I'm just looking for a safe space to process the things I'm feeling.... It feels unbearable.
My cat had a upper respiratory tract infection. She was starting to get better 2 days after being on antibiotics and then the third morning I noticed her breathing rate was really high and breathing looked labored even though her upper respiratory symptoms were getting better. The vet took an x-ray in March and missed a tumor growing in her lungs. They did a repeat chest x-ray and found a lot of fluid in the plural space that was compressing her lungs. The tumor looked bigger on this x-ray. The vet said I had the option of trying to take the fluid out of the pleural space. So I opted to try. The vet said my baby cat was really distressed during the procedure. She said it was difficult to withdraw the fluid and she only got a small amount out. The fluid was “thick and chunky.” The vet said that even if she took the fluid out, it would come back because of the tumour and it’s not fair to the kitty to let her suffer with struggling to breathe.
I’m having so much trouble with guilt. Thinking I didn’t do enough. I should’ve done more. I should’ve asked more questions. I should have done anything instead of let her life be taken from her. Even if it was something small to give her a couple more days. Just a couple more days to love her and hold her. She was in my arms. She trusted me to keep her safe and I let her life be taken from her.
Some of my thoughts sound like. I don’t even know if the growth in her lung was cancerous. Couldn’t she have sedated her to do the procedure of taking fluid out of the lungs? Maybe then she could have gotten more out. Maybe the fluid wouldn’t have come back as quickly as the vet thought and I’d have much more time with her. Maybe the fluid was from the infection and not the tumor and we could’ve withdrawn it and done IV antibiotics. Why didn’t I request the fluid withdrawn from her lungs be tested instead of just let her die? She was still alert and bright but just really struggling to breathe and the vet said it's better now than to wait until she has to suffer so much she becomes lethargic and unconscious. I failed her. I was her voice and I failed her. And I regret it so much. I feel so broken.