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Jenniferhiggs1221

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Reply with quote  #16 
Thank you for your kind words.i am just hurting so bad..i know i keep taking it out on my son..husband and everyone around me and i dont mean to.im just so hurt.and so angry..angry the time and years me and reeses spent together had to end on such a horrible and painful way for him..he didnt deserve it..he didnt and im just so angry about it i dont know what to do..i never wanted him to feel an ounce of pain and that got to me..i wanted and tried to help him..and the point i had to make that horrible decision makes it worse..iloved being his mom.and im sure u relate..i know how much you loved your furbaby too..and he was so handsome as well..i hurt with you for him too..he seemed liked an amazing baby and am truly sorry for your loss and the hurt you are feeling
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Jenniferhiggs1221

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Reply with quote  #17 
Thank you..yes i feel the same..taking care of myself has not been a priority..i dont even care at the moment as bad as that may seem but i am certainly doing better at that than i was.. The first five days i wouldnt eat a bite..nothing..because of the stress partly and partlt because i felt like i didnt deserve to enjoy food if reeses wasnt able to eat..especially i didnt want anything he wouldve liked which was alot..he loved to eat..but then i got to a point i knew i would have to eat again.and i am eating back to normal but it still hurts when i have chicken or fish because reeses would have loved it..and i always saved a piece of my food for him to have..but i know me denying myself any thy ing wasnt gonna fix anyhing so here i am..just sad..sad and missing my baby so much..i dont think i havent thought about him for one second since 10 days ago..i can feel maybe i am trying to heal some but then feel guilty if i think i am because im not ready to yet..if that makes sense
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Wildrocksilver

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Reply with quote  #18 
Dear Jcunnane, Memories_of_Marmalade, and those of you who have had to put your babies to sleep,

What a difficult decision to have to make, and I know it is not a decision made quickly or lightly. I cried cor days when I saw it was time to take sweet Sally to the vet when she was dying of cancer. My other cats felt the emptiness in the house after she was gone, too. And I struggled with the responsibility of that decision for months. I still had my Shane kitty then, and he gave me comfort. Those of you having to face that decision to put to sleep your one special one...well, I am grateful I didn't have to go through that. I wish I could have said goodbye to my Shane, but I think I would die of a broken heart if I had been placed in the position y'all are in/have been. What wonderful, loving companions you have been to your special fur babies, to love them enough to bear the pain of such a difficult decision, just so that they would no longer be in pain, even though their passing is so painful to you. I wish I had the magic words to say to all of you, and to myself, that would ease this burden, this ache of emptiness. I truly believe that none of our babies were angry at us, as you were afraid that Bubby was, there at the end. My Sally crawled into my arms and started purring before she closed her eyes and "slept", once she was put to sleep. I think she was grateful not to have been alone. Bubby was probably also grateful that you cared enough to stay with him at the end, he died with his beloved human/soulmate watching over him. And Memories_of_Marmalade, thank you for believing that sometimes, if we're lucky, we can have a pure, loyal, loving connection with an animal that may even be stronger than connections we have with humans. My heart truly goes out to all of you for the position y'all have had to be put in. And thank you for posting about your emotions...no one else here by me seems to understand how I feel about losing my Shane because to everyone hefe, he was just a cat, just a pet. They don't realize how much more he truly was.
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Memories_of_Marmalade

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Reply with quote  #19 

Hi Jennifer - Same here. I have to remind myself to eat each day. I just don't even give a darn about whether I eat or not. I made a Turkey sandwich and a chicken sandwich the other day, and I started to break down crying, as Marmalade would share with me, whenever I returned to the warehouse for lunch each day. It was our routine. He loved him some fresh Turkey and Chicken! But in the end he shrieked in agony the moment of my even approaching me with a piece of it. Now when I make my sandwiches each day at lunch, he is nowhere to be seen. He used to walk beneath me, between my legs, his tail sticking up and eye me from below as if to say "HEY. Give me some of that!" What simple thing to miss now. : ** ( 

As I've written Marmalade and I worked hard to put weight on him, and on me. I was almost hospitalized for Anemia last year. I was throwing up a lot of blood, and white as a sheet. And could only walk 10 to 20 feet without sitting down. The main reason why I didn't allow them to check me in to the hospital was Marmalade needing me back at the warehouse (home.) So my weight has been plummeting, after getting it back up.

We've all got to be careful about our grief. The Widowmaker chemical is real.
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Memories_of_Marmalade

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Reply with quote  #20 

 
 

 

 Dear Wildrocksilver,

: ******************************** (

Thank you for your kind words to us. 

XOXO
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Jcunnane

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Reply with quote  #21 
Everything just hurts so bad. I woke up at 2am just crying. I miss my little man so much. Coming home and not having him greet me was the worst. I would have to always pet him before I was able to see my 8 month old daughter. Bubby was my son. Like you all have said he was more than just a cat, he was my best friend, my son, my soulmate. The lump is my throat since he’s been gone is overwhelming. I feel like my throat just keeps getting tighter and tighter.

I’m so lucky to have found you all on here. My husband is sad, that was his “homie” (they were soooo extremely close) but his way of grieving is to keep moving. I need to get my emotions out. Every time I try to talk about him my husband likes to stop me and say we need to stop dwelling. I know what he means but that’s just not how I am. I feel and feel deeply. I’ve always been told I have an old soul and feel much more. And to be completely truthful, this just sucks so hard. I don’t know how else to put it.

I feel so much guilt. When I initially took Bubby to the vet on Saturday and got him meds he had the worst reaction. He almost instantly vomited, violently and went on for hours. He was crying out before he would vomit and was just pacing the house. He kept squatting to poop out the meds. He never not used the litter box. I have so much guilt that I did this to him. After that he was never able to really bounce back. He gave me a glimmer of hope on that Monday he was cruising around the house and asked to be picked up while I was working. Typical for him. And he worked with me on my desk. Was up down, up down off my desk and laid in my arms. I opened the window for him and he sat there while a gust of air came through and blew his fur in the wind. But he declined quick and I just have so much guilt. Did the meds I suggest giving him poison him. 😥 They wanted to give him an injection shot and I said oh he’s fine with pills I give him one everyday. I really hope he’s not angry at me. 😢

He took so much of me with him that I feel guilty for my 8 month old baby girl and Bubby’s sister Lola because I’m just not whole anymore. I felt like I lost the spark and that he was the twinkle to my eye.

Before I went to the hospital to have my daughter, I broke down I tears because i felt so much guilt about Bubby and Lola’s life changing forever and they had no idea. They were the center of our lives. I feel guilty that for the last 8 months they haven’t been the center of our lives and now he’s gone. He didn’t get all the attention and love that he once had. I know he would have been the best big brother to our baby girl Avery. He would have let her cuddle him and lay on him. I’ll never get to see that. When I was 37 weeks pregnant I cracked my front tooth from grinding my teeth together while giving him so many kisses. I didn’t care about my tooth. I just laughed because that’s how much I love him.

While we had almost 10 years, I feel robbed. Robbed that he was only here for 10 years. Why couldn’t he have lived a few more years at least.

This just hurts so bad. I don’t want to eat. I’m surviving off liquids. My husband is eating and honestly it makes me sick and I don’t know how he’s even doing it.

I just want my baby back so badly. Everyday I was home I would walk in and wrap my arms around him while he was laying on our bed and my lay my head on his belly. I would put my face into his belly and just inhale as that was the true Bubby smell. I would kiss him 100 times right below his ear in his cheek and give him nose rubs on his nose. I know it probably wasn’t his favorite but he never put up a fight. He just accepted all the love he was given.

His sister is a lovebug too. And her and I have a very deep connection but there was just something about Bubby that was different. He was so social with us. It wasn’t just on his terms either. Whenever I would call “Bubby...Handsome Pants...Booty Bear...Ty Ty” I would either hear him jump off our bed and come down the hallway or he would rev up and come flying up the stairs. He always came. And he always greeted me with a sparkle in his eye. He was such a bright light.

I don’t know how to get through this...

I thank you all so much for listening and opening your hearts as I know I can rant. He just means so much to me and I’m not so sure how to keep going forward through this horrible pain and emptiness.

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Jenniferhiggs1221

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Reply with quote  #22 
Jcunnane..i underatand completly and felt the same way for reeses..his smell i also loved and i use to love kissing him all over his little back and smelling him..i loved the smell and used to tell my husband.."i love the way that cat smells"which he of course thought i was crazy..i maybe a couple times now will all of a sudden get a "whiff" of that smell..and even though i get sad i think Its reeses letting me know hes with me..my husband and him were also very close and would hang out alot but he also has a different way of dealing with it..he keeps moving on too and he never stopped eating the way i did..i didnt eat a bite..not lying..for five days after because i couldnt..i was too sad and plus i didnt wanna eat because reeses wasnt able to and i felt like i took that away from him..i eventually had to eat again thoughbecause i Started getting sick..but i know how much he meant to you..and reeses meant the world to me too.i just wish i had more time with him..
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Jcunnane

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Reply with quote  #23 
Jenniferhiggs1221, I wish this pain would go away. I’m so grateful to have connected with others like you who understand this pain and grief. My husband wanted to go out with friends yesterday so I agreed since it’s Father’s Day and I just couldn’t be happy. I felt like people thought oh he was only a cat. It’s hard to be around people who don’t understand and honestly I can’t blame them entirely because they didn’t know this precious soul like we did.

I hope I still get whiffs if Bubby like you do for Reeses. I’m sad that his smell is starting to fade. His sister went over to his water bowl and started sniffing the edges. She’s been looking for him all morning. It’s just breaking my heart even more.

I wish Bubby, Reeses and all of our precious loves could live forever.

I can’t wait to get him home. I think he’ll be home with us tomorrow or Tuesday. It’s just not the way I want him home.

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Jenniferhiggs1221

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Reply with quote  #24 
Jcunnane.i know and im sure u will.it took me a few days before i could really sense anyhing from or about him..but i do..i sometimes secondguess if its him being around but i know it is..and i did feel better when i picked up his ashes and brought him back home..it definatly wasnt the way i wanted him home but he was backhome..i keep his ashes on my nightstand beside me so hes still close..i hated having to go back to that horrible vet to pick him up so my husband drove and before we pulled in i closed my eyes and kept them closed the whole time in the car while he went in to pick them up..i just couldnt bear look at that place again knowing thats where his final moments were..
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Jcunnane

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Reply with quote  #25 
Jenniferhiggs1221,

I’m glad to hear you get signs from Reeses. I hope I get that whiff as there was no other smell that calmed me like his.

The day after he passed we had deer in our front and back yard. They haven’t been here since our daughter was born probably because she was very colicky. There was one particular deer in our backyard that made me think it was him. Our daughter started crying and the deer wasn’t phased just like how Bubby wasn’t phased by it. The deer just kept walking through our yard and into the creek. The feeling was overwhelming and I can only hope that was his soul coming home.

My husband said he would pick up Bubby. The 24/7 hospital is about 45 mins away from our house but 5 mins down the road from my job. I work 3 days at home and 2 days in the office. Now that’s going to be hard. Driving past the last place I saw my precious love. It wasn’t even him when I saw him left. He was on so much pain medication his pupils never got small. I only hope he knew I was with him and could feel me hugging and kissing him. I wish I saw my Bubby as I knew him but I think that would only have made it harder to let him stop suffering.

We’re going to donate his prescription food in his name to the hospital that took such great care of him the many times he was there. In time we’re going to also go through the toys and take a portion and donate as well. We’ll keep the special ones and of course a ton for his sister but we want to make other kitties happy in his honor as he made us so happy.

My heart just can’t stop breaking...

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Jcunnane

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Reply with quote  #26 
It’s been 4 days now without my Bubby and the tears wont stop. I don’t know how to make this pain and hurt subside. The lump in my throat is still there. The heaviness in my body is overwhelming. What I wouldn’t do to hold my Ty Ty again.

I hope you’re finding friends at the Rainbow Bridge, my sweet handsome pants. I hope you’re eating all the non-prescription food your heart desires. I miss you much. I wish you were here with us. Today starts a new work week without you and it won’t be the same. I will miss you walking into the office and asking to be picked up and lay in my arms while working and watching me move the mouse on the screen. You were the best coworker I ever had. Mommy misses you so much. So does Lola. She keeps looking for you. She stood by your water bowl and sniffed the edges. I got her some kitty gras yesterday to hopefully cheer her up. You were our protector. Yesterday was the first rain storm without you and Lola was looking for her rain buddy. I found her downstairs where you spent the majority of your last days. She misses you so much as do I. I tell her you still love all of us and that you’re here just in spirit. She’s been laying on the shirt I last held you in. I won’t wash it until she’s ready. I told her the shirt is hers. It was so hard to take that shirt off. To shower from that day. I’m worried about her tomorrow and on Tuesdays since were gone all day. She always had you. Please look over her and give her company while we’re not here. She loves you so much. Yesterday I vacuumed too. Avery was getting hair all over her. You would have hated me vacuuming but the carpets were so fluffy afterwards and you would have loved them as you always did. I had to go to the grocery store too. The food looked replusing. I came home, you weren’t there to greet me at the door nor were you there to help me check in the food like you always did. Putting your head into each bag to see what I got. I wish Avery had more time with you. I know you would have been the best big brother to her. You were already the best big brother and protector. She loves her Bubby pacifier. When she gets teeth, I’ll have to take the pacifier out and sew the mouth shut. Her Bubby is her comfort like you were to me. My anxiety is high and you’re not here to take it away. How do I go on without you my sweet Tiger. We should be getting your next Meowbox soon and I think your name will still be on it. I know how much you loved your monthly box. You deserved it and so much more. We’ve been leaving your front window open for you. We know how much you loved it. Hopefully you can find your way back home into that window. The day you passed I had to cancel your insurance. That was such a horrible call to make. I could barely get the words out. The tears just overcame me. Now I only see Lola’s picture on the insurance app and it just hurts so bad. I also had to call your doc. I couldn’t stop crying either. The next day I had to call Chewy because we got a whole case of your prescription food in. They were so sweet and said to donate it in your honor. Mommy broke down again. Your honor. It just doesn’t seem real big guy. I miss you so so so so much bud. You were my best friend, my son. I’m not sure how to do this without you. I’m so sorry I didn’t see the signs earlier. I’m sorry if you were in so much pain. Everything in this house is you. It’s hard to be here without you. I see you walking down the side of the hallway carpet with your tail up. I see your little face pop around the corner of the kitchen. You were it for me. You were my light. You gave me so much my Booty Bear and asked for so little in return. I would have given you my kidney if I could have. I love you that much. I hope soon you’ll send me some signs that you’re ok. I just need to know that you’re ok, my heart, my soul. I can’t wait to get you home this week. The house seems so empty without you. Getting out of bed is really hard. Not having you race for your food in the morning. I wish you were here my love but I’m glad you’re not suffering and in pain anymore. You hid it so well. I hold your little lion toy at night while I sleep keeping you close. I wish it was you that I could lay my head next to. You are one in a million and I’m so lucky I was your mommy for almost 10 years. One day we’ll be together again my Bubs. I can’t wait to hold and kiss you again and smell your belly and give you all the belly and chest rubs you want. You are my hero, my warrior. You showed me what true unconditional love is. I love you so so so so so so much! From your nose to your tail! XOXO Mommy <3

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Wildrocksilver

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Reply with quote  #27 
Dear Jcunnane,

The tears started flowing again as I read your latest post. I can feel your pain, and I completely understand how you felt when you previously posted about going out for Father's Day, and how most people would react towards you missing your cat. They don't understand the light and souls that these innocent beings have. I felt so down yesterday, and anxious about leaving the house and my other two cats and puppy, that I didn't even go with my husband for Father's Day to visit his kids. He understood, but I still feel bad, I just couldn't leave the house and pretend to go on.

My Shane also was on prescription food, and medications, and I got a box yesterday (I didn't know the Post Office delivered on Sundays!) of his prescription canned food that I mail ordered. A special urn that I ordered for him also came in yesterday. Timing...unbelievable.

My Shane, like your Bubby, would race to the kitchen to be fed...he was my little alarm clock. My companion. My confidant. My comfort. I, too, feel the emptiness in the house,as do you. I truly feel for you because I know how real and emotionally and physically debilitating this has been, and yet you still have to function for your child, whereas I only have my husband at home now. I hope you have others who understand around you so that they can help you with some of your other responsibilities right now. This is true grieving, even if others think "it's just for a cat". I spoke to my cousin yesterday about it. She's going through a divorce and having such a hard time even though this man she's loved and married to has been extremely mentally and emotionally abusive and controlling. When I spoke of the grief I'm going through, she didn't understand that I could feel so strongly for "just a pet". The fact that everyone on this forum is struggling just as much as we are over the loss of our loves is comforting to me because I'm not alone in my sometimes all-consuming pain. I may not be crying all day long now, but I have no desire to do anything. I have to force myself out of bed, too. I understand how you feel...and I appreciate how honest you and everyone has been with expressing their pain and not minimizing the impact that these wonderful, glorious little souls brought to our lives,and the devastation that really does exist for us with their loss.

Hang in there...Bubby will almost be home. Shane as well, for me. I keep hoping for signs of him, and I see nothing, feel nothing of him left in the house. Emptiness. I'm hoping that when his ashes come home, so will his essence. I hope you get signs of Bubby being near you.
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Jcunnane

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Reply with quote  #28 
Dear Wildrocksilver,

I feel very lucky to have such met compassionate people who know how I feel  here although I wish no one had to feel this way EVER! 

Shane and Bubby sound so much alike. Such a huge presence and comfort. I don't think it's possible to put what they truly meant to us in words and everything they did to make them them. It would be a novel that would have to be constantly updated. 

It's been hard trying to keep it together for our daughter but my husband has been helping. I think his grieving might have started today. Although he's been upset and crying, he stayed home from work and hasn't gotten out of bed. 

I'm so sorry your cousin couldn't understand the pain you feel now. Please know I feel your pain and am here for you. You have helped me along this sad and unbearable journey.

Timing is horrible. We have a subscription box for our kitties and I had to take Bubby off. I just got notice that they sent this months out on Friday. I'm guessing his name will still be on it. He loved his Meowbox so much. 

I've been reading a lot about Chronic Kidney Disease and Renal Failure and I believe still in my heart we had to do what we had to do for him. He was at the end stage of CKD and his urine levels weren't even chartable they were that high. He also had slight non-regenerative anemia which the doctor said is from his bone marrow not reproducing from his CKD. We tried to give him 24 hours of IV Fluids and meds but he wasn't bouncing back. His levels never came down so they were chartable. I was reading about the care for end stage CKD and it requires medication, new food, and SUB-Q fluids all the time. We just couldn't do that to him. He gave us so much love and he needed his dignity. Although we're are in unbearable pain now, I at least know he's not. I would do anything to be with him again though. 

I hope for all of us, that this pain eases. I'm not sure if I'll ever feel "me" again without my Ty Ty but hopefully being able to put a smile on my face again without guilt will happen. 

People have already asked if we'll be getting another kitty and I can't even imagine that. I know Lola needs a companion but to think that a new kitty will be here instead of Bubby breaks my heart. I know another precious kitty needs to be saved and loved, it's just something I can't think of right now. I don't even know how Lola would do. Bubby and Lola were bottle-fed kittens so they were always these human kittens. They scaled up our legs just to be held if we were standing. Always laying with us or wrapping themselves around our necks if we were on the couch. How could I ever even think of having another kitty that would be like that.

I hope Shane is home soon and you start feeling his essence again. I think Bubby will be home today or tomorrow. 

Thank you again for your support. It truly means a lot. Hang in there too...I know this pain has to get easier at some point.



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Ceceliadempsey3

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Reply with quote  #29 
My heart breaks for you! I am so so sorry. I can honestly say I know the pain you are feeling. My husband feels terrible too, but his grieving is so different then mine. While I just cry cry cry. Where are his tears? I told him don’t tell me I have to move on. Of course I know that , I do, but it will be in my time when I’m ready. It’s been 18 days without my dog Thatcher. And it’s been the worst days of my life. I try and keep myself busy. Hate being or I should say also, hate coming home . Each time I enter I really believe I was dreaming and I call for him to come but he doesn’t . Try to let your guilt go. You did what you thought was right. Your kitty’s health was. In your best interest. Please. Don’t blame yourself, you are in enough pain not having her/him around. You did your best. You are such a kind, caring, compassionate person. You gave your cat a wonderful life. I don’t know how long it will take you to feel better. I can honestly say I had one day in the 18 days he’s gone that I did not wake up crying. Of course. I cried later in the day. Just when I think it will get better the ache, tears. And horrible feeling comes back. I pray to someone and do a lot of meditation to take my pain away. It does help me at times. For that I’m grateful. Last night was the first night I dreamed of Thatcher ( at least I think I did). I did not see his face but was holding my big 93 lb dog. When ever it got windy or thunder or the dreaded fire works came he thought he was a lap dog and tried to jump on me. I so want to hold him again. As a matter of fact last night fireworks went off and I immediately thought I have to get home for thatcher and then I broke down again cause I remembered he was gone.
I hope and pray and will send out good vibes to the universe that your pain will ease and it will. Know that you are a wonderful mother to your cat ( who is just beautiful, thanks for all those great photos). And try to let go of the guilt. Sending you hugs 🤗
Cecelia
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Jcunnane

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Reply with quote  #30 
Dear Cecelia,

Thank you so very much for your sweet and kind words. I am so sorry to hear about your Thatcher. 

Isn't it funny that these big characters are afraid of things like rain, wind, thunder and fireworks. Bubby was the same way. He was a big boy. 15 pounds when he was healthy. He was terrified of rain but instead of hiding he would sit in the middle of the hallway or in the middle of the living room. I would always say Bubs that's not really hiding. 

Today is my first work week without him and I miss him so dearly. He would have been in and out of the office 3 times by now. He would reach up on the arm rest and tap my arm or leg, whichever he could get to first and then i would reach under his front legs and pick him up like a baby. He loved to be held like a baby. 

I feel like all I do right now is cry cry cry like you said. My head hurts so bad and medication is just not helping. There's so much pressure in my head and on my chest. I wish I could crawl into a hole and come out when I'm ready.

Tomorrow is my first day at work in the office since his passing and I'm not sure how to keep it together. I have Bubby on the background of my phone and I can't even imagine taking it off. 

Bubby was such a majestic little man. He was my liger. Had such a swagger to his strut that you knew he knew he was a big cat. But yet he was so gentle. He was the only kitty who my husband and I would let touch our faces with his paws. He never took his claws out. He would even pet our eyes. Of course, this is when he wanted food. 

I hope too your pain eases and we can remember our loves for all the good memories. Sending out good vibes to you as well! XX

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