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6starz

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Reply with quote  #1 
It happened so fast. He is old and slowing a little so we did not notice anything. He just seemed tired. Last week my wife walked him on some real long walks and this Sunday that just passed we hiked 1.5 miles that is a lot for me at this time. I am recovering from ankle replacement surgery. Since I have been able to I walked him on average about every other day. Short walks but he loved to explore and sniff sniff sniff. On that last hike on Sunday he pooped orange diarrhea which freaked us out a little.

The next morning he seemed a little week so I took him to the vet. That same morning my wife was on a flight to Atlanta for work. And was not due back until this coming Thursday night. Or tomorrow. Had x-rays and a blood test and would get the results Tuesday morning. On Monday was told x-rays showed his abdomen looks like it is being pushed forward. But inconclusive. On Tuesday the blood test showed super high white and low red blood cells. Plus a lot of other levels including the liver were bad. And would need an ultrasound. Our vet said we should take him to a 24 hour hospital, in case he needed to stay the night. Took him on Tuesday and was told 2-3 hours so I went home to wait. I knew when they called at almost the 3 hour mark it was bad news.

She said they were sorry but my boy had cancer all throughout his kidney and on his spleen and was bleeding inside. The bleeding was slow but could get bad at anytime. If it was just on the spleen it could be removed but with the liver and bleeding there was nothing we could do. So I called my wife and texted my stepson.

It hurts so much not having him here with me now. Tuesday night when I brought him home. His boy my stepson came to visit him and it looked like he might make it till Thursday. But I am so glad my wife hopped on the earliest flight home because the next morning he was not doing well. Monday and Tuesday night he slept in his happy spot on our bed with me. I made him stairs so he could get his old body up and down from our bed. This morning he got down off the bed passed out fell on the floor his eyes rolled back and I thought he was dying right there. But he came out of it. He laid there for about an hour and I was able to get him back on the bed and he passed out again but came out of it. Wanting it as comfortable as possible for him I remembered he liked it cool so I turned off the heater and opened the windows and doors. It perked him up and he actually got off the bed and made it outside this time went potty and was able to make it back on the bed.

My vet was planning to come on Thursday to my house to help Billy to the other side. But told me this morning if I could let her know by 11:30 she could be here at 12:00 or 2:00 or 4:00. My wife was going to be home about 11:30 so we had her coming over at 2:00. My stepson was not going to come that early but a class of his was canceled and he was able to get his mom at the airport and come with her. He stayed until 1:30. He could not bring himself to be here when Billy was to pass and we understood. He said his goodbyes yesterday just Incase. But I am so happy he was able to come today. Meant a lot to Billy. He loved his boy.

My vet arrived and explained the process to us the prepped Billy as he laid on his comforter on our bed with me sitting on the edge of the bed with his head in my lap and my wife standing in front of him. She was stroking his head and I was rubbing his neck. He loved my wife so much and I loved the fact she was the last thing he saw. We said our goodbyes as he drifted off. My vet is so awesome and Billy loved her and she loved him because he was a very special boy. She even told Billy she loved him and gave him a kiss goodbye too. When she arrived he peeked up and looked better but she explained it was just adrenaline and we knew it to be true. Ha had almost died twice earlier that morning and looked like he was going to pass before she got there. She assured us that it was not cruel for him to wait those few hours to do it the way we did. He had cottage cheese and eggs and ice cream last night before he went to sleep and cottage cheese and a little bit of eggs today before he passed.

I have been beating myself up all day because I did not catch this sooner. I feel like I let him down by not being able to really spoil him like he so deserved. Yes my wife is right his whole life was spoiled he was a special boy. He got whatever he wanted, plus more. Everybody who met him loved him. He grabbed hearts of some that did not like dogs. Not a mean bone in his body. He never growled at anything ever. The most super sweet dog I ever met. And he was a 110 pound pit bull mix. I loved him more than anything it hurts so much took me forever to write this thru the tears. I can’t stop crying. Everything reminds me of him down to the bathroom rug that he would lay on when he laid in there. He liked the coolness of the bathroom.

I had not eaten in 2 days and we had pizza tonight and he always got some of my crust. I would split it between the dogs, when it was just him he got it all, but tonight I ate my crust for the first time in 10 years. Could not bring myself to give it to our other pups. My big boy lived for 12 years, 10 with us. We were so very blessed to have shared our lives with him. And we thank the foster family we got him from for letting him live with us. He will be missed so much. By so many. Will not ever be the same.

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Nacoka

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Reply with quote  #2 
I am so sorry. But it sounds like he lived a good, long life. He was fortunate to have you and your wife. My story is similar. My Jack was exactly 9. He was a Maltese, so he was too young to die. He was sick one day, I took him to the vet. His temperature was 105 so they did blood work and X-ray. His bloodwork indicated a very low white blood count. They had to do the bloodwork twice because reading was so low. He spent the night in the hospital. Had an ultrasound. All indications were some kind of blood or bone cancer. When we went to se him, he couldn’t even lift his head. We made the decision right then and there. I was in shock; like it was a dream. Then after a while the guilt hit me. Why didn’t I see this sooner. He gave us no indication. It’s been 2 months, I still cry every day.

Take it from me, you have to grieve...I’ve started a journal about how I feel. Yesterday a friend was over and I was able to talk about Jack and not tear up, but then when I was alone I cried. I take solice in how much he was loved and how much a part of the family he was. Not all dogs have that kind of love.

Jack’s mom
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Jubee7303

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Reply with quote  #3 
Aawwww its hurts so bad, doesnt it? Your pup had such beautiful eyes and a sweet face. I love that close up photo of his face like hes looking right at you. Yesterday i found three photos of my husky girl and had them enlarged and i framed them and i lined them up on the floor propped up facing me where she always laid in her favorite spot. Now i can always glance at her and there she is like always. I realized i had missed her looking at me and i missed looking at her. Before it was like she had vanished from the house, but this is like having her back here with me.
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Polo

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Reply with quote  #4 
Hi Norm,

I’m so sorry for your loss, Billy looks so beautiful and was without a doubt a vip special pup: he reminds me of my boy in a lot of what you described: gentle, happy, loving and loved by all who were lucky enough to have met him. His nature and spirit were a reflection of the love and care you gave him and he definitely sounds like he had a fulfilling and privileged life. It is very clear you were willing to do anything to keep him with you but unfortunately when the health problems reach that level, there is nothing that can be done. The cancer had metastasised and he was bleeding internally. It sounds like he was severely anemic- the high white blood count weren’t doing his liver any favours and the low red blood count , which carries oxygen, would have made it very hard for him to breath sooner rather than later: in any case, even if it had not spread, he would have definitely not been strong enough for surgery. Apart from anything else, a serious rupture of the tumour would have also been an unpleasant occurrence that could have happened any moment. I just want you to know you made absolutely the right decision in having him leave in the most loving, relaxed and peaceful way possible. He has gone to sleep and when he next opens those beautiful eyes, you will all be there smiling back at him :)

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6starz

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Reply with quote  #5 
It’s so much harder today. I am just so devastated. It hurts so much. I thought I had so much more time. I wanted to do so much more with him. Can’t stop crying. Can’t stop thinking about him. Can’t sleep. My heart is just so empty without him. So hard to feed my other dogs without him there to eat with them. Seeing the water dish. Know he was drinking just by the sound he made. Hearing him come thru the doggie door. We bought our house just so he could have a back yard. It just hurts.
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Polo

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Reply with quote  #6 
Unfortunately there’s no fix for the pain but I always try and remember that they had no concept of life or death- when Billy went to sleep, it was just another nap for him. We- thoseleft behind- are the only ones in pain, the ones missing our boys so badly. We are the only ones suffering and they don’t have to. All they knew was love and I know everyone has their own beliefs but I am very sure we shall be reunited with them again. By the way your talking, I’m positive you’re like me in that, every time your boy was feeling unwell or hurt, you would’ve traded up and taken that pain yourself if it would’ve made him feel better. This is just another one of those instances. We are left suffering without them but those that left us are not and that’s what really counts.

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Stacy072176

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Reply with quote  #7 
Billy is such a handsome boy. I have a soft spot for pit bulls. I have lost 3 in my lifetime. Bandit was only 1.5, Brutus was 14 and Bandit was almost 17. I have a 2 year old named Duke right now.
The pain of losing an animal is so hard and at times feels like it will never stop. I feel like I have been through it too many times. My 9 year kitty Lilly was hit by a car 2 nights ago and all I do all day long in cry for her. The pain is so intense right now. I feel like I am in a bad dream and just want to wake up. I physically hurt and my heart feels like it is split apart. I miss her so much. I want to go outside to look for her and call for her to come home. It just doesn't seem real that she is gone. But I try to find any sort of comfort knowing she is waiting in Heaven with her brother and my other pets that have passed and one day we will be together again.
In time the pain will not be as intense but your Billy took a piece of your heart when he passed so the pain will never fully be gone. It sounds like he had such a wonderful and loving life with you and your family. You did the best thing you could for him in the end. Letting a beloved pet go peacefully is one of the most precious things we can do for them.
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Peteyd

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Reply with quote  #8 
I am so sorry for your loss. What a beautiful dog ! I too lost my best buddy just a few weeks ago. I know how much it hurts. My boy Elvis was 11 and also had cancer. It all happened so fast there was not even enough time to process it. I couldn’t eat or sleep for a week and cried every day for over a month. I still cry. These animals connect with us on a level that no human can. Our relationship with them is unique. There is nothing else like it. I really know exactly how your feeling and I’m sorry. There is nothing I can say or write to you that will make you feel better. Grieving is a process and it’s different for everyone . The hardest part will be aligning the head with the heart. There is no right or wrong when it comes to how you feel. It’s just how you feel. The guilt and second guessing is a part of it. The suggestions I will give you now have been given to me by others here on this site who also know how you feel. Be kind to yourself. Your Billy would not want you to be any other way. He would not want you to regret. You gave him a good home and loved him. Your time spent with him was a gift. For you and for him. Keep writing here. There are people here who really care. This site helped me so much and still does. I wrote every day for weeks. I just wrote about my feelings and most times I would end up recalling my time spent with Elvis and write about that too. There were two people who answered me every time. They were kind and gentle and gave me these suggestions that I am passing on. I still coraspond with them today. I don’t know if I would have made it this far without them. I was lost. Despondent. Hopeless. I just kept writing. The love I had for my Elvis was deeper and stronger than anything I have experienced. I still miss him terribly and some days are worse than others but I am no longer hopeless. Elvis would not want me to be so upset. I know that Billy would not want you to be either. Keep it in the day. Try and just do the next thing in front of you. Looking at a future without my Elvis was the hardest. I just kept things simple. Just get through the day.
My Elvis was a pit bull too. They are really a special breed. Strong and smart. Quirky and funny. The best. Please feel free to reach out to me . I will check in in a few days. I hope that you will find some peace. 🐾

Pete

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Purzel

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Reply with quote  #9 
Dear Norm,

Your story moved my heart and I am so sorry for the loss of your very beautiful and sweet Billy. Thank you for sharing these pictures. I truly understand your pain and can see your love and care as you helped him accross the bridge in a very loving way - you all were with him in his beloved home. 12 years is a good long life for such a big dog - I know this wont really console you, but it is just true. I am sure you did not oversee anything but unfortunately the guilt-thingy seems to be a normal procedure in grieving - I am still questioning my decision for my 13 year old Lab Max after almost one year. I also do very much understand the days after- which is not really surprising when we think of the many many years that our beloved ones were at our side and all of a sudden they are not. It is heartbreaking and especially difficult. So yes, I can only underline the words that Pete posted, to just be very good to yourself. Take all the time you need to grieve Billy because your feelings are just true and there is simply no time limit. This is a very good place to be as we all understand your pain. Write all you wish, we are here to dry your tears and to comfort you best we can.

My heart goes out to you

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JanV

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Reply with quote  #10 
Norm, it helps to share your pain with others who understand. I’m truly sorry for what you and your family are going through. Billy is adorable and you just want him to jump out of that picture and lick you all over! I come here every once in awhile when I start to hurt again with hope to share some caring words. I lost my pup a year ago and my other pup three years ago. The pain is not as intense but I never stop missing or loving them. I can tell you that loving my dogs opened a place deep I’m my heart and now I look at all animals with deep respect for what they give us all. Be strong because you will survive this and the sting will lessen but it’s important to grieve too.

With heartfelt sorrow....
Jan

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6starz

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Reply with quote  #11 
Today my wife and I took his harness and leash with us while we walked two of the places I would take him most of the time when we walked. It was hard seeing all the places I used to watch him in. But I thought it would be a good start to the healing.

Seeing him while and after he passed it the worst thing for me to keep seeing in my mind. But I know I had to do it for him. I owed him that. Never had the strength before. To be present while it was happening. I just loved him like I never loved before. Just so hard seeing that in my mind. He was laying on his comforter on our bed when he passed. And I sent his comforter with him. Thought it would be to much for me to see it. But today I was washing the towels that I put down for him to eat his last meal and I thought what have I done. I should have kept his comforter. We called our vet and missed it by an hour. But they called the cremation place and they said they would return it with his ashes. But it will be 2 weeks before I get him and the comforter back. It will be a miracle if I get it back after that long. I have already prepared myself to not get his comforter back or in one piece. But it will be great if I do.

My other 2 dogs, especially my girl who came to us as a older rescue puppy, who grew up with him are moping around. It’s hard to see them without him because they always were around me together. I do love my other dogs. But Billy was one of a kind. He was first and always came first. When my body was only strong enough to walk one dog, Billy went. I don’t know how to explain it. There are dogs and there is Billy. I love my other 2 very much and would do the same for them. But Billy was a once in a lifetime companion. I’ve lived with many before him and the 2 I have now. And the feelings just are not the same. I love animals. I cried when my ex wife’s cat died that my current wife made me bring with me when my ex left me. Never in a million years did I think losing an animal would hurt this much constantly. Billy was like a person in a dog suit. Such an unique personality. I love him and miss him so very much. And it hurts so much.
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6starz

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Reply with quote  #12 
Everything reminds me of him. The food I eat. Things in the bathroom. My bed. Where he used to lay in the sun. I can’t go anywhere and not think of him. If I am not crying I have tears in my eyes. I love my other dogs, but it’s just so hard to show the affection right now.
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Roxigirl

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Reply with quote  #13 
We lost our dog Roxi today. I can relate to everything you said, and feel. The pain for me, is unbearable. She was my baby girl. She lived 14 wonderful years with us. She was a pittie rescue that we adopted at 3 months old. We lost her brother 5 months ago. While that was devastating, losing my baby girl is heart wrenching. I’m totally heartbroken. I can’t stop crying. Everywhere I look, reminds me of her. Coming home and not having her greet me at the door with her favorite toy, not seeing her lying next to me on the bed, not hearing her walking down the hallway. I’m completely lost without her. I feel sad and empty
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Brownie74

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Reply with quote  #14 
I'm sorry for the loss of your Billy!
I know the pain is great, and unbearable at times, but it will get easier. Time heals, but it sounds like Billy was very special boy, and very special to you. U will always be sad and miss Jim, but it gets easier. I didn't think I'd be able to pull myself together after I lost my boy. But I did, and I still have very bad days! Its just how much we loved our babies and it shows through our Grief. Try to give the other babies attention, they can sense your sadness. They will comfort you. I hope you find some comfort here at the bridge, as I did! It helps to read and write, and make a memories box . I wish you healing in your time of grief and pain.
Many hugs and prayers, Jessica

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6starz

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Reply with quote  #15 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Roxigirl
We lost our dog Roxi today. I can relate to everything you said, and feel. The pain for me, is unbearable. She was my baby girl. She lived 14 wonderful years with us. She was a pittie rescue that we adopted at 3 months old. We lost her brother 5 months ago. While that was devastating, losing my baby girl is heart wrenching. I’m totally heartbroken. I can’t stop crying. Everywhere I look, reminds me of her. Coming home and not having her greet me at the door with her favorite toy, not seeing her lying next to me on the bed, not hearing her walking down the hallway. I’m completely lost without her. I feel sad and empty


I could tell which dog was walking down my hallway. I miss his so much. As well as the water dish. I knew who was drinking just by the sound. I am so sorry for everybody’s pain who is here sharing with me. But all you being here is helping.
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