I just had to make the horrible decision to put down my baby yesterday. This hit me hard, because I've been consumed with guilt and anger since the moment the vet injected him. I can't help but think... what if I had waited a few more days, run more tests? Forced him to eat, given him more medication? Chemo? No. It wouldn't have prolonged his life, just his suffering. When I signed the papers for the euthanasia and the vet walked in, all I could do was hold onto him, and cry into his fur as he passed. All I can hope is that he understood that I loved him, that he knew I tried my best to be a good parent, and that letting him go was my final act of love. I also struggle with the idea of him being in pain... confusion, not knowing where he was or why this vet was injecting him. Was he scared in his final moments? Was he even able to comprehend what was going on? It's all so hard to process.
I miss him dearly, and I can't believe he's really gone. I commissioned a friend of mine to do a portrait of him, which I will hang by his urn (once his ashes are returned to me). Does the pain ever go away?
"Time spent with cats is never wasted."
All my love to Bender 8/20/02-12/12/14.