Katie
Yesterday I had to have my little girl, Jo, put to sleep (a cat). She'd been sick for a month and it became clear she would not get better. However, I'm always going to wonder if only I'd tried a little longer... She was moaning in pain though. The vet wanted to send her to a specialist (wasn't understanding why she hadn't responded to the multiple medicines) and hospitalize her again but after thousands of dollars I just couldn't. And she was miserable. I was there alone when she passed and now I realize that wasn't the hardest part. Coming home and being home without her are. No one around me is a cat person so they are sympathetic but don't get it. My family that lives far away does get it thankfully. So I'm here in bed next to her blanket where she slept for the last seven years. We had our nightly ritual of cuddling, her purring and kneading her paws just before falling asleep together. We were so close. I got her when she was a tiny baby. A security guard (named Joe- hence her name) found her and I pleaded with my landlord to let me keep her after I couldn't find a home for her. She relented. I had lived alone there for seven years. Suddenly I had someone to come home to, someone excited to see me, someone who needed me and loved me no matter what. We had rituals. She "talked" constantly- always telling me what she felt. She made me smile no matter what I was going through. She was an amazing blessing from God and I told her that constantly. She rescued me. She was so happy, so energetic. How could she die so young? Seven years old. She should have had so many good years left to enjoy. Now I live alone again, only now I'm tortured by her absence. (My landlord will not allow me another pet so even when I might be ready for a new companion I can't have one.) I just cry and cry, feeling like I'm going to throw up. I don't want to be around anyone because as wonderful as they may be, they just don't get it. I know the feelings will become less intense over time but I don't know how that could be. We were two. Now I am one. I hate this.
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Amandax2
I hate this too. I miss my little girl so much. I to live alone not that my kids have left and my dogs were a
great comfort to me. Anna is 7 and Peaches was 10.  My Peaches was my baby girl, my little angel.  Now I am haunted by the idea that maybe I didn't do as much for her as I could have or should have. Maybe I wasn't there for her when she needed me the most.  I tried to do everything I could to make the house safe and available to her needs and to let her know that she was loved and that together we would make it better but  I can't keep from feeling that there was more that I could have done to let her know how much she meant to me.  Your loss is so sad.  It hurts so much to let them go. Use this forum. Sometimes when I feel the emotions overwhelm me I come to this site and read what others have written or just vent my feelings.  It helps.  Nothing will fix it. I would give anything if I could have more time with Peaches and then not have these feelings of guilt that my baby needed me and I wasn't there for her.  We can't have them back. Someday we can go to them.
Sue Martin
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Sandy_T
Our babies become so much a aprt of us that when they leave a part of us leaves with them. I have found having a picture of my precious Punky allows me to talk to him. Tell Him how much I still love him. I pray you find comfort during this sorrowful time. People here truley understand.
Sandy
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Tail11
I know your feeling well. I am sorry for your loss. It's hard to let our love ones go, but I feel that you did the most humane action a pet owner can do. I too live alone and I hated coming home to an empty house with no little one dancing around, happy to see me. I was given a new puppy two weeks after my Whispers death. I wasn't ready for the new puppy, but I'm glad to have someone around to talk to.

When you're ready, I'd speak with your landlord again to see if you can get another cat. Considering how long you've been there, I'd think they would want to keep a good tenant. 

Warm thoughts sent to you.
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Mary_Jane
Hi Katie. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss of little Jo. I lost my 6-year-old cat a week ago. I also made the difficult decision to have her euthanized, and I completely understand how hard this time is. I also keep wondering whether I should have waited longer, but I do believe they somehow let you know that they have had enough. Losing them at any age is awful, but when they are so young it is very hard to accept, and all their funny little rituals keep springing into your mind. 

It is hard also when you feel others don't understand. So many people think along the lines of "it's only a pet". She wasn't just a pet, she was a cherished member of your family, and it is totally acceptable that you need time to grieve. I have found this forum a godsend, as it gives you a place to pour out your feelings where everyone understands and will not judge you. Sending lots of love and prayers to you, Mary-Jane x
"If the sky comes falling down, for you, there's nothing in this world I wouldn't do"
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Katie
Thank you. It just hurts so bad. Did I make a mistake? Should I have tried one more week? Was it selfish because it was hard for me to watch her suffer? And now what? It was just the two of us. She waited in the window and greeted me at the door. She followed me everywhere. She would jump up on the dresser in the bathroom when I turned off the shower so she could rub up against my wet hair. She slept in my arms. She kept me company. I feel so alone and so guilty and so empty without her here.
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Tail11
Having to euthanize a loved one is never easy and don't let the second guessing get the best of you. Your beautiful friend is now in a better place, healthy and watching over you. It's hard to come home to an empty house. I tried to keep myself busy when I thought my dog had been stolen, rather than just pacing the floor like I had done for several days. Your life has changed forever because of your loss. You'll have to learn to do things without your baby there. It's difficult to do. We are all grieving with you and understand your thoughts.

Now is the time to take care of yourself, even if you don't want to. Cry and talk to your baby. Let her know how you feel. Light a candle for her. We are here for you.

Sending warm thoughts.
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Katie
Thank you so very much. What a blessing to be able to share without wondering if people think I'm crazy for taking it so hard. I'm going to make a little memorial for her. I got a gift at Christmas- a little 4x6 canvas frame of a candle picture and the candle lights up. Not so much my style but then I realized it would be perfect to set next to a picture of her in her memory. I can turn it on at night once it stops hurting quite so bad. Still bursting into tears a lot but I'm seeing that it may sting a little less in a few weeks or months. Won't ever get over it. Beginning to see that it can probably coexist with some positive times and she can become a good memory rather than a tortured memory of loss. On my way home now and knowing I will lose it once I'm in the door (or sooner) and will have a harder time believing that. I guess that's just how it will be? Again such a blessing to have someone to talk to. Thanks to everyone. I know you are here because you are hurting too. May God give you some peaceful moments. :)
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Tail11
As animal guardians, our duty is to go on after our pets pass on. I hope to one day stop mourning and just remember my Whisper in good thoughts. It might take a long time, but I'm still happy I got to spend a short 5 years with her. I'm sure we all will reach that moment in our lives, but time will tell. 

Take care Katie!
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Catladykaren
I bought the $1.00 plastic candles they had for the holidays, cheap quality but they run on batteries so I won't burn the house down. I turn those on for my Leeloo. Also got a christmas cactus because they bloom this time of year, hoping it will bring me comfort next year. I want to see the flowers as signs from my baby, it will be a living memorial for her. I'm trying to find all the pictures I have of her even though I cry when I look through them. I miss my baby so much, and I will always love her. We grieve because we love. My love, my joy, my Leeloo is gone. I'm devastated, there is no other way for me to feel after such a painful loss. We all grieve differently, and support you during this terrible time.
Love is eternal....
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Katie
Mary Jane- you said it so beautifully. I am sorry for your loss as well. I pray that each of you find at least one person- besides here on the forum- who you can talk to in detail and who totally gets it and loves you through it. I am blessed to have that person in my life. I pray that blessing for you as well.
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Mary_Jane
Thank you Katie. Your little Jo is beautiful. No, I don't think you got it wrong, and I don't think you are selfish for the decision you made. Quite the opposite in fact. You made the decision out of love. I made the same decision for the same reason - I couldn't see Molly suffer any more. The selfish option for me would have been to keep her going. I will also always wonder if I should have given her more time, but these animals are amazing in letting us know when it is time. Sometimes, letting them go on is for our own benefit and not that of the animal. I'm not berating anyone for going as far as they can with medical treatments. We are all different and each animal's situation is different. As their loving owners, we know them best and they rely on us to make the best decisions for them. I am so glad that you have someone close that you can talk to about this, as it does help a lot. Thinking of you xx
"If the sky comes falling down, for you, there's nothing in this world I wouldn't do"
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Katie
Thank you. I think I'll need affirmation of my decision for a long time. The what if's are torture. There's just no way to know. I leave for vacation next Monday. Big trip, saved up for a long time, a special trip for my niece. Was really really really excited for the last six months but now I'm conflicted and feeling guilty. Maybe it will be good to be away for awhile but it also feels like I'm ditching my baby girl by leaving her/our house even though she's not there. It's like I need to stand vigil there and I'm just brushing her off by leaving. And I feel so rotten to go enjoy myself when she just barely died. I will have to find a way to grieve quietly while I'm there so I don't bring my niece down. Honestly, I'd like to have a great time, enjoy the fact that it is the trip of a lifetime and a special gift to someone I love. Could someone show me where the shut off valve is for the guilt?
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Catladykaren
Just set aside a time to grieve, maybe in the shower? If you set aside a time, it might be easier to go through the rest of the day. Or at the end, tell your baby about it, talk to her. I find it easier to make it through the day knowing I will spend some private time grieving for my Leeloo. You could also bring a notebook or journal to write letters to your baby, or just express your feelings. I hope you are to enjoy this vacation somehow, my friend.
Love is eternal....
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Katie
Thank you. That's great advice. I'm taking my ipad so I suppose I can also take this private sharing place with me. I'll set time aside at the end of each day to let myself really stop and think about her, maybe jot down a memory. Thanks for the good idea. And, yes, whenever someone else is around and I want to cry taking a shower is a great option. I'm sure I'll be very clean.
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