Hi there. It's been almost two months since I lost my best cat buddy - I mostly just called her buddy - and it still hurts more than I could have imagined anything could possibly hurt. I've been reading here for quite a while but this is the first time I've felt able to post. Reading all of your sad stories just makes me want to cry even more. Now I'm crying not just for me, but for all of you as well.
It will be 4 years ago this month that me and some friends were sitting in my yard talking and this little tortoiseshell cat just walked up to us meowing. She was really skinny and obviously starving. I did not have any cat food so I grabbed a can of tuna and she wolfed it down like she had not eaten in days. And after that she never left. She had no tattoo or anything, and I checked with the humane society and the local lost cats facebook pages, but nobody seemed to be missing her so I decided to take her in. At her first vet appointment before I had her spayed they told me she was FIV positive (as if they thought I might change my mind about adopting her or something). I've read a lot of places that say FIV cats can live perfectly normal lives, but she had more than her share of health problems in our four years together, including successful cancer surgery two years ago. Deep down I knew I would not be able to keep her forever, but she just got so sick so fast and I made the agonizing decision to have her euthanized. I still feel crushing guilt and doubts - what if I had waited? What if I had tried harder? Now I feel like I gave up on her. Everyone says she had a better life because of me, but it is not much consolation. She hated the car, so I could not bear to put her through that at the end. I had the vet come to my home and do it, but now I just can't get that image out of my mind. She is everywhere I look and I miss her so much. Right up till the end she trusted me, and I feel like I let her down when it mattered most. She deserved so much better.
My parents are both in their 90s and in rapidly declining health. I don't have kids, so my buddy was kind of my little ray of sunshine I could always count on to be there to put a smile on my face after a bad day. I think I probably loved her more than any of my human partners, funny as that may seem. Now I cry every morning when she is not there waking me up to fill her bowl. I cry every time I come home and she is not there sitting in the window waiting for treats. Now there is just a vase with her ashes sitting in the sun where she should be. None of the things I used to enjoy are enjoyable anymore. I never realized how good life was before, I only realize that now that it is not. I thought she would be there for me to help me through some rough times I know are coming. I don't know how I will get through without her.
Anyway, I want to say my thoughts and prayers are with all the good people here who are grieving like me. I know what you are going through and I would not wish it on anyone. I hope you all get through your loss in time, even though I can't personally imagine that anytime soon. And I want to say thank you to the people who run this website, giving people like us a place to share our pain, and to see we are not alone in our loss does help in some small way.
I wish you all peace.