Sara, AKA Radar's mom,
Your words really hit the nail on the head. After my baby Roy died, I had to start seeing a therapist. The trauma I had experienced when I found my baby ignited so many other feelings, so many memories of past traumas...I felt like I was suffocating. I wanted to sleep to escape my feelings, but sleep brought nightmares and sleep terrors--something I hadn't experienced for years. At the same time, there were days where I wished I wouldn't wake up. I felt like I had lost all of the joy in my life. I had lost my best friend.
But there is hope. Death was the last beautiful thing my baby could've ever done for me. It has been a very painful growing experience, but I have finally learned the lessons Roy was trying to teach me all along. I've been working hard to change the things I don't like about my life. I've started setting clearer boundaries for myself, and sticking to them. I'm not afraid of confrontation. Losing Roy was my worst fear, and I'm conquering it. I feel stronger, more self confident. I suddenly have more compassion, more empathy for others also going through painful transitions. I felt immense guilt--think Atlas and the globe--about his death and as repentance I started volunteering at a shelter. Now, willingly and joyfully I'm helping other unwanted furbabies find their forever homes. These are things my baby wanted me to feel during this life, and I'm finally getting there.
Yes, I died there in the kitchen with my baby, Roy. But like a phoenix, I feel like I've sifted through the rubble, pushed through the embers, shook the dust off myself, and emerged a beautiful new person my baby wanted me to be all along.
Oh.My.Gosh. This sums up Exactly how I'm feeling. Out of fear and guilt and anguish comes growth and strength. Thank you so very much for putting into words what I was unable to.