Ana
It has been 2 months since I lost my baby girl Lola and it just feels worse and worse. I put her to sleep-I was right there holding her but I feel like I killed her. She was very sick with cancer and her legs had stopped working. The vet called me several times worrying about her quality of life and I wish now that I had told her every thing I was doing. Maybe her quality was okay-I kept her with me all the time. I had a doggy bed that supported her and I carried her around every where I went. I was cooking for her, she had constant love and attention. I knew she was going to die but maybe I could have kept her with me for a little longer. Maybe she could have still been with me right now. I feel guilty because she started getting sick right after her brother Leo died in August. Maybe if I had snapped out of my depression more quickly maybe the cancer would not have spread. Most of all her death haunts me. I had the vet give her something to relax her and I was petting her telling her what a good dog she was and how much I loved her and she was very peaceful so I told the vet to go ahead. When the drug hit her bloodstream she jerked up and looked and me and then fell back dead. I saw it in her eyes-she thought I had betrayed her. I feel like her last moment was filled with pain and fear rather than a relief for her. I am trying to believe that she and Leo are running through a beautiful meadow having the time of their lives. I now Leo is okay because he has come to me in dreams. I don't know about Lola. I don't know if I can live with this any longer. I guess I am hoping that one of you out there might have put a furbaby to sleep and have some insight into what might have happened. Right now I just feel like I let her down in so many ways. My house is so lonely now- its way to quiet-it feels empty and so do I.
Larchana Behrends
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winstonsmom12
Ana  i am so very sorry about  Lola.  I have read that some animals have different reactions to euthanasia.  What Lola did was normal.  You didn't betray her.  And I don't believe if you did anything earlier, the Cancer would have gone away.  It wasn't Lola looking at you and jerking up, it was the drug. 

You did an excellent job with her.  Loving and caring for her to the last.  Please don't blame yourself.  What you did was out of your great love for her.  I was there with My Winston also.  They are at peace now and not suffering.  Lola and Leo are together again, yes!! Running and playing together.  Just as My Winston and his brother Max are    Hugs   Sue
Susan
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smilte
I am so sorry for your loss. I had to put my beloved cat to sleep on Monday due to cancer. I wanted her with me, I was trying to save her. My vet asked me what I am trying to do to prolong life or misery. It hit me then, that I can not be selfish ... it was time for her to go. You did not kill your Lola but gave the best gift of love and peace. I truly believe that one day we will be reunited.
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Beaglemomma
Oh honey you did nothing wrong and everyone here will tell you that.  Doesn't matter what the circumstances are we seem to find a way to feel guilty.  My 14 year old Molly had a stroke and there was no hope for her but I still manage the guilt trip.  It just is what it is.  You loved your baby and did everything for her.  This pain doesn't go away easily.  But there was nothing more you could do.  As someone here has said so well "you took her pain so that she could be FREE of pain".  THAT is what this is all about, giving our sweet babies that final gift of freedom from the awful pain they are in.

It isn't easy that is for sure, my Molly crossed the Bridge on Thanksgiving and I am still crying daily for her.  She was my whole life, my heart and soul so you see those of us who are here do understand.  You can tell us anything you re feeling and no one will judge you.  You did your very best.

The only really sad thing is that our little ones can't stay here with us LONGER.  That is what we ALL want.  Sending you hugs.  Take care.
janice
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winstonsmom12
Janice is 100% right Ana.  Most all of us are on our own guilt trip.  At least i know I am.  Nobody here would ever judge you. You were a great mommy to your Lola.  I was the best Mommy I could be to Winston.  But time and Nature wait for no one.

If love could have saved any one of our babies...This forum wouldn't exist.  Prayers  Sue
Susan
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bugbee19
I think it may be a human trait to blame oneself for the passing of a beloved pet. When God calls, you are not a player. Condolences!
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Ana
winstonsmom12 wrote:
Ana  i am so very sorry about  Lola.  I have read that some animals have different reactions to euthanasia.  What Lola did was normal.  You didn't betray her.  And I don't believe if you did anything earlier, the Cancer would have gone away.  It wasn't Lola looking at you and jerking up, it was the drug. 

You did an excellent job with her.  Loving and caring for her to the last.  Please don't blame yourself.  What you did was out of your great love for her.  I was there with My Winston also.  They are at peace now and not suffering.  Lola and Leo are together again, yes!! Running and playing together.  Just as My Winston and his brother Max are    Hugs   Sue
 

Thank you Susan for both your messages. I had never put an animal to sleep before although my other Dog Leo died in my arms at home. I just wanted her to go peacefully-to just drift away. I hope she wasn't scared cause that just breaks my heart. I am sorry for your Winston? He looks like an English Bulldog! My 2 were Bostons- I love those little mashed faces! I thought Lola was going to be with me for a few more years. She loved her Brother but she loved being an only dog. I guess I will be thankful that she got me 100% the last six months of her life. Most of that time she was happy and the end came quickly. Thanks again for writing me,
Larchana Behrends
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Ana
smilte wrote:
I am so sorry for your loss. I had to put my beloved cat to sleep on Monday due to cancer. I wanted her with me, I was trying to save her. My vet asked me what I am trying to do to prolong life or misery. It hit me then, that I can not be selfish ... it was time for her to go. You did not kill your Lola but gave the best gift of love and peace. I truly believe that one day we will be reunited.


Thank you for your note. I am so sorry about your Kitty. I guess we all want to keep our little fur babies with us as long as we can. Your right about not wanting to prolong the suffering. I guess I just keep wishing that I could have waited a little longer. I couldn't get out of bed yesterday but did look in an old journal and found and "Quality of Life Questioner" that the Vet had given me. I guess I had forgotten a few thing- I keep remembering her still being alert and loving but I had spaced out that she wasn't eating. One of the reasons than I put her to sleep was because that last Saturday she was peeing blood- but thinking back I remember that her one elbow was so painful for her and she was going to begin steroids in a few days so I gave her a baby asprin and I think that could of caused the bleeding. All of our babies have given us the gift of unconditional love so I hope she knew how much I loved her in the end. Thanks again.
Larchana Behrends
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Ana
Beaglemomma wrote:
Oh honey you did nothing wrong and everyone here will tell you that.  Doesn't matter what the circumstances are we seem to find a way to feel guilty.  My 14 year old Molly had a stroke and there was no hope for her but I still manage the guilt trip.  It just is what it is.  You loved your baby and did everything for her.  This pain doesn't go away easily.  But there was nothing more you could do.  As someone here has said so well "you took her pain so that she could be FREE of pain".  THAT is what this is all about, giving our sweet babies that final gift of freedom from the awful pain they are in.

It isn't easy that is for sure, my Molly crossed the Bridge on Thanksgiving and I am still crying daily for her.  She was my whole life, my heart and soul so you see those of us who are here do understand.  You can tell us anything you re feeling and no one will judge you.  You did your very best.

The only really sad thing is that our little ones can't stay here with us LONGER.  That is what we ALL want.  Sending you hugs.  Take care.


Thank you Janice for every thing you said. I am so sorry about your Molly. I totally understand how these little babies of ours are our life and soul and heart. They were the ones that were there day in and day out. My 2 snuggled up with me every night. I miss them so much. I did want to take away Lola's pain but still worry that her last moment of conciousness might have been one of pain and fear. And of course there is no way other than trying to have faith that she is somewhere with her brother. That even if she did feel pain it was only for a second and hopefully her little spirit's next awareness was one of peace and joy. I hope that for both Lola and Molly. Feeling guilty is such a miserable hopeless feeling and I am trying to think good thoughts today. I know that I just have to keep moving forward even if don't want to. You and Molly will be in my thoughts and prays!
Larchana Behrends
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Ana
bugbee19 wrote:
I think it may be a human trait to blame oneself for the passing of a beloved pet. When God calls, you are not a player. Condolences!


Thanks so much for your reply. I am trying not to feel so guilty and to try to be gentle with my self. I am trying to accept that it is all out of my control but I don't like it at all. I hope that you are doing ok as well. You will be in my thoughts.
Larchana Behrends
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Christinatara
I'm so sorry for your loss and that your last moment with your dog has made you worry her death was full of pain. I was just discussing this with my husband today. I am also full of guilt for euthanizing my dog and I honestly have also wondered what the drug feels like for the animals. My vet says they feel no pain, but I would also appreciate anyone's insight into what happens and why they react differently. 

I am so sorry for your loss but you sounded like a wonderful. wonderful doggie mommy. Your doggie was very fortunate to have your kindness.


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Eddiesmom


Louie my lab was the most gentle creature ever, he didn't even bark until he was 9 years old.  We called him Grandpa since he was a puppy as he was so laid back.  The horrible day came  in 2010 when his eyes were begging me to put him out of his grief.  I never put a dog down before but always heard it was peaceful.  Well the vet put him on the table, why I don't know as he was over 100lbs, he never gave him a sedative and I didn't know until recently that's the right way to do it.  He injected Louie with the drug and my most gentle, lazy dog tried mightily to get off the table!!  He was fighting, this was so out of character for him.  OMG what do I do, is he trying to tell me he's not ready but now he was literally 1/2 dead as the vet just didn't give him enough and you can't turn back...he had to give him another shot.  It was NOT peaceful at all, it was AWFUL and I didn't  even know until 3/31/16 when I had to have my Henry put down.  This different vet made it so nice, they put a nice blanket on the floor as he too was over 100lb's, they gave him a sedative first and Henry just slowly relaxed with me hugging him and telling him how much I loved him and then when he was sound asleep they gave him the euthanasia medicine.  So I understand when you feel it may not have been exactly as you thought but that was just a moment or two and in time you will not think of those last moments but of the years of love and devotion you gave her.  Louie was ready even though it wasn't peaceful.  Henry....I still am not sure about the timing but it was peaceful and for that I am grateful.  

I'm so sorry about Lola, I understand that you feel like you could have done more but I think you know you did all you could do and gave her a wonderful life and unselfishly let her pass over before her life deterioriated to much.  I doubt myself about Henry, feeling like you that I let him down, I could have done more but in reality he was totally blind and had degenerative myelopathy in his hind legs and he could barely walk more than a few steps.  He didn't want to go outside to the bathroom anymore and if he did he would fall in it.  He still loved to eat and play which is why I feel so guilty but he also seemed depressed living a life of mostly sitting in one spot and even when I put him outside in the sun he still couldn't see anything.  He never could walk on floors that weren't carpeted without help which is why I took him home from the shelter to foster him so he could get around a little bit better, I have carpet and tile in the kitchen I would always help him walk in there....his last day, he WALKED on tile floor into the vets with dignity.  On the one hand I feel SO guilty that he was walking....why now for this last appointment?!!! Break my heart! On the other hand I am glad his last walk was one with dignity and not falling all over the place like he usually did.  It's not easy any way you slice it but at the end of the day after your heart is not so freshly broken you know Lola was LOVED and you gave her a wonderful life.

Sorry so long.  Peace.
Sue



Sue E
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Ana
I'm so sorry for your loss and that your last moment with your dog has made you worry her death was full of pain. I was just discussing this with my husband today. I am also full of guilt for euthanizing my dog and I honestly have also wondered what the drug feels like for the animals. My vet says they feel no pain, but I would also appreciate anyone's insight into what happens and why they react differently. 

I am so sorry for your loss but you sounded like a wonderful. wonderful doggie mommy. Your doggie was very fortunate to have your kindness.

Hi, Thanks so much for writing me. I am sorry that you too had to put your dog to sleep. I guess I hadn't thought about what it was going to feel like to her. I really thought she would just drift away dreamless so I was shocked. I did ask them to give her something to relax but she was still sort of awake. If I had it to do it over with I would ask that the dog be sedated first. I hope we will both find peace around the passing of our dogs. Some days are so much worse than others and I am thankful for your response. I will be thinking of you. ~ Ana
Larchana Behrends
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Ana
Eddiesmom wrote:


Louie my lab was the most gentle creature ever, he didn't even bark until he was 9 years old.  We called him Grandpa since he was a puppy as he was so laid back.  The horrible day came  in 2010 when his eyes were begging me to put him out of his grief.  I never put a dog down before but always heard it was peaceful.  Well the vet put him on the table, why I don't know as he was over 100lbs, he never gave him a sedative and I didn't know until recently that's the right way to do it.  He injected Louie with the drug and my most gentle, lazy dog tried mightily to get off the table!!  He was fighting, this was so out of character for him.  OMG what do I do, is he trying to tell me he's not ready but now he was literally 1/2 dead as the vet just didn't give him enough and you can't turn back...he had to give him another shot.  It was NOT peaceful at all, it was AWFUL and I didn't  even know until 3/31/16 when I had to have my Henry put down.  This different vet made it so nice, they put a nice blanket on the floor as he too was over 100lb's, they gave him a sedative first and Henry just slowly relaxed with me hugging him and telling him how much I loved him and then when he was sound asleep they gave him the euthanasia medicine.  So I understand when you feel it may not have been exactly as you thought but that was just a moment or two and in time you will not think of those last moments but of the years of love and devotion you gave her.  Louie was ready even though it wasn't peaceful.  Henry....I still am not sure about the timing but it was peaceful and for that I am grateful.  

I'm so sorry about Lola, I understand that you feel like you could have done more but I think you know you did all you could do and gave her a wonderful life and unselfishly let her pass over before her life deterioriated to much.  I doubt myself about Henry, feeling like you that I let him down, I could have done more but in reality he was totally blind and had degenerative myelopathy in his hind legs and he could barely walk more than a few steps.  He didn't want to go outside to the bathroom anymore and if he did he would fall in it.  He still loved to eat and play which is why I feel so guilty but he also seemed depressed living a life of mostly sitting in one spot and even when I put him outside in the sun he still couldn't see anything.  He never could walk on floors that weren't carpeted without help which is why I took him home from the shelter to foster him so he could get around a little bit better, I have carpet and tile in the kitchen I would always help him walk in there....his last day, he WALKED on tile floor into the vets with dignity.  On the one hand I feel SO guilty that he was walking....why now for this last appointment?!!! Break my heart! On the other hand I am glad his last walk was one with dignity and not falling all over the place like he usually did.  It's not easy any way you slice it but at the end of the day after your heart is not so freshly broken you know Lola was LOVED and you gave her a wonderful life.

Sorry so long.  Peace.
Sue



 Hi Sue, Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. I am so sorry about the loss of both Louie and Henry. Louie's death must have been devastating. I can't even imagine. I understand the wondering if we could have waited a little longer. My older dog Leo died 6 months before Lola. We were all at home together on the bed me petting Leo and talking to him and Lola even licking him a few times. But I didn't make the decision! He did. So although I was devastated it was out of my control. I was reading over some things I had written right after she died. On her last day we were lying on the bed together and I was petting her and talking to her. At this point her back legs were paralyzed and one of her front legs was inflamed so badly she couldn't put any weight on it and it was and hard for her to do anything but lie down. She made the effort to lift her head up and reach over- her hot little nose touching my cheek and give me one last kiss on the nose. I called the vet and told them I was bringing her in. I had totally forgotten about this but it reminded me that I think she was ready to go-she was saying good bye. I can tell how much you loved your 2 boys and they were lucky to have you. Your right there is no way around not feeling as awful as we feel we just have to keep walking through it. I am great full to you for helping me along the way. You will be in my thoughts! ~ Ana
Larchana Behrends
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