Jenny29

On June 24th my beloved cat Bear passed away. He was a month from turning 7 on July 24th. He was a beautiful large red color point Siamese, he was cross eyed and his eyes were incredibly blue. I loved him so much and he loved me. He accompanied me from the time I was 18 and I him. He followed me everywhere and we did everything together, I had him with me from his birth, he was born in my closet to Princess my rescue cat. He loved to lick my face and my hair and I loved to smell his sweet little paws and his fur and rub his soft ears. He was as incredibly annoying, he was loud and chatty and needy and I loved it, it made me feel loved and accompanied. He loved to knock things over and then look at me and then knock more things over and then look at me until I sprayed him with water because he loved getting sprayed. I know it’s weird but he absolutely loved getting sprayed, he would run up to me and meow until I sprayed him. He’d fight with my carpal tunnel hand braces and kick his little back feet. Whenever I got dressed to leave he would make me late by meowing until I pet him and reaching up to ask for pets. He slept on me every waking moment, he’d jump on me and flop over me and meow at me. He ran to the door if he thought I’d come in. I can’t believe he’s gone I can’t believe he’s gone.

 

It was sudden and traumatic. I had pet him that morning and that afternoon, he was cheerful as he always was. Bear always kept trying to jump in the sink while I was cleaning the cat plates for their morning food. Everything was normal, he had had his check up and booster shots 4 months ago. He was in perfect health as far as I knew.

 

I was on my couch reading.  And then suddenly I heard a scream, an awful scream, I looked over and Bear was on the ground flailing with Princess standing over him and I thought maybe he was fighting with her. So I ran over to separate them and Bear kept screaming horribly and he was flailing and I started screaming trying to figure out what was happening. I ran to get my phone and ran back. I called my parents who had left 15 minutes before in the car, our only car, I yelled at them to come home please please.

 

At this point bear stopped flailing, he lay still and limp and I shook him and tried to understand what was happening, he gasped a few times and it was horrible and looked painful. I was shaking so hard and I was so desperate I called the police to beg for a patrol car anything anything to get me to the nearest vet. I called the vet and they instructed me how to do cpr, my biggest fear is that I wasted too much time talking to the police person and didn’t start cpr in time. I begged the vet to send anyone and they said they could not, but I begged and begged anyone I was so close I lived a 5 minute drive away. No one came, I kept doing cpr but I think he was already dead. Princess kept growling and trying to bite him and I’m not sure why, I yelled and pushed her away. But I think he’d been dead for a while, but I kept trying and screaming and crying and shaking and finally my parents got home and I grabbed Bear and ran outside, I didn’t even care that I wasn’t wearing pants because I’d been relaxing in my home. My dad sped us to the vet while I continued cpr in the back and when we got there I ran out and they were waiting to take him. They couldn’t get a heart beat, they tried everything, they tried for 20 minutes but he was already gone.

 

I don’t know what happened, I don’t know how this happened. They think it might have been a heart attack, but we’ll never know. I can’t understand what happened.I want to wake up from this horrible nightmare. I want to wake up and have Bear in the bed next to me. For the past few days I’ve been just crying in my parents bed for hours with them trying to comfort me. My brother has been sleeping in the loft upstairs with me because I can’t be there without completely breaking down. This morning I woke up and felt a weight near my leg and smiled and leaned down to pet Bear, but it was Princess sleeping there and I remembered Bear was gone and I burst into tears. And I don’t know what do do without him. I feel like I will never be ok, my loft is so quiet now and none of my other cats are like Bear was. I keep hearing him yell in my ears and see him convulse behind my eyelids. I don’t know what to do or how to deal I’m just so sad. I thought we were going to be together for decades. 

-Jenny
Quote 0 0
Buddy_Mama
Jenny, I’m so sorry for the loss of your sweet Bear. Especially because it was so traumatic, and you were alone when it happened. I can see from his photo that he was a beautiful boy. And I loved what you wrote about the funny, cute things he did, and the bond you shared with him.

It’s completely normal and understandable that you’re having such a hard time coping. Please don’t torment yourself thinking you could have done more... you clearly did everything you could to help save him, more than many people would
have done.

The hardest, most unfair thing about being a pet parent is that we live longer than they do, so we’ll inevitably find ourselves grieving their loss someday. It’s the unspoken condition we agree to when we open our hearts to them. And as you probably know, they're very good at hiding any symptoms of illness - it’s coded into their DNA for survival - so we (and even vets) sometimes can’t tell that something’s wrong. But I know... right now, that doesn’t lessen the shock and pain of losing your baby so suddenly.

There’s no magic formula for coping with the pain. You need to take everything one day, even one hour, at a time. Make sure you’re eating and getting enough sleep. Those basic things are the way to get through each day, and give you the strength in the slow process of healing. Remember that Bear wouldn’t want to see you hurting or miserable... let that inspire you to smile, to feel a moment of comfort, to remember all the wonderful things about him.

Keep coming here to let out what you’re feeling; it really helps. Everyone here understands and knows what you’re going through. Here you’ll get support and no judgment. Sending you hugs...
Cindy (Buddy’s mama)
My baby Buddy 5/4/10-3/7/20, rescued March 2011
My sweet Mandy 11/27/91-11/2/10, rescued November 1992
My beautiful Barney 4/28/73-9/7/92, adopted May 1973
Quote 1 0
P_Mom
Dearest Jenny, words cannot express how sorry I am to hear of your sweet and beautiful Bear and what you went through to help him. I think Cindy (Buddy's Mamma) said it all - please try to take some comfort in knowing you did all you could and more.  It was likely a shocking experience for your Princess too and perhaps that's why she reacted the way she did.  My heart goes out to you - sending love and big hugs during this most difficult  time. ❤️

Jennifer 
Patch's Mom 
Quote 2 0
Jenny29

Thank you so much for your kind words and comfort, Cindy @Buddy_Mama . I’ve really taken comfort in what you said about how Bear wouldn’t want me to see me hurting. He was the sweetest boy and he’d come running every time I cried, he’d be worried to see how I’ve been lately.

I’m trying so hard to take care of myself. I’ve been trying to eat and sleep enough, but I wake up every hour or so and then cannot fall back asleep. Eating has been the hardest, it makes me nauseous and sits in my stomach like a stone. 

I’ve read some other threads on the forum and I feel a lot better knowing that I’m not alone in feeling devastated by a loss of a life companion. I agree that it will be a great help to me even if it makes me sad. 

-Jenny
Quote 0 0
Jenny29

Thank you Jennifer @P_Mom , you’re probably right about Princess, she probably just didn’t know what to do to help. 

I’m appreciate the love and hugs, I feel like I need it. I’m sending you some right back. ❤️

-Jenny
Quote 0 0
Jenny29

I made an emergency appointment with my old therapist and it’s set for Wednesday. I hope that I can work through some of the trauma, I want to think about my Bear without tears, I want to remember him and I’m so terrified to forget. I still don’t know how to deal with this, every time I remember that my little Bear is gone my heart drops into my stomach like a stone and my limbs go cold before burning up. I feel like I really need help.
I’ve been sad and stressed for a while about two of my older cats. They are both 17 and siblings from the same litter, that we raised as bottle babies when we found them outside.

Sylvester (a slim chatty cuddly tuxedo cat) has had cancer for over a year, he was on chemo from September to March. His tumor is regrowing so in a few days he has another appointment with his oncologist (who is a blessing of a doctor). And will probably restart chemo within the week.

Snowy (aka Meow Meow) (a cuddly loud chatty cross eyed Siamese mix) got pneumonia two months ago which led to her losing a lot of weight, they put her on antibiotics. She got better but then got worse again. She had multiple X-rays and an ultrasound and it was determined that she has a chronic lower respiratory disease, an inflamed bowel disease and beginning stages of renal failure. I’m devastated but we haven’t given up, we’ve been taking her in every week to get fluids and she’s on steroids to control the inflammation. We’ve been cuddling her and coaxing her to eat because she’s so nauseous.

I’m not sure how to deal with so many of my cats being sick or gone. My heart hurts and I don’t want to feel like this.

-Jenny
Quote 0 0
Jenny29
My little Bear, I’m not sure how to exist without you curling up on my pillow above my head. I don’t know how to deal without you somehow silently moving into my spot every time I sat up in bed.

Every time I remember you’re gone I feel like I’ll break into a million pieces. You were such a vibrant part of my life that I’m just not sure how to go on. I wish you were here I wish you were here. I miss you little Bear. 
-Jenny
Quote 0 0
Jenny29

Dear Mister Bear,

I woke up this morning and immediately reached for you, but you weren’t there. I’m not sure how to feel better how to live with this gaping hole of sadness in my heart. How is anything ever going to be okay without you rubbing your little face against mine. Without you trotting beside me going wherever I went with your cute soft belly swinging to and fro. How am I supposed to live without having to refill the spray bottle every three days because you’ve had me spray you too many times. How am I supposed to live without you coming up to me and staring at me and going “mow” with your beautiful wide eyes begging for attention that I would gladly give you. How am I supposed to live without being able to crouch down when you rolled over so excitedly to hold your head between my hands and pet your cheeks, your ears, your face, and burry my face in your soft sweet smelling stomach fur while you purred and purred and meowed. How am I supposed to live without you running down the stairs to my loft and trying to escape into the main house while I jokingly scold you for being an “Escapey Bear”. How am I supposed to live without you knocking the breath out of me multiple times a day when you jumped on me from the top of the couch. How am I supposed to live without you always sleeping with me between you and the door no matter where because you knew I’d protect you. How am I supposed to live without being able to call you a cute little coward Bear whenever you did escape to the main house and sniffed around and then immediately got startled and ran back up to the loft. How am I supposed to live without you burrowing and making a little cave under my decorative carpet to curl under and sleep. How am I supposed to live without petting your soft little head and body and whenever I’d pull back you’d reach out your own cute paws to pull me back. How am I supposed to live without you getting so excited you pushed yourself upside down on the back of the couch and slid down onto me. How am I supposed to live without you making a ruckus scratching at the water bowl if it was empty or the food if I’d left it closed. How am I supposed to live without you sitting in my lap while I drew or painted or played games. How am I supposed to live without the way you stared at me like I was the best thing you’d ever seen in the world and you couldn’t look away. 

I love you my Bear. I miss you more than you can ever know. I’m lost without you.

Love, Your Jenny

-Jenny
Quote 0 0
Jenny29
How is this real? How is this nightmare so real? Bear Bear Bear Bear I miss you I love you. Why did this happen? I love you Bear, my Bear. I love you I love you I love you. 
-Jenny
Quote 0 0
Jenny29
I can almost pretend that he’s fine somewhere. Upstairs where I can’t see him. But in my heart there’s a hole that knows there’s someone missing. My best Bear, my Mister Bear, the Hershey kiss butt Bear. My silly floppy Bear. My Bear. I love you my Bear. 
-Jenny
Quote 0 0
Jenny29

There was no time to prepare or say goodbye. Bear I love you and I hope you know I did everything I could. I can’t believe what happened. I miss you more than anything.

I want to enjoy time with my other cats, but all I can think about is your absence. I just need to hold you one more time and have you purr one more time please please oh god. 

-Jenny
Quote 0 0
KadyMcGann
Jenny, 
I am so so sorry for the loss of your sweet Bear. Your description of him is adorable, and he absolutely adored you. He was so so lucky to have you as family! Not all cats are lucky enough to find their human soul mate, but it certainly sounds like Bear found his. I had to put my little girl, Gretal, down earlier this month and it was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. She was fine, she was 13 so not young but not a senior, and she was acting pretty much like herself except not eating as much up until the day my dad found her in our basement, unable to walk. My dad called me and told me Gretal was sick, and I immediately had a bad feeling and started sobbing. My boyfriend sped me home where I immediately took Gretal to an emergency vet. I remember the ride, hoping that I'd have her in my lap on the way back home. It wasn't meant to be, she had blood clots and her heart was failing. Having to let my baby go was the hardest decision I've had to make, and I could barely talk to the vet in between my hysterical sobbing. When she passed in my arms, I felt a piece of my soul leave with her. I understand the horrible and hopeless pain of losing your cat soul mate, it's absolutely terrible and I am so sorry that you had to say good bye to Bear in such a painful way. Gretal slept with me nearly every night, and now the bed is just empty. I walk into my house expecting to see her sun bathing or waiting for treats, but she's just not there. All I have now is an urn, her collar, her favorite box that's still covered in her hair, her pictures, and all of the wonderful memories. Hold on to your memories tight and take comfort in all of the times that Bear found comfort in you. You did everything you could, please don't be too harsh on yourself. You were a wonderful cat guardian to Bear, as you are to your other cats. It hasn't even been a month for me yet, and when I think about how Gretal was here with me only just a few weeks ago it's like a punch to the stomach. You showed Bear true love, and I'm sure he really did think you were the best thing in the world! He was extremely lucky to have you. It's not going to be easy, but you have to take it one moment at a time. Our hearts will always be with our departed fur babies, and I like to think that somewhere Bear and Gretal are playing together with out a worry in the world and wondering why their silly humans are crying so much. 
Quote 0 0