Idahosmom

Idaho is/was a beautiful soul, a very smart border collie who was dealt a bad card from the beginning. Born with hip dysplasia, had right hip surgery, then developed arthritis in both hips. Even with his hip troubles, he had the best attitude. He loved to play fetch with a ball, a stick, anything you can throw. His favorite was a frisbee. At age 6 1/2, he was diagnosed with thyroid cancer, had surgery and radiation treatment. For 3 years, he was doing very well. Earlier this year, he began to have weight loss, decreased appetite and diarrhea, which continued despite vet visits. The vet finally took an xray that showed something suspicious so I took him to the oncologist. Ultrasound and biopsy showed a tumor in his liver, that was thyroid cell in nature, which meant, the original cancer had spread to his liver (and lungs). He started chemo but lost the battle 2 days ago. Throughout the treatment, his attitude was great; despite losing weight, he was energetic and continued to love playing with his frisbee. We thought he was going to beat it, or at least be with us for several more months. I accepted the fact that we would have had to put him down once his quality of life diminished, when he couldn't run to catch his frisbee anymore. But until his last day, that's what he was doing, playing frisbee. That's why it was a complete shock to me and my husband when he died. The vet said one of the large tumors had burst and he bled internally, but he went quickly and did not suffer from pain. My husband is blaming himself, mainly because Idaho died after they played and he couldn't drive fast enough to the emergency room. I'm blaming myself for not getting him checked for recurrent cancer sooner. I should have taken him to the oncologist earlier this year. He lost valuable time because of me. The cancer grew because I didn't get him checked sooner. I failed him. We had promised him long ago that we'd find a house with a big backyard that he deserved. When the opportunity came up to move to Virginia (from California), we took it. We found the perfect property with a park-like backyard and he loved it. But he only got to enjoy it for 7 weeks. I loved this backyard but now every time I go outside, I end up crumbling, falling to my knees, crying and calling his name. The move to Virginia, this property, all pointless now. The backyard I once loved is now the loneliest place on the planet. We moved out here and bought this property for him. Everything we've done was for him. We tailored our life around him. And we would have done more. I can't believe he's gone. He was the best thing that ever happened to me. He changed my life. He changed me from someone who was afraid of animals to someone who could care so deeply for a dog and someone who ended up volunteering at a dog shelter. He did that. He made me a more caring person. He made me a better person.  My husband is devastated too. He's trying so hard to comfort me and it's not fair that I can't do the same for him because I'm a mess. Please help me get through this.

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Lavendar
breathe...in.....out.....repeat
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Lavendar
try to hold onto your present reasoning at the time,  there is no escaping the guilt, it's always either too late or too soon.  try to be kind to yourselves.
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Spennys_Mom
Wow, I can feel so much love coming from you when you talk about Idaho. I agree with what you were kind enough to say about my Spenny. It hurts so bad and seems as though it may never stop. You did everything you could for Idaho. And I'm sure he did make you a better person. I don't remember the quote exactly, but it was a story of a child who lost his dog. He said he figured out why dogs' lives are so short compared to ours. We are here as long as we need in order to figure out how to love others. Animals just learn so much faster.
Spenny's Mom
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Idahosmom
My dear Idaho,
It's been 3 days since I saw your beautiful face. I miss you so very much. I woke up crying this morning. I didn't want to get out of bed. When I finally did, I took Hanna and Gana to the backyard, where I ended up breaking down again, nearly collapsed, crying so hard and calling out for you. Whenever this happens, Hanna tries to comfort me like you used to but sometimes I cry so much and so loud that it scares her and she runs to hide.
I'm sorry that you only got to enjoy your backyard for a very short time. You loved it out there. Oh, how you loved running and jumping up to catch your frisbee and then playing keep-away with it. Like your oncologist said, it's all about quality of life. And boy, you made every day count. You didn't let your bad hips and cancer stop you from having that "quality of life". I'm so glad that you got to do your favorite thing on your last day.
Oh Idaho, I miss you terribly. I hurt so much. Please forgive me. I failed you. If only I had gotten you checked sooner, the tumors may not have gotten so bad and the chemo could have worked. You lost valuable time. And because of me, you're gone and your Papa and I are suffering for it. Please forgive me, my sweet boy. The pain of losing you is excruciating. Who would have thought that someone like me, who was afraid of animals most of her life, would love a dog so deeply, a dog who would then become her one true love.
I will be with you again, my dear boy. I love you more than anything in this world, and beyond.
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Bearloyal
Idaho,

I completely relate to what you are feeling in regards to the move to Virginia and how happy you were to give him that great big beautiful back yard. 
I recently moved out of my mothers home where we had four dogs and took my fur baby with me.  It was the most beautiful peace we had since my daughter was born.  Before my daughter was born, my dog did not have aggression issues and her and Daisy were best friends.  One month following the birth of my daughter, she got aggressive towards the other dog and we had to break up the fights numerous times.  This apartment, we have only lived in for 10 weeks, is now empty without her.  I have no reason to cover my couches now with tattered blankets to keep her hair off the furniture.  And I won't have my Bear to sit on my back porch with me anymore.  The whole reason I wanted that damn apartment was so that my dog and I could get some freaking peace!!! 
I still had school and work though and I ultimately was gone from home 15 hours a day and I still needed mom to watch her for me while I was gone so she could at least go to the bathroom.  Looking back I would have bought a house instead of an apartment (that's a whole different story and reason for that decision). 
I think one positive thing I noticed is that two weeks after I moved in the apartment, they had poured fresh concrete next to my front door and didn't tell me about it.  My daughter and Bear went upstairs and walked all over that wet concrete before I got up there and realized it. LOL.  Now I have my fur baby and my daughters foot prints and paw prints all over my front porch.
I wonder if God had a special design and he knew what he was doing when that happened.  He planned just so because he knew this was coming and it was only a matter of time.

I pray I see my baby again, I love and miss her like crazy.  God bless you and your Idaho and I hope you are able to find peace.
Casey
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Idahosmom
Lavendar, Spenny's mom and Bear's mom. Thank you for sharing. Warm embrace to you all. I'm so glad to have found you guys, this forum. You "get" me. Not many people do. Thank you.
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Spennys_Mom
Idaho's Mom, please try not to feel guilty. I know, easier said than done. You gave Idaho the best life possible and the best of yourself. That is something you should feel good about. Idaho came to teach you to live animals rather than fear. It seems you learned the lesson well. In the meantime, cry as long and as loud as you need to. I have been surprised at how furiously I cry and literally scream when the grief overcomes me. It is much deeper than when I have list human friends and family members. I think it may be because there are no strings attached with dogs. No grudges, arguments or hostilities. They only love one way...completely and unconditionally.
Spenny's Mom
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Idahosmom
It's 11:30 pm and I'm wide awake: not crying, but filled with what I can only describe as "peaceful sadness". Whatever this feeling is, it's a reprieve from the agonizing pain that I've been living with for the past 5 days.

Maybe tonight I will fall asleep without crying.
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jordanjada123
I Lost my Jordan 3 weeks ago. I cry every day , I am so sad I cant breath . I know your pain , your NOT alone.
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Idahosmom
Thank you Jordan's mom. It does help to know that I'm not alone.
I got a call from my sister (overseas) 2 nights ago. I told her about Idaho. We both ended up crying on the phone. She was very sad for me, as she knows that Idaho was my first baby and that he meant the world to me. We talked about her first dog Maxine and how devastated she was to lose her. The way she talked about Maxine, it was a though she died very recently; she was crying for her Maxine, her first baby who passed away over 10 years ago.

It was a week ago yesterday that my baby boy passed. Everyday, I look at his medication bag, his anti-inflammatory, his anti-nausea, etc. I hope and pray that he is in a place now where he no longer feels pain, no more nausea and vomiting, no more suffering.

Idaho, I wish you would let me know that you no longer have pain, that you're healthy and filled with joy. Please show me a sign. I need to know that you're in a better place, my love; no longer suffering. I will always worry about you.
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Smarti
I put my 9 year old beagle down last night. I am having bouts of sadness and guilt. I keep thinking maybe I should have treated him with chemo for his lymphoma. I keep thinking maybe I put him down too soon.the grief is overwhelming. This was the first dog I have ever had. I miss him terribly. It really hit me around mealtime because he loved his eating! He was a beautiful beagle named scout
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Smarti
jordanjada123 wrote:
I Lost my Jordan 3 weeks ago. I cry every day , I am so sad I cant breath . I know your pain , your NOT alone.


I feel your pain. I just put my beautiful, fun beagle down last night.
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Idahosmom
Smarti,
I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish I could tell you that the guilt is easy to overcome. I have found it difficult to forgive myself. I think that for people like us who love our dogs so much and want to do what's best for them, there will always be some degree of guilt. If you had chosen to put him through chemo, would he have had a good qualify of life? Did you choose instead to make sure he didn't have to experience any of the bad side effects of the treatment? We're on the same boat. We'll always wonder, "I should have", "I could have", "if only I had....". Just know that what we're feeling is normal. Keep sharing your thoughts and feelings in this forum. It helps me; it'll help you, too.
I'm sure Scout loved you to pieces too.
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Idahosmom

I brought my Idahoboy home yesterday. I cried when they handed him to me and for the rest of the day, until I fell asleep. My baby boy, the love of my life, the most influential being in my life, was placed in such a small box, a small, plain box. It made me angry. He deserved so much more. Nonetheless, I held that box so tightly as I cried my eyes out, crying for him, begging him to come back. 


Idaho,
I miss you very, very much. Your Papa misses you, too. We're so glad that you're back home with us. I still cry a lot, especially when I'm in your favorite place, the backyard. I keep hoping to see you there, or at least a sign of you. I hope the time comes when being in the backyard makes me happy again. And even then, it will never be the same. I will never be as happy as I was with you by my side. I will keep you close. We'll be together again, my love and I'll bring your frisbee. I love you.

 
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