Robyngar
I found out a week ago Saturday that my baby boy Bruschi had a very large sarcoma on his groin that wasn't there 2 months ago. I've always said that if he ever got sick I would not allow him to go through any pain. Our boy was 12, we rescued him when he was 2 months old, the runt of his litter. Beautiful black and white shiny haired tuxedo cat. I swear he was part Maine Coon. Independent but loving when he wanted to be. We had our vet come here on Tuesday to let him go and be pain free. I slept on my bathroom floor the night before as he was sleeping on the bath mat and I didn't want to disturb him. I've been crying since the day we found out he had cancer. I can't stop. I don't know what to do with myself. This is the worst pain I've ever felt. How does one get over this? I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown. Any advice would be so helpful. ❤❤❤
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Memories_of_Marmalade


Dear Robyn,

I am very saddened to read of your loss of your beloved "Brushi". He certainly was a very handsome lad. Welcome to this forum despite the unfortunate circumstances.

You wrote:

"
I've always said that if he ever got sick I would not allow him to go through any pain."

You kept your promise Robyn. When the time came, with courage and bravery, you chose to end your boys pain & suffering, and prevented him from experiencing even more potential pain and suffering. Which might have been very severe. And by doing so, by putting Brushi's needs over your own, a truly selfless act, you have now absorbed your beloved's pain and suffering onto yourself. And now you must process the pain and suffering you are feeling, through your grief. That is the bargain you have made. It is the bargain many of us here on this forum have made.

Sadly, I had to make the same choice. My boy (an orange and white Tabby cat) was somewhere around 11 or 12 years old when I chose to have him put down due to his deteriorating health 5 months ago. He was also a rescue. His name was "Marmalade" and he was the love of my life. The bright light in all my days and nights over the 4 years I was fortunate enough to know him. He was my "Spirit Animal."

In the end I could no longer allow him to become a shadow of his former self. A once proud, handsome Tom-Cat. A KING of a colony of feral and stray cats that I came across 850 miles away in the high desert country of New Mexico. He was dignified, loyal, dedicated, loving, kind and forgiving. He was my best friend, my son, my brother, my comrade in arms, my road companion, and my only remaining family. When I made that choice to end his life? I destroyed my own. I broke my heart and it shattered into a million pieces. It feels like they will never go back together again and I will never be the same again. My life is empty, hollow, meaningless without my companion. My buddy. My good boy.

I am sorry for the pain and suffering you are now coping with. All any of us can do is just continue to travel through time. We just need to take life one moment at a time. One day at a time. One night at a time. One week at a time. And yes, one month at a time. Just allow our built-in healing mechanisms to do their job. Which is each of our birthright. It will do its job, I promise you. It is evidenced by all the posts written here on this forum, that were posted by those who came before us. Our veterans of grief if you will. 

"This too shall pass."

There are many kind, loving, compassionate, understanding, intelligent, witty, and wise people here on this forum. Who have been a Godsend to me during my time of need. I'm sure this forum will be for you too. You came to the right place. 

I adopted a feral Tuxedo kitten 3 months ago. I did not plan on doing so, but he was all alone, on the street and had been injured during a coyote attack. His name is "KID." They say that Tuxedo cats are "Magic." I'm sure your Brushi was magic in your life.

Kind regards & my sincerest condolences,
James


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BorderCollieLover
Robyn:

  So sorry to hear about your Bruschi. It is very apparent that he was the love of your life - and rightly so. He was a beautiful cat. You have come to the right place. This Forum has been a real Godsend for me. Lots of compassionate, caring people here who will support you throughout your grieving journey. The tears that are flowing now are just proof positive that your love for Bruschi was genuine. As far as when you will stop feeling sad, everyone is different. You may come to terms with your loss within weeks, or it may take months. Some people still grieve  years after. No two people grieve the same way. That's perfectly fine. Just let the tears flow. Your sorrow is just validation that your love for Bruschi was very real. Personally, my beloved dog passed 6 weeks ago and I'm still crying each and every day. Something will trigger a wonderful memory and I'll just lose it. You sound like a wonderful, pet loving person who needs some support now. We all welcome you. 

Jim
Jim Miller
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Memories_of_Marmalade


Beautiful comment Jim. Every post counts here as you recognize. Even a few sentences of kindness and understanding can help others through their grief. Which gives even more meaning to our own individual losses.

Yes Robyn, Jim is right. It is okay for us to cry. I cried again last night thinking about my Marmalade. Each time I go back to the warehouse where we resided for 2 years, from my office down the street, I expect to see him waiting for me at our gate. Marmalade would escort me in to the warehouse each day and night to the rear portion of it where we lived. As we walked, he would look behind him to see if I had fallen behind, and would wait or sit and wait for me to catch-up to him. He was such a good boy. I miss him so.

Hugs again,
James
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Robyngar
Thank you both so much for your kind words of encouragement. I am so sorry for your losses. I'm at a standstill, I can't seem to get out of this funk. I knew this was going to be hard but I could have never imagined HOW hard. Again, thank you so much for taking time out of your days to respond and offer such wonderful advice. Love to your babies ❤❤ we brought our boy home today, he will forever be with us ❤❤❤ our vets are such caring, thoughtful people.
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Memories_of_Marmalade


Oh Robyn. You are more than welcome sweetheart. That display from your Vets is beautiful. I keep Marmalade's ashes and paw print next to my bed. Each morning I tell him "Good Morning" and his cedar box containing his ashes, is the last thing I see each night as I tell him "Good night." I pray for him, and to him, each and every night. I greet him during the day if I return back to our warehouse. Even if he can not hear me? I like to honor the memories I have of my good friend.

I think it is comforting to remember that all living things (including us and our pets) are made of 4 billion year old carbon from exploded stars. We are all made up of stardust. So your boy Bruschi's ashes are made up of stardust. What could be more enchanting and mystical than that? Our enduring love for them and the love they had for us perhaps.

: )

All best again,
James
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StephanieW

Robyn,

I cried knowing you have to endure this. It was only a few days ago I had to say goodbye to my very best friend Frinks. Grief and the pain that accompanies it can be incredibly paralysing and lonely. I think it's so important that we reach out and relate our experiences to one another (when ready). Bruschi and your relationship was unique and special. No one will ever know the depths of your bond but I hope it is a comfort to know we are all familiar to loss here. You are not alone. These next few days will be very hard but I promise, it gets easier with time. I found myself obsessing over my goodbye, it's all I could think about and how horrible it felt. As intrusive as it is, it's also a very natural way to process trauma and come to terms. I'm so sorry that it hurts this badly, as we are never ready to let go. You made the right choice for Bruschi. Your immense love and care for your friend gave him a peaceful rest and a thoughtful goodbye. That is a gift. It is one of the most heartbreaking and difficult things you'll ever have to do and unfortunately living with it comes a close second. With enough time, the journey's end is less defined and good memories are more likely to cushion you. It gets easier. Warmer. I know everyone says it but it's true.

I'd advise talking to those around you. Your family and friends. People who knew Bruschi. Coming to forums like this helps too. 
Lean into your grief and be kind to yourself. It isn't something you can rush through as uncomfortable as is may seem. Take your time. 
Please remember to eat and rest. You won't want to but it makes a difference.

Frinks wasn't nearly as handsome as Bruschi but I have a feeling that they are both loved to immeasurable lengths ❤️  Bruschi and Frinks got the very best from us and will always be remembered and cherished. 

Love, support and a hug sent to you Robyn ❤️ 

sw
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Robyngar
I can't relay enough how beautiful you all are. It is so comforting to know that there are really really good people in this sometimes cruel world. Each and every one of you has made me cry with your words and at the same time have been so calming and encouraging. I thank you from the very bottom of my heart for your support, it means so very very much to me. Bru would be happy to know that even stranger's are helping me through this devastating time. My husband is an over the road trucker so I'm here alone most of the time. We moved here to NC 6 years ago so all of my family and friends are back up North in MA. It can be very lonely at times and not having Bru here is more difficult to come to terms with. Everywhere I look is a part of him. His fur is still on my blanket, the floor, the rug. I can't bear to pick it up or throw it away. I feel like I betrayed my beautiful boy and by getting rid of parts of him just feels like I'm hurting him in some way if that makes sense. This is going to be a long hard road to travel, I thank you all for helping me walk it. ❤❤❤
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Will_Never_Forgive_Myself
Dear Robyn,

What a beautiful cat, your Bruschi was.  I'm so sorry to hear what happened.  Cancer can be a fast worker. It can come out of nowhere. It seemed to have manifested so quickly that you could not have prepared for it.  Cry if you need to. It's still so new for you. I am still crying since last Xmas Eve, a sudden loss for me.  I won't let myself forget him. I am still not ready to more than glance at pictures and videos of my little dog.   Your grief is not unusual.  It may last a while.   Everyone is different.  Come here often. There are good people here who will comfort you. You won't feel alone. Your grief is shared by others who grief for different reasons. Your loss is shared by others for different reasons. We are all each other's support system. 

You experienced a great loss of a friend, a family member, your little boy. I'm still traveling that road and it seems the road doesn't end. I'm still grieving or maybe I'm mourning at this stage. I'm not sure, but I know it still hurts. You take care and take your time to grieve and your memories with Bruschi.  The poem I am going to post is a sad one (get out your tissues).  As sad as the poem is, the message from the poem is that Bruschi would not want you to feel guilty because is beyond your power. Sometimes we have no choice. 

Please be well.

~ Parker's Mom

The Last Battle

If it should be that I grow frail and weak
And pain should keep me from my sleep,
Then will you do what must be done,
For this — the last battle — can't be won.
You will be sad I understand,
But don't let grief then stay your hand,
For on this day, more than the rest,
Your love and friendship must stand the test.

We have had so many happy years,
You wouldn't want me to suffer so.
When the time comes, please, let me go.
Take me to where to my needs they'll tend,
Only, stay with me till the end
And hold me firm and speak to me
Until my eyes no longer see.

I know in time you will agree
It is a kindness you do to me.
Although my tail its last has waved,
From pain and suffering I have been saved.
Don't grieve that it must be you
Who has to decide this thing to do;
We've been so close — we two — these years,
Don't let your heart hold any tears.

— Julia Napier

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pannklaus
I needed several tissues when I read "The Last Battle".   But it is one of the best descriptions I have read of what we go through when we have to make that painful decision.   And what we are doing IS what is best for our precious, beloved fur babies.
Patsy
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