andwithpatience
On Wednesday morning, I had to put my baby to sleep. I guess "baby" isn't the right word...she was 18. But I had that cat nearly my whole life (I am 24). She slept with me every night, curled up in my armpit. She followed me around every day after my shower, trying to lick my legs. I miss her quirks. I miss her cuddles. I miss everything. I hate coming home, because even though I know she won't be there, I still keep looking for her. I can't control it. My eyes just go to all of her favorite spots and it hurts all over again. All I want to do is sleep, but when I wake up it's like losing her all over again. She isn't there next to me, and I open my eyes to see if maybe she's curled up by my feet or something, and then I remember that...no, she can't be. And it hurts. I'm going out of my mind. Can't stop crying. Saying goodbye to her was the hardest thing I have ever done. The vet didn't even give me the option of holding her for her last moments. So, now I wonder...did she spend her last moments wondering why I left her with a stranger? Does she think I just didn't love her anymore? 
I just don't know what to do. I am so...lost. My family tries to be supportive, but they don't understand. She was most definitely "my" cat. I can't really remember my life before her. How do you move on from that?
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jasminesmom
andwithpatience

I am so sorry for your loss and 18 years is a long time to be so blessed with a furbaby. My heart aches for you. I so understand the void created by the loss of a loved one, as my loss is almost 4 months and the tears still flow. The only comfort I have found is knowing Jasmine is now in a better place at The Rainbow Bridge, free from pain, free to run and eat once again. She is now my Guardian Angel. In time, you will realize this also.My Jasmine was there to open up the gate at The Bridge for your beloved furbaby.

My thoughts and prayers are with you during this most trying time.

Cheryl and Angel Jasmine
Jasmine was loved
Jasmine took ProIn
Jasmine is gone
 
http://RainbowsBridge.com/residents/JAMIN001/Resident.htm



Cheryl and Angel Jasmine
Jasmine was loved
Jasmine was given ProIn
Jasmine is now gone
http://RainbowsBridge.com/residents/JAMIN001/Resident.htm
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andwithpatience
As guilty as I feel admitting this, I am somewhat better today. I talked with a friend about her for a while today and I smiled more than I cried. I've even started considering a new baby. I know I'm not ready yet....I still have to pick her up from the hospital and have her cremated, and I am sure this will be the hardest part yet. But I have to look at the upside...I did have her for a wonderfully long time, and made many wonderful memories. She stayed with me as long as I think she possibly could, and I feel that she was just as sorry to go as I was to see her go. When I was young, she was my fierce protector. Strange behavior for a cat, but if I was ill and home from school, she would sleep very near me and hiss at anyone who came close.
One time she had kittens, and she woke me up and got me out of bed to take me to them. I cried because I knew how special that was. We had a very strong bond. I'm crying as I write this, but it's a different kind of tears and a different kind of hurt. I will always love her and miss her.. but I know she put up the good fight. Honestly, with her being so old, as childish as it is I think I had myself half convinced that she would live forever. I often referred to her as my vampire. Sleeping in my bed without her hurts every time. Just walking into my bedroom is enough to bring tears. I love her. She was my closest friend, and had been for most of my life. I also have to admit that I feel terrible because I am already seeing myself healing a little each day. I still hurt so much, but I'm not crying nearly as much, and I'm able to smile. I feel as though I'm not doing her memory justice. I feel like a terrible person, sort of, for being able to take a step forward so quickly.
Today, I found myself questioning the vet who told me she was nearing the end. What if he read the x-rays wrong? What if I sent her on for no good reason? What if I had brought her home with me....maybe she would have gotten better. Maybe he was wrong and it wasn't what he thought. He was busy that day...he could have just taken a brief glance at the films, and since he already knew she was very old, he just jumped to the first conclusion that came to his mind...that her body was failing. What if it wasn't? What if it wasn't her time yet? I know I need to stop thinking things like this, or I will drive myself crazy. But that's just where my mind is going today. She was very old...it was natural for her body to be tired.
I take some minor solace in the fact that, whereever she is today, she is returned to the prime of her youth and her health. I hope that where she is has a tree very similar to her favorite tree, and that she is running like the wind through the yard and up that tree. Certainly there must be chipmunks and squirrels for her to chase, and I just hope that she knows that someday I will be joining her again.
Thank God for this site. And thank you so much for your response.

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lori
 andwithpatience
you are a beautiful person. i can tell by the way you speak of your best friend. she lived a good life because of you. remember that.
i understand the questions and the vet. i am feeling your pain.
your kitty loves you . talk to her out loud. it helps me.
it is good to feel better after talking to a friend. don't feel guilty.
you are a person with love to give . there will be no other but it's o.k. if there is another. if you go to the animal shelter just remember you are helping out another best friend. animals are the best medicine.
they are your best friends. there will be hard days too, so take the good ones also. your kitty knows you were trying to help her in all ways.
keep talking and healing .    
lori
whiskers and daisy's mom
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tikidikidoo
I am so very sorry for the loss of your beloved cat. I know just how you feel. My cats have always been my dearest friends. Please know that each person moves through their grief differently and in their own time. Also know that guilt is a natural part of the healing process. Particularly with our animal companions. I have felt tremendous guilt each time I have had to help one of my animals cross over to the other side. I don't think any of us know 100% that the time is right. We make the choice we do to end their pain and suffering. It is a final gift that we can give them and we must try to be strong and courageous in that choice. As they have always been for us. I don't know why your vet didn't allow you to hold her in her final moments. That was certainly a mistake. You must now learn to take comfort in all the love you gave your dear friend in the many years you shared together. Your cat will never doubt the love you felt and niether should you. You shared a beautiful bond that can never be broken. Not even by death. My heart goes out to you and I hope that you are able, in time, to open you heart to a new animal in need of your love. Some people feel unable to open their hearts again for fear of facing the pain when they are lost. I hope you are not one of those people. You are young and have a lifetime to provide a loving, nurturing home to so many animals who so desparately need it. I know how much it hurts to lose them but I would never trade the years (or in the situation of Havana the mere months) that I had to share in their beautiful and pure spirits. They give us so much and teach us so much if our hearts and minds are open enough to listen and observe. They are a gift that enriches our lives so deeply. Is it any wonder we grieve them so profoundly when they go? Take care. My thoughts are with you.
x tiki. 
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