MurphysMom_0831
Hi,

I found your forum yesterday after the worst day of my life and I need help. My beloved golden retriever, Murphy, went to the Rainbow Bridge at 3:20 PM yesterday, having been in an animal specialty hospital for 13 days. Back a few weeks ago, he started eating less and less. My local vet ran a ton of tests and couldn't determine what was causing it, so they switched him to a prescription diet as his kidney tests were somewhat high. After that, Murphy wouldn't eat at all and wasn't drinking much. We were sent to the animal specialty hospital on June 6 where they admitted him, inserted IV's, ran tons of tests, did ultrasounds, x-rays, etc. and whatever it was still wasn't showing itself. On June 12, they decided the only way to figure it out was to do exploratory surgery and biopsy everything while inserting a PEG tube for feeding. I didn't want to do it because I was afraid either he wouldn't survive the surgery, or there would be complications and he would never come home again. The biopsies came back negative, but they found a tremendous case of pancreatitis. On Monday the 16th, I was finally allowed to go and visit him as he wasn't doing well. He walked in the quiet room where I was waiting and lay down beside me. They brought me a blanket so I could lie on the floor with him. The spark was gone from his eyes. However, the next morning when the vet called, Murphy had perked up, was barking, very alert, asking to go outside to go potty, and drank a bunch of water for the first time since he had been admitted. He also held down all his tube feeds. They said as long as he continued this same improvement, he would come home today! I was so excited! When the vet called me yesterday morning, he said he really wanted him to come home today but was more cautious. However, at 2:30 PM he called back, and said Murphy had taken a very bad turn and I needed to get down there immediately. I drove as fast as I could. They put me in the quiet room and brought Murphy in on a cart because he couldn't walk or lift his head. I spent about 1/2 hour talking to and loving him, then the vet came in and put him to sleep with me holding his sweet face, caressing his beautiful golden locks, and talking and looking into his eyes until he was no more. I stayed with him afterwards for another 1/2 hour. I just can't accept this. I feel incredibly guilty for allowing him to be tortured with surgery when I had fears of it in the first place, feeding tubes, needle sticks, etc., not knowing where Momma was or why she wasn't coming to take him home. I told the doctors repeatedly I didn't want Murphy to die there no matter which way things went, and that's exactly what happened. I love Murphy more than I have ever loved in my entire life and just don't know what to do. I talk to him and beg him to forgive me and not think I abandoned him. The only solace I have is that I was with him at the end and he knew it. My grief is overwhelming me.    [030_zpsc4d8d80c] 
"Sometimes there is a dog who is so special, he is able to wrap himself so completely around your heart it is impossible to tell where you begin and he ends."  For My Beloved Murphy, 08/31/2004 - 06/18/2014


http://rainbowsbridge.com/residents/MURPH121/Resident.htm


http://s327.photobucket.com/user/kathrynbrown1626/library/?sort=6&page=1
Quote 0 0
kerynm
I am so sorry for your loss, I am crying today too because my lovely Luna crossed the bridge one year ago and I miss her every single day.  You did not fail Murphy, you did the best you could and tried when others would have given up...that takes a special kind of courage.  You did not let him down, you were there with him holding him at the end and that is all that mattered to him.  You were with him when it really mattered.

It gets better with time.  I remember being so raw for a while that I did not go anywhere.  Then, I took her food dish and put in soil and flowers to remember her by.  I still have Luna's Garden on my porch so it is the first thing I see when I leave every day.  I had to clean a spot off the carpet and when I bent down I could still smell her on the rug, even after a year!  Let yourself feel what you need to.  I beg you not to be so hard on yourself, you came and spent his last minutes with him, that is more precious than all the gold in the world and that is what he will remember.

Be as easy as you can and know that this is a good place to find comfort when others don't understand.

Keryn
Quote 0 0
MurphysMom_0831
Thank you for writing back to me. I honestly don't know what to do with myself. I've had dogs throughout my life, all of which were loved, but there has never been one like Murphy. He and I are one individual, one soul, one being. The grief is getting worse by the day. It feels as though this is a terrible nightmare and I'll wake up and Murphy will be lying next to me again. How do you make it through this horror? My heart is broken and empty, and all I do is cry and sometimes scream, still begging Murphy to forgive me and know how incredibly much I love him. It just never should have happened this way. He should have been home where he felt safe and content, instead of that horrible hospital. I wish I had been allowed to visit him more often so he wouldn't wonder why I wasn't there. My house is full of Murphy; his bed, bowls, treats, toys, medicines, and I don't want to move or change a thing, as if he'll come walking through the door wagging his tail and jumping up on me, or lying down and raising his leg so I can rub his belly which he loved the most. I don't know how to even function without him as he was always right by my side, no matter what I did. It seems the whole world just stopped on Wednesday at 3:20 PM, and my heart along with it.

"Sometimes there is a dog who is so special, he is able to wrap himself so completely around your heart it is impossible to tell where you begin and he ends."  For My Beloved Murphy, 08/31/2004 - 06/18/2014


http://rainbowsbridge.com/residents/MURPH121/Resident.htm


http://s327.photobucket.com/user/kathrynbrown1626/library/?sort=6&page=1
Quote 0 0
MurphysMom_0831
Well Murphy, it's now been 2 days since you went to the Rainbow Bridge. My sorrow and pain has not lessened at all. I still cry all day, scream at times, and can't understand why this had to happen. You deserved so much more. You are the love of my life, and I don't know what to do without you. I miss you lying on the floor next to me so I can rub your soft belly. I miss you sitting next to my desk while I work. I miss you barking when you hear the car in the driveway, and then running to the door to greet me whenever I've had to go out. I miss you in the back seat when I take you with me somewhere. The house is so quiet and lonely. Grady, your birdie, still makes her barking sound looking for you. Your little brother Spencer doesn't understand why you aren't here. All the neighbors have asked about you, and I've had to tell them the horrible news. They all miss seeing your on our walks and protecting their houses with your big bark. It's so lonely, Murphy. I'm so terribly sorry about the way this turned out, I'm so sorry for letting them put you through all that misery and pain. I'm so sorry you couldn't come home for your last days or hours. But I'm thankful I was with you when you went to the Rainbow Bridge and could see you through your last moments on earth. You are my beloved Momma's baby boy, and my love for you will never, ever cease. I can't wait see you at the Rainbow Bridge; be sure to look for me! I love you, my darling boy. You made my life so happy and complete, and showed me how much love I truly have in my now broken heart. I love you!!
May 2014 003.JPG 

"Sometimes there is a dog who is so special, he is able to wrap himself so completely around your heart it is impossible to tell where you begin and he ends."  For My Beloved Murphy, 08/31/2004 - 06/18/2014


http://rainbowsbridge.com/residents/MURPH121/Resident.htm


http://s327.photobucket.com/user/kathrynbrown1626/library/?sort=6&page=1
Quote 0 0
MurphysMom_0831
Hi Murphy,

Dr. Stewart called me to say how sorry he is that I lost you. I talked to him about my feelings and my guilt, and he told me he would have advised me to do the same things that were done at the hospital. He said if I hadn't agreed to go all the way, I would have wondered for the rest of my life if you could have been saved. He told me how much everyone at the clinic loves you and misses you already. You and I normally would have gone to him yesterday for your Percortin injection, and the staff would have been loving on you as they always did. That gave me a little bit of peace, as did someone else telling me that home isn't a house, it isn't a back yard, it's Momma, and wherever Momma is, you are home, and that when I talked to you, held you and loved you for those last final minutes, you were home because Momma was there. I so hope that is true.

The days are getting harder and the nights are even worse. Without you lying by me with me rubbing your belly, I'm just lost. I'm sleeping with your collar, but I'm still on the couch where we always went to sleep. I love you so much. You certainly were my entire world, Murphy.
"Sometimes there is a dog who is so special, he is able to wrap himself so completely around your heart it is impossible to tell where you begin and he ends."  For My Beloved Murphy, 08/31/2004 - 06/18/2014


http://rainbowsbridge.com/residents/MURPH121/Resident.htm


http://s327.photobucket.com/user/kathrynbrown1626/library/?sort=6&page=1
Quote 0 0
kerynm
Keep on writing, I know how much it helps.  Make it through a week and then you can get through another one.  Home is where you keep your heart and Murphy knows where home is.  Scream, cry, do whatever you need to do.  Eventually you will feel better, not good or whole but better.  Hang in there.

Also, consider doing a tribute to Murphy at the Monday night Candlelighting Ceremony.  It really helped me to convey my grief while others conveyed theirs and we were in tune with each others' pain, if just for those minutes.  It helped me to move on and I will be there Monday night as Luna's one year anniversary was this week.  

Keryn
Quote 0 0
Bellamum
Murphy's Mom,
I read your posts with tears in my eyes.  I am so sorry that you had to say goodbye to your dearly loved boy, Murphy.  I know exactly how you are feeling.  So much of what you wrote described my feelings 11 weeks and 2 days ago when I had to make the same decision you made for Murphy for my gorgeous beagle, Bella.  Everything you are feeling and thinking is perfectly normal.  I can remember when we lost Bella I was questioning my extreme emotions and my thoughts and I began to wonder if I was "losing it".  Coming onto this site was so important for my grieving process and it helped me realise that I was perfectly normal.  The people on this site truly understand because they are all living it too.
Be proud of yourself for being able to ignore your own desire to keep Murphy with you, to focus only on his need to be relieved of his suffering.  You gave him the most loving gift you could ever give him.  He knows how much you love him and he would know that everything you did was for him.
I think it is wonderful that your usual vet was able to reassure you that everything you did was the right thing to do.  Our lovely vet did that for me too.  After I had his reassurance that we did the right thing I was able to let go of my guilt and then grieve properly for Bella.  The guilty feelings make the grieving so much worse.
I noticed that you come on here to write to Murphy.  I do that too and it has helped me so much.  I love being able to feel that I can still "talk to her" and it allows us to get our feelings out.  It also gives us an opportunity to let other people know just how special Murphy and Bella were and how much they mean to us....kind of like paying tribute to them.
I wish you peace and healing.
Take care.
Karen
(Bella and Charli's very lucky mum)
"You were once by our side, but you will be forever in our hearts. Until we meet again baby girl."
Karen
(Bella, Charli and Buddy's very lucky mum)

My gorgeous girl, Bella  26/07/2004 - 03/04/2014
"You were once by our side, but you will be forever in our hearts. Until we meet again baby girl."
Quote 0 0
MurphysMom_0831
Hi Murphy,

I finally went out of the house today for a short while. I just hate having to go out and then come home without you here to greet me so happily, bouncing up and down and asking for a little treat. It was our ritual. It's very hot and has been raining a lot. You weren't too wild about the rain! Last night when I went to bed on our couch, I could smell you on your side of the couch and it made me feel so good. You know how I've always loved your scent. I slept with your collar again. Today in the mail was a lovely sympathy card from Dr. Runde at the hospital. He said he was so sorry about losing you, and that he felt really awful that he could not save you for me. I know you touched his heart; he told me that after you had gone to the Rainbow Bridge. He had become attached to you after so many days of heroic measures, and he knew how much I absolutely cherish you. The people at doggie daycare gave me cards as well. Everyone loves you, Murphy, most of all me. Life will never be the same. I still don't know what to do with myself; maybe starting back to work next week and immersing myself in it will be a bit of a distraction, though it will be awful to know you're not lying by my side here in the Florida room. Grady your Birdie is still talking to you. She misses you, too. All the neighbors are asking about you. It's so difficult to tell them what has happened, and they are all so very sad. You were the talk of the neighborhood with your beautiful golden locks that flowed in the breeze.

I love and miss you so much it hurts, Murphy. I hope I can dream about you some night and see that you're waiting for me, happy and healthy again as you so deserve. Again, I'm so sorry about how everything turned out. If I could have taken it on myself to spare you, I would have gladly. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you, and I hope I did everything the way you would want, precious boy. You certainly were the light of my existence.

Good night for now, my little Poodle Doodle Doo. Stay beside me in spirit. I love you and miss you so terribly much.

Love,
Momma
"Sometimes there is a dog who is so special, he is able to wrap himself so completely around your heart it is impossible to tell where you begin and he ends."  For My Beloved Murphy, 08/31/2004 - 06/18/2014


http://rainbowsbridge.com/residents/MURPH121/Resident.htm


http://s327.photobucket.com/user/kathrynbrown1626/library/?sort=6&page=1
Quote 0 0
MurphysMom_0831
Hi Murphy,

It's Sunday already; in a little over 1/2 hour it will be 4 days since I last held and kissed you. The pain is just as bad as it was on Wednesday. The past few days it's been the mornings that are worst. I wake up and you're not here. I take Spencer to daycare, come home, and you're not here. Anytime I absolutely have to leave the house, I come home and you're not here. Your smiling face isn't watching me walk up the drive from the car, and your bark greeting me is silent. You have the most adorable bark, sometimes a puppy bark when you want attention, sometimes a "big boy" bark when you hear something outside. You're not waiting for me the moment I open the door, or peeking out the door when I go pick up the newspaper or take out the trash. I took Spencer to the park for the first time ever today. He had a good time, but we both missed you something terrible. Nothing is the same. It feels as though time stopped Wednesday and I'm just going through the paces, which aren't even real. I want to wake up from this nightmare and find you lying beside me. Aunt Marilyn called again today. She clearly heard God say in a very sad voice, "he was the reason she got up every day." She knew it meant you and me, so she called to tell me about it. You are my everything, and it's really so hard to stay here and take care of little Spencer and Birdie when all I want is to be with you. I never knew I could cry so much. Nothing feels the same, nothing means the same, nothing will ever be the same without my Poodle Doo. It's a pretty but hot day with the sun shining and a breeze blowing. I saw what looked like the outline of a dog in the white puffy clouds this afternoon when Spencer and I were sitting on the front porch. I wonder if it was you? You are my best friend, my little boy, my little lover, and I just miss you so terribly much, my heart truly aches.

I will write to you before I go to bed tonight. Please stay with me in spirit, Murphy. I beg you to be with me until I meet you at the Rainbow Bridge. I love you my darling boy.

Love eternally,
Momma


"Sometimes there is a dog who is so special, he is able to wrap himself so completely around your heart it is impossible to tell where you begin and he ends."  For My Beloved Murphy, 08/31/2004 - 06/18/2014


http://rainbowsbridge.com/residents/MURPH121/Resident.htm


http://s327.photobucket.com/user/kathrynbrown1626/library/?sort=6&page=1
Quote 0 0
MurphysMom_0831
Thank you, Keryn and Karen for your messages about my beloved Murphy. I am so sorry for the losses of your beautiful babies, too. I honestly don't know how you stand it or how you have made it this far. Time seems like the worst enemy at this point. Karen, you're right; the guilt makes the grieving much worse, and I don't know how to handle it. I feel I made choices against my better judgment, and wish Murphy could just somehow let me know what was best and what he wanted. Right now, I'd give absolutely anything for even one more day with him, even a few hours. It feels like it's killing me inside. I really don't know how you both did it, but I'm so terribly sorry. 
     464.JPG
"Sometimes there is a dog who is so special, he is able to wrap himself so completely around your heart it is impossible to tell where you begin and he ends."  For My Beloved Murphy, 08/31/2004 - 06/18/2014


http://rainbowsbridge.com/residents/MURPH121/Resident.htm


http://s327.photobucket.com/user/kathrynbrown1626/library/?sort=6&page=1
Quote 0 0
MurphysMom_0831
Hi darling Murphy,

It's starting to get dark now, so I wanted to write you a bedtime note. Right now you'd be going over to lie down in front of the couch on the right side, waiting for me to lie down, get covered up and rub your precious, soft, sweet belly as we did ever night for years and years. I miss petting and kissing your sweet Putties.  I held the clippings of your hair in my hands and smelled them today. They still smell like you a little, and they're so soft and sweet and golden. It made me miss you all the more, if that's even possible. I couldn't even bear to throw out the last box of Milk Bones that you and Spencer shared, so it will just become part of my memory area for you. We had a quick but big storm go through a few hours ago, and then the sun came out and in the eastern sky was a beautiful rainbow. I know you were there watching over me, and I just wish I could join you. Your passing is the worst experience of my life, and you know there have been some bad ones with losing little Bryan, my grandparents, Phyllis and my parents. But I have to stay and be strong for Spencer and Grady, as I've said before. Life will never, ever be the same, and I want you here with me so bad I can't stand it. Please give me a sign that you're still close to me. It would mean so incredibly much. My love for you is boundless, timeless, and completely engulfs my entire soul, because you are such a part of me.

Good night, sweet baby boy May, June 2014 012.JPG  . Momma loves you more than life itself.  Until tomorrow, my precious boy.

Love, Momma
"Sometimes there is a dog who is so special, he is able to wrap himself so completely around your heart it is impossible to tell where you begin and he ends."  For My Beloved Murphy, 08/31/2004 - 06/18/2014


http://rainbowsbridge.com/residents/MURPH121/Resident.htm


http://s327.photobucket.com/user/kathrynbrown1626/library/?sort=6&page=1
Quote 0 0
Jimbo106
I'm very sorry to read about your loss of Murphy. He has such a sweet face, and in the pictures, Spencer is always looking up to him. Very heart wrenching.

You did exactly the right things for Murphy, please don't doubt yourself. You and your Doctors did the best you could, for Murphy's sake. He knew you always loved him and gave him the best possible care. What he took with him on his trip to the Bridge was his Mother's love. The gift of your love is the greatest gift he could have ever wished for and he will never forget that.

I think you received the signs that Murphy is, and always will be with you. Seeing a dog in the clouds and a beautiful rainbow on the same day. I know it's not the same as being able to hold him, but his love for you is eternal. He's there, shining with his golden coat, each day as the sun goes down.

Blessings to you.

Jim
Quote 0 0
Bellamum
MurphysMom_0831 wrote:
Thank you, Keryn and Karen for your messages about my beloved Murphy. I am so sorry for the losses of your beautiful babies, too. I honestly don't know how you stand it or how you have made it this far. Time seems like the worst enemy at this point. Karen, you're right; the guilt makes the grieving much worse, and I don't know how to handle it. I feel I made choices against my better judgment, and wish Murphy could just somehow let me know what was best and what he wanted. Right now, I'd give absolutely anything for even one more day with him, even a few hours. It feels like it's killing me inside. I really don't know how you both did it, but I'm so terribly sorry. 
    


Hi Murphy's mom,
Yes, all I wanted was a sign from Bella that she knew why I made the decision that I made and she knew that I loved her more than anything and that everything I decided was for her. 
I don't really know if I ever got a sign but when we got in the car and left the vet's office after we said goodbye to Bella, I suddenly realised that the lyrics to the song that began playing when we started the car were from Averill Lavigne's song called "When you're gone".  My family and I thought that was kind of a sign from Bella that she was ok....don't know if it is true, but it made us feel like she was telling us that she knew we would miss her, but she was ok.
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it OK
                                                                 I miss you.

Like you, I often wish for one more day, one more hour, one more minute, one more cuddle, one more kiss...but we both know that "one more" would never be enough.  Our hearts are broken and we just want them back by our sides forever. 
I know that at the moment it feels like you will never get through this and life is just pointless now - that is exactly how I felt too.  My days are still hard, but I am beginning to smile again....It will get easier to cope with.  We will always grieve for and miss our sweet Murphy and Bella, but that overwhelming feeling that you describe does begin to ease. 
We were so very lucky to have had Murphy and Bella in our lives and I do believe that they are waiting for us and when it is our time, we will be reunited with them.  Imagine that reunion - tails wagging, tongues licking, jumping (and us crying with happiness).  The wait will be worth it because then it will be forever.

I wish you peace and healing.
Take care.
Karen
(Bella and Charli's very lucky mum)
"You were once by our side, but you will be forever in our hearts. Until we meet again baby girl."

Karen
(Bella, Charli and Buddy's very lucky mum)

My gorgeous girl, Bella  26/07/2004 - 03/04/2014
"You were once by our side, but you will be forever in our hearts. Until we meet again baby girl."
Quote 0 0
MurphysMom_0831
Jimbo106 wrote:

I think you received the signs that Murphy is, and always will be with you. Seeing a dog in the clouds and a beautiful rainbow on the same day. I know it's not the same as being able to hold him, but his love for you is eternal. He's there, shining with his golden coat, each day as the sun goes down.

Jim


Jim, thank you for your beautiful message. You are so wonderful about helping everyone who is grieving; hopefully you have peace within yourself. You're obviously a very special person. I'm very sorry for the loss of your baby, too. Sometimes I wonder to myself why we have pets, yet I know live would not be so incredibly full without them.

I had the most unbelievable experience during the wee hours last night which I'm anxious to write to Murphy about. I do believe that he is sending me signs, even more so after last night.
"Sometimes there is a dog who is so special, he is able to wrap himself so completely around your heart it is impossible to tell where you begin and he ends."  For My Beloved Murphy, 08/31/2004 - 06/18/2014


http://rainbowsbridge.com/residents/MURPH121/Resident.htm


http://s327.photobucket.com/user/kathrynbrown1626/library/?sort=6&page=1
Quote 0 0
MurphysMom_0831
Hi Karen,

As I mentioned above to Jim, I had an incredible experience in the middle of the night from Murphy. I'm anxious for you to let me know what you think if you read my message to Murphy. Thank you again for your kind and loving words. They are most appreciated. I've been single for the past 4 years and my family is all far out of state, so the kindness shown here means more than words can even say. Blessings to you and your beautiful Bella.
"Sometimes there is a dog who is so special, he is able to wrap himself so completely around your heart it is impossible to tell where you begin and he ends."  For My Beloved Murphy, 08/31/2004 - 06/18/2014


http://rainbowsbridge.com/residents/MURPH121/Resident.htm


http://s327.photobucket.com/user/kathrynbrown1626/library/?sort=6&page=1
Quote 0 0