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JakeysMom

Thank you, LadyFaire. I’ve put away most of his things, (and yes, where I can easily access them) except for his bed in the living room. It still has his scent in it and sometimes I like to lay on it and smell him. I’ve also attached his collar on this stuffed animal and am still sleeping with it. For some reason, I haven’t slept with the lights off until last night. Anyway, the stuffed animal totally smells like him right now.

Otherwise, I feel OK. It’s been about 10 days since he passed away and I feel as if I’m OK with it now, and it makes me feel guilty that I’m not as sad as I was. The guilt then turns to anger...angry at myself for seemingly having gotten over so quickly, but at the same time knowing that I’m deceiving myself. I think I’m at the angry stage of grieving. I also feel guilty because on impulse, I filled out an adoption application for another dog this morning. 

I think this is the roller coaster ride of grief I’ve read about. I think I’m OK but really am not. I don’t want to forget my baby boy and I know I never will, but it’s almost like I’m keeping myself from moving on. I’m sorry if it seems like I’m all over the place. Maybe I shouldn’t have filled out that application this morning. 

Thank you, and to anyone, who’ve read this far in my ramblings. 

 

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teenyweenybb
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our love baby
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teenyweenybb
Some beautiful pictures of Jake. Those must have been very happy times. And you must have had many, many happy moments with Jake.
our love baby
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JakeysMom

CA0EF969-70E2-48C5-B8EF-0E049A70402C.jpeg  I brought Jake home yesterday. His ashes, I mean. I think the reality that he’s really gone hit me then. I deceived myself by thinking that I’ve been OK last week since I’ve barely cried but yesterday and this morning, I was in heaving sobs. I slept with his urn next to me last night. Woke up this morning to a friend sending me a text on dog food and I had to tell her my baby passed away nearly two weeks ago. She called me and we cried together so hard. And she never even met him but I spoke about him at work so much. She’s also a dog lover and knows how it is to lose a fur baby companion. 

There’s been a lot of triggers today that’s made me cry. Filling out an application this weekend to foster dogs might not have been such a good idea but I really do want to volunteer. The shelter even called me already yesterday but I wasn’t able to take the call. They said they would call me back but now I’m hesitating on returning their call. 

Work has been somewhat of a blessing but I don’t want to overwhelm myself either that I miss out on the grieving process. I know I need to grieve so I can be at peace but I’m feeling a bit impatient with myself. 

I miss my Jakey. 

 

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grievingmama
Your dog was adorable, I'm so sorry for your loss. Bringing them home like that, a final trip, is really tough. When I picked up my boys urn I walked home with him and told him "we're going home buddy". It's the same thing I would always say when we were coming home from his medical visits or hospital stays. It's not the same by any means and it's a brutal pain, but I hope you find some form of comfort at least knowing he is home again and not "out there somewhere"...for me that was a moment of peace...albeit short lived. My best to you 
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JakeysMom

Thank you so much, grievingmomma. Yes, I do feel relief that he’s not “out there somewhere” anymore. I’ve been catching a whiff of his scent all day so I hope that’s him also happy to be home.

I’m so sorry for your loss as well. I really do appreciate having this forum to fully express my deep love for my Jakey, especially with those who understand losing a best-loved furry animal member. 

 

Your dog was adorable, I'm so sorry for your loss. Bringing them home like that, a final trip, is really tough. When I picked up my boys urn I walked home with him and told him "we're going home buddy". It's the same thing I would always say when we were coming home from his medical visits or hospital stays. It's not the same by any means and it's a brutal pain, but I hope you find some form of comfort at least knowing he is home again and not "out there somewhere"...for me that was a moment of peace...albeit short lived. My best to you 

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JakeysMom

It’s been a month since I lost my baby boy, Jake and I think now, I’m at the depression stage. I miss him so much. I feel as if life has no meaning anymore. I feel aimless. But no worries, I won’t harm myself. The sadness is just so...heavy. I want to cry but I may have cried out all my tears already. It’s even harder that I’m going through this alone. It was just Jake and me.

I miss you so much, my baby boy! 

3625DCB4-62ED-4A0A-871D-EEA617548E0C.jpeg 

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grievingmama

@JakeysMom

Everything you are feeling right now is part of this horrible process, I'm right there with you. When the one month date hit of my boys passing, I cycled right out of the lost-in-a-fog shock phase straight into the empty, lonely guilt ridden depression phase. I didn't leave my home for days. Like you, it was just me and my boy Bu, no spouse or kids...I always said I don't need children I have dogs. So when you live like that, as you and I have, when we lose them it is exactly like losing your child, your close family member. I know everyone says that it gets "easier" with time. I don't know if easier is the right word but I can tell you the rollercoaster slows and the waves roll over you differently. You take each minute, each breathe as it comes through this kind of loss. The emptiness and pain don't change, but your ability to live with them does. It becomes a part of you, like every scar, lesson and memory of your past. Your Jake is a part of your soul, who you are. There is a poem quote I like to remember these days "I am a part of all that I have known".

Today marks day 45 for me, I don't know where those days have gone apart from tears and picture/video scrolling. Some days I feel more at peace with my decision to say goodbye, other days I'm right back to obsessively going over all the last months and test and treatments again. I spent a week recently having pictures printed and buying beautiful photo frames, my home has images of my boy in every room now. That is comforting in some ways. I put his toys away this past weekend, that was a step that was very hard. I put his favourite toy (Mr. Frog) away in a keepsake box with his leash and harness, 2 stuffy toys he got this past xmas were put into a storage box and I donated the rest. His bed hasn't been moved, I'm not ready yet. 

One minute, one breathe, one day and memory at a time. When you feel the time is right, go ahead with the fostering. What better legacy can we give our babies than passing love on to others. xx

 

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JakeysMom

@grievingmama

Thank you for your kind words, @grievingmama. It’s comforting to know I’m not alone in this pain and depression. This forum has been so helpful in all this grief. I still keep coming back to the 6 months before I lost him, what I could’ve done differently, etc. And then I stop myself because I know it’s a slippery slope from there. Like you, I also bought frames and prints to fill them with. Every room in my home also has a picture of him. He was such a shedding boy so I don’t mind seeing his hair on my clothing and furniture and every nook and cranny of my house. 

I did start fostering but now I feel like I did it in haste. I’m hoping he gets adopted soon because I realized I haven’t been able to grieve completely but I’m trying to be a good foster mom as best as I can. I’ve always wanted to foster while Jake was alive but a health concern always came up with him and I never got to do it. I thought it was his way of telling me, “I want to be the only child so no fosters, mom!” 

One minute, one breathe, one day and memory at a time.” I need to remind myself of this daily. I know I need to be kind to myself, and to be patient as well. Patience was the main thing I learned from Jake. I need to remind myself of this constantly too. 

Thank you, again.  ❤️❤️

 


@JakeysMom

Everything you are feeling right now is part of this horrible process, I'm right there with you. When the one month date hit of my boys passing, I cycled right out of the lost-in-a-fog shock phase straight into the empty, lonely guilt ridden depression phase. I didn't leave my home for days. Like you, it was just me and my boy Bu, no spouse or kids...I always said I don't need children I have dogs. So when you live like that, as you and I have, when we lose them it is exactly like losing your child, your close family member. I know everyone says that it gets "easier" with time. I don't know if easier is the right word but I can tell you the rollercoaster slows and the waves roll over you differently. You take each minute, each breathe as it comes through this kind of loss. The emptiness and pain don't change, but your ability to live with them does. It becomes a part of you, like every scar, lesson and memory of your past. Your Jake is a part of your soul, who you are. There is a poem quote I like to remember these days "I am a part of all that I have known".

Today marks day 45 for me, I don't know where those days have gone apart from tears and picture/video scrolling. Some days I feel more at peace with my decision to say goodbye, other days I'm right back to obsessively going over all the last months and test and treatments again. I spent a week recently having pictures printed and buying beautiful photo frames, my home has images of my boy in every room now. That is comforting in some ways. I put his toys away this past weekend, that was a step that was very hard. I put his favourite toy (Mr. Frog) away in a keepsake box with his leash and harness, 2 stuffy toys he got this past xmas were put into a storage box and I donated the rest. His bed hasn't been moved, I'm not ready yet. 

One minute, one breathe, one day and memory at a time. When you feel the time is right, go ahead with the fostering. What better legacy can we give our babies than passing love on to others. xx

 

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Deederbestboy
Love that, “I am a part of everything I have known.” I will cherish those words. Thanks for sharing this wisdom. I’m Deeder’s mom and he was and is part of me forever.    Jeanne 
Jeanne Swift
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JakeysMom

Today is Jake’s birthday. He would’ve been 9 years old today. We would be at the park celebrating or having a doggy party with his friends. 

Happy birthday in heaven, my baby boy! I love you and I miss you every day. 

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roseblue1
Happy birthday Jake...hope you are having plenty of fun in doggy heaven.

Ellen x
Ellen Hague
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JakeysMom

Two weeks after I lost my baby boy, Jake, I fostered this sweet boy, Monkey. I had him for nearly four weeks until he went to his forever home yesterday. It was painful having him as I realized that it was way too soon to have another dog in my home after losing Jake. Although I fed him, attempted to train him (I couldn’t make him sit for the life of me!), and cared for him as best I could, I felt like I deprived myself of thoroughly grieving and mourning Jake that I needed to do. It was then that I realized I shouldn’t have fostered so soon. Well, after dropping off Monkey at the shelter yesterday for his furever parents, I cried like a baby. I cried for Monkey but it also triggered the sadness I had been holding for Jake as well. I had almost given Monkey back at the third week mark but I managed to keep him for one more week so I yelled to myself, amidst my tears, “I did it!!”. I managed to keep Monkeg until he was adopted despite my desperation to give up being a foster, and I’m taking that as an achievement.

And now, I miss Monkey. But in this case, he’s gone off to a much better home than I could provide him at my present mental state and that is something I keep reminding myself to alleviate the sadness I’m feeling. I’m wondering if Jake somehow sent him to me to help me with the sadness of losing him (although it really didn’t), or....I don’t know. 

Now I have an “empty nest”. No dog paws pitter pattering on my wooden floors and dog chins resting on my leg while I work from home. It feels sad and quiet but I know I need the time to be comfortable with the change. 

Thank you for reading. 

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grievingmama
@JakeysMom

"you did it!". In the midst of your own loss, intense grief and pain you somehow managed to support and care for another being who was also lost and scared. You, in all your raw sadness, were the best person to understand and help Monkey transition to the next phase of his life. Your actions speak volumes about the type of selfless and compassionate person you are, and what a wonderful way to have honoured your boy Jake. Now it is your own time to reflect and heal. Compassion is not complete if it doesn't include yourself. xx
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JakeysMom

@grievingmama

Thank you so much for your wonderful words of encouragement, GrievingMama. I think I needed to have this said to me despite already knowing some of it. I miss Monkey but knowing that he’s in a home right now where he’s wanted and will be showered with the love and care I can’t provide right now comforts me.

Thank you again. ❤️❤️


@JakeysMom

"you did it!". In the midst of your own loss, intense grief and pain you somehow managed to support and care for another being who was also lost and scared. You, in all your raw sadness, were the best person to understand and help Monkey transition to the next phase of his life. Your actions speak volumes about the type of selfless and compassionate person you are, and what a wonderful way to have honoured your boy Jake. Now it is your own time to reflect and heal. Compassion is not complete if it doesn't include yourself. xx

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