I put my dog to sleep today and I can't stop crying. I miss him so much and feel so bad that it hurts my heart. I don't know what to do, my husband doesn't understand. He says that "he's just a dog" but that doesn't make me feel better. I think my husband has no feelings at all.
My dog Skeeter, we called him Skeet or Skittles had kidney failure for 2.5 years now. He was always happiest in the car and what happened to him makes me want to die. Perhaps this is why I feel so guilty and sad and ashamed and awful.
During the summer one day we went somewhere in our truck and he came along. He had a serious reluctance of getting out of cars and would often hide inside not wanting to get out. One day he didn't get out and we did not realize it being distracted with a 2 year old and a 6 month old baby. Not that this is any excuse and I feel intense guilt. He was in the truck for about 2 hours and when we found him he was almost dead. We cooled him off and rushed him to the ER where they miraculously saved his life. But when we put ice on him to cool him off we sent his body into shock which was probably worse than the heat. So his kidneys failed and he barely recovered. It was awful. He was so sick and I remember nursing him back to life. He did recover and lived 2.5 years that were pretty good. But his days were numbered because he was being poisoned by his own blood. His teeth got very bad and his breath could make a room smell terrible. I felt so sorry for him at the end. I knew that this time he would not recover because the disease had taken its toll on his little body.
Oh my god, make the pain stop.
And to make it worse we never told anyone the real story because my husband didn't want to. So everyone thought that he just developed kidney disease on his own. But in reality we killed him slowly. I feel so guilty and terrible and I need to get this off my chest. I know that I am a terrible dog owner and should never get another. So careless I was.
Please forgive me Skeeter, I appreciate all the times you were there for me and kept me company. I love you for who you were and understand that you forgave me, but I cannot forgive myself. I buried you in my yard today so that you could be close, knowing that we will move soon is also killing me. I was hoping that you could make it until we moved to the new house and I could bury you there but you were getting so bad that I couldn't stand to see you suffer anymore. It would just be selfish of me to make you live for my benefit. So, I leave you with the tree that I planted you under and hope that you will have a long, undisturbed rest. Please forgive me for being such a terrible person.
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Hi Skeeter's mom,

I am so sorry to read you lost your little buddy.
You came to the best place to share your story and find some comfort. He was NOT just a dog! They never are, so please don't feel like you aren't supposed to grief like this.
I can fully related that you never wanted to share what happened. I too don't feel like sharing outside this forum. Just know one thing- the intense guilt is completely NORMAL! One thing I've learned through these incredibly sad last couple of weeks is that every single person who lost a pet feels guilty about something. EVERY SINGLE ONE! No matter the circumstances. But in reality you would've never done anything to intentionally hurt your baby. It was an accident!
I am certain you gave your Skeet so much love, and he had a good life knowing this.
I am still haunted by guilt and so many what ifs - regrets about every single decision leading up to my heartache. But there's nothing we could've done differently because we didn't know! Sometimes I wish we'd all be able to look at ourselves the way we look at our best friends, and that our inner dialog would be kind like that. What would we tell your best friend if it was her dog? Would we blame them? I don't think so. I hope we can all find the way to being more kind to ourselves. And PLEASE don't keep telling yourself you are a bad mother!
I hope you will soon work your way through this intense pain. I can't really tell you how to move forward because I'm still in the sad midst of trying to figure it out myself.
The only thing I can assure you is that you are never alone with your pain, that it is NOT your fault, and that when you will reach the point of being ready to adopt another family member, ANY dog would be forever grateful for your love and home.

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its important to remember during times like these that accidents happen.  Your intention was never to purposely harm Skeet. I have a child of my own so I understand how sometimes dealing with them can really consume every thought in your mind.  Its unfortunate that your husband isn't more understanding but as you will learn we all have people like that in our life that don't understand why we feel such pain when our pets pass.  I'm sure his intentions are not to belittle how you feel he simply just hasn't had that type of bond with an animal and he just doesn't get it.  When my girl suffered a back injury I had A LOT of guilt on could I have done more? Did we do something to cause strain on her back? Did I put her to sleep to soon.  No matter how our pets pass we all suffer from these what ifs and at the end of the day we all have the same intense pain.  

Just remember it was an accident and once you realized you did what was right you took him to the vet and got him help! You didn't have to do that but you did and you spent the next couple of years taking care of him.  You showed your guy daily you cared about and loved him.  Trust me our dogs hold no grudges against us they know how much we loved them.  Your little guy wouldn't think of you as a terrible person. 
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Thank you for the kind thoughts and words. I really do appreciate them.

It's weird because I thought that I would be able to get another dog and the pain would ease. But now I don't even want another dog and even just seeing them causes me pain and makes me feel sick. Life sucks
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The last thing Skeeter would want you to feel is all those negative emotions when you think of him.  Those emotions are real for you and in time, hopefully, you'll find some peace and balance as you process this.  Like Powder's Mommy said, we all feel guilt, no matter what the circumstances.  We had to put our guy down in August.  He went blind in a bout 3 weeks, from an auto-immune issue.  He was otherwise quite healthy at 14.5 years, but his quality of life had diminished enormously.  It took every ounce of our courage to decide that although the time wasn't right for us, it was right for him.  But I still wondered what we missed, what we could have done differently.  

But in talking to Winston after he was gone, I could almost hear him say "please remember that my earth journey was full of love and wonderful times, so focus on that instead of just the way I died. That's how I want you to think of me and remember me!"  It's how all of our fur babies want to be remembered.

Accidents happen - and you are still early new in this painful journey.  Skeeter would be VERY proud of you for sharing this difficult story but it's the best way to let the healing begin.  It's way too soon to think about another dog, so be gentle with yourself and just be, for now.  Skeeter will always be with you, no matter where you go.  His love is that big!  

Wishing you peace in the new year,
Winston's mom
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Just to agree with others, we all feel guilty.  Wondering what if I did this, what if I had done that or not done that.  It is what we all go through. I recently lost my cat of 14 1/2 years, I have some guilt about him because I think he was in pain for quite a while and I didn't know so I never got pain medication for him.  The really big guilt I feel is for another cat, his name was Snicker, he was a one person cat and I was his person, he was absolutely devoted to me.  In 2008 we went on a vacation to Alaska, before we left we had taken Snicker to a heart specialist because he had developed a heart murmur, they told us he was fine and had a lot of years left.  While I was gone he died, he died alone on the floor of the basement and when we came home and I saw him it looked like something terrible had gone wrong with him.  I was so upset because if I had been home I would have realized he was sick and gotten him help.  My brother who was feeding the two cats was not used to Snicker as he would always hide when my brother came over, so it was not his fault.  That cat who trusted and depended on me had to die without me, it still makes me sad to think of it.
So you see we all have our stories, just as I could never know that Snicker was going to get sick, you did not do anything to deliberately hurt Skeeter.  We are human we are not God, we make mistakes.
I know that in time you will realized that you gave Skeeter a loving home, you loved him and he loved you.  He has no pain and no problems now.  Give yourself the same grace you would give someone else who had made that mistake.
I will be praying for you.
Marlene Wagner
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