southclarkson
I didn't even know that I hit her.  I just glanced back as I started driving down the road in front of my house & I saw her flipping up in the air, she was flipping & flipping & I just looked at her for a second & thought "what is that crazy cat chasing?"  then I thought something must be hurting her, then it just seemed so unnatural it came to me that I had felt a little bump that I thought was the hose when I backed out & Oh my God I ran over my baby.  I ran to her & held her & it was horrific.  It was her head, her whole body was still jumping & jerking & there was so much blood & I kept telling her I'm so sorry & I rushed to the vet's office with her in my lap, it's only a mile away & when I got her out of the car, she was limp.  She had urinated & bled all over me.  I knew it was impossible for her to survive, but I hoped I was wrong.  The vet said she was gone.  I loved her so much, I am so sorry I hurt her.  I am so sorry she suffered such a horrible death.  I am so sorry!   I can't forgive myself, my baby Fancy, she was such a sweet cat, so much personality, I got her as soon as I got my first apartment after college & I changed her name too when I got married & she's sat on my belly through two pregnancies.  With the first pregnancy, I prayed to God I could love my human baby as much as I loved Fancy.  If it was her time to go naturally, I could have handled it, I think.  I was supposed to protect her & I killed her.  She trusted me & I let her down.  If God wanted it to be her time, why did it have to be this way?  I can't handle her image keeps replaying in my head, flipping & flipping. Then I see her mangled face, why did God let this happen?  She was 11 years old.  I miss her, I love her & I am so sorry.  I don't know how to handle the way I feel.  
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reovi
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.  I don't think there was anyway you could have known that would happen.  I don't have much to say in the way of comfort, because I am riddled with guilt as to how my boy passed on Sunday.  However, I keep playing it all in my head, too.  Do you have anything to help you sleep from your doctor?  On the nights when I sleep well, the next day seem more rational and I remember the good times, as opposed to feeling guilty and crying all the time.  Don't get me wrong, there will always be lots of crying, but I think that is because she was so important to you.  I really believe that she knows what you did was not intentional and that you loved her as much as your kids-she was one of the family.  Just remember this is not the end, you will see her again at the bridge, and it will be as if time never passed between you.  Please come back and continue to post and talk about it, and put Fancy in the Monday night candle lighting, you might find it helpful-I did...
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lil_doll
Geez, my heart goes out to you.

:(

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dpereira
I am so sorry for your loss. What a terrible experience to go through. My thoughts and prayers are with you now.
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CT_Cat_Lady

Ah sweetie, I am so sorry.  My every sympathy is with you.

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shmoobear
Oh southclarkson, I don't even know what to say....I'm SO sorry for you and your loss. I don't think any words will make you feel at ease right now. But I want to say to you that your baby Fancy knows how much you love her. She left on her journey....and with her she took your love, your devotion, your happy memories....and the knowledge that she will see you again. She did not take any of the pain or suffering....and she certainly did not take any ill will towards you...the person who gave her such a wonderful existence.

It's so hard to lose our longtime loved ones. Particularly when they span such life changing events, such as Fancy did with you. You were just a baby out of college when you got her....and now you are a mother of two. Try very hard to focus on the great times you had together. Everytime those awful images enter into your mind, you need to short circuit them and replace them with the good ones. I believe that we all need to live through our grief to some degree to get to the other side of it, but I don't believe that it's healthy for you to keep living those terrible moments over and over.

Keep coming back on here and talking...it really does help. And you just lived through a very traumatic event....so if you feel like you need to go talk to someone in your "real life", you should not waste any time in doing so.

Again, I'm so sorry and I'm wishing you some much needed peace tonight...
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southclarkson
I want to thank you all for your kind words & generous advice.  I had a good moment today when I was greeted with some good & unexpected news, unrelated to Fancy, but it made me forget for a little bit & I felt happy for the first time in days.  I started to drive to work & called my mom to share the good news with her & I think she was relieved to hear me sounding chipper, then out of nowhere a kitty that was the spitting image of a young Fancy ran in front of my car.  It's like a punch in the stomach, like someone is saying don't you dare let go of this, you need to be punished still.  At least my mom was still on the phone.  My mom, my husband, & even my 4 year old have been so supportive, I am very fortunate to have them.  Despite the setback, today is marginally better than yesterday.  Thank you for giving me a place to put my grief into words.  I am sorry we are all grieving for our pets, I just wish we didn't have reason to be here grieving in the first place.
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reovi
I look at your sign a different way...I look at it as Fancy telling you that she was happy for you, too, and that she was running and free and wanted you to know she is still around you.  I definitely don't think she would want to punish you, animals are not mean-spirited and they don't hold grudges...that is what makes them so special and better than us!  Keep your head up, we will all get through this until it's just happy memories.
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nicokudo
Southclarkson,

I am so sorry about what happened to your baby.  I wish that there was something that I could say that would erase those last moments from your memory.  Accidents happen and often there is nothing that we can do to stop them.  Your precious Fancy knows how much you love her and blesses you for the happy life that she had with you. She is in a  wonderful place now and just wants you to be able to forgive yourself and realize that she is now on a new journey and will see you again some day.  Susie Squillionshad a wonderful posting that other day about how we usually don't understand why things happen the way they do.  Check some of her postings(in green) .

Thinking of you and your precious Fancy.

Karen


Karen,Kudo and Nico's mom
Earth mom to Marco and Bella
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nicokudo
Hi,

Look at Susie's response to Chessaroo...The guilt is eating me alive.  I think that you will find it very helpful.

Karen


Karen,Kudo and Nico's mom
Earth mom to Marco and Bella
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Susie_Squillions
Dear Southclarkson,

I can't imagine the pain you must feel, and my heart goes out to you now.  Fancy would never blame you for what happened.  She knows that you would never, in a million years, have done anything to harm her.  If there had been any way for you to know what could happen, you would have moved mountains to have prevented it.  I feel your sorrow in every word you've written.

I agree with reovi about the cat you saw while talking to your mom.  That was a sign from Fancy, letting you know that she is fine and running free now forever.  I've asked my Bridge Kitties to snuggle up with her and make sure she's extra comfortable in her new world. 

Bless you for loving Fancy so well, and for treasuring her the way you did.  Even though her life here came to an abrupt end, she knew a lifetime of love while she was with you.  As time passes, I hope and pray that the horrifying images will fade and be replaced with the beautiful images of her as the healthy, happy cat she always was.  In this case, I would definitely recommend looking at as many pictures as you can as often as possible.  You need to fill your mind with images of her as a healthy, happy girl.  The tears will flow like a river at first, but eventually you will find the gratitude for having had the gift of her presence in your life.

As a last note, and with no intention of touching on a delicate subject, I do want you to know that the one who suffered at the end was you, not Fancy.  She might not ever have been aware that anything ever happened.  It was quick for her, and you are the one who suffered the trauma of what you witnessed.  I wish there were a way for me to sweep that memory away for you.  I can tell by the way you have expressed your feelings about life with Fancy that your love for her is never-ending.  Hold on to the thoughts of that love with all your might.  It will last forever.

You, your family and your beautiful Angel Fancy are all in my thoughts and prayers, and I'm sending you virtual hugs of comfort and understanding.


My heart is battered and bruised, but I will not let it break. It holds such precious cargo, I must protect it now. (Susie Squillions)

"Memories of loved ones are like songs in our soul." Margaret Wakeley

T.J.'S RESIDENCY:
http://RainbowsBridge.com/residents/TJ006/Resident.htm

BUDDY GUY AYRES~LYNCH'S RESIDENCY:
http://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/Buddy128/resident.HTM

KING BING THE GOD CAT'S RESIDENCY:
http://rainbowsbridge.com/residents/BINGO009/Resident.htm

In one of the stars, I shall be living.
In one of them, I shall be laughing.
And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing when you look at the sky at night.
~ The Little Prince, Antoine de Saint-Exupery
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