Whosmylilbaby
My lil hairy baby had to be put dow on 3/4/20 it was a month long ordeal to find out what was wrong with him. His name was Rasta. He was the sweetest best boy in the world. He was my best friend. He slept with me every day and protected me at night from scary sounds. He was a white bichon with soft fur and the most beautiful dark brown button eyes. I love him so much. He was only 7 1/2. I’m feeling guilty for not selling anything valuable in my house. I would give anything to go back to Tuesday. They offered exploratory surgery for $7000-$10,000. I ran out of money and ran up my care card. I should have tried to come up with it. I regret not trying harder. I went to 4 different vets to see if anyone could find out what was wrong with my sweet baby. The 4th one suggested surgery. He was declining and his lil heart and lungs were being pressed on by inflammation and fluid and making his life not enjoyable. He was so brave and strong and spared my feelings by not complaining. The best boy in the world. I’m devastated. I’m finding it hart to function and the guilt is unbearable. I keep waiting for a sign that he’s ok. Has anyone ever received a sign? Do they really come back to visit? I miss him so much.
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Jan_H
I am very sorry for your loss of your sweet boy Rasta. If the first three vets did not recommend surgery and the fourth one suggested it, I think it is likely that surgery would not have helped and probably would have just caused more suffering.

Clearly Rasta was very much loved and had a wonderful life with you.

Not long after I lost my sweet boy Jagger to cancer I had a dream about him. I was holding him and petting him and it seemed very real.

My condolences,
Jan
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codysmum102
The vets told me I could do brain surgery on my dog Cody (who had a large brain tumor in his frontal lobe that was causing really bad seizures) or radiation or chemo but they couldn't guarantee it would help and it might have even made things worse so I just did palliative care, which consisted of giving him medicine to reduce the swelling in his brain and control the seizures.  He was good for 2 more months and then the tumor got too big for the medicine to help and I didn't want him to suffer so we let him go.  It was the hardest thing I have ever done.  I didn't realize how hard it was going to be either.  I had put other animals to sleep before and although I was sad the pain was not as overwhelming and I was able to continue on.  This knocked me for a loop.  It's been 8 weeks and I am still hard core grieving.   I miss him so very much.  My life revolved around him and now he's gone.

I had a dream about Cody just this past week.  I couldn't find him.  I looked everywhere in this big house and I heard a noise, looked up and saw him running toward me down the hall with this big happy excited smile like he used to have when I would come home from being gone somewhere.  I was just about to pick him him after calling out his name and then I woke up.  It actually didn't make me feel better because it just made me miss and want him more.  I cried my eyes out.  I haven't dreamed of him since.  It may have been a sign that he was OK and didn't want me to worry.  I hope so but all I know is it mad me sad because I can't be with him.

Take care,
Julie   
Julie 💔
"Grief only exists where love lived first."
--Franchesca Cox
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Whosmylilbaby
Thank  you Jan & Julie for sharing and for giving me words of comfort. It’s been a week and I feel worse and so lonely. I wish I could just hug my lil baby again. I had no idea how much my Rasta’s death would impact my life. I’m totally heartbroken. I keep finding lil things that he would scatter. His stuffed animals still smell like him but his bed is loosing his scent more and more everyday. His brush still has  his fur. When will the pain go away?
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Bigcatsdad
I'm so sorry for your loss of Rasta.
You went above and beyond and did all that you could. To let them go is so painful and heart breaking but deep down inside we know its right not to prolong our little furry ones suffering even though it hurts so much. We had to put our 16 year old cat Albert to sleep a little over five weeks ago..He was my best bud and I really miss him. I was devastated and heart broken for the first week and then the guilt and remorse set in really bad in the second. I was looking for a sign, for anything from my big guy Albert to let me know he was OK where ever he was. After the second week I had a dream, it was so clear, so vivid. He was at the end of our bed just waking up from a cat nap, as I walked over he stood up and meowed and meowed, He jumped down and then walked over and jumped up by our bathroom sink where we kept his water glass. He was meowing, I petted him, I could feel his soft fur and feel him purring. I hugged him and told him how much I loved him and how much I missed him and kissed the back of his head. That was it, I woke up. I sat on the edge of the bed to digest that, I turned on all the lights to see if he was really there but it was just a dream. About two weeks later I had a second dream, not as long or as vivid as the first. Albert was sitting on my favorite chair, as I walked up he started meowing, I hugged him and told him I loved and missed him and then it was over. I like to think he stopped in just to see if I was OK and to let me know he was. I hear noises in the house once a while at night, I think it's Albert's spirit just checking to see if everything is OK in the house. I left his favorite blanket on the couch in the place he used to like to sleep. I place the little cedar box with his ashes on his blanket during the day when I go to work. I probably won't move or wash his blanket for a long time.  The house is so quiet and empty since he's gone. I miss him so much, it's just not the same without him. It's gotten a little better over the weeks but I still get a bad day once in a while where I close my eyes and I can see it all over again.
I hope the fond and good memories of Rasta can help heal your heart over time. His spirtit will come and visit you too and be in your heart forever.
My deepest sympathy
Bigcatsdad
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Buddy_Mama
I'm so sorry about your Rasta. I share your pain and heartbreak, and I know the others here do too. I'm devastated after losing my Buddy suddenly and unexpectedly on Saturday night, I feel guilty and it's so hard to function. But I do think Jan is right, that if 3 of the 4 vets you consulted didn't recommend surgery, it's likely that it wouldn't have helped, and may have just caused more suffering. So please don't blame yourself. I haven't had any dreams yet about Buddy, or signs from him, but I desperately hope to... and I hope I have dreams like the ones that Bigcatsdad had. When my dad died 1.5 years ago, months went by before I had any dreams about him. But then I did, and it was wonderful and comforting. Please keep coming here to share your feelings and get support and understanding from others who really, truly know what it's like. Sending you hugs...

Cindy (Buddy's mama)
Cindy (Buddy’s mama)
My baby Buddy 5/4/10-3/7/20, rescued March 2011
My sweet Mandy 11/27/91-11/2/10, rescued November 1992
My beautiful Barney 4/28/73-9/7/92, adopted May 1973
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codysmum102
I wish I knew when the pain would go away. It was 2 months Wednesday since Cody passed and although I am not crying non-stop anymore I still cry pretty much every day. I've read people's posts that say everyone is different and that the grieving is not linear it comes and goes in waves. I'm sorry I can't offer you anything more. Just know you are not alone.
Julie 💔
"Grief only exists where love lived first."
--Franchesca Cox
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Whosmylilbaby

Big cats dad , Cindy and Julie. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me. I am so lucky to have this site to be able to express my feelings to likeminded people. I feel uncomfortable describing my pain to people who really don’t get it. So I’ve stopped talking about it all together. No I can’t “try to forget about it”.  No dreams about my Rasta yet. I went from not sleeping to sleeping too much. I don’t think I want to dream more, I just don’t want to think about the last days of my baby, my loneliness or the fact that he’s not here anymore. I just need to see him somehow. Hear his lil howls. He was a howler not a barker. He was so smart. My best friend. I’m mad at that I had him for only 7 1/2 years Bichons are supposed to live 14 vears! Why was mine taken so soon. The fact that he had a puppy mentality throughout his whole precious life is what hurts so much.  He was so energetic. I just can’t accept it. I miss his eyes looking into mine. I miss his random surprise lil licks in the middle of the night as I’m sleeping. I loved when he did that. he knew when I was stressed and loved his walks. I don’t know if I’ll ever be normal again. He just brought so much Joy to my life. It’s unbearable. 

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Buddy_Mama
I know how you're feeling... I'm feeling all those same things too. Missing so many things about my little guy, our daily routine, things I took for granted that used to be just part of life. Things I never realized how much I'd miss some day - and never thought I'd *have* to miss, at least not for many years to come. Please be good to yourself. Please remember that your Rasta would not want to see you unhappy. If you can try to do something distracting for a while, try to think of a funny memory of Rasta that makes you smile, it will be a wonderful way to honor him, even between the tears. Take care, and keep coming back here to share your feelings and how you're doing. As you know, everyone here truly understands and will never tell you to "try to forget it." Hugs...
Cindy (Buddy’s mama)
My baby Buddy 5/4/10-3/7/20, rescued March 2011
My sweet Mandy 11/27/91-11/2/10, rescued November 1992
My beautiful Barney 4/28/73-9/7/92, adopted May 1973
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