Hi everyone, I have been struggling to come to terms with the loss of my beloved cat Clove. We had to make the heartbreaking decision to have her put to sleep 3 weeks ago because she had a rare form of heart cancer. She was doing so well when she had a scan to see the extent of the damage (at the time we didn't know the cause of her illness) and the vets said it would be the kindest option to have her put to sleep. 

She was 11 years old. She was my feline soul mate. I was 10 years old when we first brought her home, I have never felt such a strong connection with any animal before. It felt like she had been with us my entire life. We got her and her sister as kittens (who we sadly said goodbye to when she was 5 due to cancer) during a very difficult time for my family. My Nan had just been diagnosed with cancer and was undergoing chemo which made her very sick. My Dad was suffering terribly with depression. Clove was always there when I was upset. She loved to sleep on my pillow at night, she was a very independent cat but loved to chat back and have snuggles during the day. She went through a lot in her life, she was always fighting with other cats and had to have numerous procedures to fix wounds, she broke her tail a couple of times as well. She developed epilepsy when she was four and was on twice daily medications for the rest of her life but she was an absolute soldier. 

I turn 21 tomorrow, I moved away from home to study from university when I was 18. I would love coming home to visit my family because no matter how tough uni was, one look from Clove made things better. It felt like she knew me to the core. I think this is why I am finding her loss tough because I'm not at home where we've buried her in the garden. I have dreams where I see her outside and I try so desperately to hold her and bring her outside but she's out of reach and I am left with a feeling of dread when I wake up that she can't get home. My Dad has said these are omens of contrary, we always place our cats facing towards home so they can find their way if they need us. 

I know the pain will pass eventually and I will be able to look back out our life with Clove and feel happy. We have lost cats before but nothing has felt as raw as this. We said goodbye so quickly and I think she had a dignified end but she had to become a house cat because of the strain on her heart. I miss my friend so dearly. It feels like a lifetime since I last saw her, these last eleven years have flown by in the blink of an eye. 

Sorry for the rambling post but it feels better to be able to write my feelings down in a place where other people are going through the same things. My uni friends and housemates have been so kind but only one or two understand what it feels like to lose a treasured pet. 

30/11/2014 Sweet dreams, Clove. I'll love and miss you always. 
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Dear TigerRose,

I feel your pain as will everyone else on this forum.  My Bessie was put to sleep just on Friday, and the pain is unbearable.  I would imagine that dreams of this nature are "normal" and not something you should worry about.  I wish that i could dream of my Bessie, but its not happened since Friday....all i have are her scents, her blankets and pillows....they are what keep me going.  Nothing can compare to the love i had and still have for Bess, I truly understand you with that.  Sometimes a pet comes into our life and is just "the one", our soul mate, but it doesnt diminish the love we have for our other pets....its just different.

You sound like me, apologising for rambling....no apologies are necessary, ramble all you want, god knows i definitely will!  I have moments where i feel "ok" but they are just that, moments...and dont last long.  I'd like to use these moments to help others, although because it is all too raw for me, i am not sure i am of any help, but i can at least try.

I hope we will feel better soon.....
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I'm so sorry you lost Clove. She seems like a sweetie. My heart goes out to you for having to deal with cancer attacking so many of your loved ones. I know how tough it is to be committed to a degree. You spend a lot of time studying and don't get much free time. Clove knew how much you loved her. Animals can sense these things. She is restored and at peace now. You will see her again, the hardest part is the wait.
~ Leah
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Thank you both for your kind comments! It means a lot. I tried to look at some positives, I had a lovely dream one night where she snuggled onto my pillow which she always loved doing, it felt so real, I could feel her pushing me off my pillow and down the bed! Dad also said a few weeks ago we had a lovely sunny day, he looked out the window to find the last rays of the afternoon sun had landed solely on where she's buried. I don't really believe in an afterlife or anything but it gave me comfort that she could bask in the sun again, another one of her favorite past times.

Some days the grief is worse than others, sometimes I wake up feeling at peace with her passing and other days I feel so sad that she was taken too quickly. It gives me comfort to know my family fought for her and she was so brave and patient until the very end. When we took her in we could have been seen to save her. It was definitely her who saved us! That's a lot more than what some cats get.

Also her spirit in the house has been carried on by our other two gorgeous cats. Clove was never really too friendly towards other cats but in her older age she did enjoy sunning herself with them next to her in the garden. She also used to perform her sentry duty every night without fail, she couldn't sleep unless she'd checked all the vantage points downstairs for feline invaders! Now our other two cats perform this little task every so often. 

I did miss her on my birthday today. The weather has been fairly miserable today, otherwise I would have gone to the garden for a little visit. I haven't ventured out there since we buried her just over three weeks go. I only got back from uni on Friday so I may pop out on christmas eve. 

Thank you again for replying, I think I tend to bottle my emotions up and it has done me the world of good to be able to talk to family and friends and this website too. So sorry again for the loss of your companions, I'm sure they are all watching over us somewhere, their little hearts so full of love. 

30/11/2014 Sweet dreams, Clove. I'll love and miss you always. 
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So sorry to hear about the loss of Clove. Don't apologise for rambling. Lord, with my ramblings, I could produce the next volume of War and Peace. 

Clove sounds delightful and a credit to you. She went through a lot in her little life and she certainly sounded like a little soldier. A stalwart. You must be so proud of her and I can sense the love you felt for her. She loved you too, she always will.

It is heartbreaking to lose a beloved pet. I lost my gorgeous tabby, Gonzo, in July, then said farewell to my wondrous German Shepherd, Solly, in September. The pain still cuts. Gonzo was my feline soul mate, Solly, my canine soul mate. I have lost other pets and the pain was terrible. I loved all of them but there are certain four-legged friends that just get right under your skin. 

Take each day as it comes and work through your grief at your own pace. I have had to do that with my losses. I have bad days and days that aren't quite as bad, but I have to admit I haven't yet been blessed with a good day. I am optimistic that the good days will come back. Grieving is a cruel process. Time is the one thing that will eventually work its magic when the raw, searing pain lessens to a dull ache. We never stop grieving, we simply learn to live with what is.

Take care of yourself. My thoughts are with you and your darling Clove. 

“Death ends a life, not a relationship.” – Jack Lemmon

Solly, Gonzo, Daisy-Mae, Ebony, Jerry, Tigger, Bonnie, Suzy, Cleo, Spike, Sooty, and Tibby – dazzling lights that will never fade. Adored, cherished, I was privileged to know you all. Until we meet again, my beautiful babies. Bowls of love and cuddles, your ever-loving, devoted Mummy xxxxxxxxxx

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Thank you all for your replies, they have brought me much comfort. I am sorry to hear about your losses too, your pets have been lucky to have such compassionate owners. Things with my family went downhill again but the pain started to become less raw, one afternoon I managed to think of some wonderful memories of Clove with a smile. A few days ago I requested some old photos from a now defunct social networking site. I opened the zip files to find the most beautiful picture of my baby girl when she was 4 or 5 years old. It was so unexpected to see a picture of her I didn't anticipate seeing again and I had forgotten I had taken. It opened up a few wounds again and made me think of all the things I miss about her. I am home for the weekend and I look out to see where she is resting and my heart breaks. 

I know in my heart the decision my family made was the absolute kindest things we could have done for her. But her absence has left a big hole in our lives. I have some wonderful friends and family but as we all know none of us are perfect and Clove was my only true ally when things went wrong. One of our other gorgeous cats is not really a cuddle fan with me, he is my sisters soul cat and now I have no cats who snuggle like she did, my room feels very empty at night. Especially when I am low, I feel so alone without feeling her led next to me. 

I will admit I did have a look at cats available for adoption. I know in the near future my family will want to bring another cat to us who needs a loving forever home. I told mum this and I do think they are very keen. It warms my heart to think that another cat could become a part of our family, who really needs to be shown what love is, like we did for Clove. But I study away from home and now coming towards being finished with uni in the summer, my first job will probably be away from home. So I will have no feline companion with me. I know we can never replace these wonderful creatures who meant so much to us. Mum did ask me today 'do you think you'll ever get a cat of your own?'. I know why she asks, she knows cats mean the world to me. I said I would consider it one day, I would like to see more of the world and become more settled in my own home before I open my heart up. I know I won't ever have another cat like Clove though. I was so tremendously lucky to have had such a wonderful companion. And I do miss her awfully. 
30/11/2014 Sweet dreams, Clove. I'll love and miss you always. 
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I am so very sorry for the loss of your beloved Clove, she is such a gorgeous girl!
I lost my feline soulmate on 10/28 and still find it hard to accept he is never going to walk into the room or to see him relaxing in all his favorite spots
When the time is right and you are ready who'll find another wonderful companion who will be special in their own distinct feline way
There will be no replacing Your Clove as she holds a special place in your heart

I too came across some photos recently, they were taken when Bee was less than a year old , they were on an old disposable camera I forgot to get developed 15 years earlier, it's amazing the film was still good
I was so excited you would think I won the lottery but those previously undis overed pictures meant more to me than anything
It was the one happy moment I think I had since I lost him

I wish you peace and healing and good luck with finishing your studies at university

Take care

Bee- "Good night sweet prince & flights of angels see thee to thy rest"
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