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Ronnie

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Reply with quote  #46 
Hi,

I can sympathize completely. I sit in my chair and keep looking at the armrest where Talyn would be sitting right next to me. I wish I could snuggle and hold him one more time and bury my nose in his neck/shoulders and make him purr so loud. I also pace back and forth, keep looking for him in his usual places...and call out to him out loud telling him I still love him and miss him deeply....it's been 7 weeks now, and it still hurts the same, like it was yesterday...I feel like I have no direction or purpose.
It helps to talk to folks who are going through it, but doesn't lessen the pain...

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Ronnie A
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Memories_of_Marmalade

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Reply with quote  #47 

Dear Colleen,

It's been 13 weeks for me and I am still grieving my loss of my dear boy Marmalade. I can not believe what has happened. It is still so unreal. I miss him so much. My dear, dear lad. : *** ( 

He made everything right for me, no matter what we endured. As soon as I saw him, I immediately lit up. And he could see me smile, and I would exclaim his name as if I had not seen him in ages. Even if it was 1/2 hour ago. Lol. He knew how much I truly loved, adored and completely cherished him.

We had a mutual admiration society that consisted of just him and I. And that is all that we needed. He would sit on my lap and I would smile and place my hand on my chest over my heart, and then gently onto his little chest and over his heart and say:

"Me & you."

"Me & you."

"Me & you."

And he would blink slowly at me, as if he understood what I was trying to say.

He was the bright light in my life. He was the sun to me. He shined so brightly. Oh how I miss him so.

James
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Custy

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Reply with quote  #48 
Hi Ronnie and James
Thank you so much for replying to my post. I'd guess writing and talking about how we feel about our beloved pets helps a little. The worst reality was coming home at night when it first happened was the hardest for me because he knew when our car pulled in the driveway we would be by the deck door waiting and wouldn't calm down until he saw me. When I cried he would come and lick my leg or arm to let me know that he was here for me. I said to him a number of times "You and Mommy are going to run away together. We were supposed to run away together. I'm crying just writing that. Don't get me wrong I love my family but my Rebel was my Best Friend, my companion and he gave me unconditional love. My husband doesn't that putting his beautiful wooden box with name on it of ashes and his foot print that the Vet gave me on his bed healthy for me and that is just what I have to do right now. I'm not okay will I will be in my own time and I don't want to be judged on my grieving. I think when my other dogs passed away I grieved but I was young. In 2001 my Bo passed away from Cancer of the throat and cried and cried for weeks then in 2003 my Missy got killed by a car and the car didn't even stop and that took me for a loop laid in bed wouldn't go to work and then by Feb of 2004  We adopted Rebel and he was a blessing in disguise. Bo and Missy were brother and sister. We also had a cat who adopted us and his names Kitty kat. Never had a cat before but he was beautiful and gentle. He was 16 when he passed of liver disease. Missy hit me hard because I felt and still I killed her by letting her out in the front to urinate before I left for work and she ran after a chipmunk. They collie mixes great dogs and I haves their ashes and I tell Rebel every night be nice to your sisters and brothers and play nice.
Rebel has hit me the hardest because I didn't feel alone with him. Tuesday of this week was 2 months and boy did I cry. I have some of his hair in a baggy under my pillow with his picture. I'm constantly talking to him. With all his things not in sight I get this ugly feeling that he never existed and that makes me angry how can I think that. I remember the little things he did and when something reminds me of what he would do I think it and say it at loud to my family. I'm going to go and light another candle on the Monday night ceremony . I'll keep reading the posts and writing. We can all help each other to heal. My Beloved Rebel I Love you so much it hurts and will always love you. Until we meet over the rainbow look for me. I hope he is not too lonely without me and he plays and run like he love to. I know he is near I do hear sometimes at night moving around the room.
Custy



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Colleen Allis
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Bibbi

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Reply with quote  #49 
Thank you every1 for replying, it is so sad to hear about all of your losses - and my heart goes out to you all!

Im at day 16 without my Ludwig, and im really struggling. My life has no meaning, and im questioning the meaning of everything. My light is truly gone. I cant plan my day, I cant even plan 1 hour ahead. If i think about my beloved Ludwig, I break down with panick and realise Im not gonna see him around again and i dont understand how I can go on living. Is this it? Am I gonna wake up every morning for the rest of my life, feeling like this? Am I gonna spend the rest of my life waiting to die to see him again?
I dont want to talk with any1, family or friends; they are sad too, but it doesnt feel like they truly understand the impact on me that Ludwig is gone. They live like normal, I dont understand how they can, it is so bisarre they are smiling and talking about normal everyday stuff... it is unreal to me.. I know im babbling...
Family are suggesting that i get a new dog, which terrifyes me - how can i love another dog when i know i will loose them too? I am not looking for a replacement, no1 can replace Ludwig, I just want to know if he is out there somewhere, and if he is fine... is he happy playing around with other animals at RB? Is he sad missing me? Is he in pain? Is he scared or lonely? Is he? Is he around me? Can he feel me and see me? Am I making him feel worse by grieving so hard? I just want to give him my love again.. and i cant...
I never realised i had this many tears..
I love you forever Ludwig <3
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FClaire

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Reply with quote  #50 
Bibbi, all your thoughts and feelings are exactly mine. Its three weeks ago today that we lost Ollie, but it seems so much longer. My family are getting on with their lives, going out smiling etc. I had to question them,Their reply We are grieving and heartbroken, but we cant sit around like you crying all the time. We all grieve differently they said. And I understand that I think. The amount of people who have said to me about getting a new dog! No sorry I dont want another one. How could I replace ollie he was so special to us and even before we lost him,we always said we wouldn't get another. This was his house, he was the boss!!!! He would hate it if we brought another pet into it, I know. Why do people say these things? If we lose a human person, we dont go out and replace them do we? Dont get me wrong I can understand why some do, because that emptiness is just horrible, but no I can't do it. Only want my Ollie. All I'm doing is taking it one day at a time,that's all we can do. I have forced myself out the last couple of days, just for an hour. It's hard because it's just like you are walking around in a daze. And the pain is excruciating when I get home and no ollie to greet me. It frightens the life out of me when I start to think of moving forward, because I suddenly realise ollie wont be with me. That feeling is just so painful. But we have to, so I am trying slowly, and that's all you can do too. Love and hugs to you xxx
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Bibbi

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Reply with quote  #51 
Hugs to you FClaire <3
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redgirlraven

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Reply with quote  #52 
Clair and Bibi, everything you have said is so very true for me as well. At least it was (and sometimes still is). I still cry, but it isn’t every day now. At the two week mark I cried several times a day every day. I still hurt, but it’s more of an ache and less of a heart stopping pain like it was before. I too literally asked my 8 year old daughter “didn’t you love Roary?” (I wish I had not done that- not proud of it) because she wasn’t grieving as I was. It’s so isolating to be where you are right now.
I would be completely lying if I told you I was back to where I was before my sweet Roary died. I’m not. I still have a huge hole in my heart. I even feel guilty that the pain isn’t as acute and overwhelming as it was before all of the time. It does still come on waves but the waves are more spaced out and they don’t drag me completely under as they did before.
My sweet love has been gone for 7 weeks now. I miss him desperately and it still haunts me but I can move now. I literally got a prescription for physical therapy (I have some medical issues too at present) and I the guided physical activity has helped me. I needed to sweat. I take medication to sleep so I won’t lie awake spinning in my head the cycle of regret,guilt, and desperate need to change something I can’t.
Please don’t hear this as me saying I am all better now - I’m not. But I have now glimpses of what my new normalcy might look like and as much as I want it to be with Roary (and here comes a wave) it won’t be. I hate that truth. I do. But now, I can see that I can at least survive this. When I was at week 2,3,and 4 I wasn’t sure I could.
I know it’s different for everyone. I think there is hope the pain will ease for both of you in time. I wish I could tell you how long. Remember that if it doesn’t and if it becomes too intense or lasts so long that you are exhausted by it and cannot continue on there is medication to sleep and medication for mood (antidepressants) that can at least give you a chance to breath again without the weight of your grief on your chest. There is nothing wrong in seeking medical help to ease the physical pain you are in from grief. But I think at week two is when the reality really set in for me - before it seemed so surreal and I could almost pretend he was still at the vet. Week two is also when the people around me moved on and if I started crying would look at me and ask “what’s wrong?” And I would say “Roary” and they would
Look annoyed and ask “Really? Still?” it was a very isolating time for sure.

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FClaire

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Reply with quote  #53 
Redgirlraven, thankyou so much for that. And I am deeply sorry also for your loss of Roary. You have given me hope that I can get through this and get back to some sort of normality, albeit a new one and sadly without my Ollie. (Cry) Yes at the minute that thought scares me to death and upsets me deeply. I dont think we will ever be back to the way we were before we lost our baby's, I think there is always going to be a huge hole in our hearts. But we do have to try and move forward I know, very hard at this moment in time, but it has to be done. I do realise now ollie isn't coming back, and knowing that is excruciating. I just miss him so so much tears again now!! Thankyou again your reply means a lot ❤ xxx
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judylinn

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Reply with quote  #54 
Dearest Bibbi...Your words were the same exact words and feelings I felt when Maddie passed. I simply did not believe that I could make it through. The deep pain you are feeling right now will start to change as time progresses. For me it was a while and I really think what mainly helped me was this site and also the live chat on this site. I came here everyday and pored my heart out as I knew everyone here understood. Have hope that it will change with time and grieving..It did for me and it will for you..but it takes more than a few weeks. Just know there are many people here that will be here for you...sending you love and prayers...Judylinn
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Shannon3000

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Reply with quote  #55 
Reading all of these stories has helped me stop crying for the moment just knowing others are out there experience the same debilitating grief that I am. Riley was put to sleep yesterday and it is making me physically ill. For the past 10 years I would sing to him, "Mama said they'll be days like this", but replace mama with his name. "Riley said they'll be days like this, they'll be days like this, Riley said!" Well, right after Riley crossed the rainbow bridge he let me know he was in heaven because THAT SONG HAD JUST COME ON THE RADIO! It may have been a coincidence, but that moment has been the only time I wasn't the saddest girl in the world since.

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Memories_of_Marmalade

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Reply with quote  #56 



I believe synchronicity it evidence of the divine. 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Synchronicity

: )

Hugs,
James
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redgirlraven

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Reply with quote  #57 
I wish I had a take like that to tell
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Shannon3000

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Reply with quote  #58 
Well, now that I've read some articles on how you can ask for a sign and music is a great way to do that, "In this life I was loved by you" just came on the radio as I was in my car. I haven't heard any of these songs in many years. It's almost reassuring. 
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redgirlraven

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Reply with quote  #59 
That’s so great.
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Bibbi

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Reply with quote  #60 
Thank you, all of you; for your comments, thoughts and love - seeing that you have endured this pain too gives me alittle hope that its possible to pull through.
I wish i was a bear so i could go into hibernation for some months.. just sleep, rest and just forget this pain.
Mornings are so tough, waking up and realising the nightmare is real - and the train of pain just hits me all over again.. It is so hard!
Sending you all hugs, love is forever!!!
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