hidinginmyhead
hi

i have never posted about this anywhere before but i don't know what to do. i'm a 28 year old woman from finland. my cat of 19 years died last year 3rd of december, so a bit ago it was the anniversary of his death. i had him since he was a kitten, and i was around 7-8yrs old probably. today again i have been crying for over an hour and i just want to die. i don't know what to do. he was always there for me and i see dreams where he is here and everything is normal. then i wake up and realise it was just a dream and i start to cry. i have his urn here and sometimes its horrible to think about that all he was has been reduced to ashes. but i also like that i have a part of him still here. 

he was the best thing ive ever had, he was so calm, he let me cuddle him to sleep and he never scratched me or anything, he never scratched anyone. i couldnt even make him get "mad" at me (like trying to get him play with my hand) no matter how much i would try to annoy him. he was just overall very very chill cat. i got a new cat pretty soon after i had to put him down (kidney failure) because i couldn't handle the empty room. everything was exactly how it was but he was not coming to meow at me because he wanted food or attention. i overdosed on my sleeping pills that time because i didn't want to be awake, for 2-4 days maybe i don't remember. i also have depression with suicidal/self harm tendencies and general anxiety. 

i have read some things what to do to get over the loss of someone and one of the things are to have nice memories and remember the happy times but those always seem to make me sad and cry. i am going to a psychotherapist next year and i have depression pills and the sleeping pills that also work as a sedation for me if i get too panicy and anxious.

im sorry if this is hard to read or confusing, i cant think straight.
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Gmr
I am so sorry for your loss and all you are going through. I lost my dog Peanut a month ago. I had to put him down. I have been treated for depression and anxiety for years and have been doing well since on meds. But since my baby passed it's been very difficult for me too. I've had to force myself to eat and drink and do the normal daily things. I think the deeper the love we had for our pet the harder it is. I'm glad to hear you will be seeking counseling. Sometimes we just need to acknowledge when we need some extra help. Coming here a writing your feelings or even writing to your pet does help. So try to come and write as much as you can. It's very hard but I know our furbabies would want us to move forward when we can. They always wanted to make us happy. I didn't realize how much mine helped me with my depression until she was gone. I pray for strength every day and a dream to see my furbaby happy and full of life. Your baby has been visiting you in your dreams to let you know she is happy and healthy once again. I pray for strength and peace for you. Hugs
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Gmr
Here is a website to go to to get the number for the support hotline
https://daybydaypetsupport.com/24-7-hotline/
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Gucci
hidinginmyhead - I am so very sorry for the devastating loss of your dear cat. A year isn't actually a very long time to grieve a creature with whom you shared your life for such a long time!

I'm glad you found this forum. We here all understand how awful it is to endure the absence of a beloved companion, no matter how they left us. He sounded like an absolutely wonderful creature, and your love for him as you interacted with him comes through so clearly in your description of his personality.

It's completely normal to feel disoriented and 'foggy'. You are grieving the loss of a daily companion, and your routine with him has now been irrevocably shattered. You mentioned that you're in Finland. Do they have support groups or hotlines for those grieving the loss of animals? I hope your psychotherapy sessions next year will be of help.

I also hope you feel supported and comforted by sharing your feelings with us on the forum.

I'm including a link to a web site that has some wonderfully understanding articles about loss and grieving. While it's about losing a human, the principles are exactly the same, as you've lost a member of your inner circle, your family.

https://www.refugeingrief.com/2013/11/18/rules-at-impact-how-to-survive-early-grief/


Sending my deepest sympathies, and wishing you moments of peace; 'anniversaries' are always so difficult...


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Luna_90
I wish I had something more helpful to say, but I get where you're coming from. I had Luna for 17 years and I'm a year older than you. I had to let her go last year and I find myself a complete mess at the drop of a hat. It's almost like it happened yesterday. It hard. It so very hard and you just want to go to sleep to forget the pain of it all. But I try to tell myself that my girl wouldn't want me to do that. She'd be disappointed and sad if she knew that I left this world because I wasn't able to go on without her. If there is a thing like an after life, when I see her again, I want to meet her with my head held high, and not hanging low in shame or regret. But it's such a very hard task to look down the road and know that we have to leave them behind. But this forum is here to help.
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