JulieF
I have had my black and white Tuxy cat for 19-years.  His name was Patch because he had a white patch on the right side of his face.  He had thyroid disease for about 4 - 5 years, but about 3 months ago, he was diagnosed with kidney disease.  He had started getting thin (he was always a lean kitty) and not grooming himself.  I knew time was limited so I tried to make sure he had food he liked and gave him special attention (I have two other cats as well).  Every morning, he would sit on my lap before I would get ready to go to work while I had my bible study and watched the news (or something more uplifting).  On Sunday he seemed fine, but through the night he started to vomit violently.  I felt so helpless - all I could do was watch.  The next morning I found other evidence of his illness.  He was so listless and did not want to eat.  At that point, I would have given anything to have more time with him but I knew he was dying.  I had to make to tough decision to put him down.  However, because of what is going on, my vet was working on a limited staff and might not have been able to get him in until the following day.  I did not want him to suffer so I took him to our humane society who are good people.  My regret is that I was not able to be with him in his final minutes.  But I told him I loved him - I know he knew.  I just can't get it out of my head that I should have tried harder to get him into another vet, but thought I might be unable to because of COVID.  Anyway, thanks for reading the rather long missive.  This night has been very had.  Many nights he would snuggle with me in bed and I no longer have that. He was my special boy and saw me through 3 bouts of cancer and a divorce.  I have this huge empty place in my heart that I am not sure will ever heal.  How do I make the pain go away?
 
Quote 2 0
Pisiciul
Dear JulieF,

I feel your pain, hun. I'm so sorry you had to go through this  It is always difficult and never a good time to say good bye, but you took the right decision. Your boy had a wonderful life with you and he knows that. 

I wish I could tell you that pain goes with time, but I can't. You will cry less and less, you will learn to smile again, but our babies take pieces of our hearts  when they go. And that cannot be healed. We can try to live with the missing piece and cherish the memory of the dear furry babies of ours.

Normally, I'd share my story but I can't this time. I just can't write  and live again the terrible moment of loosing my blue eyed boy forever.There are good days and there are bad days when you only want to cry. This is my bad day.

Please be strong, you need it a lot these days. And feel free to come to this forum anytime you need support or advice. We are all brokenhearted parents here and we understand. Hugs 
Pisiciul
Quote 0 0
JulieF
Thank you Pisiciul!  This forum has been very helpful and your words meant so much.  What a beautiful baby you had.  Big hugs to you.
Quote 0 0
greenbeagle
I am so, so sorry about your boy. I'm sending  my 19 year old girl, Hobbes, Home today at 1:00p. She is all I have left - nobody else. Going to be the hardest good-bye. I don't know how I'm going to get through this. I was hoping I would go before her. Trying to live without her in my life scares me more than this virus.... 💔😢
Quote 0 0
JulieF
I am so sorry about your Hobbes.  I understand the heartache and I will be praying for you and everyone else on this forum.  We are all sharing in this together and it makes it a little more bearable.  There is really nothing I can tell you to make it easier since it is still fresh for me.  The grief comes in waves.  Sometimes, things seem easier - particularly since I am still able to go to work (what a blessing).  I hate coming home because Patch is not here.  I have two other cats, but he was my first and my special boy.  I see him everywhere, and that is difficult - the chairs he liked to sleep in, his sweet face.  I am sending big hugs your way.
Quote 0 0
JulieF
Hey "buddy" - that was my name for you.  Along with Patchy and lover-bug.  I hope you are doing ok.  I wanted to thank you for the sign you and God sent to me that afternoon.  I was sitting outside in the sun and you know the little pond we have out back?  Well, we have a few fish and the Osprey always circle overhead but they never seem to catch anything.  But as I was sitting there I heard a 'splash'.  I looked up and there was this magnificent Osprey flying out of the pond with a fish in his talons.  I think you were telling me you were ok.  I miss you.  I love you.
Quote 1 0
Bigcatsdad
I'm so sorry for your loss of Patch.
Ten weeks ago we made the painful decision to put down my best bud, my big black cat Albert, he was 16. Not a day has gone by that I don't miss him so terribly much. It's such a painful and heart breaking decision to have to put our little ones to sleep but deep down inside we know it is right to not prolong their pain and to end their suffering. You were not with Patch when he passed but he knows what you did was because you loved him and didn't want him to suffer You gave him a good life and loving home for nineteen years and he knows that too. When we have to say goodbye to our little furry ones it leaves such an empty void and it hurts so much. Grieving all takes time and it takes time to heal a broken heart but we never forget the little ones that were so close to us, form such a strong bond and touch our souls. I hope over time once your heart break begins to slowly ease up you can remember the good and happy memories of Patch and that can bring you a little comfort and that now he is in a better place and no longer in pain. He is painfree and happy playing with all of the other little ones we lost at the Rainbow Bridge.
This forum is really good and has helped me so much. I hope it helps you too.
My heart goes out to you.
-Jeff
Bigcatsdad
Quote 0 0
JulieF
Jeff, Thank you for your kind words.  I spent the other day writing down all the great things I remembered about my "boy" and looking at pictures.  It really helped - so has a little time and reflection.  I am sorry about your Albert.  16 years is a long time and I am sure you miss him a lot.  A very good friend pointed out to me that part of the loneliness is because we spent so much time caring for them - particularly if they were ill, as was Patch - giving them their meds, cleaning up after them, that now that we have a big hole of time every day.  So finding a way to fill that void is important.  Thanks again for caring enough to reach out.  Bless you. 
Quote 0 0
Memories_of_Marmalade
Dear Julia,

I am so sorry to read of the loss of your beloved boy "Patch." You can so easily tell how much you loved, cherished and adored him and I have no doubt that throughout his long life that he knew and appreciated your love, kindness and adoration. All cats should be so blessed.

I can relate to your "Patch" being with you through thick and thin during challenging times in your life. My cat "Marmalade" did the same for me. He was loving, loyal, devoted and true. And never abanonded me, even though he was a street cat and not used to a domesticated life. But he adapted and kept me company through some of the most difficult and dark times of my life. Including our 3 1/2 month road trip from New Mexico where our paths first crossed to Los Angeles, where I had come from.

These days during the Covid19 pandemic are obviously very difficult for those with pets that may be ill or dying as you experienced. As even the 24 Hour Animal Hospitals are most likely not allowing pet parents in to their facilities due to the risks involved. So even if you had found another option? You would have most likely not have been allowed into the facility.

I'm sorry for what Patch and you had to endure but I am glad that you had the strength and courage needed to help him to pass away without going through more pain and suffering. As the saying goes:

"When we put our pets to sleep, we agree to take their pain and suffering onto ourselves, and then we process it through our grief. That is the bargain that we make."

This is what you did. It is what I did. It is what so many here have had to do.

When my boy "Marmalade" passed away, I swore that I would never, not ever have another pet again as long as I lived. My pain, grief, guilt, remorse and regret was so overwhelming. But late one night I was escorting a cat named "Cherry" home, whom I had never met before to a neighbors (Cherry lead me to her house) that I had came across in an alley. Upon arriving to the house of the family that had adopted her just a few days before, I saw a little black & white Tux cat kitten dart in front of me under a parked car. I asked the neighbors "who is that?" And they said they "didn't know." That the kitten "had showed up out of nowhere." I warned the neighbors about some recent coyote attacks that had occured in our neighborhood and they said that they had just lost a cat the week prior, and didn't know what had happened to her. A 14 year old cat I had nicknamed "Cow Cat" due to her coloring like a cow. She was most likely a victim of a coyote attack.

Sadly the neighbors did not heed my advice and "Cherry" was taken by a coyote the following night. She had just been adopted from an ASPCA. The family felt terrible and posted up signs, but they knew what had most likely happened to "Cherry." They did not know what happened to the Tux kitten. But as I was walking to my office a block away, there was the kitten. It was running about a foilage covered street corner area where a feral stray rescue friend would feed the cats each night. It darted away and took up residence at an abandoned house a few buildings down from my office. And so I began to feed it. It had a little black mustache under it's nose. The kitten would cry to me whenever I walked by and I would feed it and bring it water and milk. I saw it playing one day by itself. Just trying to entertain itself in front of the abandoned house. It didn't know I was watching as it darted about all excited and would run up and down the stairs of the house and then climb a tree in the garden area out front. There was no way I was going to be able to catch the kitten it was so fast even at such a young age. And I knew the clock was ticking with it becoming more and more feral.

Well that kitten somehow found it's way into a skunk cage that was stored on the property under a parked trailer (which was set to trap even though there was no food in the cage) and captured itself. As I walked by the kitten cried out for "HELP!" I thought to myself "Okay, it's now or never" and decided to foster the kitten before it became to feral. I brought it back to my office. The kitten had been bitten twice (most likely by the same coyote that had killed the kitten's friend "Cherry"), on his back, and hind quarters. The latter required staples to close (which I had done at a local animal hospital) but the wounds healed up well.

I named the kitten (he was a little boy) "KID" after the classic silent movie "The Kid" (about an orphan child) starring Charlie Chaplin (due to the kitten's little black mustache) and needless to say "KID" quickly captured my heart. He turned into the perfect blessing. He brought me immediate laughs and smiles which I thought were impossible with his silly and youthful antics. As the weeks went by I decided to adopt "KID" and I can not imagine what fate may have awaited him on the street had I not done so. He was so desperate for a friend and love as I was. I'm so grateful that our paths crossed when they did.

They say TUX cats are magic and this has proven to be the case. As I am sure your cat "Patch" was also magical.

I hope you continue to travel through time and heal and that soon only your very fondest and most cherished memories of your "Patch" come to mind whenever you think of him.

My kindest regards & sincerest condolences,
James
Quote 0 0
JulieF
James - Thank you so much for your post and your kind words.  It meant a lot.  I loved reading about how you saved Kid, although I think he was meant to be your boy.  I also rescued my Patch as a feral kitten and I can tell you he ended up being the smartest cat (we played fetch) with a huge personality.  They are special.  I hope you and Kid have a very long, wonderful life together.  I am smiling now just thinking about it.  You saved each other.
Quote 0 0
chilover
JulieF 

I am so so sorry to hear about the loss of your beloved patch. You were both so blessed to have had one another and you gave him a wonderful life. Coming home without them there to greet us is always so difficult, I lived alone with my furbaby. I lost her - my beloved Chihuahua 'Daisy' to k/d & she became so weak & lifeless & I had to let her go. She became confused & seeing her tiny, 2kilo little body ripped me apart. She & I were a team & formed such a magical bond! I am not the same person anymore..Please don't beat yourself up by thinking that you should have tried harder by getting your boy to another vet, like James said 'you would have most likely not have been allowed into the facility'. I am glad that you told your boy that you loved him..You clearly have so many beautiful memories to cherish & I too am writing down lots of memories of my baby, into a scrapbook. The memories we can cherish, forever in our hearts which is where they will always be...I hope that you keep coming here for support. 

Sending  you comfort & peace
Angelina
(Daisy's mummy)
Quote 0 0
JulieF
Angelina - Thank you for your kind words.  I am so sorry for the loss of your Daisy - I know how painful that was and my heart goes out to you and everyone else on this forum.  She was so lucky to have a mummy like you and your memories will last a lifetime.

Sending comfort and hugs,

Julie
Quote 0 0
JulieF
Well, today marks two weeks since I had to let you go over the rainbow bridge.  You gave me 19 wonderful years of love and laughs.  My sweet boy, I am sorry we did not have more time together and I could not be with you at the very end.  I told you how much I loved you and held you until I could not any more.  Even now, as I sit and have my morning coffee before work you would have been on my lap.  I miss those times together so much.  If I had one wish, it would be that you would live forever - or at least as long as I do.  But, one of the great joys of having a pet also comes with the great sadness of having to say goodbye to them before we are ready.  I miss you.  The house does not seem right.  You "sister" Roxy has not been the same - hiding more and just seems depressed.  I am trying my best to give her tons of love, but since she is a cat, she does what she wants.  I know she misses you - if you were still here she would be beside us for our "coffee" time.  I miss your big personality - always talking back when I scolded you for counter surfing.  Christmas will not be the same.  You thought you were a present and would love to sleep under the tree (you were a present - one of the best gifts I have ever had).  I miss you, I miss you, I miss you.  The pain has slowly, in tiny increments, become less intense - not gone away, just not as acute.  I can't wait until things get back to normal and I can go to the humane society for my volunteer work with the cats.  I know that will help (but also make me sad).  If I could go back 5 years when you were healthy - but time moves forward.  I just pray as I go through this week, I can reflect on our times together with more joy than sadness.  I am trying had not to beat myself up over your last night.  I tried to do the best for you.  Shoulda, coulda, woulda - I have had many people who had knowledge of the situation tell me I made the right decision - doesn't feel like it.  But to what end?  Another 24 hours for you not to feel good?  Your kidney disease had clearly gotten to the point where it was only a matter of time - I just was not ready.  I would never have been ready.  

I love you my boy and I miss you.  You were my special boy, Patch.  I hope one day I will be able to hold you in my lap again.

Your loving mommy.
Quote 0 0