Homura
I love Paolina... I cannot believe she is gone... She was almost 13, tortie kitty. She had growths for a couple of years but never showed much of an issue. Eventually though, she seemed really bothered and I took her to some hospitals. I found a great one with great reviews and I trusted the people there. So her exams were all good but later the vet had notice that she had lost weight.

The surgery was successful and once Paolina got released, she seemed so happy. She was receiving some antibiotics for a few days. After 5 days or so... She started acting weird. She was not able to balance well and would walk around, putting her head in corners or in her food bowl. I took her to the vet and did not find anything but said her behaviour was weird. The symptoms worsened and she became neurological. I remember the last day she could not move and did not eat and when I put her in her carrier, she would lay there. I checked in with another vet at that hospital, so she thought there is either some tumour somewhere in her spine or brain. So they rushed me to emergency and the vet there told me she thinks she had some inner cancer or brain tumor. She explained me in case of brain tumor, it is fatal pretty much. I went ahead and hospitalize her and after a few hours she had a seizure. She passed away about 6 hours after...

I blame myself, I feel like that surgery was the fault. I have not eaten in 2 days, I am scared to stay alone and I throw out the water I drink. I was so used in her presence and sleeping with her...

Tomorrow I have to decide whether to bury her or ashes... Will the second option bring her closer to me? I love Paolina, I wanted to save her, I had only her...
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Iwalt22
I'm so sorry for your loss. I know the pain of losing your friend that means so much to you. I had my Apollo cremated at my local Humane Society. He has an urn with his picture on it that I keep near his favorite nap spot. I believe that was the right choice for me. When the time comes I will spread ashes. I believe it is helping me to say goodbye.

There are many people here who understand what you are going through.

Know that noyhing that happened was your fault. You only wanted what was best for your Paolina. In a perfect world our little friends would be with us forever. But as everyone here knows we only get to experience that wonderful relationship we have with our pets for a short while.

Big hugs and peace to you. Try to eat something. The first few days are the hardest part. It will hurt less in time.
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Homura
Thank you.

I have lost appetite third day in a row. I feel so haunted. At work I keep crying. I consider myself a sinner...
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catiebee
Hi Homura. I'm very sorry for your loss of Paolina and I understand the feeling of losing the one closest to you on the planet. It's terribly hard, the emotional pain is excruciating.

It sounds like emotions affect your tummy. I ate smoothies for a few days after my loss--those seemed to help the nausea, but it sounds like you're having trouble even with water. If you continue to struggle, you might see a doctor for medicine to help calm your stomach.

I am so sorry something unexpected and awful happened to her after the surgery and that she suddenly declined and passed. My girl was expected to live much longer than she did and some kind of neurological symptoms intervened and I lost her. It is not your fault for trying the surgery. We did the best we could to save our dearest friends. Gosh, they leave the hugest holes in our hearts, though. 

I'm glad you found your way to the forum and I hope knowing that others understand will help some. You're not alone here. Much comfort to you!
Catie
-Missing Marissa deeply
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Homura
I am a bad person that I could not save her. I cannot save anyone. I deserve to suffer. Everyone is gone.
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Homura
Yet I see people who are always surrounded by people and are happy and I cannot. My only person was taken, I am ALONE again.
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Iwalt22
It is natural to feel alone, feel guilty and even want to punish yourself. It is difficult to see others going about their lives seemingly without any worries while you are experiencing tremendous pain.

You are not alone though. There are many here who will help you get through this difficult time.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. Death is a natural part of life. It is painful but it is the one experience every single creature in existence will experience.

It is unavoidable. Perhaps there was a very specific series of events that could have happened to extend Paolina's life but there was no way for you to know them.

You may wish to punish yourself but absolutely no one, including Paolina world want you to be in pain.

Try going back and looking at old pictures to remember happy times. Watch a movie. Try to get some exercise. A run or brisk walk can do wonders to get your biochemistry back in balance. You have, in a very real sense, experienced trauma and your mind and body don't know how to handle it.

It will just take time for the pain to lesson and you are in the worst part of the experience right now.

Keep hanging in there and be good to yourself.
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dukey8101
Hi Homura, So sorry about your loss of paolina. I know it hurt's so much. It will get better in time, it will still hurt but you will learn how to cope with it. It is not your fault that Paolina was sick, it just happens. Just remember the good times you had with her for 13 years. I lost my Dukey 3 years ago , it will be 3 years June 27. I still cry for him. I had him for 14 years ,he was my son. I was alone  too, I did not want another dog. I did not want to feel that hurt again when they pass. but my Son thought I would be happy with another dog, which he bought and now I have a Maltipoo, I got him when he was 8 weeks old, he is now 10 months. It is too soon now you must heal first, but later you can get another kitty. It won't replace Paolina, but it will ease some of your pain..I know the pain you are feeling, I could not eat or sleep. all I did was cry..If you can join us on Monday night candle light ceremony. you will meet so many people who are going thru what you are going thru. It starts at 9:00 pm est. I am from n.y. I don't know where you are located. It might help you feel better.. Hope to see you there..  A friend who cares Tina, Dukey and Halo.. Go on to the Rainbow bridge, first to get to the candle ceremony... hugs   xoxxoxo
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Snowfire
I'm alone too except my young crazy dog now. Missing my Timber so hard. It does get some better just take deep breaths and one day at a time. I had hard time eating so lived off smoothies.
When ready get another pet. Not the same , never the same but does help a lot to heal and help another one needing love.
I look at my dog and wonder if she will ever accept another cat like wish she would. She only wants the two gone now.
Much peace and healing to you. Don't blame yourself I try to remind myself that too. Guilt sucks.
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Homura
Thank you all for your replies. But no, I do not care about other pets. She was special. Was there when I had nobody. My only family passed away, with me unable to do anything and now I see the same happening to my beloved pet.

Earlier I bought a big white candle and incense for Paolina. The employee at the store heard my story and did not charge me for that. That was so kind.



I just accept solitude, I had too much loss within the last 4 years.
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Homura
This is my 4th day with no food... I need to suffer. I have to work and I cannot focus. I need to do something for Paolina...
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Iwalt22
Try to have a smoothie or a meal replacement shake. I didn't eat solid food for 3 days after I lost Apollo.

I understand you feel like you did something wrong and need to suffer but you really didn't do anything wrong and you don't deserve to suffer.

Healthy people, sick people, old and young die everyday. It's hard to accept that what you once had is gone forever.

But every day new life comes into the world as well. It can be a difficult cycle to accept but we do because we must.

Share a story about Paolina. Write her a letter. I started writing a letter to Apollo and an hour later I still had things to say.

Google "Death and Stoicism". The first 2 articles that come up are worth reading and have given me much comfort.

Take comfort that Paolina is waiting for you at the bridge, no pain, no sadness, just happy as can be.
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catiebee
Iwalt is right. I hope you will make the effort to eat regularly, even if that eating means drinking a milkshake or getting some Ensure. You do need to take care of yourself. It will not benefit Paolina for you to neglect yourself and your health.  If your depression is severe, I hope you will seek out help for it. You are worth taking care of.

Again, I'm truly sorry for your losses. I understand personally how hard it is to have your heart broken too many times. But please guard your life and your health.


Catie
-Missing Marissa deeply
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jennmary
Hi Homura,
I am so sorry for your loss. I just lost my tortie baby Jordan of 18 years. I know how you feel. She was my "roommate" and slept with me for 15 years. I am lost without her and all alone.

Homura, it is not your fault your baby got sick and had to leave. You did the best that you could with the information you had and I am sure you were the best kitty momma. Please eat and drink. Your kitty would not want you to suffer just like you didn't want her to suffer. It will take time and just try to be good to yourself. Try to talk to people and let it out and remember the special things about your kitty.

You are in my heart. Tortie's are very special 😉
-Jennie
JMS
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Homura
Thank you all for your support.

Still not feeling to eat. Just crying and hating others. My parents abandoned me. Father abandoned me because I was a female. Mother did not care, she preferred dating other men. My only relative died 4 years ago in a similar way like Paolina. My only lover abandoned me and said I am trash because I am not this certain race and a college student with a rich family. I tried to get close to other people and I am not being accepted, I get ignored or they try to hurt me. Only Paolina did accept me. I should not have put her under surgery. Or maybe she was not truly happy with me.
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