I've visited this site a few times and am very grateful that it's here. I participated in the candle lighting ceremony, which was very healing. Reading so many heart wrenching stories has helped me to not lose my mind. My heart is with all of you trying to make it through this really difficult and at times crazy process.
It's been since 7/20 that I have been living my life with a black hole in my heart. Only now am I able to post. I've been crying daily and writing in my journal in order to not go crazy. I feel your presence everywhere, but then grow sad when I realize you aren't physically here anymore.
I grow angry that you were taken away from me much too soon and then the black hole reappears. I wear you around my neck in an amulet and that has given me some comfort keeping you close to me.
We had only spent 3 years and 4 months together and I feel completely short-changed that you are gone so soon, taken so quickly by an evil cancer. You had just turned 8 on the 4th of July and 2 weeks later you would be gone. I can't comprehend how you could be doing so well one day and be at death's door the next. I couldn't believe you had lymphoma. My super tough dog. You were jumping and running and everyone who saw you was sure you would still have months to live a full life. 7 weeks later I had to let you go. You didn't make it to the 2-4 months to live that you were given.
You passed quietly at home. The vet came and let you go peacefully. Thank god I have no regrets about how I had to let you go. We had the best last week. We went to the beach, to the duck pond, to the lake. You didn't feel well, but I think you enjoyed the car ride and the new smells, especially when you were at the beach. On the last day I knew it was time.
I feel the guilt now regarding our 1st year together. It was very difficult for me. I took you in as an emergency foster through a Shar-pei rescue group, but you didn't look very Shar-pei. You were attacking all of the animals in your other foster house. You were quite violent and created extreme chaos, even though you had been separated from the others. You bonded with me the moment I brought you into my home, but I had a great deal of difficulty understanding your constant pawing and biting at me in the face. I understood that you just had no idea how to communicate, but I felt frustrated much of the time. You never sat down or rested. You were always on the go and I was exhausted.
I'm sorry if I didn't know what to do for you right away. You had been living in an abandoned house with 2 dogs twice your size. You ended up having a puppy on the shelter floor. You spent months in the shelter hospital with kennel cough, were adopted out, then immediately returned. Your life had been hell. You didn't really sleep for the 1st year-always on high alert.
Ultimately, I was able to figure it out how to help you through our vet's suggestion to put you in nose work class. You thrived-your high intensity was channeled and I was so proud of you. We had only another month and you would have passed your certification. It's all been ripped away from me.
All of our future plans just gone within a 2 week period. I finally had the perfect dog and now you would be taken away from me. I don't understand why the universe would put us on this path, through all the trials we surpassed, just to take it all away again. I know she was reckless and fearless, and I thought she would have killed herself jumping clear off the top of the stairwell or chasing the fruit rats up the trees. I guess she lived hard and died young-it's the only thought that can calm some of my anger. She wasn't the type of dog to die a long and slow death.
I miss the sweet dog you had finally become during this past year. That's how I'll remember you most. From the throw away street dog that nobody wanted, to the smart and talented nose work monster you had become. You were always by my side, you trusted me completely from day one. You always came when I called you. You were the bravest dog I'd ever had. Never a peep out of you even though I knew you didn't feel well. You just wanted to be by my side no matter what.
I finally learned to trust you and you made me so proud. We would have gone far together. I miss you so much. You completely changed my soul. I've had several dogs, one of which was also challenging from day one, she was my heart dog, but with you it was even more special because of the great challenges we overcame. During such a short time you became such a rockstar. We worked so hard and fell so deep-my soul touched and then ripped to shreds.
The house is too quiet without you. I love you my crazy Mills!
Your mommy, Diana
Photo session just after her 8th birthday The amazing morning at the beach 2 days before her passing
Mom to Millie, Roman, Snoopy & step sister to O'Boy