Millie18

Hello everyone,

I've visited this site a few times and am very grateful that it's here. I participated in the candle lighting ceremony, which was very healing. Reading so many heart wrenching stories has helped me to not lose my mind. My heart is with all of you trying to make it through this really difficult and at times crazy process.

It's been since 7/20 that I have been living my life with a black hole in my heart. Only now am I able to post. I've been crying daily and writing in my journal in order to not go crazy. I feel your presence everywhere, but then grow sad when I realize you aren't physically here anymore.

I grow angry that you were taken away from me much too soon and then the black hole reappears. I wear you around my neck in an amulet and that has given me some comfort keeping you close to me.

We had only spent 3 years and 4 months together and I feel completely short-changed that you are gone so soon, taken so quickly by an evil cancer.  You had just turned 8 on the 4th of July and 2 weeks later you would be gone. I can't comprehend how you could be doing so well one day and be at death's door the next. I couldn't believe you had lymphoma. My super tough dog. You were jumping and running and everyone who saw you was sure you would still have months to live a full life. 7 weeks later I had to let you go. You didn't make it to the 2-4 months to live that you were given.

You passed quietly at home. The vet came and let you go peacefully. Thank god I have no regrets about how I had to let you go. We had the best last week. We went to the beach, to the duck pond, to the lake. You didn't feel well, but I think you enjoyed the car ride and the new smells, especially when you were at the beach. On the last day I knew it was time.

I feel the guilt now regarding our 1st year together. It was very difficult for me. I took you in as an emergency foster  through a Shar-pei rescue group, but you didn't look very Shar-pei. You were attacking all of the animals in your other foster house. You were quite violent and created extreme chaos, even though you had been separated from the others. You bonded with me the moment I brought you into my home, but I had a great deal of difficulty understanding your constant pawing and biting at me in the face. I understood that you just had no idea how to communicate, but I felt frustrated much of the time. You never sat down or rested. You were always on the go and I was exhausted.

I'm sorry if I didn't know what to do for you right away. You had been living in an abandoned house with 2 dogs twice your size. You ended up having a puppy on the shelter floor. You spent months in the shelter hospital with kennel cough, were adopted out, then immediately returned. Your life had been hell. You didn't really sleep for the 1st year-always on high alert.  

Ultimately, I was able to figure it out how to help you through our vet's suggestion to put you in nose work class. You thrived-your high intensity was channeled and I was so proud of you. We had only another month and you would have passed your certification. It's all been ripped away from me. 

All of our future plans just gone within a 2 week period. I finally had the perfect dog and now you would be taken away from me. I don't understand why the universe would put us on this path, through all the trials we surpassed, just to take it all away again. I know she was reckless and fearless, and I thought she would have killed herself jumping clear off the top of the stairwell or chasing the fruit rats up the trees. I guess she lived hard and died young-it's the only thought that can calm some of my anger. She wasn't the type of dog to die a long and slow death.

I miss the sweet dog you had finally become during this past year. That's how I'll remember you most. From the throw away street dog that nobody wanted, to the smart and talented nose work monster you had become. You were always by my side, you trusted me completely from day one. You always came when I called you. You were the bravest dog I'd ever had. Never a peep out of you even though I knew you didn't feel well. You just wanted to be by my side no matter what.

I finally learned to trust you and you made me so proud. We would have gone far together.  I miss you so much. You completely changed my soul. I've had several dogs, one of which was also challenging from day one, she was my heart dog, but with you it was even more special because of the great challenges we overcame. During such a short time you became such a rockstar. We worked so hard and fell so deep-my soul touched and then ripped to shreds.

The house is too quiet without you. I love you my crazy Mills!
Your mommy, Diana
 IMAG3538.jpg  IMAG5073 - small file.jpg 
IMG_0023.jpg  Photo session just after her 8th birthdayIMG_0082.jpg  IMG_0090.jpg  IMG_0126.jpg The amazing morning at the beach 2 days before her passing


IMG_0173.jpg 

Diana

Mom to Millie, Roman, Snoopy & step sister to O'Boy
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Tankie12
She is beautiful. Your words, so full of love they touched my heart. I’m so sorry how it all ended. I can’t figure out why things happen the way they do, they just do. You created such a bond with this little girl and finally she had the life she deserved away from that cold shelter. None of us feels we’ve giving our best, we always sneak in doubts when for them their life was perfect. Their unconditional love is our greatest proof. I’m glad you felt at ease to share her story and the pictures are amazing although the last one is tinged with such bittersweet emotions.youre not alone,,,,,
Lynn, Tankie’s mom, forever
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Millie18
Thank you so much for your encouraging words. You're right regarding the doubts. No matter how much we've done, there's always more we could have done and so little time.
Most of the pictures were from her final days. Friends couldn't believe that I would have to put her down. It was crazy. On her last day it was clear because she was breathing harder and she could no longer lie down because of the fluid filling up so quickly into her abdomen. She started to shut down while the vet was on his way. The longest hour of my life...

Tankie and Miilie be at peace now
Diana

Mom to Millie, Roman, Snoopy & step sister to O'Boy
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MAlcindor
What a beautiful girl your Millie. I can see the love the two of you shared in those pictures and it is such heartache when they leave us. I am so very sorry for your loss. Sometimes it does seem as if the universe is against us, doesn't it? It just doesn't seem fair when they are taken from us so soon. I read a passage the other day, I forget where, but part of it was "forever would not have been enough." So true. When they leave they take a part of us with them. Thank you for sharing not only your story but the beautiful pictures also. I hope posting here brings you some comfort in these difficult day.
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Tankie12
My girl had acute renal failure. She hadn’t been doing well, slowing down a lot compared to her birth sister. She’d survived lymphoma at 5. Three chemo’s and she was the outcome everyone prays for. Than we had Hurricane Irma here in S Fl and my sweet bottle fed girls were kept inside with us for 24+ hrs. I couldn’t get them to urinate inside, they would never think of such a thing. Tankie ended up with a severe UTI that traveled to her kidneys. When she had bld wrk done she was in end stage renal failure. She lived almost 6 wks with at home treatment. I’m telling you this because 2 hrs before she died a friend texted me ‘How’s Tankie today’ I texted back “wonderful” My next text to her was Tankie just died. You said your friends couldn’t believe what happened. It’s beyond our minds as well. I have a video of my baby playing with her sister New Years Eve. She passed Jan 3rd
They do so much better with discomfort, to good really. The end even though we know it’s happening can throw your whole world into a cloud of emotions that have no words. I’m glad you’ve come here. It’s a safe place to speak from your heart, take care,,,,,
Lynn, Tankie’s mom, forever
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Millie18
Thank you so much, Marlen. You're right, forever wouldn't be enough. We will always want more time. I just wanted enough time for her to show the world next month how talented she was in front of her nose work peers. She really deserved it

I have gained so much from this site in such a short time. It has definitely accelerated my healing process. Reading what others are going through and seeing those happy pictures connects me to everyone here.

I read Max's memorial. He seemed like such a cute, cool little guy. I'm sorry he had to leave you. I know it still hurts, especially after losing both of your pups in such a short period of time. My heart goes out to you. I will go and visit your Bailey today.

Diana
Diana

Mom to Millie, Roman, Snoopy & step sister to O'Boy
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Millie18
Oh, Marlen, I just read Bailey's story. I'm so very sorry for this tragic loss. Thank you for consoling me after the nightmare you've been through. Wishing you peace and hugs.
May Max and Bailey come visit you in your dreams
Diana

Mom to Millie, Roman, Snoopy & step sister to O'Boy
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Millie18
Oh, my goodness, Lynn.
That's so tragic. After all your strong Tankie made it through, cancer and all. I'm so sorry your girl was taken away from you so abruptly. My heart is with you.
They are such strong creatures-stoic, not wanting to alarm us, and then in a flash they're gone.

On the one hand my other dog Roman, who I had found under a dumpster as a puppy, had been sick all throughout her life. Vets would tell me there was nothing more they could do for her, to put her down when she was young. I never thought she would make it past 5 yrs, but she did. It was a very rocky 11 years. I'm not sure if I would have the strength to that again. I found experimental meds, non-traditional treatments. If it existed, I found it.

Roman decided where and when she wanted to pass away after the death of her buddy Snoopy. He lived an unbelievable 16 years without ever being sick and he was full Shar-pei (low life expectancy). When he passed, Roman didn't want to continue living. On Thanksgiving morning she steered me to the park across the street. She went to lie down and stopped breathing and died instantly. I had to ask a horrified football team to carry her across the street to my house. Luckily my neighbor was there to talk them through it. She had lost weight, but was still around 80 lbs

With Millie it happened quickly. I don't think she suffered and if she did, it was for a very brief time. I'm starting to appreciate her quick passing and the good times we were able to have together. She was never sick, only got herself into lots of scrapes-run in's with the neighborhood cat, scraping her eye chasing rodents...

Roman's loss was the most dramatic, but I have thanked Roman for giving me the gift of her decision. I've asked her to check on Millie for me.


Diana

Mom to Millie, Roman, Snoopy & step sister to O'Boy
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Rookiesmama
Diana, thank you for sharing your beautiful pictures of Millie!! It's easy to see how much she was (is) loved! You mention all your future plans gone, and that's so accurate. My Rookie had barely turned 9, and as a teacher who has summers off, it's the time I looked forward to most, because I would have more time with him. I definitely feel like something was stolen from me. Again, thank you for sharing your story and pictures. Hugs!!! ❤❤
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Millie18
Rookiesmama

I enjoy seeing everyone else's pictures of happy and loved kitties and pups. I wanted to share some of our happy moments amidst all of the sorrow.

I'm sorry that your time with Rookie was cut short. It really does feel time was stolen away from us and we're left hanging with the emptiness. I hope this summer you're able to remember the good times with your pup and that your pain is lessening. Hugs to you too and I will say a prayer for your Rookie when I tell Millie and my other pups good night
Diana

Mom to Millie, Roman, Snoopy & step sister to O'Boy
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Rookiesmama
Thank you so much Diana❤
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Millie18
I just received an email that my nose work group made a donation to Millie's rescue in her honor. I knew they were going to as I gave them the rescue group info, but I can't stop sobbing after seeing the site.

Between the moving memorial with the baby picture I had never seen, combined with the group's kindness I can't stop sobbing. Her shelter pictures I hadn't seen either.

https://www.chinesesharpeinetwork.com/gifts-in-honor-of.html

The head volunteer coordinator told me she was sobbing as well. God it hurts so much right now. I miss her so much. I'd been doing really well because of this forum and I'm falling apart right now. I'm so touched by everyone's kindness and touched to see the only baby Millie ever had, but then the reminder that she's no longer with me hits me in the gut.

Please send me strength right now.


Millie's shelter pic with baby 7-2014.jpg 


https://www.chinesesharpeinetwork.com/gifts-in-honor-of.html
Diana

Mom to Millie, Roman, Snoopy & step sister to O'Boy
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MAlcindor
Oh Diana, the pictures are priceless! What a beauty and that precious baby! Just when we think we're doing a bit better something like a picture will trigger the overwhelming sadness and we just have to cry. It is so wonderful they did this in her honor. So many loved your Millie. And the gut, mine is in a perpetual knot from all the punches it's received these past 6 weeks. I'm crying with you, sending hugs your way....
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Dalidog
The pictures are PRICELESS of your beautiful baby.  I am so sorry for your loss, such a beautiful pup.   I'm glad you saw my post and hope you will consider reading Jack's books.  I lost my Dali almost 4 years ago and spent 3 years reading every pet loss book I could.  The grief was unbearable.  One day I stumbled on Jack McAfghan books.....which are written by Kate (Jacks owner) who was a hospice grief counselor.  When she lost Jack, she began writing about losing a pet and she truly understands.  The books are so comforting to read and opened my mind to the possibilities..   God bless and I am so sorry for your loss.

Dali's mom

Dali, as much a daughter as any human...  pure love
Until we meet again

http://rainbowsbridge.com/residents/DALI003/Resident.htm

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Millie18
Marlen,

Thank you so much for your calming words and hugs.

The feelings are so mixed, the appreciation, the sadness, the kindness, all rolled together. Ugh, it's exhausting. 

I'm sorry you've been on such a difficult path losing your 2 cuties. I pray for you that your pain subsides. I can't imagine in what sort of condition I would be in if I were in your shoes. My situation went fairly smoothly aside from the insidious cancer taking my girl. I'm sending you all of my strength to help pull you through.

I know I will get through this, there will be many bumps in the road, but I know my angel pups will be with me always. I have to hang on to those thoughts.

I just printed out more pics. I forgot to put hers on my car visor. My other 3 are on the passenger visor. I had to apologize to Mill that I hadn't printed her out yet!
Diana

Mom to Millie, Roman, Snoopy & step sister to O'Boy
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