On April 14th, 2020 I lost my beautiful puppy, Micah. That morning when my boyfriend and I went to feed the dogs we could tell something was very wrong, she had no energy and was barely walking. Which is extremely strange for our high energy, fun, outgoing little girl. We rushed her to the vet and because of Covid-19 we were unable to go inside the building with her. The vet called on the phone and told us after ultra sounds and bloodwork that she has an infection in her uterus and her uterus burst. They told us that it was critical and getting worse fast and that she most likely would not survive surgery. She had to be euthanized. She was just a baby, she would have been 9 months old just 2 days later. She never got to grow up and have a full life. And because of Covid they would only allow one owner to go inside and be with her during the euthanizing so I was not able to be there and say goodbye. Part of me looks back and wishes I would have tried harder and fought back a little to please please allow me inside with her. I have so many regrets, so many things I wish I could have done to make her life more full. I thought I had 12-16 years with her, I never thought she would be gone so quickly. I feel I should have done so much more, I beat myself up emotionally for keeping her in the crate a lot when she was younger, not being more patient with her puppy habits, not showing her certain special attention I show my other girl Ellie. I just hate myself for not going above and beyond for her. Why was I not more patient with her? Why did I let it aggravate me when she had such high energy and wanted to jump everywhere. I am her Momma, I should have been the one to be the most patient with her. What is wrong with me?!
 The only thing that helps me cope is how understanding my boyfriend (her daddy) was with her. He showed her love & attentiveness beyond everything. He was the owner she deserved. I should have been a more caring & understanding dog owner. 

I still have my 2 other incredible dogs with me, Ellie & Elmer. Unfortunately I live in a house where they have to be outside dogs and I hate myself for this, but it is so difficult to see them. When I take them out to play I still see my little Micah girl in the corner of my eye. Our whole pack/family has changed, she was the baby and she always kept Ellie & Elmer on their feet and ready to play because she was Always ready!!! She loved to play, she’d chase them and have the best times with her sister and brother. But now the whole dynamic has changed, no running and playing, no hype fun loving micah to keep everyone upbeat and on their toes. I don’t know how to go on.
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Don't beat yourself up.  You did the best you could for her.  I lost my cat two weeks ago - he was 19 and was slowly going from kidney failure - but I had a similar vet experience.  They could not get me in for 24 hours (my vet I have taken him to since I moved) and I had to make a tough decision because he was in bad shape.  In the end I had to say goodbye in the lobby of the humane society because of COVID.  But I told him I loved him and I would miss him - which I do. 
Your pain is fresh and those first few days are very hard!!  It is ok to feel bad but try not to feel guilt.  Feel grief, cry.  She was lucky to have you for her short life.  I know it feels empty and wrong somehow.  The first few days I did not want to come home because the house felt wrong - it still does.  I have two other cats, but it is not the same.

Things will start to feel a little better over the next few days - tiny bits every day.  Give Ellie and Elmer lost of love and attention (which I know you are doing).  Bless you.
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I am so sorry .. You did all you could and I know you were a great Mom to her. We have all lost our patience with our pets at one time or another. When they pee on the floor after you take them out for twenty minutes. I just lost my little girl Fancy on April 16th and I have found myself being way more patient with my other three now. If they make a mess that make a mess. 
I am still in the shock of this since it was just three days ago so I understand how tough it is. You and your boyfriend loved her and she loved you..
alan farlowe
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