Yaoyao
Hi, I'm new here. Last night I had to say goodbye to my baby. Right before midnight, May 25th, I woke up on the couch by my cat Albert, he was 21 years old, his legs were jerking and he was making sounds like he couldn't breath, his whole body was shaking. I tried to calm him down and pet him to make him comfortable, but he then rolled over and fell on the floor and kept having the same symptoms. The entire process was about two minutes, I immediately took him to the 24 hour ER. I was not able to go in due to COVID-19, so I was waiting in the car. The doctor called shortly after they broght him in and said his temperature was very low and blood pressure extremely high, he probably had a stroke. He had pre-existing kidney problems, heart murmur and he was almost completely blind. I adopted him when he was 15, and he's had the problems for years. The doctor said they could hospitalize him if I insisted, but the medication for his kidney would damage his heart, and the heart medication would damage his kidney and other organs. If I took him home, he might have another episode very soon and probably wouldn't make it. He was not suffering too much at that time, but he was severely ill and the most humane way was to put him out of his misery. 

The last few months he grew more needy, and he cried a lot more, stopped grooming himself, but his appetite was still good. I had him checked out earlier this year at his regular vet office, the vet said then that he didn't have any new significant problems, but his health was declining. I wanted to bring him in a couple weeks ago, but I was worried he might get infected due to COVID-19. I knew this day was coming, but I didn't expect it to come so soon. 

Now all I can think about is how much more I should have done, how I should be more patient and loving and caring, what have I missed that caused his stroke? He has gone through so much with me in the past five and half years, he was my baby, my motivation to look forward to the future, to work hard, he was the one I looked forward to going home to. I love holding his paws when we sleep and wake up with him sitting on my chest. All the little things, I miss them so much. And now I blame myself so much for not catching the sign so that I could prevent him from the suffering. I can't go to the bedroom, I can't even sit on the couch, wherever I look it reminds me of Albert. I don't know what I am going to do without him, I can't live without him. I've been crying since last night, I don't know what else I can do besides crying. It hurts so much that I can't hold him once more. They let me in to say goodbye, he looked so confused and I just couldn't say I was ready. It didn't take long for him to be gone, I was petting him the whole time and kissed him. But now I blame myself for letting him go, what if he didn't want to? I know it's selfish to feel this way, but I just can't convince myself that I did the right thing, that I didn't take away his chance to spend more time in the world. I feel  the whole thing is so surreal, I don't understand what happened and I don't want to accept that fact that he's not here anymore. I want the pain to stop. I don't want to live my life without him. I feel like I let him down, I betrayed him. 

I apologize for the rambling. 

-Yaoyao
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Mar
Hi, I'm sorry for your loss. In my heart,  I believe you did the right thing to end his pain,you did it out love. Grieving can be very confusing, difficult, stressful to deal with after the passing of our fur babies. Your baby knew how much you loved him. Now he's pain free ,not suffering. Now he's taking care of you spiritually. I hope you find comfort in all the sweet memories you had together. Be kind to yourself  and take care. 🌈🐈🐕🙏
Blessings 
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lotusbunny

I’m so sorry for your loss, and losing them so suddenly and unexpectedly is one of the worst things to experience. I had that this past January with my Piggy (my 1year old pup.) He had developed pneumonia and the doctor said the most humane thing would be to put him to sleep. You aren’t selfish for feeling that way, and it’s completely normal to question every step in the process. I still go through that and it’s been 5 months since Piggy and I still regret not taking him sooner. It’s completely normal and valid.

Remember it’s okay to cry, let yourself cry. Let yourself mourn.
I think you truly did the right thing to help your baby. He is no longer suffering, and you being there to comfort him was the best gift you could give him. You gave him a beautiful 5 and a half sunset years. I’m so sorry for your loss and I wish you nothing but healing. 🌈🐈🐾

-Kitty
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Yaoyao
Mar wrote:
Hi, I'm sorry for your loss. In my heart,  I believe you did the right thing to end his pain,you did it out love. Grieving can be very confusing, difficult, stressful to deal with after the passing of our fur babies. Your baby knew how much you loved him. Now he's pain free ,not suffering. Now he's taking care of you spiritually. I hope you find comfort in all the sweet memories you had together. Be kind to yourself  and take care. 🌈🐈🐕🙏


Thank you for your kind words, I know you are right that he's no longer in pain and taking care of me in a different way. I guess a big part of me feels like I don't deserve him and I let him down. But I will try to think more about the joy and beautiful memories we share together. Thank you!
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Yaoyao
lotusbunny wrote:

I’m so sorry for your loss, and losing them so suddenly and unexpectedly is one of the worst things to experience. I had that this past January with my Piggy (my 1year old pup.) He had developed pneumonia and the doctor said the most humane thing would be to put him to sleep. You aren’t selfish for feeling that way, and it’s completely normal to question every step in the process. I still go through that and it’s been 5 months since Piggy and I still regret not taking him sooner. It’s completely normal and valid.

Remember it’s okay to cry, let yourself cry. Let yourself mourn.
I think you truly did the right thing to help your baby. He is no longer suffering, and you being there to comfort him was the best gift you could give him. You gave him a beautiful 5 and a half sunset years. I’m so sorry for your loss and I wish you nothing but healing. 🌈🐈🐾



I'm so sorry for your loss too. I think it's hard to fully recover from the loss of a loved one, it's just that the pain will ease away with time. I hope you are able to feel better now and to think of the beautiful memories you shared with each other with nothing but only love. 

Thank you for sharing your experience with me. Today has been a roller coaster, and it seems really dark going forward, and things seem to have lost their meanings and purposes. I think it's the "what if" thoughts, and not knowing how much pain he had gone through in the past few months that are torturing me. I want to be strong for him, and to embrace life as what it is, even though it's very difficult. 

Thank you again for sharing your story!
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