cheezybaby
cheezel.jpg

Last Wednesday I lost my friend, my little one, Cheezel. It was a sunny day, I had been feeling down after being stuck indoors for a couple of weeks and decided I would cook my family dinner. I asked my Dad to make sure my lovely baby boy was safe and inside before it got too dark (something I would usually do myself). Coming back inside with tears down his face, my Dad didn't even have to speak for me to know what had happened: my worst nightmare. Going outside, that is when I saw him lying on the nature strip by the side of the road, unmoving. The image of him so still and so lifeless flashes in my mind constantly now.

Cheezel was a playful ginger cat who I raised after his stray mother abandoned him just a little over a year ago. He was constantly running around, climbing everything he could, and begging for pats whilst he did. I have never known a cat so affectionate, so loud, or so lovely. Every room in the house he made his own; from the bathroom - where he would try to drink from the tap before crying out for me to fill up a small cup I gave him after he failed so many times - to the living room - where he would curl up on my lap, spin onto his back, and purr as I rubbed his belly. He was such a presence in my life, always filling up the moments that would otherwise be lonely or ordinary. I find myself expecting him to appear at any moment, to let out a little 'arr' and run towards me, to be back in my world again. Even though I know he is gone, my brain does not want to or cannot accept it. 

There is so much guilt that I feel thinking back now. I keep trying to tell myself I did all I could but then suddenly I am remembering things I should have done to avoid this ever happening: should have checked the gate, should have kept him inside, should have gone to find him earlier. In December of last year, Cheezel become very unwell whilst I was overseas. His back legs became paralyzed and he was sluggish, always sleeping. My family told me there was little the vet said could be done. But by some miracle, a few days later he was fine. On his checkup a month later, the vet was stunned by his recovering and could not find anything wrong with him in any of the many tests that were conducted. I just cannot fathom that after all that, all the fighting he did, not even two months later is he killed in such a preventable way. (I cannot believe it happened during broad daylight, I cannot believe the person who killed my bubba just dumped him like he nothing, I cannot believe he is gone). Having only a year with him feels so unfair when I imagined years with him by my side.

I have just been in such pain, such sadness, that I have not stopped crying since my lovely one left me. I am hoping that by writing here that I will find some kind of support. My family has been wonderful but they are also grieving and it is hard to speak to them without all of our emotions surrounding Cheezel to flair up. I do not have many friends to talk to but I hope to find some here. If you would like to email or message me privately, I would love to form some kind of ongoing mutual support network as I know this journey of grief is going to be so very hard.
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LaGata
I am sorry for your loss....I think all here are going thru the same thing and we are at various stages of grief.  I lost my baby almost 2 months ago and I still miss her so much.  I put flowers on her grave....I still cry.  I still don't know what happened to her.  I never will and that's what makes it so hard for me.
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cheezybaby
LaGata wrote:
I am sorry for your loss....I think all here are going thru the same thing and we are at various stages of grief.  I lost my baby almost 2 months ago and I still miss her so much.  I put flowers on her grave....I still cry.  I still don't know what happened to her.  I never will and that's what makes it so hard for me.

Thank you for the message. I'm so sorry for your loss as well. I feel the same way regarding not knowing what happened entirely. I assume my little one was hit by a car but I find myself sometimes thinking what if it wasn't accidental, what if it was a neighbour's dog, even though there is no proof of any of that. There is always going to be that question in my head and I worry that because of that there will no total closure. That being said, I hope we both find some peace in this world without our most precious ones one day <3
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Meng
I read your post several times today and finally decide to create an account to write something here. We lost our beloved boy in the same way as you this Tuesday. His name is Huihui. He has almost the same personality as your baby. He’s 3 years old now. We adopted him from shelter when he was 7 weeks. I still do not have the guts to write the whole story of him. I read your story and feel that we can understand each other. Maybe our babies will meet in the meow land and play with each other. They will be in our heart forever. I hope we both feel better. 
Miss Huihui forever...
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cheezybaby
Meng wrote:
I read your post several times today and finally decide to create an account to write something here. We lost our beloved boy in the same way as you this Tuesday. His name is Huihui. He has almost the same personality as your baby. He’s 3 years old now. We adopted him from shelter when he was 7 weeks. I still do not have the guts to write the whole story of him. I read your story and feel that we can understand each other. Maybe our babies will meet in the meow land and play with each other. They will be in our heart forever. I hope we both feel better. 

I just want to firstly say thank you for sharing this with me. It was so scary to share my story on here so I completely understand not being ready to write out the full story of your bubba just yet. Huihui is such a cute name and I'm so very sorry you lost him the way I lost my Cheezel. They were both so little. I'm sure if they meet wherever they are now that they would be the best of friends. Cheezel loved playing with other cats - I'm sure he would have adored Huihui. If you ever want to talk outside of the forum - feel free to email or message me through my profile. Hopefully we will feel some happiness without our precious boys someday.
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Bigcatsdad
I'm so very sorry for your loss, your Cheezel looked like a nice friendly guy.
Cats that go outdoors face so many dangers: vehicles,birds of prey, dogs, other animals and mean people. Try not to feel guilty, this was a tragic accident that you had no control over. It hurts so bad when we have to say goodbye to our little furry loved ones. They come into our lives and truly touch our soul and leave their paw prints on our hearts. You took him in as a stray and gave him a loving home and he knows that. Two months ago we made the painful decision to put to sleep my best bud Albert, he was 16 and my big black cat. He developed an inoperable mass in his abdomen. I still miss him so much. The first week I was so devastated and heart broken. I was truly lost. I found this website and forum during that time and it has really helped. It took me a long time to write my first post. I would type a few lines and then start crying and I couldn't see the screen anymore from the tears in my eyes. There are so many here who understand the pain and heart break of what you are going through. It helps to post your thoughts and feelings when you are able. Reading other posts can really bring tears to your eyes, to realize so many others are going through or have gone through the same hurting and grief for the loss of a close pet and companion.
I hope over time your sadness begins to ease.
And for the others on this post, I'm sorry for your losses as well.
My deepest sympathies.
Bigcatsdad
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cheezybaby
Bigcatsdad wrote:
I'm so very sorry for your loss, your Cheezel looked like a nice friendly guy.
Cats that go outdoors face so many dangers: vehicles,birds of prey, dogs, other animals and mean people. Try not to feel guilty, this was a tragic accident that you had no control over. It hurts so bad when we have to say goodbye to our little furry loved ones. They come into our lives and truly touch our soul and leave their paw prints on our hearts. You took him in as a stray and gave him a loving home and he knows that. Two months ago we made the painful decision to put to sleep my best bud Albert, he was 16 and my big black cat. He developed an inoperable mass in his abdomen. I still miss him so much. The first week I was so devastated and heart broken. I was truly lost. I found this website and forum during that time and it has really helped. It took me a long time to write my first post. I would type a few lines and then start crying and I couldn't see the screen anymore from the tears in my eyes. There are so many here who understand the pain and heart break of what you are going through. It helps to post your thoughts and feelings when you are able. Reading other posts can really bring tears to your eyes, to realize so many others are going through or have gone through the same hurting and grief for the loss of a close pet and companion.
I hope over time your sadness begins to ease.
And for the others on this post, I'm sorry for your losses as well.
My deepest sympathies.

Apologies for my late reply, it has been a bit hard these past days. I truly appreciate your reply and I am so very sorry for your loss. I tried my best to keep him as an indoor cat but others in my household insisted that he loved the outdoors - which is did but I was always so wary. I hate that I have anger in my heart towards them because of that but I do.

This forum has been a blessing in terms of having a space where I feel understood. It hurts to read what others have been through like you said but it also makes me feel so less alone in my grief.

I hope we all feel some peace one day <3
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JulieF
I am so sorry about your beautiful boy!  Please try to stop beating yourself up (I know it is hard).  I am doing the same thing.  We cannot help it.  My baby went on Monday and my pain is still very fresh.  I will pray for you and everyone on this forum.  I am so thankful I found it because it has helped me to get through these last couple of days.  God bless you.
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cheezybaby
JulieF wrote:
I am so sorry about your beautiful boy!  Please try to stop beating yourself up (I know it is hard).  I am doing the same thing.  We cannot help it.  My baby went on Monday and my pain is still very fresh.  I will pray for you and everyone on this forum.  I am so thankful I found it because it has helped me to get through these last couple of days.  God bless you.


Your loss is so recent - I truly thank you for the message and I am very sorry for the pain you must be going through. I somehow did not see your message until now but it came to me when I was sobbing with grief and guilt; it was exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you again and I wish you the best. 
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Memories_of_Marmalade
Dear Julie,

Your beloved "Cheezel" was a handsome lad. My orange tabby "Marmalade" and he could have been cousins or brothers or Father and son.
Thank you for sharing those delightful photos of "Cheezel" that you posted here on the forum and for sharing some of his and your story. "Orange boys" can be so wonderful and loving and silly. We have numerous pet parents here on the forum who had beloved orange Tabby boys and I think we have 2 or 3 Tabby girl (which are quite rare. Only 20% of orange Tabby's are girls) parents.

These words that you wrote really touched me and are quite profound. Thank you for sharing them with us: 

"He was such a presence in my life, always filling up the moments that would otherwise be lonely or ordinary. I find myself expecting him to appear at any moment, to let out a little 'arr' and run towards me, to be back in my world again. Even though I know he is gone, my brain does not want to or cannot accept it."

That is exactly how I feel about my "Marmalade." He filled moments up which would have been lonely or ordinary with his prescence in my life.

I am so, so sorry for what "Cheezel" and you and your family experienced. It is so evident in your words how much you all loved and appreciated him which is so, so important for any pet. They should all be so blessed. Please know that you are not alone. We are with you in comradeship and in spirit, as is your "Cheezel."

My kindest regards and sincerest condolences,
James
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cheezybaby
Dear Julie,

Your beloved "Cheezel" was a handsome lad. My orange tabby "Marmalade" and he could have been cousins or brothers or Father and son.
Thank you for sharing those delightful photos of "Cheezel" that you posted here on the forum and for sharing some of his and your story. "Orange boys" can be so wonderful and loving and silly. We have numerous pet parents here on the forum who had beloved orange Tabby boys and I think we have 2 or 3 Tabby girl (which are quite rare. Only 20% of orange Tabby's are girls) parents.

These words that you wrote really touched me and are quite profound. Thank you for sharing them with us: 

"He was such a presence in my life, always filling up the moments that would otherwise be lonely or ordinary. I find myself expecting him to appear at any moment, to let out a little 'arr' and run towards me, to be back in my world again. Even though I know he is gone, my brain does not want to or cannot accept it."

That is exactly how I feel about my "Marmalade." He filled moments up which would have been lonely or ordinary with his prescence in my life.

I am so, so sorry for what "Cheezel" and you and your family experienced. It is so evident in your words how much you all loved and appreciated him which is so, so important for any pet. They should all be so blessed. Please know that you are not alone. We are with you in comradeship and in spirit, as is your "Cheezel."

My kindest regards and sincerest condolences,
James


Thank you so very much for your message and I am sorry for your loss too. Marmalade and Cheezel really do like they could have come from the same family tree - I'm sure they would have been wonderful friends.

Yes, it is really the loneliness and quiet moments where I find myself yearning to see my little one again. I can't believe how empty these pockets of time are now. Even just going to use the sink now conjures up a memory of him trying to drink water, failing, and getting his small paws all wet. I would give everything and anything to see him do that, or anything, again.

You and Marmalade will be in my thoughts as well.
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mrcatsam
So sorry for your loss. I'm sorry you had to find this forum, but I'm grateful that you were able to share your pain with us so that we may help you through it. 
You'll be in my thoughts.

Sincerely,
Samuel
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