msk
I feel like a criminal.

First, I am embarrassed. I posted here in July about how my lovebird of four years died. It was an accident, in which my wife slammed her in a drawer while trying to keep her fro flying into it. I blamed my wife for a long time, then learned to let go when I realized it was no help to carry that grudge forever.

We got a new bird, a baby conure named Manila. She was the sweetest thing ever. She got attached to me and became my buddy. My wife resented a little bit how much Manila preferred me, but Manila respected my wife; Manila liked me, but didn't respect me.

Two days ago, we took Manila with us to our friends' house. We were sleeping overnight. The two friends had watched Manila during a 10-day vacation. They loved her and cared about her welfare as much as my wife and me.

Unfortunately, the house was without heat. We put a blanket over Manila's cage like usual and stuck a space heater underneath to keep her warm overnight. We all thought we were doing the right thing.

In the morning, around 8:30, I uncovered Manila's cage like usual. She was on the bottom, eyes closed and laboring to breathe. She clenched the bottom of her cage for dear life. I rushed her to the hospital. On the way there, I looked to the cage in the back seat and she had rolled onto her back, barely breathing.

Manila died before we got to the hospital. From what I concluded, she stayed on the bottom to be near the heat. But she didn't get to her water and dehydrated herself to death. I watched her take her last breath. It was awful.

Everyone involved is traumatized. We had four adults in that house, all of whom had the bird's wellbeing in mind. And we still killed her.

I should have checked on her throughout the night. We never should have brought her to the house in the first place. I should have held her before she died to make her comfortable. The guilt is incredible. I watched my friend die.

I want nothing more than to get another bird. But the last thing I want to do is lead another one to its death. I will replay the last hour I spent with Manila again and again. If she was a human child, I would be in jail for what I did. 

I love birds. They make me happy and I have made mine incredibly happy. But my guilt is telling me, "You are responsible for this. You are a murderer." And my guilt is right. It doesn't matter that my two birds were happy -- they died incredibly young. IMG_6655.jpg 
Quote 0 0
Gingers_Mommy
@ Msk,

I'm so sorry for the loss of Manila. It was a tragic accident. The heater was placed with her comfort in mind showing that you had her well being in mind. That you wanted to travel with her, again just shows your love for her. The close proximity of the heater was a terrible miscalculation. To have this happen so soon after the other tragic death of your first bird is difficult. I understand the guilt our inexperience can add to trauma of loss. With time I decided to become a better pet parent and learn from my mistakes so that my next pet is safer. Right now it's all still raw for you. I hope you continue to use this site to help you deal with your grief. My heart goes out to you in this difficult time.
Quote 0 0
CatVigil
MSK

It was simple mistake! The last thing you need to do is continue to guilt yourself. Your intent was to keep the bird warm. Had you know what happened would happen, you know for a fact you would have sought out other options. Please try to focus on the ways you loved your bird and not what you should've, could've done. Guilting yourself is only going to prolong your grieveing process. Please take it easy on yourself ❤
Quote 0 0
Lu
I'm so sorry about your pet.  I wouldn't have thought putting the heater there would have been a problem either. :( You were trying to keep her comfortable. There are so many people here who have guilt over the death of their pets, myself included. The could, should, would haves will drive you crazy. My pet passed away a month ago and I still have fantasies about getting home in time to save her. :( I went out after work when I normally go straight home. Her collar got caught on something and she choked. :( Normally I close the door to the room where it happened and I didn't that day. You are NOT a criminal. You are a loving pet parent who certainly did not predict that outcome. It will be with us forever but it will get better. I also feel like I'm unworthy to get another little pet, but someday I would like to rescue a little dog who needs a home. Try not to be so hard on yourself, even though i know it's much easier said than done. You loved your bird and her love and energy still exists. I really believe that. Hugs to you. 
lea
Quote 0 0
Mistysmama
Oh...dear msk, I am so sorry for your loss.

you didn't murder your sweet Manila ! You did what you honestly believed was a kind and nurturing thing  for her -to try to keep her warm.

You weren't responsible for her not going to her water. You were trying to do everything to help her.

But it is so sad for you. The second tragic accident in such a short time. I am so sorry and send you my kindest thoughts and condolences.
Bless that dear Bird-Spirit, now flying free in a most beautiful place, and never forgetting that she was loved (they don't forget us!)
Hold the love like a little light. It is all you have, or will ever have, to find your way home.

Misty's Blog..a Dogfight with Cancer http://www.mistysblog69.blogspot.co.uk

Misty's life after death: http://www.dog2spirit.com
Quote 0 0
Jaye82
I am so sorry for your loss both of them. It wasn’t your fault. It was just something tragic that happened. Manila was very loved I can tell. I am so sorry this happened to you and I hope you can stop blaming yourself because it wasn’t your fault.
Quote 0 0