Tuesday night everything was fine.  Wednesday Morning I woke up to go to work and realized by sweet loving boy Roary was not waiting outside my bedroom door as he usually is.  Instead he slowly climbed the stairs, Panting.  I rushed him to the emergency vet (it was 5am) they drew .5liters of fluid out of his chest, did x-rays, bloodwork etc, and let him go home telling me to follow up with a Cardiologist.  By Friday he had fluid in his chest again nd when he was getting an echo-cardiogram (with ultrasound) they saw a huge mason his chest pressing on his heart and some smaller masses.  Metastatic Cancer. they drew the fluid out and let me take him home last night.  I will probably have to put him down today or tomorrow.  My heart is breaking.  I can't stop crying.  I am ins hock and numb and feel crazy with grief and don't know how I will do this,.  we literally just put down our other cat who died after several months of lymphoma.  I have ll kinds of guilt for ignoring this kitty to take care of that kitty.  I have been in health crisis myself. I have not been the loving mother I should have been.  I feel sick and miserable and don't know what to do.
He is only 10 years old.
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I'm very sorry about your Roary.  Nothing can prepare us for making a decision like this.  And the inevitable guilt - these thread are filled with people feeling guilt for what they did, or what they did not do.  I'm no exception.  Sadly it comes with the responsibility of looking after a beloved pet.  Rest assured they do know how much you love them.  The fact you are here is proof enough of that.  I wish you the strength to get through what needs to be done and know that, in time, the good memories will be with you always.
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Dear RedGirlRaven,

I had to put down my beloved cat Marmalade just over 4 weeks ago. He was a stray cat I adopted in New Mexico and brought back with me to Los Angeles. He was very sick when I met him in the high desert. He had dried & caked black pus around his mouth area, his nose and on his paws from where he had used them to try and clean himself. His ears were blackened from having to endure mite infestations. He was deaf from the mite infections. He could barely eat. He would choke and gag when trying. He was scrawny and looked anemic.

For 4.2 years he and I worked together to try and get him into better shape and address his health problems. Antibiotics, ear cleanings, mite medication, blood work, Ultrasounds, X-ray and rotating foods etc. I took him to 5 Vets. He fought hard and became a handsome, beautiful strong Tom-Cat. His ears, mouth area and nose became as pink as a kittens. His paws white as snow. He was proud, noble, dignified, loving, kind, sweet, gentle, silly and loyal. He was my best friend. My only family. My only company. In the end, I couldn't save him.

Many of us feel exactly the way that you do: 

"My heart is breaking.  I can't stop crying.  I am in shock and numb and feel crazy with grief."

Please know that you are not alone. What you are experiencing is normal. It is your trying to make the decision to end the pain & suffering of your cat, as you did with your other cat who you felt had to be put to sleep. As you must have learned with your choosing to end your other cats pain and suffering, if you chose to do put down your cat with  Metastatic Cancer, you will in effect trade your cat's pain & suffering for your future pain & suffering. You will absorb what your cat is enduring, just in a different manner. You will trade his pain...for your pain. This is the pact you will make. As you did with your cat with Lymphoma.

As you well know, cancer is a painful and often agony inducing illness. And often terminal. It is a difficult decision you are facing once again. These are probably some  of the most difficult decisions you will experience in your life time. It is a personal decision. 

When I saw my boy his final day, I said to myself: "YOU ARE NOT GOING TO FURTHER DETERIORATE OR SUFFER. BECOME EVEN MORE OF A SHADOW OF YOUR FORMER SELF. NOT FOR ONE MORE HOUR! NOT ON MY WATCH!" My own feelings, what I would be forced to face by putting him down / ending his life, did not even come into one single brain cell at the time. I knew what I had to do. But my World is now shattered. My heart is broken into millions of pieces. I walk around like a zombie. Overwhelmed with guilt, regret, remorse, sorrow. I 2nd guess my choice in an endless loop in my mind, which has almost driven me completely insane.

"I have not been the loving mother I should have been."

On the contrary, you are trying to consider putting your cat's well being first, over YOUR own well being. Just the fact that you are doing so shows you are a "loving Mother."

Like many chose to do, you can allow your cat to continue to live, in possible pain, suffering and even agony, simply 'let nature take it's course', so that you don't have to be the one responsible for facilitating the end of your cats life, thus avoiding paying that ultimate price - Massive grief, regret, remorse, sorrow, self-doubt and endless second guessing. For me, and many of us posting here, we thought we had no choice. We HAD to end the pain & suffering. And take that pain & suffering on to ourselves. It is a highly personal matter. I am so, so sorry you are having to face it once again after losing your other cat so recently too.
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I am so sorry for your difficult decision. We all know the emotions you are encountering. I had to make the difficult choice to release my 12 year old best buddy, Charlie, last Wednesday. It was the hardest decision of my life.

In addition to the support from this forum, my aunt told me something that really resonated with me. She said that “animals deserve dignity in death too”. It is such a true statement. I chose to let my little man have a dignified end of life. I gave him the gift of a peaceful departure in my arms, free from pain and agony.

I know it is an agaonizing decision and it was all I could do to run out of the vet with him in my arms to “save him”. But I wouldn’t really have been saving him. I would have been choosing selfishly to continue his pain.

I did not feel this way in the moment, and I still have to continuously fight the crying, guilt, sorrow, and second-guessing. But, I would shoulder all of this and more to not have my kitty suffer. As I’ve been told on here, we take on their suffering to release them from theirs.

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So,so many of us had to do what is so
very painful in putting our Cats to sleep.

Yet,in most cases it just had to be done
or our precious pets would just suffer

In fact,I just want to cry writing about
having to make such a horrible decison.

But,we really did not have any 
choice in the matter.  

For we just cannot allow our precious
pets to suffer irregardless of how much
pain it causes to us in letting them

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