It all started Saturday, I came home from dinner to find my 14 year old pug gasping for air, falling over and a blue tongue...I rushed him to an animal hospital. He was intubated ..I was told he had pneumonia and his temp was 107 degrees.
The Dr told me they would keep him for the night to see if they could clear up the pneumonia at a cost of $3k a night. I sat there for what seemed like days, going back and forth on what quality of life he would have even if the pneumonia cleared up. Who was I to play God...He was 14, deaf, his back legs hardly worked , he has had seizures since he was 5 and on 4 different medicines...I would have spent every last penny I had if I could take him home with a good life expectancy, but I knew that wouldn't happen, so I stopped all medical procedures.
They unhooked him from all tubes and brought him to me so I could hold him, he took his last breath in my arms.
I am beyond heartbroken. I haven't stopped crying, everything I look at reminds me of him. I feel like I will never be the same. I haven't stopped beating myself up about having him put to sleep...maybe I should have done more. I'm beating myself up that I wasn't home with him when he was struggling.
Please tell me this gets easier...
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Jennifer I’m so sorry! How incredibly sad I know you’re in such awful pain.
I can’t tell you it gets easier anytime soon, it doesn’t. But you’ve made a really good step in coming here, soo many kind understanding people who are going through the same awful pain. You’re not alone, your feelings are normal. They are so very important to us and our lives change without them.
You did do the right thing though. He seems to have had a lot of preexisting physical obstacles and the likelihood of him ever being the same with a body temp that high was slim. I know you feel guilty not being there when it started but how do we know these things? We don’t
You were with him holding and loving him for his last breath and he knew he was in his Mommy’s arms. You lifted him up, you didn’t have him put down.
His body was the vessel that contained his sweet spirit. Like your love for him will never die, neither will his spirit.🐾
Lynn, Tankie’s mom, forever
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I am so sorry you are having to go on this journey. Lynn's post is beautiful, I really can't add much. I just wanted to let you know that you should not feel guilty, it was his time, he had fought a long battle and you did the best you could. By letting him go, you showed the deepest love possible, please give yourself room to grieve, let go of the guilt when you can and know that your little pug is free and healthy and happy. He will be waiting for you for that awesome reunion day. Blessings to you.
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I'm so sorry for your loss. I love pugs, they are so adorable, especially yours!

The grieving is so incredibly difficult. I lost my best friend Abby last week and it truly is so painful. Even when you know that there was nothing more you could do and that you made the right decision to relieve them of their suffering, it's hard to let the feelings of guilt creep in. I totally understand how you feel. Abby was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer and died about 6 weeks after we found out she had it. By the time we noticed that she wasn't herself, it was too late. I often feel guilty about not noticing it sooner, wishing that we had caught it at a point where we could have treated it but she really did hide all of her symptoms. There were also times towards the end where I would panic about not doing enough for her, maybe if I had taken her for more visits there could have been some sort of treatment that still could have been done, but deep down I know there wasn't anything else I could do. 

Nothing really helps with the pain, but I have found comfort in writing letters to her about how I am doing and how much I miss her. I also sometimes imagine her sitting next to me while I'm watching tv, or cooking...and I do talk to her a little bit. While I do believe she is with me in spirit, these actions make it feel a bit more real to me. 
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Oh my gosh, I am so sorry.  He was in your arms when he took his last breath and that's a lot.  We can't win in situations like that so please don't beat yourself up.  I love my dogs more than i love myself but I think I would have done the same.  Does he have any good days left or not, if the answer is no then bring him to me so I can hold him in my arms and let him go.  I'm sorry, my heart goes out to you.
Mom to Penny and Charlie
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I am so sorry for your loss. Everyone has said everything better than I can, but please know I'm thinking of you. Hugs❤
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Thank you everyone for the kind words...they really helped. I know it will eventually get easier...but right now, I feel like I'm falling apart. 💔🐕
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I’m so sorry for your loss. My experience has been that time dulls the pain but it does not go away. Sometimes you’re going to feel like you’re on a roller coaster of emotions but it’s all normal. This forum has helped me so much as I can express my feelings and everyone is so understanding. I hope you continue to post and tell us more about your beautiful baby.
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