie, Roman, Snoopy & step sister to O'Boy
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Millie18
Dear Mill,

Today would have been your 10th birthday. The rescue took you out of the shelter and assigned the 4th as your birthday. I can't believe it will be 2 years in just a few weeks. I really missed you yesterday and then I remembered that it was your birthday today. The subconscious really speaks out loudly when we think we've forgotten.

I miss you little one. I know you've been helping me in the yard. I can feel you there. 

I know you're at peace now.

Love you moo.
Diana

Mom to Millie, Roman, Snoopy & step sister to O'Boy
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Millie18
Well, here we are at the dreaded 2-year mark. I've been thinking about you a lot lately. The squirrels are hiding peanuts in the front and backyards, the fruit rats are scurrying around while I'm still outside, and the sparrows take over the fountain. None of this would be happening if you were still here. You would have kept order in the animal world. I've hung up hummingbird feeders and love watching them and now the bright yellow orioles, I have lots of little lizards out front, all of them I do enjoy very much, but I would prefer you keeping the rats and insane squirrels in check 😁

I hope you like the backyard. I've been adding more lights and plants around the lemon trees. I feel you there hanging out, lying in the sun under the trees. I'm going to try to make it to our beach this week before we go into a 2nd lockdown.

I miss you my little monkey girl 💕💕💕💋

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Diana

Mom to Millie, Roman, Snoopy & step sister to O'Boy
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