It all happened so fast. My poor baby, Zeina, was such a healthy and happy kitty, then a few days ago she chewed on a pain pill that I had dropped by mistake and didn't realize was on the floor.

The next morning I wake up and see the chewed tablet. I confirm with poison control that the substance can be toxic to cats, so I immediately rush her to the pet ER and have her hospitalized. She was doing so well and was set to be discharged two days later, but then I got a call on the eve of her discharge from the doctor saying that her kidney values were suddenly very bad. My worst fears were confirmed. 

My choices were either intensive treatment for 24 hours with fluid therapy and a food tube to give her a chance of fighting back, or dialysis which would have taken three weeks and would have cost me at least $20,000-$30,000. The dialysis was the better option but the survival rate was only about 50% chance of her surviving and even less that she would survive without permanent kidney damage. I took the first option because I couldn't afford the dialysis, and because I didn't want to put my poor anxious cat through three weeks of painful therapy. I just wanted her to come home.

I talked to a number of doctors and vets who said that if her numbers improved after the therapy, she would survive, but if they didn't, there was little hope. The 24 hours after I put her into intensive therapy were so painful for me. I had trouble sleeping, all I could do was think of her and pray that she would be strong enough to make it through. I told some family and friends and they were all rooting for her too. Unfortunately last night I got a call and it was bad news. She was doing a bit better, but not enough to signify a recovery. Her kidneys would soon fail after taking her off fluids.

I was so devastated. I gathered some of her favorite things, including her bed, her teddy bear, and her favorite food ball. Just picking them up made me break down thinking of how I had failed her, failed to save her and bring her home. She was such an anxious kitty, but she would always light up when she was with me at home. I just wanted to relive that at least one more time.

I visited her at the ER in a visiting room and I was horrified. The poor thing had been through so much, she looked tired and disoriented. She had food and fluids on her cheeks. What had I done to her? I just wanted to save her.

It made the decision to put her down a little easier, but reliving the moment of her dying in my arms is so horrifying. I was losing my best friend and there was nothing I could do. I miss her so much. I miss her purring, I miss her cuddles, I miss her sitting on my lap while I played video games, I miss her cute meows and her complaining for more food. I miss everything, and I feel so guilty for everything I had put her through.

Here is my baby Zeina before her intensive treatment, it's how I want to remember her. [SOYuoLl] 

I love you so much and I hope you're waiting for me at the rainbow bridge.

I don't know if I will be strong enough to adopt another pet, the pain is so much and I feel so guilty. Thank you for reading this, it helps to talk about it a little bit.

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What a beautiful kitty she is and I am so sorry for your loss. I truly believe that she will be waiting for you at the Rainbow Bridge. I loss my furbaby on Thursday and I miss him so much. I had bloodwork done on Wednesday and they told me to bring him in that day. They were getting ready to close but would wait for me. He was in kidney failure and it was critical. But my mind didnt want to believe it cause we were playing that morning! He was 19 years old I knew that it had to be done. My husband passed away in 2009 and he found him in our backyard. Then a couple mos later i come home and see another kitty. My husband swears he brought her home to us lol. This kitty was in bad shape and didn't think she would make it. She is here now and looking all over for her friend. That breaks my heart too. They give us unconditional love and I believe that they know they are loved by us. Again I am sorry for your loss. Big Hugs xo
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Dear Iamsad, Please know that mistakes can happen so easily. We all make them so you need to let go of the guilt. Your post radiates love for sweet Zeina. She was lucky to be loved so very much by you and she knew it and she loved you in return. You cared for her until the last minute when you held her while she left this world for a better one. My own belief is that we all have a set amount of time here. So I believe it was simply Zeina’s time and you did everything you could for her including having the strength to let her go even though it broke your heart. This forum is a good place to talk about how difficult your loss is because everyone understands. Don’t worry about adopting another pet. If and when the time is right it will happen. Right now be good to yourself and recognize that you are going through such a difficult time, the loss of your Zeina. She was such a beautiful girl. Thank you for posting her picture and sharing her with us! Hugs to you!
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Thank you both for your kind words. It still hurts and I feel a bit emptiness in my heart where she was. Every morning I wake up and have to realize again that she's gone, that she won't come into my room to ask for food. I miss that, I miss everything even the annoying things. Talking about it on here and with friends and loved ones has helped a little bit.

I am not entirely sure what I should do next, what have some of you done to help grieve and feel less guilty? 
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Zeina was a beautiful girl and she was so lucky to have you. She knows how much you loved her. 

You did everything you could and she knows it. Please be easy on yourself and acknowledge that genuine mistakes happen. I am currently dealing with pet loss guilt myself, even 6 months later. I know how hard it is. 

The pain runs incredibly deep and my heart aches for you and your loss. Some things that are helping me cope are writing down my feelings, posting here, and donating supplies to local animal shelters. Surround yourself with love and support from friends and family. Take time to grieve and cry. You are not alone. 

Time heals all, love. 

Sending you all my love & support, xoxo.
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