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lissalee

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Posts: 43
Reply with quote  #1 
Just two weeks ago today I had to say goodbye to my beloved boy Zakky. He went downhill rapidly within a day and late afternoon we had to let him go as he was unable to breathe properly. 

It is all a blur to me. The vet had him under sedation and ultrasound. She said there's something in his heart, probably a tumour. I don't remember this but my fiance said we were told it was bleeding inside the heart. The heart couldn't function properly and there was a lot of fluid around it and around his lungs. 

The last fortnight has been a complete nightmare. Zakky was at least 12, I don't know his real age as he was a rescue cat and I had him for the last 5 years of his life. In that time he beat off colitis, diabetes, arthritis flare ups, and osteomyelitis. 

In January he had a urine infection we treated with antibiotics. A couple of weeks before that, his white blood cell count had been very high. The vet did other tests and ruled out anything sinister, and said it was 'just one of those things'. Sometimes that can happen for no reason. 

He had a tiny lump on his leg which I noticed a few days before he died. It was not painful, was smaller than a pea, and was under the skin and could move around. I remembered vaguely finding a lump on his leg years ago, which I promptly forgot about. Thousands of cuddles later and numerous vet visits, this lump was never noticed again until that last week. 

I now torture myself that this was cancer that I failed to get checked out, and somehow it ended up in his heart. I was very vigilant with his health. The day before his breathing went bad he had NO symptoms of any illness whatsoever. He was happy, eating, drinking, getting around fine with just some slowing down on the stairs which we put down to his arthritis (He had supplements for years to help with that). 

I feel I was negligent with this leg lump. WHY didn't I get it checked out years ago? My other half says perhaps it was a different lump that I found this time around. It doesn't make sense I never felt it again for years, since he was almost always in my arms. 

I'm hoping someone here knows something about heart tumours in cats - what causes them, why I didn't notice anything was wrong with him. And most of all, was it my fault? Could I have stopped it? The guilt is destroying me. 
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Memories_of_Marmalade

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Posts: 272
Reply with quote  #2 

I am so sorry for what your beloved and you went through.

You had no idea what the lump was. Humans get little bumps too. A small bump which disappears. It could have been anything. A bug bite. Some cartilage. A pimple. And as you said, the Vets did not do anything about it either. Cancer has a way of moving very quickly. In us and in cats. If you had chosen to get your cat treated? Would you have used chemo? There are all kinds of horror stories posted here on the Grief forums about making that choice. We chose it for our cat Dusty years ago, and it was a terrible choice we made. We never should have done it. We learned a valuable lesson about preventing unnecessary pain & suffering at the end of a cats life. We should have put her down sooner. We spent 4K trying to save her and in the end all we did was extend her pain & suffering. 

Please try and be gentle with yourself and continue to travel through time. Your body and mind has a built in healing factor. Just allow it to work, and soon you will predominately remember only the good times and memories with your cat. XO
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TheJackal300

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Reply with quote  #3 
I hate to hear about your amazing boy Zakky. He sounds like quite the little fighter. No matter how strong they are we always have to say good-bye to them before we're ready. I don't know anything about cancer in cats but I heard the vet say "just one of those things" before. If the vet rules out anything sinister, how could you have known? I am so sorry for your loss.
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