Thank you for your kind words, @grievingmama. It’s comforting to know I’m not alone in this pain and depression. This forum has been so helpful in all this grief. I still keep coming back to the 6 months before I lost him, what I could’ve done differently, etc. And then I stop myself because I know it’s a slippery slope from there. Like you, I also bought frames and prints to fill them with. Every room in my home also has a picture of him. He was such a shedding boy so I don’t mind seeing his hair on my clothing and furniture and every nook and cranny of my house.
I did start fostering but now I feel like I did it in haste. I’m hoping he gets adopted soon because I realized I haven’t been able to grieve completely but I’m trying to be a good foster mom as best as I can. I’ve always wanted to foster while Jake was alive but a health concern always came up with him and I never got to do it. I thought it was his way of telling me, “I want to be the only child so no fosters, mom!”
“One minute, one breathe, one day and memory at a time.” I need to remind myself of this daily. I know I need to be kind to myself, and to be patient as well. Patience was the main thing I learned from Jake. I need to remind myself of this constantly too.
Thank you, again. ❤️❤️
Everything you are feeling right now is part of this horrible process, I'm right there with you. When the one month date hit of my boys passing, I cycled right out of the lost-in-a-fog shock phase straight into the empty, lonely guilt ridden depression phase. I didn't leave my home for days. Like you, it was just me and my boy Bu, no spouse or kids...I always said I don't need children I have dogs. So when you live like that, as you and I have, when we lose them it is exactly like losing your child, your close family member. I know everyone says that it gets "easier" with time. I don't know if easier is the right word but I can tell you the rollercoaster slows and the waves roll over you differently. You take each minute, each breathe as it comes through this kind of loss. The emptiness and pain don't change, but your ability to live with them does. It becomes a part of you, like every scar, lesson and memory of your past. Your Jake is a part of your soul, who you are. There is a poem quote I like to remember these days "I am a part of all that I have known".
Today marks day 45 for me, I don't know where those days have gone apart from tears and picture/video scrolling. Some days I feel more at peace with my decision to say goodbye, other days I'm right back to obsessively going over all the last months and test and treatments again. I spent a week recently having pictures printed and buying beautiful photo frames, my home has images of my boy in every room now. That is comforting in some ways. I put his toys away this past weekend, that was a step that was very hard. I put his favourite toy (Mr. Frog) away in a keepsake box with his leash and harness, 2 stuffy toys he got this past xmas were put into a storage box and I donated the rest. His bed hasn't been moved, I'm not ready yet.
One minute, one breathe, one day and memory at a time. When you feel the time is right, go ahead with the fostering. What better legacy can we give our babies than passing love on to others. xx