I will never forgive myself for the 2 wks of force feeding he hated and aweful vet trips, tests, and iv treatments over many days of back and fourth to the vets all day and back home and so on. He hated it all and it wasnt fixing him, as he had a UTI from Ecoli that wasn't being treated with antibiotics cause the tests werent suggesting he had one from his own body and I wasnt aware my moms cats had been pooping in his box. They were always to be separated as he had a compromised immune system. She said she always keep them separated when I wasnt home, even when he was going thur treatment at the vet she still denied letting them in his space. Its ultimately what killed him was the Ecoli from her cats poop giving him a UTI. They thought it was Pancreatitis and were treating for that. I never forget the 2 wks of watching him deteriorate more and more and these 1000s of dollars of treatments not saving him. It kills me that they could have saved him had I known the truth. Im broken and thats,all I can think of when I see his pictures.
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I'm sorry you are hurting so badly.  Please don't be too hard on yourself, you were only doing what you thought was best for your kitty.  Sadly the majority of us on this forum had to experience the horror of watching our beloved pets deteriorate to the point of death while doing everything in our power to save them.  You will receive a lot of support here.  One common thread is that we all face such horrible guilt and rumination over the last days of our pets.  I myself played over and over in my head what went on that led to my kitty's death.  He died two days after surgery and I blamed myself for putting him through such a hard time before he passed.  I think it is the nature of the beast so to speak.  I think your baby knew you were doing everything you could to try and save him.  Take time to process this, to grieve, to talk about your feelings because we all know exactly how you feel.  I'll be sending positive thoughts your way so that you can find a little bit of peace in the midst of all the pain. 

Marina ~ Mitookie's Mom
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My deepest condolences on the loss of your beloved Dylan. There are so many if onlys that we replay in our heads. Unfortunately though, there really are no "ifs". We simply do the best we can understand the circumstances. You were following your veterinarian's instructions and you had no reason whatsoever to think they wouldn't know what was really at the roof of your Dylan's problems. Please don't blame yourself my dear. You miss your Dylan profoundly and grief can make us feel guilt that is really misplace. It's hard to know if they really could have saved him had they known or at what point. Dylan is at peace now and I hope you will have some peacenik of mind knowing how much love you gave to him. I'm sure he knew. Take Care,
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Dylan knows how much you loved him, and that you were trying to help him. Please don't blame yourself for anything, you did everything you could for him. It's so hard at first, but I hope someday you will think of him and the love you have for him and be able to smile.
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That's so true. I lost my beautiful black kitty Raven almost a year ago to kidney failure and a tumor on her liver. I did everything and more for her, but in the end it just wasn't enough. I still live with the guilt of maybe if I hadn't just done this or that differently she'd still be here. And like you say, the agony of watching them declining is unbearable! But you did all you could, plus so much more than what others may have done. Dylan knows you love him, and always will.
What I did for Raven was, when I felt ready,I wrote her a letter. I just told her how much I love and miss her, that I was sorry for the times I wasn't there, for the treatments she went through, and ultimately why I made the choice to let her go. Then I read it aloud, and I keep it in my journal even now to look at whenever I need to remind myself that I did the right thing. Maybe you could write to Dylan too. It does help if only a bit. However you choose to express your grief, just know that everyone here is behind you. It's a hard road we're all on, but at least we're not taking the trip alone.
Blessings to you 🐱🐺
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