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Bibbi

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I lost my Golden Retriever, Ludwig, 2 days ago. He became 14 years and 2 months old. He was diagnosed with a hemiangiosarcoma 1 month ago, and the ultrasound showed a spleen mass the size of a football. The vet told me he was too old for a surgery to remove it, and that he should live as normal, with no extra treatment for the tumor and to look out for signs of his gums whitening as it would suggest an internal bleeding. At the time of the diagnose i had seen signs that his health was declining.. and i knew something was wrong. I have later read everything i could about the cancer, to recognize the signs of bleeding, i changed his diet to cope better - and i was evaluating him every day, every hour. He became more and more tired, slept alot, and didnt move positions when sleeping. At walks he started to stumble, and i later learned that was bleeding from the tumor causing a sudden blood pressure drop making him dizzy. The last days he started to shake in his hind legs when he was sleeping, he had episodes lasting a couple of seconds of muscle ataxia, and he was very clingy and showing me intense love - and i took it as signs of him knowing he was getting closer to a fatal bleed from the tumor. We called the vet to make an appointment for euthanasia, as we knew the time was getting very close, and that last day he was laying at home sleeping almost all day - he still made his walks outside with us, but he was very slow and tired. I slept beside him all night and i had a blanket over his hind legs as he was getting cold on them. I spent the day beside him, I massaged his legs, and gave him all the love and attention and kissing i could. We made him blueberry cupcakes, his favorite, and he lighted up - even wagged his tail and got very excited and happy about that.
His passing was very peaceful, and i was holding him and kissing him between the eyes, as he loved so much. And i broke totally down, I needed to feel him getting cold, and for his tongue to turn blue before i realised he was dead. I was so scared he would wake up again, so i had the vet check him several times that he was dead. And i just wanted to keep holding him, it was devestating to let go of the embrace.
Now, 2 days later, im still in this nightmare, and i just cant stop crying, im shaking throughout my whole body in waves, and i just want to wake up from this nightmare.
I truly lost the light in my life, and i need to know i will see him again...
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FClaire

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Reply with quote  #2 
Bibbi
I'm so so sorry on your loss of Ludwig. We lost Ollie our westie a week ago today and we are absolutely heartbroken. I know exactly how you are feeling and it's just horrible. The pain is so strong, I just want ollie back. The house is so empty, our lives feel empty. I'm just about getting through the day. Cant go out, cant eat. Lost about 7lbs so I know I need to try but it's hard as just feel sick all the time. I'm really feeling it today. Each day actually seems to be getting harder. I feel your pain so much. What we need to try and think is they are no longer suffering Easier said than done I know at this moment in time xx
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Bibbi

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Reply with quote  #3 
Hi FClaire and thank you for your words. I am so sorry for your loss too, its just so dark and the grief is overwhelming - i understand you completely. I am not eating too on the 3rd day now, and i break down crying and shaking uncontrollably all the time.. I also just want my baby back..
Hug to you.
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redgirlraven

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I am so very sorry I had a cat die from hemangiosarcoma. She had it on her foot, we had her leg amputated, Chemo for 6 weeks and it did buy her some time but eventually it spread to her lungs..  It is a horrible cancer.  We all know what this loss feels like and I am so sorry for you.  I just lost another cat to cancer 6 weeks ago and am still reeling.  I hope you can find some peace.  Another resource is daybydaypetsupport.com they have a 24/7 hotline too, and for me it helped to talk with someone.  I love the compassion here too.
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FClaire

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Reply with quote  #5 
I'm sat here now cuddling his blanket and wailing. I know he wouldn't want me to be sad, but god it's so hard not to be. The guilt the what ifs are so strong. He was such a character and he could tell me what he wanted by just looking at me, he was so clever. Use to tell him all the time he was a little nuisance, always under my feet and demanding. Feel so guilty over that. But like my husband keeps reminding me, "yes but he had you wrapped around his little paw" And he did. He was our first dog, he was extra special because originally he was bought for our daughter's 18th, but as time went by, he really became my baby. It was just like having another child. I will never get another one because he was so special, and I couldn't put myself through this heartache again. Far too painful..Just want him back so much. The thought of tomorrow the day after, next week, next month without him frightens the hell out of me. Hugs to you both also. Freda xxx
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Mistysmama

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Reply with quote  #6 
Dear Bibbi, blessings to Ludwig's Soul. He sounds like a wonderful dog.

My girl Misty had hemangiosarcoma too. She was fit, well, and amazing at nearly 15, showed no signs of aging but then some smooth lumps appeared overnight. The vet found the hemangiosarcoma after he tested the lumps, and gave her an abdominal ultrasound, when he found it was on her spleen, and liver too.

She had an internal bleed, but the vet called it a "slow bleed". She recovered, but was tremendously weak after that -yet still able to have some enjoyment of her life. But six days later she had a massive bleed, and I had her put to sleep.

Chemo doesn't usually work very well for this, and removing the spleen doesn't cure it either. The cancer has already spread all over (it travels by the blood vessels)

I was just like you are right now. Inconsolable, couldn't eat, didn't know what to do or where to go without my girl. We were very very close, as I feel you were with Ludwig. My heart broke.

Sometimes a very special Soul comes into our lives, and when they have to leave to "go home" it is so hard for us to manage without them.

They light our lives....then it's like the light goes out.

The one most amazing thing was that after a few weeks I received "visits" from my Misty, and was shown by her that she was all right where she had gone. More than all right ! Wonderful!
I could hardly believe it at first but she kept showing me -nothing was forgotten; her love was still with me.
Now I know they live after death and will always love us. They do not forget.

Seven years have passed, and sometimes I still get visits and contact with her, and her love is still as strong. This seems to show me that they do wait for us.

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Hold the love like a little light. It is all you have, or will ever have, to find your way home.

Misty's Blog..a Dogfight with Cancer http://www.mistysblog69.blogspot.co.uk

Misty's life after death: http://www.dog2spirit.com
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Bibbi

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Reply with quote  #7 
Dear Mistysmama, thank you so much for sharing your story - I am sorry for your loss too!

I read your blog, and i can relate to you very much as i feel Ludwig's presence also at times. The second day he was gone i am sure he was following me on a walk with my horse, i could feel him running in front of me - stopping now and then to look back making sure i was following him, i could feel his love as a warm energy and he made me smile with his happy adventerous face looking at me in the middle of this torturous pain of him not being here. It may be wishful thinking, it may be neural memory - i dont know, but i feel his energy around me.

I dont want to scare anyone here, but i read in another post that its completely normal to think about suicide just to be with our loved ones again, and i have been thinking this as an option for a long time - even before he died. The day after he passed it was an overwhelming wave of energy from him telling me not to choose that, and i felt he would be with me in spirit to support me unntill my time came and we could be together again. I want to say to everyone who thinks the same as me that i am listening to him, and it is not an option for me now - that is not what he wants for me. I really hope i will be reunited with him when my times comes, it feels as if he is sure of it...

Still the pain is so overwhelming, cos all i want is to be with him again.
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FClaire

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Reply with quote  #8 
Bibbi I also had those thoughts, which is so out of character for me.Still going through my mind because I want to be with ollie desperately. I'm so worried whose looking after him, is he stressing for me. But I do then tell myself he wouldn't want me feeling like this. I do hope he is around me, haven't felt that yet😒😒😒 I'm clinging on to the thought that I will be with him one day. Every day is getting harder,miss him so so much😒😒😒
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Bibbi

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Bibbi

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Reply with quote  #10 
Wanted to post a photo of Ludwig his last day getting ready for favorite blueberry muffins...
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FClaire

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Reply with quote  #11 
Awww Bibbi, Ludwig is beautiful πŸ’™ xxx
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Bibbi

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Reply with quote  #12 
Thank you FClaire!

I just woke up on the 4th day without him, got out of bed in tears and i broke down immediately, just laying on the floor next to the bed crying. I really dont have any wish to get through they day without him...
I am panicking cos i cant be with him... this is getting harder and harder...
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judylinn

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Reply with quote  #13 
Bibbi..I felt the same way..I din't think I could go on..but for me...I reframed some of my grief by deciding to do everything I could to honor the life and love that Maddie and I shared. One thing I learned was to make sure to allow the emotions to come by crying or yelling or whatever...so the pain can move through you. whenever I tried to not feel... the pain just got more desperate and bigger. I got through it with the love and help from people on this site.
I totally believe that our beautiful fur babies are all around us...Many many times I have had the sense that Maddie was close by and also had some amazing what I feel were little visits from her...not so much at the beginning because I was just in too much pain to see it.
 You will get through it. It's been 9 years a few days ago for me..I still kiss Maddie's picture goodnight everynight and I miss her but I feel her so strong in my heart...Ludwig is solid right there in your heart...sending prayers and love..Judylinn
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FClaire

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Reply with quote  #14 
Bibbi, I have exactly the same feelings, you are not alone. At the minute that seems to be one of the hardest parts for me, as soon as I open my eyes I realize I have to get out of bed, knowing ollie is not going to be downstairs waiting for me. I dont want to get up, so forcing myself at the minute. Really upset this morning as it just seems a long time ago he was here. I'm like you I just want to be with him, to cuddle him and tell him I'm sorry for the decision we had to make. What's also scaring me is the thought of getting through this pain, moving forward and I will forget about him, all his cheeky ways, his annoying little ways. His stubbornness, his demands. His kisses.his loyalty everything if that makes sense. (Crying again) Are these normal feelings, I dont know. This is so hard. Keep coming on here Bibbi like me, it's the only place at the minute where I feel and know people understand xx
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Ronnie

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Reply with quote  #15 
"Now, 2 days later, im still in this nightmare, and i just cant stop crying, im shaking throughout my whole body in waves, and i just want to wake up from this nightmare. 
I truly lost the light in my life, and i need to know i will see him again..."

I know that feeling exactly. It's been 5 weeks since my precious baby boy left me, and getting up for work in the morning is the hardest thing to do now, because he was always right there. Coming home is also the hardest, because he isn't running up to greet me and tell me how much he missed me, and vice versa. Even when he was alive I missed him at work all day, and would wonder what he was up to 'at that moment'. 

I keep waking up hoping it was a bad dream, or wishing I could go back, and just get him to the vet a FEW minutes sooner, he might still be alive. I waited too long and he just died about 3 minutes before I got to their office...literally minutes...because I misinterrpreted what was really going on until it was too late. I didn't even get to hug or kiss my baby boy on his last day. That guilt is chewing me up, and then you get this hollow empty feeling, and event he sun shines differently. Nothing tastes or feels right. I too hope I get to see him again. Religion has provided little to no comfort, as this sort of thing just isn't mentioned much, if at all...
I can say that I feel exactly what you are going through, and you wonder if you will ever feel normal again. I feel your loss, as it is much like mine. Talyn was truly a 'once in a generation' special boy as I'm sure yours is.
Again, my condolences

sincerely,

Ronnie, Talyn's Daddy




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