I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet precious Boomer.
Grief is awful and there is nothing else like this pain.
I am divorced - when I was married I buried my son- at that time I became a Certified Grief Counselor- I used the same graveside service for my Bear as I did for my son.
Please know that when we lose someone we love we don't stop loving them -
LOVE NEVER DIES.
The soul bound connection that is between our babies and ourselves is forever.
Nothing - not death- tears -grief - or sadness will ever break the ties between us for those ties are made of LOVE so strong that NOTHING will ever sever those connections.
Boomer most definitely knows that you love him and she loves you the same.
LOVE NEVER DIES.
When we grieve for those we love it is because we do not quite know how to live without them. We breathe because we have no choice but the living part takes a huge amount of learning and time.
Grief is not something we get over but something that we learn -slowly- over time- to incorporate into our lives until it becomes a part of us like our bones and our breath.
My Bear is my whole world and my life and my soul. We curled up together for a nap and only I woke up.
Obviously this was quite different from your trauma but is was quite sudden and shocking too. My Bear was 14. I too could not bring myself to go into the house when I got home. It didn't matter from where I was coming I would sit in the driveway in the car and often fell asleep sitting in the driveway trying to bring myself to go inside. Bear and I were never apart from his first kiss on my nose he gave me when he was 8 weeks old. I was exhausted all of the time since I could not sleep without him - which is why I think I fell asleep in the driveway. It is so very difficult when all we lived for was to spend time with our babies and then we have to come home to a house without them.
Mistysmama is right and the one thing you said that made me certain is that he was cold to the touch. That is a very common pre-death occurrence. The fact that sweet Boomer didn't even know you and was so very confused is another sign. Also no vet would recommend anything that can never be undone with out believing that medically it was the kindest thing to do. Vets care about and love their patients and do not like to PTS someone's beloved baby. We all "what if" ourselves when something happens out of the blue. I still miss Bear everyday and talk to him all of the time. Time will make things easier - not better exactly - just a little easier.
Please know that we all understand here and we are all here for you.
We are all in this together and all walking the same roller coaster path of grief together -
some a bit ahead of you, some by your side, and some will come behind for you to help along.
Please come back and share more of your life with Boomer with us so we can get to know him better through you. You can come here when you get home from work and just write whatever you are feeling. It will help you to get your feelings out and we will all be here for you. If you don't feel like writing here you can write a journal of your feelings. I always found that the friends and community here helped me so much more than being even more isolated by writing alone at home. I did that too but because we are a community and we all care for each other it may help you to know that everything you are feeling is normal grief.
Please know I am thinking of you and Boomer and the Love you share and will always share and I will always be here for you, as will we all.
You Are In My Heart and Thoughts.