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lilyann
Hi Michele, thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers. It helps so much to know that people like you and others on this forum understand how much I am grieving and the absolute utter loss and pain I am feeling. The pain is still so fresh and raw and I keep looking back asking Why? and What if? What if I had been there all these months - would she have recovered better? What if we put her on fluids 3x week instead of 2 like the doctor recommended about a month ago? Why did GOD take her only 2 weeks from when we were all moving to a new home and would all be together again? I keep torturing myself with these questions and can't forgive myself for not being there for her these past 4 months and in the end. I pray to her and I feel her in my heart and soul. I know she heard me in her last moments and she always felt my love and comfort. It just hurts so very badly. I just want to go and be with her. What can I do to cope? I feel so lost and alone.
Debra Policarpo
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PeteyLover
Debra, every "what if" you mention are the "what ifs" we all ask. There are always "what ifs". I've been torturing myself with them this week too. We gave my little guy fluids for 4 years!!! His was in renal failure for a long time. In the end it seems that the fluids helped bring him down because he was also in congestive heart failure. So you can imagine the "what ifs" I've been tortured with. I'm 7 days into it and I'm sorry to tell you its still hell. I've gone from not being able to breathe and cant stop crying to feeling like I've got part of my gut missing and being a little angry I don't still have my boy. We picked his ashes up today and my husband and I sat in the parking lot and cried again like babies. I don't know HOW I'll get from day to day. And that's exactly how you do it. You just go day to day. That's all you can do.
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lilyann
PeteyLover, I am so sorry for your loss. I completely understand how you feel. I am in my 2nd day and I feel as if I'll never heal, never get over the loss and pain and never be able to forgive myself for not being there for her these past 4 months and in the end. It breaks my heart every second. I have to believe she felt my love and caring every day and I know my husband took wonderful care of her while I was away from her physically. It's just so hard to not ask Why and What if and feel as if there was something more I could have done for my sweet Lily Ann. Please keep in touch and let me know how you're doing and I will do the same. I don't know how I'm going to have a home without my darling Lily Ann. But I know I must keep her heart and spirit alive in me and pay tribute to her life and celebrate it every day!
Debra Policarpo
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Whtesatin
Lilyann, I completely understand why you would want to go be with her, I felt the same way for a long time, I just wanted the pain to stop.  My husband almost had me committed and my youngest said something so profound, it slapped me back into reality: "Don't do something permanent for a temporary issue".  We used to tell him that ALL the time, when be broke up with girlfriends, lost a friend, etc. And to hear those words coming back to me, not only meant he had been listening to me all those years, but he also learned something that could help me.
As of today it's been two weeks, the pain has subsided some, but I still wake up every morning and allow myself about 10-15 minutes to cry, scream, do what ever it is I need to do and then I go on with my day.  Believe it or not, those quiet moments I have in the morning, actually help.
It's okay to mourn her, she was part of your family.  I don't regret for a second that we did the right thing - the only thing I would have changed in hindsight, is that I wouldn't have been in the room - she fought them, bit me and one of the techs.  But then again, she was a fighter up until the very end.  That still haunts me to this day.  I have my faith to rely on, plus my husband and son, so I know "This too shall pass".
A week after she died, I did get a tattoo in memory of her so she will forever be with me.
Keep fighting the good fight and know there is light at the end of the tunnel, and it's not a train!
"No one can make you feel inferior without your permission"
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julieandfurbabies
Love Julie x
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lilyann
Hi Michele,

Thank you for your words of empathy and understanding. It helps to know that I'm not losing my mind and that my grieving and crying are all normal. I was Lily Ann's Mommy for 14 years and she is and always will be my baby, my darling Lily Ann. I have tried to go back to work, but each day I have left early because I just cannot stand to go back to "normal" life, pretending that everything is ok and realizing that I will never again hold or cuddle or pet my baby. I keep torturing myself thinking that had I been there these past 4 months, there would have been something else I could have done to heal her or that just begin there would have made her better. I know my husband took great care of her and she loved him, too. I know she was always loved and taken care of and that she felt my love and caring also. But I still cannot get over the guilt. And the pain of going through each day without her and moving to a new home without my precious Lily Ann. Even though I've lived these past 4 months without her, I never had any doubt that we would be together again real soon and that we would all be back to normal in our new home in only 2 short weeks. I can still feel her curled up in my lap at night and curled up by my legs when I sleep. And it kills me that I will never have that with her again. I don't know how to return to normal life. And when I'm at work trying to do "normal" things, I feel as if I'm dishonoring her. I've just never felt this kind of pain and loss before.
Debra Policarpo
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Whtesatin
It's me again, Dusty's Mom.  It was one month ago today that we said goodbye to her.  I have purchased some flowers for her site.  I truly thought I was getting better, and for a while I was, but then today came and all of that raw emotion has come flooding back to me as if it were yesterday.  It's pouring rain outside, which is perfect for my mood.  I just wasn't prepared for all of these emotions to come back to me.  How do I deal with them?  I still can't look at pictures of her without breaking down.  I wanted to use one of her pictures as wallpaper on my phone,  It's just too soon for that, I wonder if a time will come that I CAN look at her pictures.  My husband - who is not a cat lover at all, even suggested that if I really wanted, I could get another cat (my wonderful husband is willing to put up with another cat, just for me to be happy).  I've thought about it, even though I initially said "Never again", but lately I have been giving some thought to it.  I just don't know if I can go through this again.  But I also feel like somewhere out there is a cat waiting for me.
Thanks for listening and caring,
Michele
"No one can make you feel inferior without your permission"
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lilyann
Hi Dusty's Mom, I'm sorry I've been away for awhile - we moved to our new home and it's been a busy time. How are you doing? Saturday will be one month since I lost my precious Lily Ann and while sometime I feel as if things are better, at other times the grief and loss and guilt are still so overwhelming and I just want to go be with her. I undestand how you feel about looking at pictures of your precious baby - it brings back so many memories - which make you smile and cry at the same time. My husband brought home her ashes and a tube of her fur that I had requested from the vet. I couldn't even touch the box of ashes at first. And when I saw her fur I completely broke down - it just became so real to me that my precious Lily Ann was gone. I just want to hold her and cuddel her and pet her and take care of her again. It hurts so badly not to have her here with me. I completely understand how you feel, Michele, so please let me know how you're doing and if there's anything I can do to help - I'm here to listen and offer any support I can. I am so sorry you're still hurting so badly. I am too, and I'm here for you.
Debra Policarpo
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