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LovingPatches
Tinky,
I am so sorry about your loss of Buster.  Your statement about never been able to touch him or bury your face in his soft fur really hit home with me.  I really miss that too, and the sound of his voice, his antics - everything.  I am allergic to cats but that never stopped me.  I never could stop smooching him or loving on him, just couldn't.  The other day I found a little snippet of his fur from when I cut mats off him, and was reminded how velvety soft he was.  I totally understand your pain.  I know the loss of Buster is still very raw, but we will get through this somehow.  Some days my crying never seems to stop; other days, it is a little better.  It just takes a lot of time.  Distractions are helpful for sure.  I am retired, so staying home more than when I was working, which makes it more painful - Patches is everywhere.  I am sure it is the same for you with Buster.  It is hard being home.  We can do this though.  We all do understand what you are going through.  So glad you posted on this forum.

Diane

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LovingPatches
Bre,
Boy, I do understand, pets are definitely special and deserve our love and kindness during their lives and our grief at their deaths.  I also feel intense grief and have considered professional counseling, but am not sure there are counselors out there that really do understand about pet loss.  However, there is a local clinic in our city (Portland) called Dove Lewis.  This is where Patches passed.  They do have group grief counseling.  I was really hesitant about going to it as I am a very private person and didn't want to cry hysterically in front of others.  When we got there (about 15 minutes early) there was no one else there.  I thought - wonderful - I wouldn't be uncomfortable crying.  But then shortly thereafter, a stream of people came in and there were about 12-13 people there.  The counselor said it was one of the biggest groups they have had.  Thankfully, they started going around the table on the opposite side of us, so that I could see and hear how the others felt, and that it was no different than what we felt, tears and all.  I still cried hysterically and felt bad about it, but couldn't help myself.  If you can find counseling in your area from an ER pet clinic or pet related, it would probably help you, at least some.  I've still got a long long way to go but don't feel so alone about it or odd about my severe grief.  I hope you can find some help, although this forum has been a God-send.  I hope you can find peace soon.  

I also appreciate your info about Flikr.  I may try that.  Never used it and will look into it because I would like to load some photos onto the forum like everyone else is doing.  Thank you so much, and I pray for peace and healing for you.  

Diane

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LovingPatches
AnneMarie,
I am so sorry that you are going through this.  It sounds like Gizmo had a very very hard time near the end.  I am sure you did the right thing for him as hard as it was.  I'm glad you have some of his toys to "hug".  It sounds like you did everything humanly possible to help him.  You shouldn't feel guilty, although I know we all do.  It sounds like you took wonderful care of Gizmo and loved him deeply.  The pain of this grief is truly devastating and I will keep you in my prayers that you can find some comfort soon.  I am truly truly sorry.  We are all here for you and understand completely.  Please let us know how you are doing when you feel up to it.  We care.

Diane 
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LovingPatches
Cris,
I cried reading your post.  I completely understand those feelings of guilt, even though you knew you had to do it.  It sounds like Sam was a very lucky little Yorkie to have you and your husband for parents.  You did everything you could, and then some.  I so understand the "love of your life" statement.  I feel the same - to the point that I never want another - I never want to have to make that decision ever again.  Plus, I already had the best I could have.  We also modified our lifestyle for Patches.  I got to the point where I didn't want to leave him alone for more than a couple of hours, and then the last few days, I didn't want to leave him at all.  I wanted one last test but my vet wouldn't do it and was actually a little terse about it.  I believe I took him in on a Wednesday and it was the following Saturday that we had to make that horrible decision and take him to the animal ER.  To this day, I hate Saturday evenings - it all just comes streaming back.  Feels horrible.  I am glad you are doing better and pray that you will continue to get more peace with your loss of Sam.  I do think, at least for me, that the guilt of the decision is the worst part, and I pray that you and your husband will get more at peace with it as time goes by.  Thank your for your very kind words.  You are right, this forum is healing and very compassionate.  Although I wish it wasn't necessary, I am so glad it is here for all of us.  Wishing you blessings and peace also.

Diane
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lissab
Thank you, Diane. He's supposed to be a ragdoll, the breeder gave him to me as I kept calling he with all of Zakk's ailments the first couple of weeks, and she just blew it off as allergies, colds, although she always took my calls, as she liked talking, she was full of it and knew he was sick. She knew I wanted two but couldn't afford another, and at first I thought she was being nice and started to feel guilty so she gave me Tupac., that's his name, yes it was kind of a joke, the name. And Zakk really looked like a ragamuffin, but I didn't care, he was the best and most funniest baby I've ever had. Who the hell knows what this women had been breeding with.
But if you'd have waited, you'd feel guilty too, I think I mentioned, i was so distraught and a friend of mine, who's a retired physician kept tlelling me he wasn't suffering, one night he had an episode as she gave him100 mil fluids, the University vet said 50 mils maybe twice a day but not all at once, I thought I'd lost him that night, but he calmed down and fell asleep on the couch with me. When he woke, he had gotten rid of the fluid on the couch, so clearly it was too much for his body. But I knew in my gut he was suffering, especially the last week. I don't know what I was thinking, but he was so tough. And because he was young, I was in shock. I have a picture of him in my office and he doesn't look good. That Sunday I called hospice, they only had an appointment the next morning. 15 minutes after I hung up, the distressed breathing began, he was lying next to me. When I picked him up his head was wobbly and I knew he was dying. I'm crying hysterically, so I struggle with the guilt that he died knowing I let him suffer and was probably scaring him. I should have at least given him pain meds, but then I would have thought I killed him with pain meds. Everything happens for a reason and honestly idk if I could have watched someone euthanize him. We can't win. So I have to have to be at peace that he knows I did what I could and same with you. They are happy and healthy again, and they see us. No matter what Patches thought in the vets, he knows now, you did what you did for him and the love you had for him. He's looking at you and understands everything and will be waiting for you someday. I still cry most days, not always for long periods but nonetheless, I do and will for a long time. Hang in there, hugs to you...pics of Zakk at UofF, drinking my water. He doesn't Look bad so it was more difficult as when he was on IV drip for just a few hours he would perk up, but I couldn't leave him in hospital and his heart would stop tolerating it. So the struggle was really difficult, I kept wanting to put him for a few days as he'd m fine, but that wasn't really the case, he'd crash a few days later. ❤️
Lisa
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LovingPatches
Oh Lisa,
You have truly been through Hell.  I love Ragdolls, but only discovered that after we got Patches.  I knew Patches was a Birman mix so I researched Birmans and discovered that Ragdolls were a combination of breeding Persians, Birmans, and I think one other, but I can't recall offhand.  I wasn't surprised because Ragdolls were supposedly named because they go limp when you pick them up.  Patches did that from day one.  We used to laugh because if he was lying on the floor and we picked him up, he'd just flop over, like a rag doll.  So I thought that must be right.  Ragdolls are supposed to be very easy-going and good with children, but my cousin got a rescue Ragdoll and she is not like that at all.  I was surprised.  I have met others that are.  

I assume the smaller kitty is Tupac?  There are so many irresponsible breeders out there, and oftentimes it is very difficult to know for sure until it is too late.  I am so so sorry you have had to go through all of this.  Your situation is much worse than mine was . . . I am so sorry.  It's always so hard to know whether we did the right thing - waiting or not waiting.  I felt like we didn't wait long enough because Patches didn't seem ready to go even though physically he was deteriorating, but he didn't act like he was in distress, except sometimes when he followed me into the living room, which he always did anyway, he'd lay there and stare - something that was new, so I think I knew deep down that he was suffering, but yet, I'd go into the kitchen and he'd be there immediately, even though he could barely walk.  Bright eyed, engaging, using those paws to manipulate me - even on his last night, so it was very difficult.  I felt I took his life too early.  Then on the other side, when he walked, he would walk a ways, then collapse, get up and walk more and collapse, but still seemed to make it into the kitchen quickly and still ready to eat people food.  That night, he couldn't get his rear legs over the side of the litter box and had to pee on the floor.  My husband always said that when he lost control of his bladder that that would be it.  I'm not so sure he lost control of his bladder, but definitely his rear legs and couldn't get up and over the side so he didn't have a choice. And he drank a lot of water so he always had to pee.  Yet, had we waited, it may have gotten much worse.  If he just wasn't so alert and bright, I think I could have dealt with it better.  When I put him into his carrier, he reached his paw out and tried to unlock it.  Those paws were used like hands more than any other cat I've ever had.  Then he reached his leg all the way out one of the openings and tried to touch my foot.  I just keep seeing that and it breaks my heart.  I start crying all over again.  Then to have him turn his head and not even look at me at the clinic, that was a dagger through my heart.  That's when I wanted to stop it.  I would have much preferred to have someone come into our home and kindly euthanize him but my husband would not hear of it.  He was worried that since we had heard, and our vet confirmed, that cat's can literally climb the wall.  So I really didn't know what to expect.   But I feel bad about it.  I do understand that my husband also didn't want to put him down at home as the house would really be a bad place then.  I am not sure, but from the tone of your post, I think he died at home in your arms?  That's what we were hoping for, but the vet had said previously that Patches had a very strong heart.  

Thank you so much for telling me that Patches understands now and loves me and is waiting for me.  I really pray that that is true.  I have to admit I am not sure what I believe as far as seeing him again.  I truly truly hope so.  Thank you so very much for all your very kind advice.  It does really help.  Another person here, Bre, told me how she got her pictures to load by using Flickr.  I am going to try to upload a few pics of Patches to Flickr and then shrink them and then download them here.  Of course, I don't know how to use Flickr yet, but will investigate tonight. Thank you, Lisa, again for all your understanding support.   Hold tight onto Tupac, he needs your love too.  I will keep you in my prayers for comfort and healing.  Thank you.

Diane
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LovingPatches

I wrote a song for my precious Patches.  It seemed appropriate since he used to try to interrupt my guitar playing with many antics to get attention.  It just seemed like a natural progression for dealing with my grief.  I did enter it on the Poems and Stories section also, but noticed that it is a different website altogether.  So decided to enter it here with a tiny modification.  

LOVE SONG FOR PATCHES
Written by Diane Slaybaugh-MacDonald (LovingPatches)

(Since this is a song rather than a poem, the lyrics don’t flow that well just being read, but flow well with the tune)

VERSE 1:

Another days is at end, here I go crying again
Wishing I could bring you back forever
Missing your paws in my face, your kisses at all times of day
Pestering while trying to play my guitar

CHORUS:

Patches I love you more than any words can say
You’ll always be here in my heart
I long to hold and stroke you each and every day
This home will never be the same

VERSE 2:

Now I try hard to pretend that I will see you again
Your silky fur and your trusting manner
Laid back, gentle and sweet, a blessing sent just for me
And by my side always ready to love me

REPEAT CHORUS

(Still working on playing it without crying)

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